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FROM NEW YORK CITY, IT'S...
TONIGHT, JOURNALIST...
MUSICAL GUEST...
PLUS, MUSICAL DIRECTOR...
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CHRIS ROCK !
( cheering and applause )
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT.
( loud cheering )
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
YES, WELCOME, I'M CHRIS TUCKER.
AND THANKS FOR COMING OUT.
I'M GLAD EVERYBODY'S HERE.
GOT A CRAZY WEEK THIS WEEK.
THIS WEEK, MITCH "BLOOD" GREEN
JUST THE MENTION OF HIS NAME BRINGS LAUGHTER,
DOESN'T IT ?
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD, MITCH "BLOOD" GREEN.
MITCH "BLOOD" GREEN WAS AWARDED $45,000 BY A CIVIL JURY
IN HIS SUIT AGAINST MIKE TYSON.
$45,000.
NOT ONLY DID MIKE PAY MITCH "BLOOD" GREEN $45,000.
HE ALSO PAID HIM ANOTHER $45,000
JUST TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE AGAIN.
( loud cheering )
YOU KNOW, MIKE WANT TO GET HIS MONEY'S WORTH.
AFTER THE JURY'S DECISION,
MITCH "BLOOD" GREEN STARTED TAUNTING TYSON.
HE STARTED CALLING HIM CICELY TYSON.
HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT
BECAUSE CICELY TYSON HEARD HIM SAY THAT, CAME DOWN THERE,
AND WHUPPED HIS ***.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT WAS A BATTLE OF THE ***-UP CURLS.
( laughing )
DID YOU SEE HOODLUM ?
ALRIGHT.
HERE'S SOME SAD NEWS.
JOHN DENVER DIED THIS WEEK.
AND INVESTIGATORS ARE SAYING IT MAY BE GANG RELATED.
JUST KIDDING, I'M KIDDING.
COME ON, BUT IT'S SAD.
FIRST TUPAC, THEN BIGGIE.
I DON'T KNOW IF RAP CAN SURVIVE THIS.
YOU KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE ON THE COVER
OF "THE SOURCE" NEXT MONTH, RIGHT ?
GANG VIOLENCE IS GETTING EVEN WORSE IN NEW YORK CITY.
IT'S GETTING CRAZY.
WE GOT GANGS IN NEW YORK CITY.
OFFICIALS SAY THE INCREASE IS A RESULT OF THE BLOODS
TRYING TO COMPETE WITH THE TWO MOST VIOLENT GANGS
IN NEW YORK CITY.
THAT'S RIGHT,
THE LATIN KINGS AND THE N.Y.P.D.
I KNOW.
BOX CUTTER, PLUNGER.
OKAY.
THIS WEEK, THIS WEEK LOUIS FARRAKHAN CALLED ON
BLACK AMERICANS TO STAY HOME FROM WORK AND SCHOOL
ON THURSDAY.
DID SOME OF Y'ALL DO THAT THAT ?
THAT'S RIGHT, NOW TO STAY HOME FROM WORK THIS THURSDAY.
ALSO THIS WEEK, DAVID DUKE CALLED FOR BLACKS TO STAY HOME
THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY, SUNDAY, MONDAY, TUESDAY.
KEEP THEM BLACK *** HOME.
FARRAKHAN CALLED FOR BLACKS TO STAY HOME,
YOU KNOW WHY ?
HE WANT WHITE PEOPLE TO REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT THAT WE ARE.
THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
WANTED WHITE PEOPLE TO REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT WE ARE.
I THINK WHITE PEOPLE REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT WE ARE EVERY TIME
LUC LONGLEY TRIES TO TAKE IT TO THE HOLE.
YOU KNOW.
HEY, I'M DOWN WITH THE WHOLE THING.
BUT I HOPE THIS WHOLE DAY OF ATONEMENT, YOU KNOW,
I HOPE IT DOESN'T BACKFIRE BECAUSE BROTHERS WILL GET FIRED.
AND THEN WE GOT A WHOLE LOT OF DAYS TO ATONE.
WHAT YOU DOING TOMORROW ?
ATONIN'.
