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According to my Google alert for Max's homemade cupcakes-
You have a Google alert for our business?
I only have a Google alert for "Oprah goes topless."
I'm not saying it's gonna happen, but I'm saying, if it does, I'm gonna be the first one to know.
Superman changed in a phone booth, not a stall that says: "For a good time, call Max."
Well, if you had problem with it, why did you write it?
'Cause I didn't have enough eyeliner to write: "For an interesting time, call Caroline."
Max, Google alert.
Max, let that go. It's never gonna happen.
Not with that attitude...
I am getting my new pants!
I just got a $500 pledge!
Somebody wants to slap me!
If she ever gets a new shirt, just kill me.
I hear you, Max, but I just can't believe you included her on the text.
I can't believe you talk about me behind my back.
It's bad. I am sorry.
What can I do?
Hit me. Punch me. Tell my mother where I live.
Congratulations, Max. Now you're like all my old girlfriends.
This is not what I think. I'm not sick of you.
'Cause when I see it in writing, it feels like you are.
I killed it because it hurt you.
I swear I will never accidentally say anything about you again I never meant.
I have to get ready for work. It's fine.
Please stop saying it's fine!
Fine doesn't mean fine.
You're right. It's not fine.
It sucks. I'm hurt. You're the one person I care most about-
No, you are the person I care the most about.
Well, right now it's doesn't feel that way.
It has to feel that way!
You're my best friend, Caroline. I love you.
Oh, my God, now I'm really gonna throw up.
Max, that's the first time you said "I love you"?
Don't look at me. I'm embarrassed.
There's a woman here who said she paid to slap you.
-I'll go. -What?
I'll take it. I deserve it.
You've already gotten a slap in the face from me.
Seriously? You're not gonna stop me?
I love you too.
I'm so sick of you...
Can we keep it, ma? Can we keep it?
We need to find it a place to live.
Why can't it live right here in my arm in between my hot naturals?
Kitty. Kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty.
I have to admit, that does feel kind of good.
Really? Well, we have your cat.
Woa, woa, woa. Not so fast.
I got a couple of questions first.
Do you smoke?
Forget the cat.
Will you take me home?
Oh, my God!
Is this what happiness feels like?
So what made you change your mind?
Because 2 years ago I was outside your door
saying: "Hello. Hello."
That's kind of different, though, because I didn't want to let you in.
You let me in,
and you gave me food and shelter and love.
Not the way I wanted to give it to the cat.
You did the right thing.
Kitty, kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty.
Oh, I think mine's coming. I think mine's coming.
You don't even know if you're coming or not?
That's so you.
I'm bisexual now!
Perfect, now we have the LGBTQ community represented.
- What's the "Q"? - Questioning.
Now you're bisexual?
This is our new product, called Cake Fries.
Oh, no, this looks very fattening.
One lick isn't going to kill you.
Yeah, just ask Sophie.
This is gross. And it's very messy.
Oh, come on, then what was earlier?
We're gonna be successful because we have the two things that really matter...
You and me.
Salty and sweet.
You know, it's nice to eat something
you don't have to compliment every five minutes.
You know, like a finger basket.
Finger basket...? Is that another nickname of yours?
No, but for one summer, it could've been.
I can't sleep without those sheets!
I'm so angry at you!
I'd be even angrier if I hadn't found this great bra.
Where's that pill?
I've got it on my person,
and if this doesn't work I'll give it to you.
Oh, I'll go elbow-deep for that pill. And don't think I won't.
Meet your new sheets.
I'm not a mental patient.
If I was, I'd be living in a much nicer place.
And all my pillowcases would have edges.
What was it like anyway?
It was kinda like the end of your new PJ's,
but not the queerest thing I've ever seen.
A candle? What are we, witches?
Now, imagine yourself in a relaxed, beautiful place.
Breathe in and out.
Look, if there's one thing old finger basket knows how to do
it's in and out.
