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[Sam] Mind the Gaps.
Good thing.
Poor guy pricked his finger in the gap the other day.
[Mike] Don't remind me, Sam!
Judas Priest! You can really be such an ***!
[Sam] Don't call me an ***, you sonofabitch!
[Mary] No stopping 7 to 9 AM or 3 to 6 PM.
One hour parking 9 AM to 3 PM.
No parking any time.
No parking 7 AM to 10 PM.
No parking any time.
[Anna] In other words, no parking. Ever.
[Sam] Damn. I just parked here.
[SIREN]
[Female Whisper] Microsoft Sam, you're under arrest.
[Speakonia Male 2] Shh! Do not touch. Baby duck nesting.
[Speakonia Male 3] If you touch it, it would quack up.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Beulah] Oh my gosh! It's that Blue Screen of Death again!
[Abby] Unable to continue because the system won't accept your program.
Face it, you're a loser!
[Beulah] It can't be me.
[Abby] It can't be me either, so it must be Microsoft Sam!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Sam] That's not funny.
[Abby] Just kidding, Sam.
[Lernout & Hauspie Michael] Please do not disturb the Sleeping Porcupine.
[Lernout & Hauspie Michelle] Now they tell me.
I bumped against one yesterday and had to have 17 quills pulled out of my ***.
Eee-ouch!
[Sam] *** Ranch, 10 miles east.
Where nothing is right. Not even the cattle.
[Mike] Cows may come and cows may go,
but the BULL that comes from Sam goes on forever!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Sam] Shut up, you sonofabitch!
[Mike] Simmer down, Mike.
Sam's only kidding.
Stay
cool.
Uh-oh!
Tantrum
coming
on
now.
No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap!
Microsoft Sam, you have no right to insult my mother!
I'm not a sonofabitch
you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!
[BOOM!!]
[Anna] Caution. Mud.
Well, I'd better put on my boots if there's mud around.
[Sam] Especially the mud that's being slung by politicians.
Hahahahahahahahahahahah lol lol lol lol rofl rofl rofl rofl soi soi soi soi soi soi soi!
[Mike] I just stepped in that mud a few minutes ago.
Mud doesn't reek.
It wasn't there before Sam used the rest room.
[Mary] You mean that mud came from Sam?
Sickening! Gross! Eeeewwwwwwwwwww! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!
[Mary barfing]
[Mike] Sam, Sam, Sam, be more careful when nature calls!
[Speakonia Male 1] Hugh Jass Burgers.
[Speakonia Male 2] Home of the biggest burgers on the planet.
[Speakonia Male 3] Holy Schneikees! That's one Hugh Jass burger!
[Beulah] Limited Sight Distance.
How far must we go before our sight is normal?
[Abby] I don't know.
It's so foggy I can't see a thing!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[LH Michael] Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar Tasting.
I didn't know dogs had a taste for gourmet salad.
[LH Michelle] I put it out just this morning and now it's gone.
Microsoft Sam, did you just eat our dog food?
[Sam] That was dog food and not gourmet salad I ate?
Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww! Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!
[Sam barfing]
[Mary] Sandwich Police.
Patrolling the streets to make sure no one eats an illegal sandwich.
[Anna] Sandwich Police, where are you coming from?
Sandwich Police, nobody knows who you are.
[Mike] Out of the Closet Thrift Store.
This is where Sam buys his attire.
I always knew he was gay.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Sam] Take it easy, Sam.
You know he's lying.
Remain
calm.
Uh-oh!
Tantrum in five, four, three, two, one...
Goddammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit!
Microsoft Mike, I am not gay!
I never have been gay and I never will be gay
you sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch!!!
[BOOM!]
[ZOOM]
[CRASH!]
[ZOOM]
[CRASH!]
[RoboSoft 3] Ye Gads! Mary and Anna have been planted in the ground again!
[Mary] That's right.
I wish Sam would face the other way when he throws a tantrum.
I'm sick of getting topsoil in my ears. Yuck!
[RoboSoft 3] Where are the others?
[Anna] There's only one place to look, and that's 666 miles below us.
[ViD (B-Backwards N-D) Theme]
[RoboSoft 3] Holy Schneikees!
They've been thrown into Satan's Kingdom again!
[Devil] That's right.
[She-Devil] And we're never, ever letting Sam and his friends escape from here.
[Angel] Wanna bet?
[Voice of God] Every time Sam and his friends land here, you infernal goons have the gall to claim them as your property.
[Devil] If you steal them from us once more,
we will destroy the Earth and forbid you to stop us.
[She-Devil] And if you dare stop us from getting what we want,
we will *** all over them so profusely that nothing will ever get them clean again.
[Angel] Every time you do that, it makes them vomit.
[Voice of God] And we resort to taking you two to God's Country and cleaning the both of you up.
[Devil] That hurts us more than being deprived of our rightful property!
[She-Devil] How would you two like it if we started *** on you?
[THUNDER!]
[Angel] Impermissible!
[Voice of God] The ultimate outrage!
Take that, infernal goons!
[GIGANTIC EXPLOSION!!]
[Devil] Oh noes! Not God's Country again!
We curse everything and everybody in the known universe!
[Angel] It won't do you any good, Devil.
Here, all cursing is, was, and always will be in vain!
[She-Devil] Let the curse work or we *** on the both of you!
[THUNDER!]
[Angel] That action is forbidden here!
[Voice of God] Prepare to be cleaned up again!
[Devil] Eee-yow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w!
[She-Devil] Eee-yow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w!
[Sam] World's largest hell factory.
Wanna bet?
[Mike] After what we just went through, this is only mild.
[Sam] You said it, Mike, old buddy.
Just like us, once you visit here, you can say you've been to hell and back.
Hahahahahahahahahahah lol lol lol lol lol soi soi soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl!
[Anna] Liquor, worms, movies.
[Mary] Liquor worms? Gross!
Eeeeewwwwwwwwww! Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!
[Mary barfing]
[Sam] Stairs Closed.
Judas Priest!
Isn't there a better way to climb up?
[Speakonia Male 1] Here's one, Sam.
[Speakonia Male 2] Whoever built this ladder must be a dumb-***.
[Speakonia Male 3] I'll say.
Who could ever get a wheelchair up this ladder?
[Sam] Watch me.
[Beulah] Gadzooks!
Sam's really getting that wheelchair up that ladder?
[Abby] How's the weather up there, Sam?
[Mike] Great Zot!
Watch out, Sam! You're likely to---
[Sam falling]
[CRASH!!]
[Mike] ---fall.
[Sam] Ouch!
My spine!
My ribs!
My pelvis!
My skull!
My left ventricle!
Owww!
[LH Michael] Goodenough Street.
Is it Goodenough for you, Michelle?
[LH Michelle] If it's Goodenough for you, Michael, it's Goodenough for me.
[Mike] Hakuna Matata.
I didn't know the Lion King had a highway.
[Sam] If Simba is still out there, I wish him a happy Hakuna Matata!
[BUZZER]
[Sam] Did you just razz me?
[Anna] We didn't razz you, Sam.
That buzzer you just heard means our time is up.
[Mary] Your RoflCopter is ready, Sam.
[Sam] All aboard! We're going home.
soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi
soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi
[RoboSoft 3] Funny Signs is brought to you by Pissed-off Pete's.
The place to go when you're as mad as hell and can't take any more.
This has been a davemadson films inc. production.