PRESIDENT CLINTON, PRESIDENT CLINTON,
OUR PRESIDENT, MR. BILL, IS FINALLY GETTING FED UP
WITH PAULA JONES
AND HER ACCUSATIONS OF *** MISCONDUCT.
THAT'S RIGHT, HE CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE.
THIS WEEK PAULA JONES CLAIMED THAT-- DID Y'ALL HEAR THIS--
THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON'S *** WAS BENT.
THAT HIS *** WAS BENT.
WHEN ERECT IT WAS A LITTLE SIDEWAYS.
NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT CLINTON SAID ?
SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT WHEN I SHOVED IT IN HER FACE.
( male ) CHRIS ROCK'S MONOLOGUE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY--
GOD, YES, GOD--
MAKER OF FINE PRODUCTS LIKE THE EARTH, THE UNIVERSE, AND SALT.
NOW, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
WE GOT BRYANT GUMBEL.
WE GOT L.L. COOL J. !
AND DON'T FORGET TO GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN, GRANDMASTER FLASH !
OKAY, NOW FALL IS HERE AND KIDS ARE BACK IN SCHOOL.
BUT NOT ALL OF THEM ARE GOING TO FINISH THE YEAR,
ESPECIALLY HERE IN NEW YORK CITY
WHERE WE HAVE ONE OF THE HIGHEST DROPOUT RATES IN THE COUNTRY.
WHAT HAPPENS TO SOMEONE WHO DROPS OUT OF SCHOOL ?
WHAT IS THEIR FUTURE GONNA BE LIKE ?
I HIT THE STREETS AND TALKED TO SOME PEOPLE WHO JUST MIGHT KNOW.
WHAT KIND OF JOB CAN YOU GET IF YOU DROP OUT OF SCHOOL ?
THE JOBS THAT WE HANDLE MOSTLY, LOADING AND UNLOADING TRUCKS,
STOCKWORK, PACKING, SHIPPING, A LOT OF UNSKILLED WORK.
IS THIS THE WORST JOB YOU'VE EVER HAD ?
YOU HAD A WORSE JOB ?
WHAT DID YOU PLAY, A ROACH ?
WHAT KIND OF JOB ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ?
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING LIKE A C.E.O. POSITION.
SCHOOL WASN'T DOING IT FOR ME.
SO BEING A BATHROOM ATTENDANT IS THAT DOING IT FOR YOU ?
AH, NOT YET.
YOU GOT ANY ASTRONAUT JOBS ?
NO, NOT AT THE MOMENT.
WHAT'S THE CRAZIEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU
ON THE JOB ?
THE CRAZIEST THING I WOULD SAY I MET A MAN
WHO HAD A REAL BAD FOOT FETISH.
HE GAVE ME $200 JUST TO SUCK MY TOES.
BEAUTIFUL FACE, BEAUTIFUL HAIR.
A FIGURE THAT'S REALLY NEAT.
BUT THE FACE AND THE HAIR WOULDN'T GO NOWHERE
IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FEET.
WHAT'S THE WORST JOB YOU EVER HAD ?
WELL, I NEVER HAD A WORSE JOB.
EVERY JOB IS THE BEST,
AND IT DEPENDS HOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT.
SO YOU'RE A POSITIVE GUY, HUH ?
I AM.
IF YOU HAD TO SHOVEL COW ***,
YOU'D BE THE HAPPY COW *** GUY.
YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME ?
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS.
WHAT'S THE WORST PART OF THIS JOB AS THE ELEVATOR OPERATOR ?
I GUESS THE FORCE.
COULD YOU BE IN TOMORROW MORNING AT SIX O'CLOCK ?
WE COULD SEND YOU RIGHT OUT TO WORK.
YEAH, DON'T C.E.O.'S COME IN A LITTLE LATER ?
6:30.
ARE YOU READY FOR THE PEACHES AND HERB REUNION ?
HOW DID YOU GET THIS JOB ?
DADDY.
YOU SEE ANY STRIPPERS AROUND HERE THAT NEED TO RETIRE ?
DO YOU HAVE ANY COMPUTER SKILLS ?
