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- Yes.
[crash!]
Whoo!
Mmm!
Ahh, oh...
Well hello, boys and girls.
Merry Christmas.
Today I'll be telling you a beautiful Christmas story.
And I know what you're thinking.
"Hilda, aren't you a Jew?"
Yes.
But all the Jewish holiday stores are bloody and full of ***.
So sit back, relax,
and grab a ***-shaped cookie and try not to choke
cause this story is gonna put you in a holly jolly mood.
Once upon a time, there was a faggoty looking ***
with a lesbian haircut and girl-shoulders
who was wrapping presents like an underpaid immigrant
at Martha Stewart's sweatshop.
- There were two little bunnies
And then...
Damn it, I always get stuck at that part.
- Hey Shane, what are you doing?
- Oh, just trying to tie this bow.
- Hey, let me try.
There were two little bunnies
And then they got ***
And started to [multiple bleeps]
Elbow deep in the [bleep]
And that's how you make a bow
- You need to go to a private school.
[cell phone rings]
Hey.
- Hey!
Thanks for babysitting my sister tonight.
How's my little angel doing?
- Umm...
- [laughs]
- Just being precious.
- I wish I was with you guys.
I think I'm gonna be stuck here at work for an hour.
I've wrapped like 300 presents tonight
and my fingers are so sore, they're stuck together.
I think I'm doing some sort of gang sign.
- Hey, yo, can you wrap this for me?
- Huh?
- Don't worry.
All right, everything here is all taken care of.
And tonight's gonna be the best Christmas ever.
I promise.
- Thanks Shane.
You are such a good friend.
- Yeah.
Friend.
- So call me if you need anything, okay?
- Will do.
All right, have fun tonight, little gangster.
- Fo' sho', ni..
uh..
I was gonna say..
nutcracker.
- Girl
you lucky we from the same gang.
Hooty-hoo!
- So, what do you wanna do, Amy?
Wanna make cookies
or, ooh, make a gingerbread house.
Curl up by the fire, watch movies, read Bible stories.
- Are you a ***?
- What?
- My daddy said I can only be around
pedophiles if they have the good candy. He said if all they had are
Mike and Ikes, I should kick them in the junk and run.
- Okay, no, I'm not a ***, okay?
And I don't even like Mike and Ikes.
Those were a gift.
[pounding on door]
That's weird.
Who would be at the back door?
Can I help you?
- [groaning]
[thud]
- Are you okay?
- Is that a dead hobo?
Why does this keep happening to me?
- Amy, call 911.
-No!
- What? Why?
- Shane.
- How do you know my name?
- You've been a good boy this year,
haven't you?
- What?
- You've been taking care of everyone in your life
but yourself.
- How do you know that?
- I know everything about you.
I see you when you're sleeping.
I know when you're awake.
- Eww, Santa watches me sleep
and knows if I've been naughty?
Check to see if he has Mike and Ikes.
- Oh, take this and shut up, little girl.
- Wow! Good candy!
I had you all wrong.
You can do whatever you want to me.
- Whoa, that girl needs to go to a private school.
- That's what I said.
- Well, I drugged her food.
- Exactly... wait, what?
[thud]
- Shane,
I need your help.
- Wait, how do you know my name?
Who are you?
"Dear Santa..."
"All I want for Christmas is for my mommy to find a new daddy.
Please help me.
PS, I really want a black Barbie, but Mom won't let me get one
cause she thinks it might make me wanna
put things in my butt like Daddy." Oh, my God.
I wrote this when I was 6.
You really have been watching me all this time, haven't you?
- Often when you're in the shower.
- What?
- Nothing.
Shane, I was robbed and stabbed tonight by a woman.
- Oh, my God, what did she look like?
- I don't remember.
I just know that she had multicolored hair
and she smelled like weed.
- All right,
let's see what that fat stupid *** brought me this year.
[gasps]
Dora!
- Are you ready to do the We Did It dance?
Let's do it!
- We did it, together
We did it together, we did it
We did it, we did it, yeah!
Fantastico!
[laughs]
Oh, Dora.
- Think I have a hunch.
- I need a favor, Shane.
- What do you need?
- I need you
to *** me.
- Say what?
- I need you to flip me over
and *** me.
*** Santa.
- Okay.
I'll do it.
I'm gonna *** Santa to save Christmas.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Gotcha!
You just got Santa'd, ***!
- Wait a minute.
This is all a prank, you're not really dying?
- No, I am really dying, you idiot.
I just like to prank.
- Oh.
- Yeah, last week I pranked an elf into sex with a reindeer.
Ho, ho, ho, that was funny.
- How is that funny?
- I suppose you had to be there.
- So what's your favor?
- I need you
to give me one final wish, Shane.
Something you want.
More than anything.
- Why me?
- Because
you are the last person I'll see
before I die.
I must grant your wish
if I am to make it to heaven.
- Ooh, this is big.
I'm gonna need to have some time to think about this.
- Well, the inside of my body is deteriorating
and my suit is filling with my own feces,
so I figure you've got 20 seconds tops.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- You got it, dude.
- Wow, his last words were a Full House reference.
[shudders]
- Hey.
- Hey, you're home.
- How's Amy?
- Umm...
she's sleeping.
- Wow, you got here to sleep before midnight without
tranquilizing her? You deserve a gold metal.
- (speaking low) Yeah, I don't know about that.
- How can I ever repay you, Mr. Dawson?
Merry Christmas, Shane.
- There's a dead fat hobo on the floor!
- What?
Not again.
- Look, look.
- There's no one here, honey.
- I swear, he was right there.
[sleigh bells ringing]
- What's that?
[ringing continues]
- It wasn't a hobo, it really was Santa.
- Sure it was Amy. Sure it was.
- Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!
- What is that?
- Better not put that up your butt.
- And that's the story of how Santa gave a gangly-looking ***
a girl who was way out of his league on Christmas.
I hope you all have your Christmas wishes come true.
Mine is to find a doctor who's willing to take a risk to give me that
*** transplant. I want the *** of a five-year-old toddler.
Oh, it's gonna be hot.
Oh.
Ooh, Merry Christmas.
[Captioned By: ClosedCaptionsTV]