The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

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When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

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In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

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A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

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The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

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Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

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I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

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The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

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I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

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I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

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