COMPUTER SKILLS.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE A SONY PLAYSTATION
THAT I'M VERY GOOD AT IT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO OPERATE ONE IN TERMS OF TURNING IT ON
AND TYPING OUT SOME DOCUMENTS ?
EVERY FOOL KNOWS A COMPUTER HAS AN ON BUTTON.
THIS IS THE ON BUTTON.
YOU PUSH THAT ON AND THE COMPUTER TURNS ON.
AND THEN THIS-- YOU ALSO CAN TURN OFF AS WELL.
DO YOU WANT TO WRITE THIS DOWN ?
ON, OFF, ON, OFF.
ON, WOW, OFF.
DID YOU DROP OUT OF SCHOOL ?
I WENT UP TO NINTH GRADE.
I WENT TO ABOUT 10th GRADE.
PROBABLY THIRD GRADE.
WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID ?
I WANTED TO BE A TEACHER, WHICH I'M GOING TO SCHOOL FOR.
OKAY.
IT'S GOING TO BE AN EXCITING CLASS.
YES, IT WILL BE.
( laughing )
IF YOU'RE GOOD, I'LL SHOW YOU SOME ***.
WHAT'S YOUR DREAM RIGHT NOW ?
ACTOR.
ACTOR.
WHAT DID YOU DREAM OF BEING ?
I ALWAYS DREAMT OF BEING AN ENTERTAINER, PERFORMER.
DO YOU SEE ANY ACTORS OUT THERE RIGHT NOW
THAT YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ?
KEANU REEVES.
KEANU REEVES.
THERE'S A BOMB STRAPPED TO THE BUS.
DO NOT GO UNDER 55.
DO YOU SEE ANYBODY OUT THERE NOW THAT'S FAMOUS
THAT YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ?
I WOULDN'T SAY BETTER, BUT I WOULD SAY I CAN DO JUST
AS GOOD AS.
SAY, R. KELLY.
♪ A ONE IN A MILLION ♪
( audience ) BOO !
AHH !
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE THE KIDS THINKING ABOUT
DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL ?
THAT'S STUPID.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DROP OUT OF SCHOOL TO BE A STRIPPER.
FINISH SCHOOL.
FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AT LEAST.
DON'T DO IT.
I WOULD DEFINITELY RECOMMEND NOT DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL.
YOU END UP WITH A JOB THAT YOU DON'T LIKE.
HOW YOU DOING TODAY ?
ALRIGHT.
A LITTLE MORE ?
YEAH.
DON'T DO IT !
( applause and cheering )
I THINK I'M GOING TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT WAS THE ANCHOR FOR THE "TODAY" SHOW
FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS.
HE NOW HAS A PRIME TIME MAGAZINE SERIES CALLED THE "PUBLIC EYE".
PLEASE WELCOME BRYANT GUMBEL.
HOW YOU DOING, MAN ?
BRYANT ON MY SHOW.
THAT'S GREAT.
YOUR SHOW.
UNLESS YOU WANT THE JOB.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE A BIG MAN IN T.V.
I LIKE THAT HBO SLOT.
NO, I'M NOT.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD ?
I'M GLAD LIKE PEOPLE ARE GIVING YOU A STANDING OVATION.
YOUR PROPS 'CAUSE...
LIKE 10 YEARS AGO I DID A JOKE ABOUT YOU THAT WAS REALLY BAD.
IF SOMEBODY TOLD BRYANT GUMBEL HE WAS BLACK
HE'D HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
IT WAS LIKE-- IT WAS LIKE IT CAME FROM MY IGNORANCE.
THIS IS WHERE I GREW UP AND EVERYTHING.
LIKE ANY BLACK GUY THAT SPOKE WELL WAS CONSIDERED WHITE.
I'M GLAD THAT PEOPLE ARE LIKE GROWING THE *** UP.
AND GIVING YOU--
( applause )
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AMUSED BY IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY
YOU DON'T SOUND BLACK.
IT'S LIKE WELL, EXCUSE ME.
DOES IT MEAN YOU HAVE TO SOUND UNINTELLIGENT
IN ORDER TO SOUND BLACK ?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME ?
