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Hey, guys.
Welcome to another exciting episode of Table Talk.
I'm Steve Zaragoza.
I'm Philip DeFranco.
I'm Ross Everett.
You know how the show works.
Use the hashtag "Table Talk" on Twitter,
and we'll throw your comments and things into this bowl.
And then we'll pull them out randomly and read them.
Done.
Like random.
Random.
Ready.
Ready to go.
A question from Potato says, "Do you
think that you act differently when
there are no cameras around you?"
A little bit.
But also when cameras are still on.
Like if you look at my blogs, or even on here,
my voice is slower, slightly deeper.
There's just something about the show where I--
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Phil talks like this.
Because I talk like this.
I feel like I talk slower, even more than this.
But when I do the show, it's like, 'sup nation!
I don't know.
It's weird.
You've got a stage voice.
Not on purpose, though.
I think it's just like it's a different mindset,
different set-up.
You turn it on.
You're a radio host.
Radio hosts are like, "Welcome back to the talk of the hour.
We're going to be listening to," and then when that guy's off,
he's like, "Can I get my coffee please?"
So you know it's like one of those things as a performance
thing.
I don't know.
I feel like, maybe a little bit.
Maybe you turn it up a little bit for the camera.
Ross is different.
I'm definitely different off camera.
But it's good, because we have people here.
There's also a lot of people on YouTube that never turn it off.
Boy, that was a-- I shouldn't have sighed that heavily
about that.
You shouldn't.
Because here at the office, Lee is probably
the most "on" person, but she does it
in a way that never makes me want to *** her,
like is the usual thing for people
who can never turn it off.
Yeah, I think everybody kind of does
a little something for the camera.
I know a person that-- actually, I haven't seen him in forever.
And it's weird, because you get stuck in this.
Toby Turner is almost never off, ever, whatsoever.
Which makes it hard to understand, figure out,
if that's him.
But he does slow down every now and then.
Don't you feel like people like that burn out?
No.
What do you mean, no?
Like I know if I'm on camera, if it's
a huge day, at the end of the day, I'm exhausted.
Like I just want to curl up with a book.
Sometimes, but it's literally his personality.
He's just a-- it's OK, Drew.
It's OK.
It's only slight audio.
I don't know.
It's just part of his personality.
I think that it's more exhausting
if I had to turn it on, and I just stayed on.
And I'd be like, ah, this is not me.
Well, people get really mad at me in the morning,
because I'm like [SNAPS] on right in the morning,
and people are like, "I haven't had my coffee, yet.
What are you doing?"
I'm like, "Hey, guys, I got some toys."
And people are like, what's going on here?
Also, I feel like I'd be on in the morning
if I came in to a desk full of toys.
Cool toys.
Yeah, that's true.
It's not even like it's the same toys.
You get a new toy every day.
It's new toys.
Yeah, I know.
It's pretty exciting.
Something about the way that you say "toy"
really makes me happy.
Don't you hear it?
It's like a baby boy saying the word--
Check out these toys.
--toy.
Like a hard T.
Also games.
Games.
Toys.
I don't know why the word because always did it for me.
The hard C.
Are you all right?
I don't know.
I'm kind of bleeding out the nose a little bit.
What's happening?
Daniel Bryant says, "Do you blame your pets for something
you did?"
I hear farts all the time.
People blame their pets for farts.
Every now and then, if it's a bad one and one of the dogs
happens to be in Lindsey's face, I'm like.
I can't believe Ace would do it.
I wish dogs had audible farts, because there
are times when I feel like--
They do have audible farts.
I've never-- so I live with a dog.
It's not my dog.
It's my roommate's dog.
The way you say that just sounds funny.
'Sup, dog.
I live with you.
I want to see you with like some random dog that
rented out the house together.
[SINGING] It's Ross and a dog.
They're living together.
This summer on NBC.
Ross, you didn't do the dishes last night.
And yet the dog's the responsible one.
Is that you speaking dog, or is that dog drunk?
A bit of both.
Depends on the episode.
Yeah, Ross did put Budweiser into the dog dish.
Oh, no, the dog got into my beer.
Like I'll be sitting on the couch and then all of a sudden,
I'll smell this awful smell.
And I'll forget that there's a dog there,
and I'll think I'm having a stroke.
Yeah, dogs do the silent but deadlies.
But I have a pug.
