Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Mestizo
Mestizo
Mixed, the new race
Wasn't told this by my parents or blood relatives
It was passed down as if by cupped palms
Imaginary written notas
Reactions as ejemplos
Of manners to follow, manners to show
That there was a layer of history our bodies still hiding in my clothes
For one summer I hid myself beneath baggy clothes in ninety degree weather
Trying to fight the melanin on mi piel that gathered color
With each ray my hands were shades darker than the rest of my body
And I liked it that way
father worked hard to hide me from our reality
He paid extra for the top level apartment
And one summer bought me an overpriced polo sweater
It was my prized possession, feeling people's judgment soften as I wore this
Symbol of America
Reality is I am ***, brown, latino, mexicano
Indigenous, chicano
Dirty words that were never taught to me
That I learned about me through reality
For one summer I hid beneath layers to try to conquer my curves, my thoughts in prayer
I tried to disappear with the weapon that has killed my people
Lubricating wounds and pain, alcohol softening blows
Sometimes fists
Sometimes lists of the ways that I am wrong
That my body is wrong
That my clothes are wrong, that my love is wrong. And I drank
Until my skin stopped collecting color and became a gray
A grey of death, of life being
Out of my body
And replaced by fear. Fear
Paranoia of being discovered as ***
Paranoia of having to face more while mis padres
Worked hard to shelter me
Mother soothed my anxiety, she waited for my clarity as I sobered up
Because I had found community, to guide me to tell me that there is nothing wrong with me
That my brown skin is beauty, my experiences of abandonment, missing a birth land, feeling like neither woman or man are what make me
Just like the history that was kept from me. Mestizo