IF I SOUND HALFWAY INTELLIGENT THEN I SOUND WHITE ?
HAVEN'T YOU SEEN IT CHANGE IN THE LAST--
FROM THE TIME YOU STARTED TILL NOW ?
NO, A LOT OF PEOPLE STILL IGNORANT.
REALLY ?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.
YOU KNOW THIS VERY WELL.
IF YOU HAVE GOOD PARENTS AND THEY STAY ON YOU
AND THEY JUST WANT YOU TO USE PROPER ENGLISH
YOU JUST GROW UP USING PROPER ENGLISH.
I DON'T TAKE ANY PRIDE IN IT.
JUST SPEAK, THAT'S ALL.
IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU PUT ON YOUR RESUME.
NO.
MAN, I CAN TALK.
AND YOU'RE A BROADCASTER, A JOURNALIST, OKAY.
NOW, THE THING WITH YOU--
UH-OH.
YOU'RE LIKE A VERY CONTROVERSIAL FIGURE.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M CONTROVERSIAL.
HERE'S WHAT MAKES YOU CONTROVERSIAL IN THIS BUSINESS.
IF SOMEBODY HITS YOU OVER THE HEAD,
YOU DON'T SAY THANK YOU AND WALK AWAY.
YOU TURN AROUND AND HIT THEM OVER THE HEAD.
THEN THEY SAY YOU'RE CONTROVERSIAL.
I'M NOT CONTROVERSIAL.
I NEVER PICK ON ANYBODY.
I JUST HAPPEN TO RETURN FIRE IF SOMEBODY FIRES ON ME.
OH, OKAY.
( applause )
WHEN BLACK FOLK ARE ON TV YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WALK AROUND
AND CONSTANTLY BE SAYING THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE THIS JOB,
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH I'M SO LUCKY.
AND WHEN I DON'T SAY THAT I'M SUPPOSEDLY CONTROVERSIAL.
IT'S WEIRD YOU GOT THE CONTROVERSIAL THING
ATTACHED TO YOU BECAUSE YOU WORK IN THE MORNING.
MORNINGS AREN'T VERY KIND.
HEY, I'M JUST SELLING MY BOOK, MAN.
( laughing )
IT JUST SEEMS ODD.
MAYBE YOU HAVE A NIGHTTIME PERSONA IN THE DAYTIME.
NO, I'M PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.
I'VE DONE LIKE YOUR SHOW.
I NEVER DID IT WITH YOU.
NO.
SORRY.
YOU WERE ALWAYS WELCOME THERE.
YOU JUST DIDN'T GET UP THAT EARLY.
I GET UP NOW.
I WAS IGNORANT THEN.
WHAT TIME YOU GET UP ?
I GET UP EARLY, MAN.
WHAT TIME YOU GET UP ?
9:00.
COME ON, MAN.
CUT A BROTHER SOME SLACK, MAN.
I DIDN'T GET INTO SHOW BUSINESS TO WORK.
SLEEP IS OVERRATED.
SLEEP'S OVERRATED ?
YEAH.
WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT ?
YOU DON'T NEED A LOT OF SLEEP.
YOU NEED SOME SLEEP, BRYANT.
YOU NEED WATER, FOOD, AND SLEEP.
( applause )
LET ME ASK YOU THIS.
IS THERE EVER A DAY, NO MATTER WHAT TIME YOU GET UP
YOU DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT GETTING UP ?
SOMETIME.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU GET UP AT FOUR OR 11,
YOU'RE GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.
TWO MINUTES AFTER YOU'RE UP DOES IT MATTER ?
YES, SOMETIMES.
IF I WAS PARTYING LAST NIGHT WITH PUFFY, YOU KNOW,
CHASING SOME GIRLS AROUND THE JACUZZI,
YES, I NEED A LITTLE MORE SLEEP THE NEXT DAY.
YOU DON'T NEED NO SLEEP ?
I DON'T GET OR NEED A LOT OF SLEEP.
WHEN I DID THE "TODAY" PROGRAM I GOT UP EVERY DAY AT 4:00,
I WENT TO BED AT MIDNIGHT, 1:00.
REALLY ?
