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It was very nice of you to come over for Christmas this year.
Why, thank you, Michelle.
Well, for once, I now got free time thanks to the holiday break.
It's been so long since I got to visit you and the family.
It's especially a pleasure to be able to come back to the house and celebrate Christmas here.
-Are you excited for what Santa's going to bring you? -Yes. I asked him for a Furby this year.
Oh, I remember when Furby dolls first came out.
Your sister asked for one years ago, and I didn't want one anywhere in my house.
Of course, she got one that year, and it was even worse than I anticipated.
Hopefully, the creators of that doll had worked out the kinks in it.
So, what's that book in your hand?
So, what's that book in your hand?
Michelle, I am about to read you a Christmas book that has been passed down from one generation to the next, to my generation, to yours.
It's called "The Night Before Christmas".
Of course, the bookstore was out of stock with that book, so I had to find it somewhere else.
Let's see. Ah, here we go.
'Twas the night before Christmas When all through the apartment,
Not a creature was stirring, Not even a rodent.
The stockings were hung By the HD Television with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas Would soon be there.
My roommates were nestled, All snug in their beds,
While visions of women Danced in their heads.
And I in my pajamas, Under a blanket so warm,
And I in my pajamas, Under a blanket so warm,
Had settled my brain On the sofa's arm.
When all of a sudden, There arose such a clatter.
I sprang from the couch To see what was the matter.
Away to the porch, I flew like a flash.
Then to the other side of the room In a madder dash.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature SUV, Loaded with presents right here.
With a little old driver, So lively and quick,
I thought for a moment It must be Saint Nick.
But no, the guy who was Actually in that driver seat...
Was his less-magical brother, Saint Matthew Reed.
He stumbles out the seat, So very drunk.
The only thing for me to do was to Run down to help this schmuck.
What happened next Would sound very lame,
But I ran down the stairs, Calling him by name.
Hey, Matt! What are you doing out here? It's only 1 in the morning!
Well, Warren, I had to do, um, Something.
Okay, then. Tell me. Where were you, wearing that Santa hat?
Salvation Army. That's where I was at!
Does that explain all those Presents in the back?
Yeah, they were for the kids. All in those bags.
And did you forget to donate them Because the beer had you in a hurry?
No, I went over there, And I took them all over here with me.
You stole all those presents?
I yelled at him angrily,
Because a crime like this Was more than a felony.
I ran back inside and Turned on the news feed
To hear about all those presents That were stolen by Matt Reed.
There are probably cops after you right now. What the heck were you thinking?