I tied the doorknob to my bed with a rope and locked all the bedroom windows.
Are you trying to hurt me or turn me on?
Either that or you scalped a lesbian from the '80s.
Yep, I grabbed her bolo tie and climbed up on her shoulder pads.
You took away my security thing,
So now I'm taking away your security thing,
I'm gonna be awake forever.
You can rub me.
Wow, that wig changed you.
Rub the edge on the bottom of my jammie top like it's your pillowcase.
If I rub the bottom of your jammies, that would be my bottom.
I'm sorry I got rid of your sweet sheets.
So, June, here's the thing. We have this boss.
Yeah, girl, work that!
I'm being encouraging, businesswoman to businesswoman.
Anyway, his name is Han Lee, and see, his mother is coming to visit.
Oh, nice move there.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I wasn't encouraging. Just commenting.
Oh, peek-a-boo, there's your head.
Anyway, he needs a girlfriend,
so he sent his mother pictures of you and said you were his girlfriend.
I think it's her turn.
The gist is he's willing to pay you to pretend to be his girlfriend.
And I'm willing to pay you to show me how to do that with my hips.
Ooh, you would make a great stripper.
I know, I just have a fear of success thing.
Can we turn the music off?
I'm getting disoriented and, in all honesty, a little turned on.
I cannot be a latent bisexual with everything else already on my plate.
Whatever your rate is for sex, but you won't even have to have sex.
- At the most, just kissing. - Kissing is $500.
I love you.
Thank you for making me take the reservation, Max.
I mean, otherwise, I was just gonna get in bed and be depressed.
Even if I am a "B," at least I'm an authentic "B."
I don't pretend to be something I'm not.
You do kind of pretend to be something you're not.
Pastry school is the same as ***.
It's just a dumb fantasy.
There is nothing in this brochure about a girl-on-girl croissant.
I'm telling you, Max, I've tasted a lot of tarts, and yours is delicious.
You are not the first man to tell me that.
It costs $24,000?
We can't pay that.
Oh, my God, now I'm never gonna be able to come here
and I just admitted I wanted to!
I take back everything I ever said about wanting anything.
Look, I will do anything for that girl to go to this school.
In exchange for tuition, I could work in the office.
Here you go. Your school uniform.
This is where my name's gonna go!
My chef name: Conchita Bonfire.
See you in class, guys. I gotta say good-bye to my wife.
Did you think I was gonna kiss you?
I'm the wife, you're the husband, who I caught wearing my clothes one day,
but I don't say anything about it...
You didn't know your nanny was a marine?
That's too bad, 'cause I'd be all:
"Yo, other little rich kid! My nanny can snap your neck."
Nobody here knows anything about me.
They didn't know me either, chicken.
- You know who I am? - Of course I do.
I was her roommate. And lover.
We were together 30 years.
I mean, come on.
That's me with my arm around her on a tank.
Vintage ***... Very cool.
I know Toni would have wanted you to have these.
You're probably the only person in the world
who loved her as purely as I did.
I won't judge you, Caroline.
I once went out with a married woman.
I didn't know she was married until her spouse came and beat me up.
Lesbians are strong.
Not a lesbian yet. So I'm very upset.
Sophie, have you ever had sex with a friend?
Are you two gonna do it?
- No, that is not what... - Oh, don't do that!
No, it will ruin your relationship and my opinion of Max.
but just so you know,
nothing happened between me and Judy last night.
That's lame... if you like a girl, you should just grab her and kiss her.
Two important things.
I'm the guy you've been talking to on OK-Cupid.
I need five minutes of girl talk
and not a minute more because I'm worried it'll turn me into a girl.
If you're this upset about the money,
how are you gonna react when you find out I'm really a woman?
We wouldn't care.
Why do you care what his wife thinks about your hair?
You're not gonna be sleeping with her.
Although you'd be a lot more interesting if you did.
You were right. You better stop me. Get up here with us.
