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-Woo hoo.
FELICIA DAY: Welcome back to "Felicia's Ark," the show
where you, the audience, gets to decide which video game
animals are going to be saved from an oncoming, theoretical,
apocalyptic flood.
I am your host, and captain of the Ark.
Hey, Felicia Day.
And this is it, folks.
We are down to the last of our animals for this
season of the show.
Today we turn our attention towards the majestic monkey.
Why majestic?
I don't know.
Because it sounds good with monkey.
Monkeys are the comeback species of
the video game world.
They started out villains and annoying minibosses, and now
they're heroes and annoying sidekicks.
My suspicion is that they're going to be a colossal pain in
the *** on the Ark.
But, you know, I included them anyway.
You owe me, monkeys.
You owe me big time.
First, let's find out who was selected
from last week's episode.
And you picked, Frog, from "Chrono Trigger." Yeah, that's
a pretty safe choice.
The whole huge arm thing still has me a little bit weirded
out, but considering how many times this guy saved me in a
fight, I think I'll look the other way.
I could stroke his biceps.
Welcome aboard, frog.
Now then, bring on the monkeys.
Let's start with a classic, shall we?
Yes, Donkey Kong has a dark past, but we've all seen his
transformation into this heroic father figure.
And you know what, I'm not buying that ***.
I cannot trust a former kidnapper like this ***
when on board a large wooden ship filled with barrels.
He treats women like trophies, and he's wearing only a tie
means he's dressed.
Screw that noise.
Get off the ship, Mr. Rapey.
Next on the list is the monkey from "Super Monkey Ball." This
is a really cute game.
And it's a monkey that's already in a ball so he's not
going to be freaking out when I put him a confined space
below decks.
But what happens when he can't get his speed on?
I've considered this question very carefully, and I drew up
this little schematic here for possible monkey ball
applications.
This is the monkey in a ball.
This is the treadmill that's connected to the reactor.
It causes kinetic energy that could power the Ark
indefinitely.
This is high-concept stuff.
I did not major in art.
Don't criticize my drawing, whatever.
With the right application of science, the new world could
have an endless source of green monkey energy.
Of course, if we can't pull it off, then there's going to be
a slight logistical problem with having a monkey prone to
high speeds in a giant ball stored in a confined little
space in the Ark.
He's going to get freaked out.
He's like--
[MONKEY SOUNDS].
It's going to be freaky.
I don't want to watch that.
And where does he poop?
I'm going to just say it because
everybody's thinking it.
And listen, poo is on my mind.
I'm going to have to clean up after a lot of people.
Let's just move on.
Next is George from "Rampage." George is something of a
special case, special needs.
He has some violent tendencies, yeah, but think of
all the ruins he could clear for future building projects.
It's going to be [BLEEP]
up out there.
You need some little muscle.
A little positive reinforcement could go a long
way with his ego, and having a massive monkey that could
throw tanks means you will never need
a ladder or a tractor.
God, it's an economically sound monkey.
Now, if we could just figure out a way to fit a 70 foot
tall marauding monkey that's prone to eating everything in
sight onto an Ark--
kind of boggles the mind.
I mean, he pretty much only destroys things.
So it's a good bet that if he gets bored, he's going to take
out the Ark.
You know, now that I think about it, why the hell did I
put him on the list?
You guys are going to vote for him because you want to
destroy me.
Yes, there is a monkey in "Metal Gear Solid 4." He had
to go on the list because A, he's one of the few people who
can look Snake in the eye without fear, and, B, he's the
closest thing to a real monkey on the list.
I mean, not that we're aiming for veracity.
But let's try to represent everything.
Now this monkey is clearly trained.
He understands basic commands and could easily serve as the
captain pet, like Jack the Monkey in "Pirates of the
Caribbean." On the other hand, if he's going to represent the
whole species, he's got to drop the smoking habit.
I'm not judging.
And if you care about the existence of the monkey race,
you're the last hope, you're got to give up
on the cancer sticks.
And, oh, I'm sorry, maybe there's a problem with the
naked thing.
He looks like a creepy mole rat.
And he's wearing a silver diaper.
Where'd he get that, Tiffany's?
How could we not include Chimchar from "Pokemon." This
is a great fit, when you factor in space.
Here's a monkey that fits in a Pokeball.
And it's sorta easy to train.
However, his butt is on fire.
Now, we can manage this, if we kept track of when he was in
and out of his Pokeball, but the real issue is,
what makes the fire?
Burning gas from his stomach.
He is just farting all the time.
It's one continuous fart.
It's a never ending fart.
It's nice, you know, in a way because the at least he has
his decency to create his own heat source, so I don't have
to warm him.
But when he sleeps, the flame goes out, right?
And I do not, for a second, believe that the gas is just
magically stopping because there's no fire.
That just makes this little guy an adorable but serious
safety hazard.
Bringing us home is Amigo from the game, "Samba De Amigo"--
everybody's played it?
Right?
I don't care.
I love the idea of saving this little guy because you're also
preserving a rich and beautiful culture.
And because there's probably a good chance that he knows how
to make a ***' margarita.
So let's get to the meat of it.
Where is the practical application having this mega
happy dancing monkey aboard the ship?
Hey, trick question.
There isn't one.
But think of the world after the flood, OK?
This is not going to be a great place.
Wouldn't you love to be able to sit down at this makeshift
bar you made with wreckage.
And after a long day of planting crops, battling
malaria, depression--
you're going to die at 30.
There's going to be something to take you down.
Suddenly, you find yourself whisked away into a crowded
conga line.
Huh?
Huh?
On the other hand, he is annoying as hell.
His face is frozen in a smile that would
make the Joker sweat.
It's the final vote.
Cast it here in the comments to decide the monkeys' fate
and be entered in a content to win a free--
yes!
Spike!
Check back next week for the finale, where we conclude this
season by showing--
that's a monkey's ***.
Check back next week for the finale.
We'll do stuff.
Just subscribe, and I'll see you next week.
The end is nigh.