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Woman: I'm suffering so much.
Byron Katie: Did you fill in a worksheet?
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: What's the situation?
Woman: It's my mother.
Byron Katie: OK. So, sweetheart, let's meet your mother. (Which is not gonna happen). We're going to meet her mother's daughter.
So, sweetheart, read what you've written. What is the situation with your mother?
Woman: I'm angry with Jane because she shamed me and questioned my judgment and basically told me I was wrong.
Byron Katie: OK, so, "Jane shamed you." What is the situation? Where are you in that moment: "She shamed you."
Woman: I'm at home. I'm on the phone with her.
Byron Katie: OK. So, "she shamed you." Is that true?
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: "She shamed you." Can you absolutely know that it's true; that "she shamed you"?
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: And how do you react, on that phone call, how do react; what happens when you think that thought?
Woman: I feel terrible. Awful. Helpless. Hopeless. Angry. Furious. Enraged.
Byron Katie: Now, on the phone with your mother, who would you be without this thought, "She shamed me," as you listen to her?
Woman: I can just be freed.
Byron Katie: Yeah. So, what was she saying?
Woman: Um. I had appendicitis a month ago and I had surgery and I was recovering and I told my mother that it turned out
that I'd had three previous episodes of this same pain, but I didn't know that it was appendicitis at the time.
And she said, basically, "It could have perforated! You could have died!"
Byron Katie: OK. So, say that to me.
Woman: "What were you thinking?"
Byron Katie: So, say that to me: "Mother, you know, I had this, as I look back, like, three times even before this."
And then your mother says. . .
Woman: "Well, you could have died."
Byron Katie: "You know, it's true."
"My gosh, you know. We think so alike."
"And I hear you say it could have perforated? You know, it could have. Aren't we lucky to be talking like this on the phone?"
"I feel so connected to you."
Woman: I told her; I said. . .
Byron Katie: "You know what I love about you? You never shame me."
Woman: You haven't met my mother.
She's a therapist, by the way. That's the. . . That is the coup; yeah. . . That's the crème; cream on the cake.
Byron Katie: "She shamed me." Turn it around: "I. . ."
Woman: I can say it: "I shamed me." But I'm not with you.
Byron Katie: Yes, but in that moment, in that moment, where did you shame you?
Just in that moment, when she said, "It could have perforated. It could have killed you." Where did you shame you in that moment?
She was telling the truth. One that you agree with.
So, something was off. Where was it you shamed you?
Woman: I don't know.
Byron Katie: There's an example in there.
Woman: She just said what I was already afraid of. And so I shamed myself because I didn't allow myself to feel how terrified I was.
Byron Katie: Yes.
Woman: So, she just said what I was already thinking. And I had already blamed myself. I mean, I'm an effing doctor. I should have known.
Byron Katie: So, there's another one.
Shame you, shame you, shame you.
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: So, you just popped out with all these examples.
Woman: Yeah. And I was pissed that she was pointing out all this stuff that I had already beaten myself up for.
Byron Katie: So, who shamed you?
Woman: Me.
Byron Katie: Yeah. So, just; and when you find these amazing truths like this, you know, just sit in it.
You know, someone said, "How do you get it to stick?" Be with it.
Because your mind at some point will say, "Yeah, but she. . ." and just notice and come back in the ways you shame you,
because if you do it there, you do it; it reoccurs with your patients.
It reoccurs with the people you work with. It reoccurs with your mom again. It reoccurs with your family. It's like that.
So, this deserves a sitting-in. I mean, if we can sit in our suffering, we can certainly sit in our enlightenment, and support it.
Until every little cell gets it, it's not done. Allow it just to permeate. Stillness. Honoring.
Respecting this beautiful gift that we find each time we sit in this power that you show us so beautifully.
I love sitting with people like you that heal us, because you're so open to healing when you see it.
That was. . .
So, sweetheart. "She shamed me." There's another turnaround. "I. . ."
Woman: "I shamed her."
Byron Katie: So, in that situation, where is it that you shamed her?
Woman: I said, "Mom, don't say this. I've already been over this. I've already beaten myself up."
I threw it back.