And she like-- you hear it, man.
It sounds like human farts sometimes.
That's why you love her.
I know.
I love her so much for that.
It's what connects you.
Yeah.
I'm just imagining the episode where the dog teaches Ross
how to lick his balls.
He's like, "Here's what you do."
Or I teach the dog.
Oh.
That's a nice little--
--little twist.
It's an origin story.
I draw a line down the center of the apartment
that you can't cross, but it's a *** dog,
so it just keeps coming over to my side.
You know, I think this show exists already.
It's called Wilfred.
Oh, yeah.
Holy crap.
Oh, I'd love to be in Wilfred.
The funny episode where the dog gets
Ross to chase a laser pointer.
How could you?
I can't not chase it.
Who chose that?
I did.
But did you all answer it?
Yeah.
Mostly farts.
Well, do you blame dogs for something you did?
No, honestly, because the things that I do, a dog can't.
A dog can't open the fridge and eat some of my roommate's food.
YouTube would say different.
YouTube would say different.
Oh, I don't know how Harley did that.
Oh, no, that's so weird.
Are we turning this into a clip show?
Yeah, let's just go to a clip.
And roll the clip.
And we're back.
And we don't have a clip?
OK.
Katrina A at kat attack 1992 says,
"Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet?"
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's easy to fall in love,
because I think for the most part,
most people fall in love with the idea of a person,
rather than a person.
But is that true love?
I think there's no such thing as true love.
Yeah there is.
Oh, snap.
There's infatuation versus love.
OK.
But when you say true love, you're
talking about star-crossed lovers, and not the fact
that I ended up meeting someone in a similar field
rather than a similar area.
Well, are we talking about online dating,
or are we talking about like, "Oh, I really love Steve on--"
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Online dating.
Yeah.
Like I think if Steve and his wife met on the internet.
Yeah.
You know what's funny, though, I think we're at a time
now where definitely it isn't a big deal.
And it shouldn't have been.
But when I was younger, like in high school or whatever,
that was like a thing that was like, what?
You met someone on the internet.
And now you're dating?
That's like the weirdest thing in the world.
I think Myspace and then definitely Facebook
normalized it.
Because I went on a date with a girl from Myspace.
And that was really my only time where it wasn't anything video.
And I was like, oh, OK.
So you're not anything like what you appeared to be.
Well, that's what I was going to say.
I think it all depends on you, the user.
The problem that we have with social media
today is we select the parts of our lives
that we want to share.
We're not really depicting an accurate representation
of who we are.
Yeah, but I feel like that's dating through the years,
anyway.
First dates, for sure.
You're kind of be like, hey, here are my strengths.
But I did online dating.
And I've got to tell you guys, I was so disappointed
every single time.
Not every single time.
But I would go on these dates.
And I'd show up, and I'd be like--
There you are, Peter.
It is you, Peter.
I was like, I guess I could see how you kind of look
like your photo.
People are really good in text.
And they can type.
And they can formulate their words.
But then you meet them in person,
and you realize that they can't make eye contact.
And they're constantly looking at your ear and darting off.
OK.
I can see that.
But when I was--
Your ear?
Yeah.
I went on-- to get personal, I guess-- I've been on a date
with a girl where it was like, oh, you seem really cool.
Because whenever you take a picture,
you're looking into the camera.
It feels like eye contact.
Could not make eye contact.
The entire time, I kept, like, is there something here?
I feel like there's pros and cons to both, though,
because when I was single, which was many, many, years ago,
you had to just kind of deal with the fact
that you can't zero in on people that are like you.
It was about the people that were around you.
That were like, oh, maybe I can find something
I like about that person, or this person, or this person.
But on the internet with this online dating thing,
you're right.
You could potentially just make up everything you want.
But like you could be, via algorithms,
matched up to someone that is almost like you in every way,
which I find like super convenient for single people,
probably.
But it all relies on both parties being absolutely
honest about who they are, and what they want.
It's just so weird.
I was talking to someone recently, and I was just like,
I'm so glad that I don't have to use all the *** that's
out there right now.
Because I have a bunch of friends that, randomly when
we're hanging out, I'll see them scrolling through Tinder.
Oh, man.
You can say it's me.
Well, you're one of them.
I didn't want to throw you there.
No, it's fine.
And I'll be like, OK.
It's just it's such a weird, interesting concept
of ordering something.