YOU WOKE UP AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING ?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, MAN ?
WHAT ARE YOU, THE TERMINATOR ?
YOU DON'T NEED SLEEP ?
THERE'S TOO MANY THINGS TO DO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BRYANT ?
WORKING, READING, PLAYING GOLF.
IT'S REAL COOL YOU HAVE A GOLF TOURNAMENT EVERY YEAR
TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE UNITED *** COLLEGE FUND.
THE FUNNY THING IS--
OKAY, SPEAKING WHITE, THAT'S IGNORANT.
BUT GOLF IS VERY WHITE.
MORE BROTHERS WOULD PLAY IF THEY DROPPED THE REQUIREMENT
FOR PLAID PANTS, THAT'S TRUE.
BUT THE FUNNY THING ABOUT THE TOURNAMENT,
I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR ABOUT 10 YEARS
AND I BET THERE'S ONLY A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT.
WE PUT, MY FOUNDATION PUTS THROUGH 84 KIDS THROUGH COLLEGE
EVERY SINGLE YEAR, EVERY SINGLE YEAR.
AND THE FUNNY THING IS I DO IT BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN EDUCATION.
I BELIEVE IN BLACK FOLKS GETTING AN EDUCATION.
I DON'T DO IT TO GET YOUR APPLAUSE
ALTHOUGH I'M GRATEFUL, REALLY.
BUT THE FUNNY THING IS NOBODY EVER WRITES ABOUT THAT.
NOBODY EVER WRITES ABOUT THAT.
HIT THEM UPSIDE THE HEAD.
THAT'S RIGHT, I HIT SOMEBODY UPSIDE THE HEAD TODAY.
I GOTTA THANK YOU FOR COMING, MAN.
A PLEASURE.
A LEGEND.
NOW I WANT EVERYBODY TO WATCH THIS.
( male ) YOU LOVED "DORF ON GOLF".
YOU HOWLED AT "DORF ON FISHING".
WELL, GET READY TO RUPTURE MULTIPLE INTERNAL ORGANS
WITH HEARTY, OUT OF CONTROL LAUGHTER AS YOU WATCH,
"DORF ON CRACK".
CHUCKLE ALONG WITH THE INNER CITY'S MOST LOVABLE LOSER
AS DORF TRIES HIS DARNEDEST TO GET HIGH...
DAMN THESE CHEAP *** CRACK PIPES.
AND TO GET PAID.
SIR, COULD I INTEREST YOU IN A V.C.R. FOR ABOUT $50 ?
I'LL GIVE YOU $2 FOR THAT.
SOLD.
( sirens )
HOLD UP !
I WAS GONNA BUY SOME CRACK WITH THAT.
DORF JUST CAN'T WIN, BUT HE TAKES THE PRIZE
AS THE WACKIEST SUBSTANCE ABUSER YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
FOR $19.95 YOU CAN OWN THIS CASSETTE FOR YOURSELF.
IT'S 21 ZANY MINUTES OF FUN AT THE SAME PRICE
OF A COUPLE HITS OF CRACK ***.
SEND FOR "DORF ON CRACK" TODAY
BEFORE THE REAL DORF PEOPLE TAKE SOME KIND OF LEGAL ACTION
AND PREVENT US FROM SELLING IT.
OKAY, HEY !
THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF CONTROVERSY ABOUT EUTHANASIA
OR MERCY KILLINGS.
IT'S MOSTLY CENTERED AROUND DR. KEVORKIAN.
WHAT MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW IS THAT THERE IS ANOTHER DOCTOR
WHO HAS ASSISTED IN HUNDREDS OF SUICIDES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
HIS NAME IS DR. PETER JOHNSON, AND HE'S MY NEXT GUEST.
PLEASE WELCOME DR. PETER JOHNSON.
NOW, EUTHANASIA OR MERCY KILLINGS AS YOU MAY CALL THEM,
IT'S A VERY CONTROVERSIAL TOPIC.
NOW, WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON THE RIGHT TO DIE ?
CHRIS, I BELIEVE THAT EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS A RIGHT
TO DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES IF LIFE IS WORTH LIVING.
