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The issue of life and how to live it fully, getting the most from it and not looking at
the lives of others wishing for what they have is obviously something important to me
ľ Iĺve spent a lot of time thinking about it. But what is perhaps most fascinating is
that I have found these same issues are important to just about everyone I talk withůůthere
is nothing here that is foreign to our mind or our heart. We spend our life with others,
we compare our self to the self of others and we examine our life and how we are doing
it with how others are doing theirs. All of this is why competition becomes a part of
our experience ľ in family life, amongst friends, with neighbors, in the workplaceůůůand
when we feel like we just donĺt measure up to our own expectations of our self, and we
donĺt meet what others expected of us, there is anxiety and fear and depression and an
awkwardness that makes us less available to our own self and also to others.
When I have felt really crummy about myself, Iĺve shut myself off because it is too hard
to look and see. How many people do you think share that experience? How many people shut
themselves off by getting inebriated in one way or another in order to either stop looking
or to see their self differently?
I think it is why people decide to escape from normal consciousness altogether. Iĺve
asked people this question when they are people who drink a lot of alcohol or do drugs of
some sortů..and the answer is invariably about a desire to ôkick backö ôrelaxö
ôtake it easyöů.but why the introduction of a substance to do it? The answer is always
about freeing the mind, letting the mind go to a different placeůů.I find this fascinating
because itĺs not like we cannot get there without chemical assistance. The concept of
mind altering by substances is one that actually isolates us from others, it changes the ability
we have to connect in a genuine mannerů.in a manner that allows for the trueness of connection
where we meet, as my dear friend, author, Parker Palmer likes to say ľ deep to deep.
The question is ľ how do we go deep to deep? What does that mean and why should we even
care? My answer is that the experience of life is very deepůů..if it werenĺt, there
would be no emotion about anythingů.weĺd merely be flat lined for the entire experienceů.but
thatĺs not how it happens. We do go deep and we get close to one another and we get
injuredůůand we feel the full range of emotions that accompany the thoughts that take us on
those emotional journeys. Worse yet, we get tired of our emotions and go through periods
of time where we commit to turning them off and adopting the frame of mind that weĺre
not going to risk getting hurt again. Iĺve never met a person yet who has not run through
this line of thinkingů.and acted on it!
Each of us is born with a multitude of blessings and certainly talents. I think our best talent
is our ability to connectů.both to the self and to another. There is an old saying, weĺve
all heard it ľ you must love yourself before you can love another.
Yes.
It is true because we must first know how it feels inside of our own self to receive
tender and genuine appreciation before we can know how to offer it to another. We are
not mechanical beings, we are deeply feeling, deeply thinking bodies of energy and spirit
and complexity. We have each asked the question openly and inside of our own mind ľ what
is life all about and what is my purpose here?
To answer this you can spend an entire lifetime of doing nothing else other than contemplatingůůand
there are people who do exactly that. We call them philosophers and religious clergy, sometimes
they are poets. Even if we do not dedicate our public life to answering the question,
we ask it privately and we strive for clarity in the answer, clarity that will guide us
to feeling our purpose. That purpose however is shallow without our connection to anotherů..we
need one another in order to survive and to thrive and that means we need to understand
human nature so that we can best maneuver our way with the many others we will experience
in this life journey ľ including our own self.
Maya Angelou is one of the authors who I really enjoy the writings of. She is both tender
and tough. One of the things I credit her with articulating so very well is the following
ľ people may forget what you said and what you did but they will never forget how you
made them feel. True.
Who is it, in your private life, your personal life, who makes you laugh really hard?
Who brings you to a complete boiling point of anger?
Who prompts you to cry like a baby? Do you remember exactly what they did or saidů.?
Not oftenůů.no. We can hold onto grudges and also delightful connections for an entire
lifetime and recall only one thing clearly ľ how that person made us feel. Feelings
run deep.
When we are at our lowest point of feeling, we are actually at a time of prime opportunityůů..some
call the experience of a complete failure the perfect storm for a great comeback. I
agreeůůbut you have to believe it and embrace it. So how does it happenůůand do you need
to sink before you can benefit from the potential opportunity for a renewed life experience
and great availability to another? No. However, what we must each do is become available to
our self once we have made the commitment to save our lifeů.and when I say save our
life I mean it in a variety of ways because there are many ways in which this happens.
It can happen for you as it did for me ľ in the story I related about losing my mother.
That, by the way, was only one story, I have saved my life several timesů.that means I
have worked to recapture my life and to feel the desire to thriveůů.ů..and because of
the experiences I have had in this life, which have taken me across that threshold of deep
despair more than once ľ with illness, with loss, with sheer terror and griefůůůand
I am not unique ľ all of this is part of the human experienceů.you just have to touch
it and acknowledge itů.we have all had our episodes. Some people go through a massive
transformation when they have a life threatening accident or illness ľ suddenly everything
becomes more precious because of the threat of running out of time here and having death
knock on the doorůůů..sometimes it is when we are so sad and heartbroken about a situation
that it feels too painful to take the next breath and we simply want to evaporate from
this life so that we feel no moreůno more pain, no more anything. These are obvious,
overt, magnified scenariosů.but there are others.
