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(sound of phone dialing and ringing)
Willey Troll: C’mon, pick up the phone, I got serious troll business ta be gettin ta.
(music - Girl from Ipamema playing on phone)
Keyswitch Voice: Thank you for calling WeEviL Corp customer care.
Keyswitch Voice: Please listen carefully as the options may have changed.
Keyswitch Voice: For assistance with your V-ctm card please dial 1 now.
Keyswitch Voice: To complain about video upload time dial 2 now
Keyswitch Voice: To request the personal information for another user account dial 3 now
Keyswitch Voice: for all other requests dial 0 and pack a lunch...
(sound of 3 being punched on phone)
(9:17 AM) (music - Girl from Ipamema playing on phone)
Willey Troll: c’mon c’mon... He coulda packed up and moved by now.
(12:23 PM) (sound of clock ticking) (Still playing Girl From Ipamema on hold)
(3:45 PM) (sound of clock still ticking) (Still playing Girl From Ipamema on hold)
Blythe: Department of Questionable Practices, this is Blythe, how can I help you today...?
Willey Troll: Yeah, ‘bout time y’all picked up the phone.
Willey Troll: I gotta get the personal information for this
Willey Troll: guy that’s pissin me off in comments. I posted on his video comments that he was a
Willey Troll: mongrel mixed race *** *** goat *** and he just couldn’t take a constructive
Willey Troll: criticism... started talkin all uppity at me bout Ad Emenems and stuff so Imma jest
Willey Troll: gonna have to teach that poor *** a lesson.
Blythe: I see sir... Let me help you fill out the proper forms.
Willey Troll: Hurry it the hell up then. I ain’t got all day. I need to get the personal information
Willey Troll: on some poor *** so I can go put a beat down on his uppity *** retard ***
Blythe: First I need you to go to the copyright page in the footer menu and click the little button
Blythe: there in the middle of the page for the online claim form.
Willey Troll: DMCA form, what the heck is that?
Blythe: The DMCA form allows you to file a copyright claim against another user.
Willey Troll: But I don’t need ta file no copyright claim, I just need to go give him a beat down
Blythe: Trust me sir, this is the form you want. I need you to click on the Copyright item in
Blythe: the footer of your web page there and then open the copyright claim webform from the
Blythe: button
Willey Troll: But it says right here that I could get in trouble fur making a false claim. I don’t
Willey Troll: want no trouble, I just wanna go teach him a lesson fur diserspectin me.
Blythe: I understand sir. I suggest you first make a new email account, get a Skype phone number
Blythe: set up or just put in a fake number. If you use a disposable email address and fake info
Blythe: we can’t say for sure who you are, and if you do it all from your local coffee shop
Blythe: we wouldn’t even be able to figure out who you are by your IP addy
Willey Troll: But down here at the bottom of the form it says that I could be charged with perjury
Willey Troll: for givin false information...
Blythe: Yes, sir... so I recommend that you not put in any real information if you’re going
Blythe: to lie on the form... that way, we won’t know who to charge with perjury. In fact if
Blythe: you fill the form in with completely bogus information, and only access your disposable
Blythe: email account from a public access point or anonymous proxy, the FBI could march in here
Blythe: with a federal court order and we would have no way to tell them who you were even if we
Blythe: wanted to. Nifty huh?
Willey Troll: That all seems a might dishonest ta me, but if you say so.
Blythe: Trust me on this sir, we don’t check any of this information, so you can put in whatever
Blythe: you like. In fact, if you already know the personal information of the person you want
Blythe: to teach a lesson, you can file a complaint using his own information so when he files
Blythe: a counter claim hilarity will ensue. That right there is good for at least an extra
Blythe: 5 lulz points.
Willey Troll: So, I just fill all of this in with whatever? What about down here were it says I have to
Willey Troll: sign it?
Blythe: Just type in any old thing there. So long as you used a phone number and address that
Blythe: can’t be traced back to you there really shouldn’t be a problem.
Willey Troll: K, so I filled it out an ever-thang, now what? When do I get to go put that little punk in
Willey Troll: the hurt locker?
Blythe: Well, first things first. By now our automated server software has found the video posted
Blythe: where he had the nerve to sass you in his comments. So the first thing we’ll do is
Blythe: take his video down. Then you wait for him to counter-file, and then we’ll send you
Blythe: all his personal information to your new email account. Then you can go give him the beat-down
Blythe: he so richly deserves. You might get a response anytime between now and a couple of weeks
Blythe: from now. If he doesn’t respond then his account gets a mark against it, and his sassy
Blythe: video stays down where it belongs.
Willey Troll: So, nothin ta do but wait now?
Blythe: That’s right sir. That was simple wasn’t it? Is there anything else I can help you
Blythe: with today?
Willey Troll: Yeah, I was noticin you had some cool t-shirts on sale in your swag shop... Can I get one
Willey Troll: of them Player Button shirts?
Blythe: Why certainly sir, just have your credit card ready and verify your identity with the CVC
Blythe: code on the back of the card.
Willey Troll: Can’t you just take my word fer it?
Blythe: (giggling) very funny sir.