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Stand by, studio.
How's that mic? OK?
If you'd just clear the group corner
beyond row 3, OK?
We are recording.
And cue her!
We start with a question
for all women in their mid-40s.
How would you like to look like this?
In your dreams? Not necessarily.
If you drool over this type of beauty,
it's available at a price.
What you see is the result
of ten years of cosmetic enhancement,
to redefine myself physically until I feel
good about myself as a woman.
And if you're a sucker for the gory details,
this is the book to buy.
"Finding My Form" by our guest tonight,
chronicles a bloodcurdling history
of face-lifts, tucks, bobs,
dermo-brasions and liposuctions
that transformed this diffident 35-year-old
into a self-confessed plastic beauty
in control of her life, loves and career.
Zola, what do you say to those of us
who can't see anything wrong
with the way you looked before?
For 30 years of my life,
I knew what it was to be invisible.
My first boyfriend, when I was 19,
got me pregnant and walked away,
leaving me emotionally shattered
and with a daughter.
It taught me that to achieve any presence
in this world, looks are everything.
So, you saved up to go to a plastic surgeon,
Dr David Churchin
with whom you struck up
a rather bizarre relationship.
You describe him as a "a sad obsessive,
"who viewed me much as a sculptor views
the shapeless clay he will use
- "to fashion something of exquisite beauty.
- It was like a fixation.
We'd be having a romantic supper
and he'd offer to drain off fat from my thighs.
Slowly, over the years, he rebuilt me
into the fantasy figure he craved.
Until finally you left him
for a Swedish swimming instructor.
L imagine he felt bitter about that.
Well, you'd have to ask him that.
Well, why don't we? He's kindly agreed
to join us here this evening.
Your surgeon and former lover -
Dr David Churchin!
Good evening, Dr Churchin.
What is this?
Having ploughed through this so-called
record of our relationship,
I was surprised to find it called biography.
Fantasy fiction is nearer the mark.
Here come the cheap cracks!
The operations were at her insistence.
She's the one who was obsessed with this
insane programme of total reconstitution.
What was I going to do?
For my sins, I loved her!
You loved the woman you were creating!
L didn't recognise who you were becoming!
This is a sick mind! My lawyers will
make sure it never reaches the shelves!
My client doesn't need thisl
I'll throw seven kinds of writ on all of you!
For defamation, misrepresentation, I'll
We've been joined
by Miss Zbzewski's manager, Sam Brickman.
L said, CUT!
Get this scalpel-happy quack out of here
or this interview is over!
As I made you, I'll destroy you,
at any cost and that's a promise!
- That God-awful man!
- What happened?
- What happened?
- Didn't I say he'd try to ruin me?!
Since when was he in the interview?
The interview was fine.
We re-ran it and your mother was fine.
It'll go out tonight and nobody will know.
Sally? Sam Brickman.
- Is he there?
- L'll be in the pool.
No, I'll hold.
Look who is he? He is nobody.
Oh, I know, petal.
He's just a twisted, jealous nobody.
Like one half of the human race,
but we don't let them get to us, remember?
Hi, Adam Klaus's dressing room, please.
L just wondered how rehearsals went
with the elephant levitation.
You're kidding me? Where is it now?
Now? Under the stage and singingl
It's jammed under the trap
and they can't shift it!
They were meant to check
the hydraulics before the dry run!
It's not very dry here at the moment,
by all accounts.
We have a five-ton elephant with irritable
bowel syndrome stuck inside a metal cage
with an audience coming in at 7.
It'll take more than a can
of air freshener, believe me!
TIE A KNOT IN ITS TRUNK!
Brilliant How's Adam taking it?
Walked through here
a second ago laughing his head off.
That'll be drugs.
L'm sure they're working on it.
it'll be sorted by the time I get there.
OK, then, Ted.
- Has Rudi gone?
- Hmm? Thursday is his Tai Chi.
Sam said he'd drop by later.
Go through the itinerary for next week.
What time does that show go out?
Woe betide them if they use
so much as one second of that
What is it?
He's out there again.
That weirdo with the video camera.
