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[RICKY THE FIFTH:] I just want to thank all of you for having me along tonight. I mean, I know Halloween is a very, you know, special time
Stop making it weird.
Can we just go to the pub? There's a pub down the road. If you stay really still, you can actually hear all the pub fun they're having.
Max and I don't drink though, do we? Hmmm?
I do drink. I just don't like the taste of beer.
Three cherry alcopops and he is a wildcat.
Yeah, You should see me dance. Ewewewewew, ooooooooo.
Soooooo, we're not going to the pub?
I'm afraid not.
Very well. [American accent] Let's get this party started up in hurrrrr!
So what are we playing? Munchkin ***? Age of Conan? Age of Conan!!!!
Actually... I know this is a bit rude, you know, first night here and all.
But I have brought this with me. It's not even out on the market yet. My cousin is a distributor and he got it for me.
I would like you all to behold... The Pain of Traymordion. [Thunder rolls]
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
Oh, sorry. It's just the errrrrr.... [clicks switch]...The developers like their razz-ma-tazz.
It's a simple concept. Dice rolls, moving pieces, no character sheets though.
Booooo.
But the box does say... "EXTREME PERIL"
Raaaay!
Roll for firsts? [Dice roll] Three.
[Dice roll] One.
[Dice roll] Five.
[Dice roll] Two.
[Dice roll] Six. Get in!
Doing the dance, doing the Harmony dance. You can't touch this dance. It's too hot for you!
Low rolls win, so-
Outrageous.
This game is fantastic.
[Ominous voice] The game begins... The first dice has been cast.
That is awesome.
[Ominous voice] Damn right it's awesome.
Is this some kind of voice recognition software?
[Ominous voice] Oh no, this is much worse... so much worse.
This must be the extreme peril.
[Ominous voice] Periiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllll! [echoes]
Yes. We're all feeling very perilised.
[Ominous voice] Is that even a word?
Maybe.
[Ominous voice] Are you mocking me?
Maybe.
[Ominous voice] You would do well not to mock me, mortal! I am the... are you tweeting right now?
Hash tag "perilised"
[Ominous voice] You know, you're kind of a ***.
Your mum's kind of a ***. Ha! Your...Mum...is kind of.... Hhrrrrgh! [Head thud]
[Ominous voice] Once the game begins, the game must be played. Only one will survive this night... oh yes, there can...
..can be only one.
[Ominous voice] Four players enter...
...One player leaves.
[Ominous voice] The world don't move.....
...To the beat of just one drum?
[Ominous voice] Ah! Screw you guys.
We'd better do as it says.
Or we could ignore it and call the police?
No, the game must be played. It is the only way!
This is crazy! Cousin Linus said nothing about there being an evil demonic spirit inside this game.
You know, you think it would be some kind of warning on the box like: "Hazardous Demon Contained Within!" or something. It would be helpful!
Cousin Linus? What mad, dead eyes, insane grin, fondness for overly long maniacal laughter?
Oh, you've met him?
Guys, this isn't just ANY evil boardgame. This is an Eastern European evil boardgame.
At least four times more evil than a Western European evil boardgame!
We'll play as a team. Okay? We'll help each other through this.
[Dice roll] 1-2-3-4 "You enter the dungeon of Grikk the Executioner. Pick up a dark card."
***. [Death Creak noise]
3-4-5 "Collect one transmogrification element." Sweet.
[Thunder] Uh, Max?
Yeah?
Egg Whisk?
Ah, that's just brilliant. That's great
[Dice roll] Six. I'm on a roll. 4-5-6 "Heroic charge, roll again."
[Dice roll] Um... six. Two sixes. Six. Six. I'm sure that's... fine.
"Horse GET. Roll again." [Dice roll] Huh Two.
Thank God for that, I thought something really bad was going to happen for a minute-
What?
Guys, I feel weird. [cough]
Wilbur!
Ah. Ooo. I can do this. Hah! I can do this?
Roll the dice, man, roll the dice. [Dice roll] Three.
1-2-3. You collect one cupcake card. Ha ha! Mmmmn mmmnnn!
Oh, it's on, Ricky the Fifth.
Uuuhhh. [cough]
I cast the Laminated Chaffinch of Redemption
The Spaniels of Truth
The Tractor of Ummph
The Unsightly Stain
The Lollipop Sign of Misfortune
The Ferrets of Microwave Cooking
The Reindeer of Inversion
The Bunions of Unintelligability
[whispers] The Cupcake of Bliss
But all I've got is a brocolli........Wuuuurghh. [Death creak]
I won. I won! Ha... hahaha! But at what cost? At what... cost?
I thought they were all gonna, like, totally leap up and get me or some -Aaaaaaargh!
[snoring]
[snort]
Get off.
What the balls...?
Did we, did I, did I drink... all my beer?
Guys....
Oh, Sugary cocktails, you are the Destroyer of Man.
I don't drink though
Guys...
I feel ashamed and tingly. Something good definitely happened.
Nude photos of Katee Sackhoff!
WHERE???
What the Hell is that?
Eugghh!
[Ominous creak]
[Theme music]