But only if the other person orders you.
And that everything's right here,
and it's so-- because the internet has become
this extension of us to that point
in that part of our lives.
That, no.
One, the odds of me meeting someone online that
wouldn't want to put my head on like a shelf, I think is low.
Wait.
Are we talking metaphorically, or you
think you're going to find a serial killer?
A serial killer.
All people on the internet that are interested in me in any way
either have issues or they want to *** me.
Huh.
What do you put out there?
I'm just joking.
I want to know.
I think it'd be really interesting.
I mean, there's no point now.
I'd like to see what your online dating profile would look like.
I think that--
Write your "About me" right now.
--monogamy has suited me very, very well.
I'm very happy with that.
That's a great "About me," by the way.
I don't know why I'm here.
I tried for a little bit.
When I was in college, I lost a bunch of weight.
I thought I could try and date a bunch
of girls at the same time, like go on dates.
It weirded me out.
I had emotional attachments to one.
And then I was just like, OK.
Don't need to go on dates with any of the other girls.
But just the options.
Also I have that very cynical mindset
of most of the people that would be interested in me now
would be interested in me because of my position.
All right.
Yeah.
You can't get past that.
You have to weed through those people.
Like you kind of have to make sure.
Yeah, but how?
I mean you can't-- how do you organically do that?
You just have to ask and assume that they're honest.
See, for me, even in high school, I was the romantic.
I wasn't like the other high school kids wanting to get laid
and just trying to get like your pee pee stinky really quick.
I just wanted to like-- you know, it's one of those things.
Is that what you call sex?
No.
That's the butt sex.
Right?
I think he's talking about regular sex.
It could be either or.
It could be pinky stinky, too.
Oh, stinky pinky.
Oh, please.
I was looking for a relationship in high school.
I wasn't looking for someone to just like, yeah,
let's have sex or something.
So I feel like, as an older person,
like if I was ever in the single world,
I would want to be as honest as possible
because I would probably want to just find a relationship rather
than someone just to hook up with.
Well, as you get older, I feel like you kind of weed
out the people that are just looking to hook up.
And more for the people that want a relationship.
It's just like the biological clock is ticking.
There's a great joke on American Dad where
Roger wants to get married immediately.
So he's like, all right.
JDate forty and single.
And then on his first date, he proposes to a girl.
She's like, yes.
Oh, my god.
He goes, "Rebecca, will you marry me?"
She goes, "It's Rachel.
And yes."
So as you get older, you'll find that people are like, OK.
I'm going to start actually being more true to myself.
And really putting out there what I want.
And not settling for just a *** call.
What is this voice you're doing here?
This is me on the internet.
This is my inner monologue.
This is you off camera.
Yeah.
You guys are wondering what I'm actually like?
I am actually Rip Torn.
Or Rick Taylor.
Confetti.
Rick Torn would be like this, a little bit.
Wait, I was like, not the last question.
Not the last question.
Should we go for it?
Yeah, but also, I wanted to talk about with the internet people,
I like the idea of being able to have
a candid discussion with someone via private messages,
or direct messages, or text, what have you.
Because it makes the getting to know you aspect
of a relationship online a little bit more personal,
I feel like.
Do you feel like getting friends or making friends is harder
slash less something that you're into as you grow older?
Yeah.
And it just kind of happens.
Like it just happens rather than, like, if you want it
or not.
It just happens.
I don't know.
I find a few people interesting outside
of my normal group of friends.
And then I just, I don't know.
I have no desire.
I have a bunch of friends.
I'm really busy.
I don't need a bunch of friends.
No, I think you're right.
I always find, when I come across someone, my parents
still to this day, will be like, there's
this person that you should meet.
Not like a girl.
Just a friend.
He's very, he does comedy, too.
You should talk to him.
And my parents don't actually sound like this.
Just for the record.
That would be much more fun.
But like, you should talk to him.
Would you be interested in having a friend?
Like a play date?
He'll come over, you guys can talk?
And I'm just like, no.
Not at all.
I'll meet people.
Like I met this new friend of mine, Ben.
And immediately we hit it off and started
talking about all this cool stuff.
And I was like, oh, I don't have someone like you in my life,
and that's why it kind of fit.
But if I meet someone, it's like, oh, you're really nice.
But like you said, we're very busy.
We work a lot.
We do a lot of stuff at work.