I HAVE DEVOTED MY LIFE TO THIS PRINCIPLE BY HELPING THOSE
WHO ARE CRYING OUT FOR THE RELEASE OF A MERCIFUL DEATH.
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN PART
IN HUNDREDS OF ASSISTED SUICIDES.
THAT'S RIGHT, CHRIS.
SOME PEOPLE CRITICIZE YOU,
SAYING THAT WHAT YOU DO IS ***.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE IGNORANT, CHRIS.
THE FACT IS THAT I VIDEOTAPE EVERYONE THAT I EUTHANIZE.
IN EACH TAPE, THEY POSITIVELY STATE THEIR INTENTION
TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE TAPES THAT YOU CAN SHOW US ?
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO HAVE A COUPLE CLIPS.
THIS FIRST ONE IS OF A YOUNG MAN WHO WAS SUFFERING
FROM A TERRIBLE MEDICAL CONDITION.
OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
( male ) PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME.
ED CONNORS.
MR. CONNORS, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT YOUR MEDICAL CONDITION.
WELL, I HAVE A KNEE INJURY.
LAST SUMMER, MY KNEE WENT OUT.
IT HURTS PRETTY BAD.
AND YOU TRIED GETTING TREATMENT.
YEAH, I'VE HAD THREE OPERATIONS BUT IT STILL HURTS.
IT'S HOPELESS, ISN'T IT ?
YEAH, IT STILL HURTS.
YOU WANT TO DIE, DON'T YOU ?
WHAT ?
WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO TAKE THE PAIN AWAY ?
YEAH.
I THOUGHT SO.
AND YOU MADE THIS DECISION OF YOUR OWN FREE WILL.
WHAT KIND OF THING IS THIS ?
NEVER MIND, MR. CONNORS.
YOU DON'T NEED TO SAY ANYTHING MORE.
I KNOW YOU FEEL THE PAIN.
I SUGGEST WE GET THIS OVER WITH.
HEY, HEY, HEY !
I THINK YOU CAN SEE FROM THE TAPE THAT MR. CONNORS
DIED OF HIS OWN FREE WILL.
UH, DOCTOR, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOU KILLED THAT GUY.
I DID NOT KILL HIM, CHRIS.
HE KILLED HIMSELF.
I MERELY ASSISTED HIM.
HE WAS SUFFERING.
BUT YOU DIDN'T EVEN DO IT PAINLESSLY.
I MEAN, YOU STRANGLED THE GUY !
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE ?
HE'S DEAD, ISN'T HE ?
HE'S NOT GOING TO REMEMBER IF IT WAS PAINFUL OR NOT.
HE'S DEAD.
THE POINT IS HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED.
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU THIS NEXT TAPE.
IT'S OF A WOMAN WHO LIVING HAD BECOME A TERRIBLE TASK FOR HER.
AND I WAS VERY HAPPY TO BRING HER SOME RELIEF.
OKAY.
( male ) EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.
HELLO.
MA'AM, THOSE BAGS LOOK VERY HEAVY.
I'LL BET YOU'RE TIRED OF CARRYING THEM AROUND, AREN'T YOU ?
YES.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO HELP YOU SO YOU WON'T HAVE
TO CARRY THEM ANYMORE ?
I SUPPOSE SO.
SAY NO MORE, MA'AM, I'M HERE TO HELP YOU.
STOP THE TAPE !
STOP THE TAPE, THAT WAS NO MERCY KILLING !
YOU MUGGED THAT OLD LADY !
I DID NOT MUG HER.
I WAS HELPING HER, CHRIS.
BUT YOU WENT THROUGH HER WALLET.
YOU HAD A *** KNIFE.
CHRIS, I'M NOT INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY.
I'M A DOCTOR, AND I'M ENTITLED TO A FEE.
YOU'RE NO A DOCTOR.
YOU'RE A MURDERER, A KILLER !
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, THAT A BLACK MAN CAN'T BE A DOCTOR ?
WHAT THE *** DOES BLACK HAVE TO DO WITH THIS ?
YOU JUST KILLED SOMEBODY.