They've had five reports in a fortnight!
L think I scared him away,
but be careful, please.
Someone could climb up that scaffolding.
Funny, I never thought he'd have the guts
to destroy everything I've worked for.
Things will sort themselves.
They always do.
Have a good time.
How are things on the pachyderm front?
Or shouldn't I ask?
Manage to get her out in one piece?
No trumpeting now, anyway.
Must be a good sign.
Good evening, Mr Creek.
L can't believe it.
How can she be dead?
Are you sure it wasn't
the tranquilliser dart? Maybe she's dozing.
L don't think so, Mr Creek.
L think it was a coronary.
She was 57.
It could have happened at any time.
A coronary! We hired an elephant
with a heart condition?
L was in there feeding her iced buns!
L won't lie to you, Mr Creek,
she was overweight.
Know her biggest problem?
She never got enough exercise.
L was always telling her.
But, you know,
she loved the business so much.
L think it's the way she'd have wanted to go.
Trapped under a stage,
knee deep in elephant dung
Bringing a little magic into our lives,
It would have made her very proud.
If you're a sucker for the gory details,
this is the book to buy.
"Finding My Form" by our guest,
chronicles a bloodcurdling history
of face-lifts, tucks, bobs,
dermo-brasions and liposuctions
to a self-confessed plastic
Let's say I'm making up
for years of celibacy.
Hello? Barry! How are you do?
Hang on a sec, let me kill this.
Leaving me with a daughter.
It taught me that to achieve any presence
in this world, looks are everything.
So, what did you think?
Obviously we need more material, but
Oh, great! Great.
Tell me about it tomorrow.
Are we still on for lunch at Peschey's?
OK, Baz, see you there.
Love to Jason.
Then, to enhance my mouth, he sucked out
a little fat from my behind -
believe me, there was plenty -
and implanted it in my upper lip.
My new ***, he always teased me,
he modelled on the London Planetariuml
Our season continues
next week with "Espresso Bongo".
L don't think any publisher alive,
which I am barely, could say otherwise.
The crimes are colourful, consuming,
with a great crusading curve to the writing.
Plus, I adore this magic character
you've roped in.
For consultative purposes only.
L've got this theory that Jonathan Creek
is himself an illusion.
Just when you think you've found him,
he drifts away like smoke.
It's no good, Barry, I've got to have
L'll be two seconds.
Oh, she was.
She's just popped to buy
Give me that again.
No, I will the minute she gets back.
Three months I've been looking
for that exact wardrobe!
Have you heard of a woman
named Zola Zbzewski?
Have I? L nearly threw up watching her have
bits of her bottom sewn into her mouth!
- What about her?
- SOS from her daughter.
She's been arrested for ***.
By some miracle,
we've got bail till next Friday.
The rest of it is like a nightmare.
You're good at this, right?
Finding another side to it?
Why pretend I had no motive to kill him?
If he lived, he'd have sabotaged my book,
wrecked my plans for cosmetic surgery.
More than anyone else alive,
I wanted him gone.
L wouldn't dwell on that aspect
in the witness box.
Juries are funny things.
You've got a bit of tissue
on your bottom lip top lip, sorry!
L don't know why I called it that.
Um we're looking at two problems here,
Churchin was killed at 10.
That's when a neighbour heard a shot.
For which time, you have no alibi.
L was here in this house on my own.
L worked through till quite late,
then got ready for bed.
the interview I'd recorded was going out,
so I watched that,
had a bath and went to sleep.
Problem number two:
The police found one of your earrings
on Churchin's doorstep.
They found someone's earring.
L've never owned one like that.
L've never seen Zola wearing that earring.
- Bless him, and he'd know.
- L like to lick around them.
What's rather tricky is there were skin cells
containing your DNA on the pin,
which suggests it had been through your ear.
L have no explanation for that.
She's innocent, for God's sake! You believe that?
This is like something
seriously weird is going on!
L'm supposed to be
meeting someone in town!
Leave this with me.
L'll put my thinking cap on.
Tell me there's a way out of all this, somehow.
It's probably a mad idea, but
Churchin performed how many operations
on your mother over the years?
He'd have all manner of skin tissue
and cell samples filed away at his clinic.
Just maybe someone who was very clever
could use that to their advantage
to set her up for ***.
L'll be in touch.
Which is one advantage of
- What are you doing here?
- We're next door with the show.
Of course you are! Of course.
How's it going?
Oh, we've had a few hiccups this week.
One or two.
L saw the News.
Anyway, I was
- I'm Shelford.
- Sorry, this
- Pleased to meet you.
- Jonathan Creek.
Madeleine's a little shy because Shall I
tell him? The two of us are on a blind date.
Get out of here!
L placed an advertisement
in one of those contact columns.
Madeleine replied and here we are,
testing the water as t'were,
to see if we want to get into bed together.
Not literally, I hasten to add.
That's just a term we use
in corporate management.
Though, speaking for myself, I must say,
one of Cupid's arrows has found its mark!
So anyway I expect
I'll be seeing you around.
- Unless you fancy a bite to eat?
- Not really.
Oh, I say, great idea!
L think I'm going to risk
the home-made vegetable lasagne.
Sounds good to me, Jonathan.
L'm on for that!
First of all, I need to pay a visit
to the little boys' room.
You are really enjoying this,
aren't you, watching me squirm?
To a large extent.
- Where is it, then?
The ten-year-old photo he sent you,
before he ballooned up and started moulting.
You've really got a nerve!
Do you think I'm so shallow
that I'd only meet someone
if I had proof they were young and good
looking?! L find that amazingly offensive!
Can I see it?
This may be unique - a rare example
of the passport syndrome in reverse.
Oh, um two lasagnes, please.
L don't know what I want.
L'm not even hungry.
Drop of chilli with some rice.
And a spot of salad and some garlic bread.
A jacket potato.
Oh, and some crisps.
Anyway, what's the SP on Zola Zbzewski?
Think she did it?
Oh, what is this now?
Not mind reading, I can't cope with it!
The case is in the papers, her book's
in your bag.
L wasn't trying to be clever.
It's early days, but it doesn't look good.
Police found an earring outside the victim's door
on which they found traces
of Zola's skin cell tissue.
She swears it's not one of hers.
Could be doctored it with genetic material
Yes, I had managed
to work that out for myself!
Any obvious candidates?
Daughter seems devoted,
boyfriend's like Judas Iscariot
with highlights, on another planet.
Haven't seen her manager, Mr Brickman.
He'd like to get Churchin, but he'd hardly
want to frame his own client.
- Yes, but I'll get there,
so don't go worrying yourself!
- It's not my fault, all this.
This plan to make me jealous
by turning up with some stunning hunk
that has all gone wrong,
thanks to the *** son of Forrest Gump here.
You must've known it was a risk.
That is the most arrogant,
That was unfortunate.
L misjudged the water pressure on those taps.
It went everywhere.
Fortunately, it's not urine, so it won't stain.
L'm just having a new front put on.
Old habits die hard.
Sam and I were just talking.
- Have you had breakfast?
- Not yet.
Is it possible?
Somebody could have broken into his clinic
to get this cell tissue of Zola's.
Somehow applied it to the pin on the earring.
It's a bit lumpy, I'll admit, but
Who'd go to all that trouble?
Someone who wants you put away for ***.
One or two of the more militant feminists
have been in touch in the past few weeks.
They weren't very nice people.
But why not go straight for Zola?
Why kill Churchin? L don't see the logic.
L have to be elsewhere.
Keep me posted on any developments, OK?
Don't lose hope.
We'll get there.
Is Victoria around this morning?
There's a couple of things I wanted to ask her.
L'm not sure that she's up yet.
Let me just check.
Nothing shocks you, does it?
My daughter and I have a policy
of share and share alike.
It's no different to lending her my car.
How do you know? There could be a motive
for your Swedish shwim Swedish shwim
Couldn't you have picked a Danish one?
It's easier to say.
Rudi's talents extend to fornication
and the back stroke.
It's inconceivable to me that he'd
- What? What is it?
- That pervert!
He's been round here making home movies
The police have never got him!
Careful, there may be prints!
L said he was out there,
before I left for the party.
This is Thursday, look.
The date on your desk - the 6th.
Well, he certainly got
his money's worth, didn't he?
That's when I realised the show had started.
Can you believe some sad specimen
goes out taking this?
He wants his whammer shutting in a door!
I'd give him a medal.
Forget the floor show.
Look at the TV.
The programmes that were on each channel.
Don't you see what this is?
This is proof that you were at home
on Thursday night.
Zola this is your alibi.
We'll be in touch as soon as we hear anything.
That'll give them something to think about.
And for when it accidentally gets raffled off,
we've got copies as back-up.
L think that covers it.
Don't go without yours.
Thank you for everything.
It's all part of the service.
It still doesn't tell us who killed David
and tried to put Mum inside.
But it's a start.
Oh, sorry! Sorry.
L'm looking at the wrong
What am I like?!
L wanted Creative Hairstyling.
You're probably doing something important.
Killing an elephant, or something.
Yes, thank you I'm getting
enough grief from Adam, don't you start!
She was old.
It wasn't my fault.
What was I to do? Ask to see her bus pass?
Check whether she puts her tusks
in a glass at night?
How are you doing with the human Barbie doll?
L've had some thoughts.
Want to meet? Toss a few ideas
You're talking about Zola Zbzewski?
It's all tied up, actually.
With a big ribbon.
Yeah, I've managed
to establish a watertight alibi,
which we're expecting
to lead to a retraction of charges,
but thanks, anyway, I know you meant well.
Got to dash.
L'm not in.
L'm not in!
- Wardrobe for Magellan.
Oh, great! L'll be right down.
L'll just give it the quick once over
before we start.
Brilliant, I love it!
Just sign there, please, love.
L'm afraid I live on the top floor and it
won't fit in the lift, which is unfortunate.
Unfortunate is the right word.
Um can you hang on for us a sec, darling?
YOU ***! You complete ***!
L can't believe you did that!
Is this a coincidence?
One of our biggest clients is round the corner.
Can I be of any help at all?
Oh, thank you very much!
In here will be lovely.
Yeah, um try not to scratch it
if you can help it.
Yeah, I think probably, uh-huh.
Just against this wall for now.
What can I say?
You're a trooper.
L've got an appointment at 12.
You'd better look lively, then.
So, you'll give me a ring maybe?
Thanks ever so much.
L don't care if he is arranging
an elephant's funeral,
just find him and tell him
to get his *** round here NOW!
So, let's run through this from the top.
The wardrobe was empty.
You closed the door.
You brought it upstairs, through this door
and along here.
and into this room.
Against that wall.
By which time, somehow or other,
the cupboard has acquired a body,
brutally battered to death
across the back of her head.
- It's a good one, isn't it?
- A good one
Is that all you can say?
Somewhere between here and the ground,
someone has planted a corpse in there
and I didn't even see!
The cops think I'm mental.
It's seriously impossible!
What floor is this?
Fourth, and there are eight flights of stairs.
Anyone else come near you
at any point on the way?
Mrs Barnstable, the next floor down,
brought out some lemonade, but otherwise
Mrs Barnstable the celebrated lemonade doper,
with her trick of switching cabinets
under the victim's nose.
Zola Zbzewski is dead!
First someone tries to frame her for ***,
and when that fails, they use a blunt
instrument and dump the body here,
presumably to try and rattle me!
If the best you can do is make glib remarks,
you can go home now!
All seems pukka.
No panels, no breakaways, no phantom joints.
Just a wardrobe, really.
- Want to know how it was done?
That makes two of us.
NO, SHE CAN'T BE!
Was this window open? Can you remember?
Yea I don't know, sorry.
So you think it happened
on the third floor landing.
They pushed Zola in through the back
of the cupboard while it was by the window.
a sheer wall with a body over their shoulder?
- So, what? It's impossible?
- It can't be, because you saw it.
L can see you, you're still impossible!
It's two things.
Firstly, it's the head
off one of Mrs Barnstable's geraniums
which I found lying on the ground out the back.
And, more importantly, it's a point on the graph.
Oh, I dunno.
That overflow pipe below the kitchen window
has very recently been scratched and bent.
A few more co-ordinates, we'll start
to join them and see where this is
L get nervous.
L have to eat.
It's a good combo.
Have you never put them
together as ice cream flavours?
Did anything else out of the ordinary
Any strange sounds, visitors, phone calls?
with rope ladders and large sacks?
Phone! There was a message, or rather,
there wasn't, on my machine.
But no one spoke.
L suppose someone got a wrong number.
- Have you had any incoming calls since?
- No, not incoming.
The caller's number should still be logged.
If we dial 1471
No number recorded.
- Could be blocked.
More likely a mobile.
- Is this remotely relevant?
A- A-And they're absolutely sure that?
L appreciate it.
They found iron piping
outside Zola's house with her blood on it.
They've also matched the pipe to some
iron filings found in her head wound.
So, either someone went back there
to dump the *** weapon
Or she was killed at home
and then brought five miles across town here
to my flat!
It's called respect for the dead.
How many more times?
Do you know,
this could be another point on our graph.
Do you know the difference
between a tracking shot and a pan?
That fence in her garden
that this was filmed over, how high was it?
Around six foot.
That tells us how tall our snooper was.
Over six feet, I suppose he'd have to be,
to get these pictures and then drop
the camera over the side.
What's this to do with a body in a wardrobe?
You think he was over six feet, do you?
What's that supposed to mean?
Sometimes it's useful
to look beyond the obvious.
What rubbish are you talking now?
You could have a point.
- Where are you off to?
- To investigate the clue of the geranium.
It's the bad penny!
Actually, it's my day off, so um
I don't know how you're fixed.
Oh, I bought you some underwear.
L think you'd better come in for a sec.
Look, it's not that I don't find you attractive
- Oh, good.
- No, that's not true.
It is that I don't find you attractive.
It's no reflection on you as a person.
You're very warm and kind and generous.
But I don't want to spend another
second of my life in your company.
Do you understand?
It could never work, not even as science fiction.
You and me are a total no-no.
Still, it's early days, isn't it?
And from little acorns, mighty oaks do grow.
And the other thing is,
I'm already sleeping with Jonathan.
Where have you been?!
Love rocket, come here
and give me your tongue!
L'll um see myself out.
What in hell do you smell of?!
rotting chop suey.
L had to do that.
It was the only way to get through to him.
Well, it seemed to work.
Oh, God I need a bath.
What were you rummaging around
down there for?
At least we now know
who murdered David Churchin.
And it goes a long way
to explaining the miracle on the stairs.
Is there anything at all I can?
I hope you don't mind.
My friend, Jonathan, has been helping me
with this story.
It's down to him that we've got to the truth.
You mean, you know?
Victoria, I don't think
we should be talking to reporters.
L brought her in to help Mum, which she did,
so we can listen to what she has to say, OK?
What are they?
which between them tell the whole story.
Before that, Mr Brickman,
what is the number on your mobile phone?
What's that got to do with anything?
It's a simple enough question.
- What is this?
Why did you ring my flat
without leaving a message?
L never did! Why would I ring your flat?
So, how come when we called 1471,
it was your number we wrote down?
You rang me at 11.
45, the same moment
the wardrobe arrived,
because you wanted to make sure
there was no one at home.
killed my mother.
- YOU KILLED HER!
- L LOVED HER!
L LOVED HER!
L loved her.
Like every other man who ever met her!
God save us all!
You loved her, and that's why you filmed her,
isn't it, Mr Brickman?
On this tape.
This isn't real!
We talked about the fence being six feet high.
You saw a tall man looking over the top.
L saw a short man standing on a box.
It's all to do with the movement
of the camera.
A tall man on the ground would have walked
along the fence
to follow her from room to room.
A man standing on a box swivels the camera
to keep her in frame.
A subtle distinction fairly meaningless in itself.
Until we come to this.