I'm not getting in bed with you.
Max, just get in the bed.
I know a Jaques-block when I see one.
You know, last night when you and I were in bed,
I realized I guess Nicolas is just gonna be one of those people in my life
that I'm always gonna almost have sex with, but I never will.
Yeah, like me and you.
Guess what they are.
We're not lesbians.
Wait, wait, Caroline.
Do we still have a shot or not?
Then better go hide in the bathroom.
I don't want this screwing up my marriage.
In my fantasy, you and I move into that penthouse I bought from Jennifer Lawrence.
Right over there, with the roof garden, see?
And Deke said to make sure to bring you.
And relax, it's not a three-way situation.
When we made our three-way list,
you were at the bottom with Taylor Swift.
At least I am with Taylor.
if you say another bad word about her,
I'm gonna "whoosh-whoosh" you off that chair.
Max, these are our friends.
Yeah, well she is my friend, and she's had it pretty rough.
And I'm not gonna sit here and let them insult her.
Deke is nothing like you!
You are resilient and smart and creative and driven.
No one could do what you did. You're amazing.
Max, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Oh, don't get all wet.
You're still at the bottom of the three-way list.
My point is I can't let Deke give up his money.
So do you guys do wedding cakes?
- No. - Yes.
I don't. She does.
She's the baker, and, yes, we do tons of wedding cakes.
Gay weddings, straight weddings.
-Max, I need I break. -Me too.
Maybe just two weeks apart, like no phone calls, nothing?
I mean the cake.
And you love me.
Yup, that's totally her walking down the aisle.
So the check, you can hand it to me now.
Now I'm thinking... I do want to get married.
If you're trying to hook up with me, you're a little late.
That dad just slipped me his room key.
You really do make a lovely bride.
You know I have one of those ham turkeys in my underwear, right?
Oh, I thought you were just happy to see me.
This is nice.
I just wanted to say thank you for everything.
And I was watching you guys dance together, and now I'm thinking...
I might be into girls.
Can I call you?
- Yes. - No.
Girls, I know you want your apartment back
and I'm a reasonable man,
so all I want before I go is a little you-know-what.
But then we'd have to live apart.
I know, but I don't see another choice.
I'm not ready to live without you.
I'm not ready to live without you.
I saw the pump! Pack your things!
Max, I can't believe you were almost willing to do that
to live with me.
You know what? I'm going in.
Because the thought of not seeing you
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, would kill me!
We couldn't do it with Lester.
I know, that's why I'm here.
I don't think my heart could take it.
Afraid sex with Sophie would kill you?
Yeah, that's why I haven't gone there.
Max, maybe we should get in on the action.
Nah, that's a lot of tongue for me.
No, I meant place a bet.
Max, I think I'm in a three-way.
Well, you look exactly the way I imagined you'd look in a three-way.
You think you don't have a problem?
Then, fine, you can have the money.
You won't be sorry. Where is it?
In my bra.
Where's your bra?
On my ***.
Fine, I'm doing this for both of us.
Still think you don't have a problem?
Geez, where is it?
Is there a map or a tour guide?
Coming up on your left. You're about 20 minutes away.
It's quite a walk. You might want to take the tram.
Oh, wait, you forgot some.
Just kidding, it's late, and it felt kind of good.
You would've graduated if the school hadn't closed,
and Oleg knows a guy who fakes documents.
I'm not even a high school graduate.
The only thing I graduated from was a scared straight program,
which is why I'm not gay anymore.
I know that you can.
Look at me.
You are smart.
I passed! I got a "B"!
Now my grade matches your ***!
Max, that bed is so tiny, we're gonna have to spoon.
It is okay that she wasn't there today, because you were.
And none of this would have been possible if you hadn't pushed me.
You had faith in me like Thomas Jefferson had faith in Lewis and Clark.
- Okay, bye. - Bye.
- I want a divorce. - I already filed.