JUST PLEASE TAKE A LOOK AT THIS NEXT TAPE OF ME
EUTHANIZING A MAN WHO WAS CONFINED TO A CHAIR.
( yelling )
PLEASE, PLEASE, HELP ME.
I DON'T WANT TO DIE.
I DON'T WANT TO DIE !
NOW, THAT GUY WAS ACTUALLY SAYING,
"I DON'T WANT TO DIE !"
HOW DO YOU CALL THAT SUICIDE ?
WELL, CHRIS, SOME PEOPLE, AFTER THEY MAKE THE BRAVE DECISION
TO TAKE THEIR OWN LIVES, RIGHT BEFORE THE ACTUAL ACT,
THEY HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS.
THEY HAVE WHAT I CALL FEAR OF DEATH.
NOW, IT'S MY JOB TO SEE THEM THROUGH THAT TIME OF DOUBT.
NO, NO, DOCTOR, YOU ARE A FRAUD.
CHRIS, I BEG TO DIFFER--
( sneezing )
SIR, IS THAT A COLD YOU HAVE ?
ONE SECOND, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
I WANT TO THANK DR. JOHNSON VERY MUCH.
NOW HERE TO PERFORM THE SONG, "PHENOMENON"
FROM HIS LATEST ALBUM JUST RELEASED THIS WEEK,
GIVE IT UP FOR L.L. COOL J.
♪ YEAH YEAH YEAH ♪
♪ C'MON, HOLD IT ♪
♪ HANDS IN THE AIR ♪
♪ YOU AND THE CREW ♪
♪ HOLD IT ♪
♪ BABY GIRL WAS DRAPED IN CHANEL ♪
♪ SAID SHE LOVE TUPAC BUT HATES SOME LL ♪
♪ SEEN HER AT THE BAR WITH ANKLETS AND TOE RINGS ♪
♪ TAKE A PRINCE, TURN HIM INTO A KING ♪
♪ STARING AT HER IN THE LIMELIGHT, PEARLY WHITES ♪
♪ SAID HER MAN GET PAPER BUT HE DON'T LIVE RIGHT ♪
♪ ALL THESE EMOTIONS FLOWING INSIDE THE CLUB ♪
♪ DO YOU REALLY WANNA THUG OR DO YA WANT LOVE? ♪
♪ SHE GETS THE PAPER WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET IT ♪
♪ KEEPS THESE CLOWNS THINKING LIKE JACK B. QUICK ♪
♪ HONEY SMOKE MAKE YOU CLICK, FEEL IT IN THEIR THROATS ♪
♪ NO JOKE ALL THESE LOVE LETTERS THEY WROTE ♪
♪ BEHIND EVERY PLAYA IS A TRUE PLAYETTE ♪
♪ BOUNCE YOU UP, OUTTA THERE, PUSH YOUR CHECK ♪
♪ TASTER'S CHOICE, HAVE YOU NICE AND MOIST ♪
♪ OR PLAY PAPER GAMES OR FLOSS THE ROLLS ROYCE ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON (C'MON) ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON (UP OUT YA SEATS) ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON ♪
(HANDS IN THE AIR SIDE TO SIDE)
♪ LET ME HEAR YOU SAY YEAH (YEAH!) ♪
♪ SAY YEAH (YEAH!) ♪
♪ NOW SCREAM ♪
♪ HOLD IT ♪
♪ HE WAS KING OF SEDUCTION, COP A SUCTION ♪
♪ NOW SHE WITH A CAT THAT WORK CONSTRUCTION ♪
♪ FORFEIT THE PAPER, ABUSE THE MIND ♪
♪ DIS A NEW LOVER, WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S OUTTA LINE ♪
♪ ON TOP, LAP DANCIN' GOT TO STOP ♪
♪ YOU PLAY OUT YOUR CHICK 'CAUSE YOUR GAME IS HOT ♪
♪ I DID IT TOO, ITALIAN ICE, MY WHOLE CREW ♪
♪ BANGING ON MY CHEST TILL IT'S BLACK AND BLUE ♪
♪ YOU BEEFIN', YELLIN' ON THE CELL OF MY 6 ♪
♪ YOU REACH IT THEN YOU HEAR THE CORDLESS CLICK ♪
♪ NOW YOUR CLUB HOPPING, KEEP THE CRISTAL POPPIN' ♪