Well, I'm married, and you have my fiance and a kid coming.
I bought a bike.
I need to put out a profile like, need male friend that's
over the age of 23 and is this skilled at MadMen Call of Duty.
It's like, you need this specific criteria,
because I've got everything else filled.
You're looking for your man Call of Duty friends.
And I'm like, yeah, every friend has to fit a little thing.
I need a friend who on a whim I can call and be like, hey,
I'm going to an arcade machine auction.
Do you want to come with me?
Or hey, I'm going to Frank and Son's toy convention.
You want to come?
I feel like I've got friends covered in every other aspect
except for that aspect.
Before Ross started going on dates
with a bunch of random women--
That's how dating works.
Yeah.
OK.
I'm not going to throw you under the bus.
Richard Ryan has then become that friend
where it's like Sunday at noon, I'm like,
you want to go see a movie and grab sushi?
Yeah, I can't do that any more, because I've
been scheduled out.
I love that he's having to word it.
I'm very--
I can't pencil you in.
I'm sorry.
Also, Phil is the king of, day of, what are you up to right
now?
Yeah, I don't make plans.
And for me, I get this social anxiety
where it's like I need to have plans.
I have nothing going on tonight after dinner,
if you want to play video games.
Hey, last of us?
Let's make a little last of us plan.
You guys saw it.
Ask us later if we actually went through with it.
Schedules stress me the *** out,
because all of a sudden I'm failing myself.
And I don't even want to.
I know.
And I had friends who were upset if I didn't
keep like a calendar of things.
That way if they asked me, can we do something
after work or something, I should know instantly
if I can or not.
And it's like, I can't manage that.
I can't.
I have a calendar for work.
And it is for work.
If I have a calendar for my life,
then it's still going to feel like work.
And it's very stressful.
Because all of a sudden, I like the ability to be like, OK.
I'm not doing anything.
I wonder if anyone else is having a semi-decent whatever
by themselves day and just want to do something?
In my mind, because otherwise, all of a sudden, I'm like,
did we get the reservations?
OK.
***.
I gotta leave two hours before because of traffic,
other than going, I want to grab a bite to eat.
I'm going to go out.
But doesn't that set you up for more disappointment
when you can't find someone?
Yes.
And that's where I operate from.
It's this place of, I don't want to find myself,
like, I'd really like to hang out with someone.
And then it's like, oh, I have to make a ton of phone calls.
And maybe everyone's booked.
It might be that I see my friends as additive
rather than like essential for me to enjoy something.
I can go to the mall and be that guy that eats and then watches
a movie by himself.
And I'm *** ecstatic.
I can't do that.
I always feel--
You know what?
I've been doing that more, the older I get.
But it's also enjoyable if I'm like, hey, Ross, come by.
And then I find out how you're doing, and then we hang out.
Those are the times that I like.
Because I'm all about the human connection.
I just heard this thing that NPR did this research.
And they found that human beings are
happiest when they are working together towards a common goal.
Like that's when human beings are at their best.
And that totally resonated with me.
Because I'm such a collaborative person,
I don't like just being alone.
That's why before I came to work here,
I was just at home making YouTube videos by myself.
And boy, what a lonely existence this is.
When you worked at home?
Yeah.
It was just one of those things where
it's like, I really flourish.
I'm a beautiful flower.
Wow.
Is this also your dating profile here?
Was this a big disguise for your dating profile?
Was this not?
I thought we were still on that other question.
I'm a beautiful flower.
I find that the older I get, the more that I
would prefer to have friends around for almost any instance.
But the older I get, the more I don't mind if I go to the mall
alone, or if I go to the movies alone, or something like that.
It's very strange.
I don't know what that is.
Have you always been that way, or have you found that?
When I was younger, I feel like when
I was younger I also didn't know who I was.
I wasn't happy just in general.
Not even like in my own skin.
I just wasn't happy.
And so I would go and try and be happy.
But in general, I'm content.
I don't know.
Well, you also have to keep in mind,
you guys live with your best friends.
Yeah.
Pretty much.
That's such a huge thing.
I remember when I was in a relationship,
the alone time was beautiful.
Because it was like, not that I wanted to get away,
but-- what do I care?
Who am I protecting?
Yeah.
Exactly.
Who is this person?
It was one of those things where,
when you want that person, they're there.
They're at home when you get there.