Byron Katie: So, you shamed her for pointing out her, her, her. . . what she was seeing regarding your health and welfare.
Her little girl. She was scared, too.
Woman: And she loves me.
Byron Katie: Yes.
Woman: She loves me. And I wish that she could have just said, "Saskia, I love you, and I was terrified."
Byron Katie: Oh, that's beautiful. So, turn it around. "I wish I would have said. . ."
Woman: That's a hard one. I don't feel that. I don't feel that I love her.
Byron Katie: So, turn it around to yourself. "I wish I. . ."
Woman: "I wish I loved me."
Byron Katie: "I wish I would have said, ‘Sasha, I love you.'"
So, try that.
You know, this is so powerful, what I want my mother to say to me. I mean, if she's not available then who is?
Woman: I'm not available for that.
Byron Katie: Yeah. So you projected it onto her. And you didn't give her direction. You shamed her instead.
And you didn't think; you didn't set out to shame her.
It just, like shooting the hip, you believe; it goes out. It's how you react when you believe the thought.
Woman: I wanted her to soothe me instead of me soothing me.
Which is my biggest struggle.
Byron Katie: Yeah. It's wonderful to come home to the only help you're ever really going to find, and that's your own.
Woman: It's kind of depressing.
Byron Katie: And very empowering. I mean, after all, your mother just wasn't, you know;
there's nothing she can say or do that your mind will not override and twist.
You know, and, as we see in this example, and that's not personal. It's how the mind works.
It's not out to hurt her or you. It's just out to save its own life; its own identity.
"I am the one that knows that you are the one hurting me."
"My mother shamed; your mother shamed you." Is it true?
Woman: No.
Byron Katie: OK, precious, let's look at Statement Two.
Woman: I want Jane to tell me she's glad I'm doing well, and how amazing my body is. I want her to stop shaming me.
Byron Katie: So, you got the second one. She stopped shaming you.
You know, forgiveness is seeing that what I thought happened didn't.
It's like, "I thought she shamed me." She didn't. There's nothing to forgive.
That's complete.
OK. So, read that first one again; I mean, that. . . Read the first part of Statement Two again.
Woman: I want Jane to tell me she is glad I'm doing well and how amazing my body is.
Byron Katie: OK. Is that true, you want her, in that moment, is that true that's what you want her to tell you?
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: And how do you react when you think that thought, that that is what you want her to tell you?
Woman: I feel all twisted up inside.
Byron Katie: And do you get silent? Do you get cold? Do you get snippy? Do you get. . .
Woman: All of the above.
Byron Katie: OK. So, those are the ways, it's how we react when we believe the thought, some of us.
And then, if you really sit in these, to notice how you react, the next time those emotions happen, your mind just gets it.
It's in something that needs to be questions, or you'll just wake up like that.
Every little body thing that goes on, you know, when you have witnessed it, in this way, for example, in that third question,
it is that, again, it's like that little temple bell that says, "Ah. Look to your head. Something's going on."
So, "I want her to tell me that she is glad I'm doing well."
Who would you be without that thought? So, close your eyes and listen to your mother on the phone. Listen to her
saying, "You could have. . ."
Woman: I could be at peace.
Byron Katie: OK. So, close your eyes again and listen to her. Feel compassion for that mother.
She's trying to get through to a daughter that's just shaming her. She doesn't know how to get through. She's lost.
And also, notice, sweetheart, how would she know that's what you want to hear?
She's in the middle of imagining her daughter's appendix bursting three times prior to that terrible surgery, to her mind's eye.
Woman: In that moment, I could have appreciation for her that she cares about me; that she even gives a ***.
Byron Katie: Yeah.
So, let's turn it around: "I want me to tell her. . ."
Woman: "I want me to tell her. . ."
Byron Katie: "That I am glad. . ."
Woman: "That I am glad. . ."
Byron Katie: "That I am. . ."
Woman: "That I'm doing so well, and healed."
Byron Katie: Because she's a worried mommy. She's a worried mommy.
So, can you turn it around again? "I want me to tell me. . ."
Woman: "I want me to tell me that I'm doing well."
Byron Katie: "That I'm glad I'm doing well."