For some people, the experience of having an opportunity to save their own life is tied
to the work they do daily to earn a livingůůthey hate it and look forward every Monday to the
nearest Friday so that they can have the weekend to recover from the experienceůů.week after
week, and then for months and yearsů.looking forward only to assigned vacation times for
escape and eventually counting the days until retirement. What a way to experience life
and spend each dayůůůit is no surprise that statistics indicate very vividly that
Monday morning is the most dominant day and time of day for heart attacks ľ the mind
and the body are one. We simply cannot afford to be so unavailable to our self that we ignore
the heartĺs desires and what the mind wants, what it cravesůůů.we are called to pay
close attention to our self and our need for fulfillment and pleasureůand when we do this,
we are available not only to our own self but we are free to connect with, and be of
deep value to, another.
Have you ever had the experience of dating a person who was so self absorbed that it
made you feel insignificant? I had a friend who I initially really enjoyed, at least to
the point of wanting to explore that relationshipůů.he was smart and really handsome and pretty funnyůůand
we had fun togetherůůweĺd take a great walks and talk and laugh. Initially, we met
because a friend thought weĺd be helpful to one another ľ we were both in tough place
and he thought weĺd be good company. When we got together, weĺd talk about our challenges
and initially it seemed like we were sharingů.and then, as I reflected, I made note that I was
never saying anything about my life ľ he had no idea what was going on in my heart
and my mind. My talking was in response to his storyůůhis long story, every single
day, complaining about his horrible former spouse and all her negative traits and how
vile he found her to beůůone day I simply asked him ľ do you realize that you are the
one who picked her?
Stunned, he stood there and stared at meů..blank facial expressionůů.and I waited for his
response. His claim was that she had tricked him. Reallyů? I then took a huge risk and
askedůů..are you telling me that you were somehow unawareů..that you missed all of
her cues and behaviors that you now see? Again, he was stumped. After a few minutes of thinking
about it, he told me that in the beginning of any relationship, it feels good to be with
another person and youĺre just happyů.so you donĺt notice those things. I waited and
thought for a minute and asked him ľ so, you were with her because it was the feelings
of happiness that were only available to you when you were with another and not when you
were with your own selfů.? Now he was truly stuck because he needed to go deep inside
of his heart if he were going to answer that questionůůů..and during this time, I was
being very kind and softůůI really wanted to knowů.I was not playing a game of harshness
but I was curious as to whether or not he could go deep and look at himselfůůů.he
told me, very sadly, yesůů.I hate being aloneůůI hate where my mind drifts off toů.and
Iĺd rather be anywhere than with just with myself. I could not help but tear upůůthis
was so heartbreaking to hearů..but I had heard this from so many people across the
years.
As we sat together, I asked him ľ if you cannot be with you, what is it that happens
when you are with another? Do you think that you are really available for the other person
to know you, to see you, to feel who you are if you are deflecting every bit of yourself?
How often do you have the kind of conversation with another that we are having here right
now? When was the last time you looked into the eyes of another deeply and with an openness
to not just see inside of them but also share what is viewable inside of you? He could not
rememberůůů..
I then asked him, how available are you to your own selfůů.and how will you feel if
today is your last day of being alive and you die aloneů..will you be available to
you own self enough to experience your exit embracing how full your life wasů.? Or will
you be in complete agony with regret and anger that you failed here and had a lonesome and
unsatisfying journey?
He criedů..and so did I. And in that moment, I gave him the most enormous and loving hug
I have ever extended to another and I thanked him for being available enough to himself
to be available to me. We sat together for many hoursůůtalking deep to deepů.he looked
at him selfů..he allowed me to talk to him about the reality that whatever inside of
our self is not scaryůůit is who we are and it needs tending toů.by usů.not by others,
but by us more than by others foreverů..and when we do allow others in, they need to be
ready to give more to us than just something we feel is a void being filledů.because if
we donĺt tend to us and we expect another to fill every need, even the ones we can fill,
every relationship is doomed for failure through disappointment.
We became very good friends after that episodeůand he took a number of steps to learn about going
deep and learning to love his self. This was a man who had his first heart attack when
he was barely 40, had another at 44, another at 47ů.and had gone through women and relationships
like they meant nothingů.all because he was cut off from his own self and didnĺt take
the opportunity to save his own life. Each woman he met and found interest in quickly
became a physically intimate partnerů..and really intimate, just physically useful. He
had physical closeness by proximity, not through any genuine connection; those encounters gave
him brief satisfaction quickly followed by lonesome feelings. With this turning point
experience however, he opened and took many positive steps to become open to his self
and open to the idea that he needed to save his own lifeůůhe is now a decade beyond
that day and has had no heart attacks, no health issues, and is happily married. His
wife adores him because of the good and true person he is and it works because they are
available to one another in every genuine sense.
The question for you now is ľ how available are youů.to your own selfů.?
Do you know who the best and the deepest parts of you areůů? How do you get there?
I invite you, right now, to sit quietlyůůclose your eyesůůand open your mind to knowing
who the you of the self isůů..and know this as your starting point ľ we were all created
from a sourceů.a source that has created a magnificent universeůand regardless of
your religious beliefs, you have nothing to lose by thinking and embracing the idea of
magnificent sourceůůů.and when a source creates such beauty, how evil can it possibly
beů..? We are from itůů..we are one with itů..and we are form one anotherůů.we are
all connected to each other for better and for worseůůwe are just simply peopleů..why
not explore what the person is that is youůůů.
Think of who you areů.in simple termsů..not your job but your basic characterůů..look
for what is of value and what is most precious and beauty filledůů.and hold that in your
mind right nowůůůand come back to this place each dayůů..at some point during each
day when you think you can give yourself 5 minutes to say hello to your soul and become
available to youů.youĺll be amazed at what is going to happenůů.and youĺll learn more
about the how of it when we continue in the next segment of the series about Stress and
your beautiful body.