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The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, a la Shmoop. My name is Huck, and have I got a story for
you.
It all started in the town of Saint Petersburg, Missouri.
I was living with the Widow Douglas and Miss Watson, who were trying their darnedest to
turn me into an upstanding Christian with good grooming habits.
Then, one day, my Pap reappeared. He wanted to use the six thousand dollars I acquired
in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer to buy an epic case of alcohol poisoning.
I, however, had the funds earmarked for a vacation to Disney World.
That didn't go over well, so Pap took me to Illinois.
He thought he could keep me locked up in his cabin in the woods, but I saw that movie when
it was in theaters, and there was no way I was going to wait around to be killed by a
zombie horde.
So, I faked my death and fled to Jackson's Island.
It was there that I met up with Miss Watson's runaway slave, Jim.
We thought we'd be able to chillax on the island for a while, but then I made a trip
back to shore to gather information while dressed as a girl...
...which I do not want to talk about...
...and it turned out there was a search party headed right for our hideout.
We decided to take a road...
...er, I mean river, trip. And what a trip it was. We encountered a trio
of murdering thieves on a riverboat wreck...
...and got separated from each other in a thick fog...
...and I was roped into appearing on an episode of “Family Feud” in Kentucky.
Then, we fell in with the Duke and the King, who were able to swindle every person they
met thanks to the strength of their combined star power. The Duke would put on his cowboy
hat...
...and the King would do this thing with his hips...
...and people would just throw money at them.
But then the Duke and the King sold Jim to a plantation. As much as I loved “Jailhouse
Rock”, I knew it was time to ditch the celebs...
...and help Jim get his freedom once and for all.
When I reached the plantation where Jim was being held, I pretended to be my pal Tom Sawyer,
because Tom was the plantation owner's nephew.
Then, Tom actually showed up, so he pretended to be my younger brother, Sid. Confusing,
right? Well, it gets worse. See, Tom had seen “The
Great Escape” one too many times, and he decided we needed a super-duper elaborate
plan for freeing Jim.
The upshot of this was that, while attempting to pull off a motorcycle jump over the Mississippi
a la Steve McQueen...
...Tom caught himself a bullet in the leg and Jim was recaptured.
You might be feeling worried at this point, but don't. Mark Twain fixed the situation
by having Tom's Aunt Polly arrive at the plantation. Our true identities were promptly revealed...
...and it turned out that Jim was no longer a slave, because Miss Watson freed him when
she kicked the bucket.
It also turned out that my Pap was dead, so I could continue planning my Florida vacation
in peace...
...although once Tom's plantation-owning aunt expressed an interest in adopting me, I decided
to visit Tokyo Disneyland instead.