Woman: "That I'm glad I'm doing well."
Byron Katie: That would substitute well for shaming your mother.
That's what was in that space.
Woman: Say that again.
Byron Katie: Shaming your mother was in that space, as opposed to you telling you you were doing well.
Woman: And I think that happened because I wanted her approval instead of caring more about what my opinion was.
Byron Katie: Um-hmm. And if we keep it really simple, it's; you thought, you believed she was shaming you.
But it was the other way around. Remember: I am what I believe you to be in the moment I believe it. I am that.
If I believe my mother's shaming me, it's because I'm shaming her. And that shames myself. And we can see clearly she wasn't.
She said two facts, to her mind.
OK, precious, let's look at the next one.
Woman: "Jane should see that she's hurting me and pushing me away even more in our relationship."
"She should see that this makes me feel shamed, controlled, and awful. She should just let me be."
Byron Katie: "She should see that she's hurting you." Is that true?
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: So, close your eyes. Look at her. She's believing that her daughter was close to death.
In those three times you felt the attacks.
So, in that moment, she's perceiving that she should see that she is hurting you.
Woman: Wow. No. She can't see that now.
Oh.
She doesn't care that I got MRIs before. She doesn't care that I had gotten better each time. She just was worried.
Byron Katie: She doesn't care because she can't. That's really what you're saying. She can't. She's worried.
She sees an image of you alone without her, having your appendix burst. She can't get to you. . .
I mean, these are the images that go through our heads. But we want her to say these things specifically, like a script.
Ego. Isn't it brilliant? It's just; I just; you've got to appreciate it.
OK, so, "She should see that she is hurting me."
On the phone, with your mother, who would you be without the thought, as you listen to her?
Woman: I could just love her for caring and just love her for her fear and. . .
Byron Katie: And, clearly, she's not shaming you. In fact, she's really in agreement with what you were thinking, yourself.
And you were very frightened. She was frightened when she thought that. You were frightened when you thought that.
"She should see that she is hurting me." Turned around: "I. . ."
Woman: I should see that I am hurting her.
And I should see that I'm hurting me.
Byron Katie: That she's not doing that. You are.
Woman: So, she's simply stating. . .
Byron Katie: What you were already thinking. Your appendix could have burst. It could have killed you.
OK, sweetheart, read that whole thing: "She should see that she. . ." And read the whole sentence: "She shouldn't see. . ."
Woman: She shouldn't see that she's hurting me. 0:18:32.000,0:18:34.000, Byron Katie: And keep reading.
Woman: "And pushing me away even more in our relationship."
"She shouldn't see that this makes me feel shamed, controlled, and awful. She shouldn't just let me be."
Because if she were to let me be, then I wouldn't be here sitting with you, learning?
Byron Katie: Well, she didn't do anything.
Read it again like that, all the way through. And listen. That's not her. I mean, she couldn't. Read it again like that.
Woman: She shouldn't see that she's hurting me and pushing me away.
Byron Katie: No, because she didn't.
Woman: Shouldn't a mother not want to hurt her daughter?
Byron Katie: She didn't. She said two things. You shamed you and blamed her. Innocently.
Woman: OK.
Byron Katie: And keep reading: "She shouldn't. . ."
Woman: She shouldn't see that this makes me feel shamed, controlled, and awful. She shouldn't just let me be.
Why shouldn't she just. . .
Byron Katie: There's no way she could have perceived any of that was going on. It was all in your head.
She was worried about, you know, this images in her head of her daughter
that could have died in an appendix. . . So, that's where she was.
You could have died. Your appendix could have ruptured. And you've got all these things that she's not even relating to.
You're angry she didn't give them to you, and there's no way she could possibly know.
Woman: Because her mind was wrapped up here.
Byron Katie: Yeah. Yes.
So, this is the illusion. So, let's turn it around: "I should see. . ." And then put you on all of it.
Woman: I should see that I am hurting me and pushing me away even more in my relationship.
Byron Katie: ". . . with myself."
Woman: ". . . with myself."
I should see that this makes me feel shamed, controlled, and awful. I should just let me be.
Byron Katie: Read it just like that again and take it in.
