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Chicken: Fall in, soldier! We've got Zinfandel assault vehicles closing in! Lock and load! Batten down the hatches!
Moose: Batten down the... what are you talking about?! I don't even know what's going on! How did this even happen?!
Chicken: Hey Moose, do you like red wine or white wine better?
Moose: Um, I dunno... I guess red?
Moose: Wait, what? That didn't explain anything!
Chicken: I don't know what you're so confused about. We're here because of what you said!
Moose: ...Are you saying you started a war over my taste in wine?
Chicken: Isn't that what you meant?
Moose: I said that I prefer red wine! I didn't say that we should shoot white wine with guns!
Chicken: Sergeant Merlot! What's the situation, sir?
Merlot: It's bad, Private. They're sending in ground troops armed with Chardonnay missiles. This is almost as bad as the Battle of Champagne!
Moose: That's not what that was.
Merlot: Unit cohesion is at an all-time low. I tell you, we should never have let those Pinot Noirs into the military.
Ever since the damn bleeding hearts in Congress repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell...
Moose: Wait, what does Don't Ask Don't Tell have to do with Pinot Noir?
Merlot: Everybody knows Pinot Noir is the gayest of all wines!
Moose: What? That's ridiculous. I drink Pinot Noir!
Moose: What?
Merlot: We're in the middle of combat and those Pinot Noirs insist on flaunting their earthy, full-bodied lifestyle!
Promenading around with their mature, complex aromas and pleasantly nuanced aftertastes!
Moose: Okay, clearly there's some sort of... culture gap happening here, because I'm not exactly following.
And it's not like you've got soldiers running around in pink fatigues or something.
Moose: Okay, I'm pretty sure that's just a terrible coincidence.
Merlot: How are we supposed to win this war when those sissy bottles are too busy dancing to pop music sung by strong female vocalists?
Moose: Okay, not all gay people listen to-
Chicken: Baby, I wanna have lunch with you! Eat a really yummy sandwich!
Moose: Dammit, Chicken, you're not helping!
Merlot: The bottom line is that allowing openly Pinot Noir soldiers to enlist has completely destroyed the moral fiber of this unit!
Moose: Look, this whole thing is already completely ing absurd, but I think you're being really ignorant. Being gay doesn't make someone a less effective soldier.
And it's not like everyone's suddenly gonna get gay married to each other in the middle of-
Does everything I say just happen now?!
Merlot: Maybe we shouldn't have had this war in New York.
Moose: Yeah, this was probably the wrong place to schedule your war.
Chicken: Now this is what I call unit cohesion!
Merlot: Hmmm... the peacock's got a point! This group wedding might be just what we need to increase morale! Move out, newlyweds!
Merlot: Fall into formation Delta Whiskey Cabernet Barbera Shiraz... (voice trails off)
Moose: Well, this is definitely the stupidest thing that's ever happened to me.
Chicken: I'm bored now. Let's go start a war somewhere else!
Moose: We're not starting another war today.
Chicken: Party pooper.
Moose: And this is why I never come to your parties.