And then when you get to go out and have a meal by yourself,
it's a nice break.
That's your peace and quiet time.
Whereas when you're single, you operate from that, like, OK.
I've got this wonderful time alone.
And then getting out of that, going to find that friend
and getting that connection is more of an effort.
Yeah.
It's maybe I'm just in such a different place now.
Because we even have two-- I'm not
going to say their names-- younger guys on staff that
are talented, attractive looking dudes
that are sad because they don't have girlfriends.
And I'm like, why?
You are *** 20 to 21 in LA.
Really?
Will, I wasn't talking about you.
I was talking about those other two.
No.
You're right.
Have fun.
Enjoy your life, for god's sake.
If you have a girlfriend and you like
to spend time with her, great.
Don't make that an aspiration.
People that aspire to be in relationships with people
are usually the most miserable *** people down the road.
Enjoy your life.
Enjoy yourself.
Right?
And start stressing about that *** when you're older.
But you're not going to meet someone you genuinely
like if you're just pursuing it all the time.
That's the fact.
That's true.
It's like that old saying, of you won't find--
Sorry.
No, dude.
Tell it like it is.
Preach it.
That's such an easy mindset to fall into,
because not only do television and movies
glorify relationships, but you'll see happy couple.
Especially at this office, there are a lot of happy couples
here.
Lots of married people.
Married people.
Engaged people.
People with just now strong boyfriends.
And it's just one of those-- yeah,
Drew has a strong boyfriend.
Drew is a strong boyfriend.
He's a very strong, he's a backpack.
Sounds like a weird sex term.
So it's one of those things, if you look around,
it's like, what are you guys up to tonight?
Oh, we're gonna go see "The Book of Mormon,"
or, oh, we're just gonna kind of hang in tonight.
It's just like, oh, that sounds nice.
I get it.
See, but I'm very of the mindset that you could invite someone.
And it's not a weird third wheel situation,
because Lindsey's friends with all my friends.
So it is three friends hanging out.
But there are also people that we know that, for some reason,
only have parties with couples.
And that weirds me out.
I hate those.
Those are so funny to me, because I live with a couple.
And there are times where they will have a couples party,
and I will be like, oh, I'll get out of here.
And they're like, no, you can stay.
And I'm like, no, no, it's totally fine.
But I'll hear about it from Phil.
He's like, I'm coming over to your house today.
I'm like, oh, cool, for what?
He goes, for the ugly sweater party.
And you're like, oh.
Couples only.
I had no idea.
That's weird to me.
You shouldn't have couples only parties.
No, do it.
It's totally fine.
Because honestly--
But why?
What's the appeal?
Everybody has a partner in games.
Does it distract you that there's
someone that could potentially hook up or something?
All that happens is I end up disliking 50% of a two.
And then I randomly find out they broke up six months ago,
I'm like good.
I never have to see them when I have
to go to that couple party.
But you're right.
That's a good point.
What's the point?
Of a couple's party?
I think it's so that pairing up for games are easier.
You don't want odd numbers.
That throws everything.
Can you imagine, we're doing a game.
And it's like, all right, everybody grab a partner.
And then I'm like--
Team Ross.
Team Ross.
And then Harvey is like, I guess we're still together.
Well, can I come to a couple's party if I am married,
but my wife can't come?
You don't want to come?
I'll be your couple.
I'll be your surrogate couple.
Yeah.
Be like, I'm married, but I'm bringing Ross.
You aren't together.
Well, he did suck me off once, so I think it counts.
So it means we're "together" in some sense.
That feels like a "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode.
It's like, Larry, it's a couples party.
He's like, yeah, I brought Jeff.
He's my understudy.
No.
You have to bring your couple.
Why?
I brought another person.
It's the same deal.
It's the same difference.
What is a couple?
A couple is what, two people?
That's what it is.
We're a couple of people, and we're here.
That's exactly what he'd say.
Yeah.
I'm going to write that episode.
You know what?
And then this will forever be the question we never got to.
Thank you for tuning in to Table Talk
where we talked about a bunch of stuff.
My name's Phillip DeFranco.
Was that a Bill Cosby reference?
We're going to talk about the stuff.
I'm Steve Zaragoza.
I'm Ross Everett.
I want to see what this was, because it might
be interesting to go out on it.
[GASP]
No, that's not that great.
Well, we could have kept it for the next one.
Bye.