Woman: I should see that I'm hurting me. And pushing me away even more, my relationship to myself.
That's so very true. I should see that this makes me feel shamed, controlled, and awful.
I should just let me be.
That last one is the hardest.
Byron Katie: Now, on that last one, read it: "I should see. . ."
Woman: I should just let me be.
Byron Katie: "I should let her be."
Woman: "I should let her be."
Byron Katie: And back up a little more, on the "should" before that.
Woman: "I should see that this makes her feel shamed, controlled, and awful."
Well, I certainly don't want to make her feel as badly as I feel.
Byron Katie: Simply because she's innocent. She didn't do anything. Except she said what you were already thinking.
There was no shame there was no blame. There was no; there was a mother's concern for her daughter.
Woman: Can I say something here?
She did say to me (Jeff is my husband); she did say, "Well, what would you have done if Jeff had been in so much pain he couldn't walk?"
I had told her the first time that I had trouble walking; that I was in so much pain.
So, her tone. . .
Byron Katie: But what would you do?
Woman: What would had I have done if my husband had been in so much pain he couldn't walk?
Byron Katie: Yes. What would you have done? She asked a simple question. What would you have done?
Woman: "Sweetie, maybe we should go to the ER. Do you think it's an appie? Do you think it's something else?"
Byron Katie: So, there's your answer. So there's your answer.
Woman: OK.
Byron Katie: It was a good question.
Woman: So, she's allowed to say that kind of stinging tone?
Byron Katie: What's stinging in particular?
Woman: "What would you have done?"
Byron Katie: "Oh, that's a great question, Mom. What would I have done? OK. I would have. . ."
You know, as a loving, caring human being when people are upset, they sound like that.
Woman: She's really good at that.
And I guess I am, too.
Byron Katie: I would drop the "I guess."
This is deep Work.
So, read it again, turned around, the whole thing to your mother: "I should see that my mother. . . I should see that I am hurting. . ."
Woman: "I should see that I am hurting her and pushing her away even more in our relationship."
"I should see that this makes her feel shamed, controlled, and awful. I should just let her be."
Byron Katie: Does it fit that way, too?
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: And any time you go at your mother like that, with that intention, you're gonna feel it.
And you don't like you when you do it.
You're in confusion already so you strike back again because the mind feels justified and then it comes back again and it just;
you get deeper and deeper into this; the ego loves it. It is so secure in that.
Any time it hits "victim," which is all the time, victim, victim role, victim identity, it's secure.
You know, can you imagine a planet where when it rains, we complain. I mean, "I'm a victim of the rain. I'm a victim of. . ."
It doesn't matter what does it. "I am," I think. But that doesn't make it stop.
So, sweetheart, let's look at the next one.
Woman: "I need her to say she is so glad I'm well and then change the subject. I need her to say that I can trust my own judgment."
Byron Katie: So, the first one, "I need her to say she is glad I'm well." That's what you need to be happy.
Consider your state of mind. And consider her state of mind.
If she'd said, "I'm glad you're well," would you have bought it? Would that have made you happy?
Woman: Not knowing my mother, no.
Byron Katie: Not considering what you were thinking and believing.
Woman: So, in the space that I was in.
Byron Katie: That's all you're ever gonna have to look at here.
Woman: OK. So, no. I probably wouldn't have bought it.
Byron Katie:And remember that fourth question is that it would make you happy. "I need her to say that she is glad I am well."
In that moment, when you consider your state of mind, her state of mind, if she'd said that, would that have made you happy?
Woman: Probably not.
Byron Katie: And what is your first statement? Statement 1?
Woman: "I'm angry that she shamed me."
Byron Katie: Yeah. And if she'd said, "I'm glad you're well," would that have made you happy?
When you consider your state of mind; her state of mind?
Woman: Probably not.
Byron Katie: So, who would you be without this thought that wouldn't have made you happy anyway; probably not?
Woman: I could just be free.
Byron Katie: To me, that's well.
OK, so, turned around: "I need me. . ."
Woman: "I need me to say that I'm glad I'm well."
"And then change the subject."
"I need me to say that I can trust my own judgment," and that's a big issue, over and over in my life.