♪ USE MY CHIPS AND TAKE THE NEXT MAN SHOPPIN' ♪
♪ HELL NO, MUST BE OUT YOUR MIND ♪
♪ YOUR KNEES AND YOUR ELBOWS EACH AND EVERY TIME ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU ♪
♪ MAMI, YOU RUN YOUR MOUTH ♪
♪ THROW YOUR LEGS OVER THE BED BABY WORK ME OUT ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON (C'MON) ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON (C'MON) ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON ♪
♪ (HANDS IN THE AIR SIDE TO SIDE) ♪
♪ HANDS IN THE AIR ♪
♪ LET ME HEAR YOU SAY YEAH (YEAH!) ♪
♪ SAY YEAH (YEAH!) ♪
♪ NOW SCREAM ♪
♪ HOLD IT ♪
♪ HE WAS ALL SOUPED UP, BUT PLAYED IT JUST RIGHT ♪
♪ I WAS FULL BLOWN, MY GAME WAS AIR TIGHT ♪
♪ I NEEDED TO SWITCH UP AND GET IT IN GEAR ♪
♪ IT'S A WHOLE NEW MOVIE, A WORLD PREMIERE ♪
♪ YEAH KEEP IT JINGLIN', NO MORE MINGLIN' ♪
♪ BRAND NEW YEAR, ME AND YOU CAN BRING IT IN ♪
♪ I'M TIRED OF THE FREAKIN', NIGHT TO MORN' ♪
♪ MOANIN' IN THE MIRROR WITH MY CUBANS ON ♪
♪ LET BYGONES BE BYGONES, NO MORE GAMES ♪
♪ ALL THE CHICKEN HEADS GO UP IN FLAMES ♪
♪ BRAND NEW MANSION, WITH THE LAKE IN BACK ♪
♪ GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT, MAMI I LIKE THAT ♪
♪ COLLECT TIPS, COP HIS AND HER WHIPS ♪
♪ THE VOICE A QUARTER MIL'-ON, CLOSE THE SAFE ♪
♪ YOU'RE WORTH IT PLAYGIRL, REAL IN THE FIELD ♪
♪ SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT KEEP YOUR LIPS SEALED ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON (C'MON) ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON (C'MON) ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON (C'MON) ♪
♪ LET ME HEAR YOU SAY YEAH (YEAH!) ♪
♪ SAY YEAH (YEAH!) ♪
♪ NOW SCREAM ♪
♪ SCREAM ♪
♪ RAISE THE ROOF ♪
♪ C'MON, C'MON, RAISE THE ROOF ♪
♪ RAISE THE ROOF ♪
♪ C'MON C'MON RAISE THE ROOF ♪
♪ LET ME HEAR YOU SAY PHENOMENON ♪
♪ (PHENOMENON) ♪
♪ SAY PHENOMENON (PHENOMENON) ♪
♪ SAY PHENOMENON (PHENOMENON) ♪
♪ NOW SCREAM ♪
♪ YOU AND THE CREW HOLD IT C'MON C'MON ♪
♪ YOU AND THE CREW HOLD IT C'MON C'MON ♪
♪ YOU AND THE CREW HOLD IT C'MON C'MON ♪
♪ YOU AND THE CREW HOLD IT C'MON C'MON ♪
♪ YOU AND THE CREW HOLD IT C'MON C'MON ♪
♪ YOU AND THE CREW HOLD IT C'MON C'MON ♪
♪ YOU AND THE CREW HOLD IT C'MON C'MON ♪
♪ YOU AND THE CREW HOLD IT C'MON C'MON ♪
♪ PHENOMENON ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A PHENOMENON ♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, L.L. COOL J.
THE BADDEST AROUND.
I'D LIKE TO THANK OUR GUESTS, BRYANT GUMBEL AND L.L. COOL J.
YO FLASH, TAKE US OUT.
♪ ( music )♪
Captions Copyright 2006 HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
Captioned by HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER