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Ahhh... Pooping at home is the best!
Where was I? Oh, that's right... Pooping!
Pooping at home is the best, but you can't always poop at home. So being prepared means
being ready to launch a corn canoe any where and any place, and that includes the office.
With that in mind, here are some information nuggets to help you mitigate embarrassing
situations and poop with pride.
The Secret Santa. The Secret Santa is one who inadvertently leaves "gifts" for subsequent
poopers. Popular gifts include floaters, streaks, pubes, and gastrointestinal exhaust. Consider
choosing an alternative stall if you are the unfortunate receipient of one or many of these
gifts. Act decisively however, so that you are not caught suspiciously maneuvering from
one toilet stall to another.
Handicrapper. Handicrappers habitually poop in the handicapped stall as it's larger size
helps to eliminate the anxiety caused from pooping outside one's natural habitat. Handicrapping
is a common technique of the IBS'r.
The IBS'r is a coworker with irritable bowel syndrom or frequent bowel movements. Often
times the IBS'r spends as much time on the toilet and conducting bathroom recon as they
do actually working. If you are an IBS'r, consider buying several different pairs of
non-descript shoes so that you are not fingered...
Fingered as being an excessive pooper by one of your coworkers. Canary. A canary is someone
who salaciously gossips about work place poop happenings amongst their peers. The canary
is eager to expose the secret identity of poopers with often exaggerated stories of
boom-boom farts and poop frequency. It's best to conduct a comprehensive fly by of the area
before taking any cat 5 dumps to avoid a potentially career killing encounter with a canary.
When taking a category 5 dump, do not relax your *** in dead silence if there are other
occupants in the restroom. Instead try to push out *** and turds under the cover of
another toilet flush or when someone is washing their hands. Dropping a deuce during the 3
second span of a toilet flush is known as the "Window of Dropportunity".
The Phoney. The phoney is a person who uses their phone on the toilet instead of actually
pooping. If you find that a phoney has forgotten their phone in the stall, do not touch it,
not matter how tempting as it's likely highly contaminated with poo. Other things not to
touch while in the bathroom include everything.
The Full House. In the game of porcelin thrones, a Full House is a losing hand. This is when
there are no vacancies and every toilet in the bathroom is in the process of being filled.
Do not start a line for the poopers to finish, as doing so is the same as announcing your
poop status to non-poopers. Instead, pretend like you just entered because you wanted to
wash your hands. Then quickly locate a free toilet in a nearby bathroom. In the event
that you are struggling to keep the poo from turtle heading, squeeze your cheeks together
and think of kittens. Soft, playful kittens.
Too many footlongs. Please excuse me. Kittens, Kittens, Kittens.