Byron Katie: It is, because, you know, what you're projecting onto her gives her all the power, but that's not your mother. That's the problem.
It's who you believe your mother to be.
You believe her to be someone shaming you, but that's not her. In this situation.
Woman: Thank you.
Byron Katie: "I need me to tell my mother that I'm glad I'm well."
Woman: "I need me to tell my mother I'm glad I'm well."
"And then change the subject."
"I need me to say to her that I can trust my own judgment."
Byron Katie: OK, sweetheart. One reason we don't trust our own judgment is, let's just use this isolated case:
Like, if I believe she's shaming me and I do this Work and see that she wasn't, that it was me, then I should see that I'm shaming her, too.
Because it does; it's reoccurring everywhere.
Woman: That's pretty horrifying, actually.
Byron Katie: Yeah, it's a wonderful thing to work out, but it's a little weird at first.
There's only one person out of order in this whole world, and it's me.
Woman: Damn.
Byron Katie: And that's good news. It's empowering. You know?
It leaves only one person to change. And it's the one you're with. So, it's also convenient.
Woman: So, it's never the other person, ever? Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever?
Byron Katie: No!
She won't even; I'm not even touchable at this point.
Not ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never.
Woman: No matter what she says, what she does?
Byron Katie: No matter what. No matter what.
And don't; it's like, what I love about this exchange is it's something that you are not going to believe.
You're gonna test it. Hopefully, you're gonna test it. And if that's what I'm putting out here, prove me wrong, please.
Sit every day in your practice. Prove me wrong.
Open your mind to questioning what you're believing and see what you're left standing with, or sitting.
It can never be.
Woman: Well, the truth is I've been suffering so much that I have no choice but to try something else.
Because, as Dr. Phil would say, "How's it workin' for ya?"
And it's not. In a lot of ways.
I made you laugh. That's great.
Byron Katie: I love how your mind works. Until it's yours, you're not going for it. That's it.
OK, so look at the next one. 0:33:20.000,v 0:33:30.000 Woman: "Jane is controlling and disrespectful." I can't even say it with a straight face. 0:33:30.000,0:33:34.000, "I am controlling and disrespectful."
Byron Katie: In that moment.
Woman: Of me and of her.
Byron Katie: Yes.
Woman: Both.
Byron Katie: You weren't respecting the evidence: your own and hers.
Woman: So, in this whole thing, you're not saying that my action was wrong?
Byron Katie: No.
Woman: You're simply asking me to look at my. . .
Byron Katie: I'm simply; I'm simply. . . It's like the best scenario her for me that you could come out with is just to notice,
when you believe these thoughts, what life is produced out of that?
All of life is produced out of that. And eventually we come to see it's an illusion. But we're in kindergarten.
So, how do I react when I believe the thought, "My mother shamed me"? Immediately, it hits the emotion, doesn't it? Immediately.
And also, when you think the thought, "My mother shamed me," you get other images that are of a past.
And you see that movie and you don't even know it's going on. Innocent, innocent, innocent.
And as you witness that, you're experiencing these emotions and it all goes into what you're believing in this moment.
And the emotions that happen in it, and those images, and what you're thinking would convince you that you're right.
And you immediately become that victim. And so does she.
Inside of you.
And it all needs to be cleaned up so we can start over. And it doesn't take that long.
And it would sound like this: "Mom, you know, I just; I've been looking at myself and I just noticed that when we were on the phone,
and you were so worried, I can see it now. You were so worried about those; about me; our discussion."
You know where I'm going with this. The appendix, all of that, OK?
"And you were so worried about me. And you said this and you said this."
"And I met you with some really; with some things that, you know, I hurt you." 0:36:18.000,0:36:25.000, "I said things that were unkind and a great deal of resistance, and for that I'm sincerely sorry." 0:36:25.000,0:36:30.000, And I can see now, you know, how worried you were."
And I don't have to tell her the part where I thought she shamed me and all of that. That's my stuff.
But I want to admit what I find in these worksheets. To admit it, make it right where I can, start over.
And the way I make it right is the next time I think she's shaming me, I do a worksheet. If I'm not; if I don't wake up to it in the moment.
And that's how I make it right and I start over again.