# Summer holiday, no more worries for #
It taught me that to achieve
any presence in this world
That's the same thing we just saw
on the TV Zola was watching.
Not hard, was it, to whack it together.
"Porridge" and "Summer Holiday"
are available at the local video shop,
and the "Newsnight" titles you just taped
the following night.
Of course, Zola's interview
you'd recorded off air, anyway.
In other words,
everything we just saw was a fake.
She knew you were filming her
because that's exactly what you'd arranged.
When she pointed the remote at the set,
she wasn't watching live television at all.
She was switching on the video
to play this tape.
- When you filmed her it wasn't Thursday.
It was Friday.
She wasn't here on Thursday night.
- It's lies!
- That's when she went to *** Churchin!
She rang me soon afterwards,
when she realised about the earring.
She had no alibi.
She started to panic.
L had the idea of the Peeping Tom.
If we could make it look as if someone had
caught her on camera that night
it might see her in the clear.
So I was brought here as an impartial witness
to be present when the tape
was "accidentally" found in the garden.
And, for a few hours, that put the lid on it.
Till we realised you'd got the wrong tape.
L think to leave your specially edited
tape lying around was careless.
So Victoria could give it to me by mistake
to take home.
We knew you'd realise when you saw it.
So we had to get it back fast.
Next morning, I picked her up.
We drove to your place.
We rang to make sure there was no one there.
Yes, we got the machine.
So we assumed it was safe.
Zola went round the back to look for a way in.
She told me to sit tight in the car and wait.
That was it.
God knows how long I sat there.
Then I heard sirens.
So I knew something was wrong,
but I didn't know what.
In the end
I panicked and drove away.
But I think we can make an educated guess
at what happened.
it doesn't take Zola long to find the VHS,
which she switches for the one
you were meant to have.
But then, just as she's about to leave,
it all goes wrong.
Instinctively, she hides in the spare bedroom
and gets rid of the evidence.
On its way to the dustbin, it decapitates
a geranium from the floor below.
She probably thinks she's in
the room you're least likely to go into.
But by a cruel twist of fate,
it's the one you do go into.
She gets behind the door.
What will she do?
She's cornered and frightened.
But something else is happening, too.
When they found her body
with the dent in the back of her head,
it was natural to assume
she was bludgeoned to death.
None of us considered the real explanation.
When I first arrived to pick her up
she was coming out of the house.
It knocked her for six.
L sat her down, asked her if she wanted
a doctor, an ambulance.
But after ten minutes,
she just seemed to snap out of it.
Said she was fine.
We weren't to lose any time
getting this tape back.
Of course, she wasn't fine.
The concussion was already fatal.
A burst blood vessel in the brain which
didn't kick in until she was in the flat.
She was feeling groggy.
She was about to be found out.
What were her options?
There was an outside chance that wardrobe
would not be immediately opened.
She could lie low and slip out later
when no one was about.
Seconds after she's inside,
she suffers a fatal haemorrhage.
So, when Maddy opened the doors
she found a dead body.
L suppose some people might call that justice
Hang on a minute.
That 1471 number doesn't store mobiles!
- You couldn't have got my number that way.
- L didn't.
L wrote it down when she read it out.
Little bit of graphite under the thumbnail.
It's as old as the hills.
Sorry about that.
L shouldn't have gone.
L'm not good
at funerals at the best of times.
It was so upsetting.
My God, I couldn't believe it when they
dropped the coffin outside the church.
- L know.
- When it broke open and her trunk fell out!
It's just so undignified!
L thought they'd never get that crane repaired!
You know Adam.
Never does things by halves.
We could have done without
the ten elephants trumpeting the Last Post.
It sounded more like a traffic jam!
L'm not a violent lady, Miss Magellan,
but I'm also not so pig ignorant not to see
how you're trying to steal my husband!
Now I'm giving you fair warning.
Keep your claws off him
and your nose out of our marriage,
or next time, you won't have a nose left.
You know, it's funny, but the humour of this
completely escapes me.
Actually, I had noticed a pale line
round his finger as if he normally wore a
L'll go stick my head down a toilet, shall I?
Make sure you flush it.