OK. And that way, the reason for that is that it gives us an opportunity to live it out. And that's a beautiful thing about, like, confession.
You know: "Mom, I shamed you, and my tone of voice, and for that I'm sincerely sorry. It really hurt me, and I apologize for that."
And so you're getting; your cells are getting it. Everything is getting it. And the ego just; it just dies and dies and dies.
And you do it when you're ready.
Let's look at the next one.
And, again, self-realization, until it's lived, what power does it have?
Woman: "I don't ever want to feel that I made the wrong decision. I don't ever want to feel. . ."
Byron Katie: So, let's look at number five again, turned around, "In that moment I am. . ."
Woman: "I am controlling and disrespectful of me and of my mother."
Byron Katie: Yeah. Good.
OK. And the last one?
Woman: "I don't ever want to feel that I made the wrong decision. I don't ever want to feel so affected by my mother's opinion."
Byron Katie: "I'm willing to. . ."
Woman: "I'm willing to feel that I made the wrong decision."
Byron Katie: Yes. It could happen. Especially up against your mother.
You know, beyond what you're believing, maybe, you do respect her. And you do love her.
You do love her. There's nothing you can do about that. That, we lose. I mean, you lose. Until you catch up with that, you lose.
You're never gonna win that one.
So, she's going to keep putting in your face.
It's like our mother holds those buttons, and so they're the ones to hang out with the most. You know?
Once you learn how to question what you're believing, she'll just; you know, it's like enlightenment on steroids.
Woman: So, she asks something, I feel triggered, and then I could say, "That's a great question, Mom. What would I have. . ."
Byron Katie: Only if you can hear the question. Because your mind will override that.
"She's getting nosy. She doesn't trust my judgment. She's this. She's that. She just wants to shame me."
You know, those things belong on a worksheet until finally, when she asks you a question, you can actually hear it and answer it.
That is listening. Sound like inquiry?
Answering the question. Sound like inquiry?
Those people in our lives, they bring us a lot of questions.
So, "I'm willing to. . ."
Woman: "I'm willing to feel that I made the wrong decision. I'm willing to feel so affected by my mother's opinion."
Byron Katie: Because it's painful, it can bring you back to inquiry and wake you up.
"I look forward to. . ."
Woman: "I look forward to feeling that I made the wrong decision."
Byron Katie: Because it's gonna hurt. It'll put you back into a worksheet. On whatever situation that you're into.
"I look forward to. . ."
Woman: "I look forward to feeling so affected by my mother's opinion."
Byron Katie: How exciting!
Woman: I'm not there yet, but maybe I will be.
Byron Katie: Well, would you agree that she may have another opinion?
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: OK. So, you know, there are two ways of, like, avoiding our mothers,
or, just like that with our mothers; defensive and very separate.
Or there's being willing to, meaning just let them be them, anything that upsets you belongs on paper. It's a worksheet.
She will enlighten you, if your mind is open to it.
OK, so what is something your mother; what is something. . . It's like "your mother shamed you."
Can you find one place where she did shame you in your life?
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: OK. And are you open to sharing that?
Woman: I guess so. Yeah.
Byron Katie: OK. And what did she say? Or do?
Woman: She and my father both said they were heartbroken, that I broke their hearts, when I was in a relationship with another woman.
Byron Katie: So, you be my mother and tell me that.
Woman: You be my mother and tell me that?
Byron Katie: You be your mother and I'll be you. And tell me that.
Woman: OK. "Saskia, your father and I are just heartbroken. . ."
(And I'm really good at imitating her, by the way, so this is how she really sounds.)
"Saskia, your father and I are just heartbroken that you've chosen this. And we just; we just can't understand it."
"We don't think it's the right thing for you. You're breaking our hearts."
Byron Katie: "Oh, mother. It must be very painful for you. Is there anything I can do?"
Woman: "Well, yes. I think you could stop this relationship. It's very upsetting to your father and I."
Byron Katie: "You know, I'm so sorry for that. And I'm not willing to give up the relationship. Is there anything else I can do?"
Woman: Damn, you're good.
Byron Katie: Am I; you know, literally, I'm. . . My mother is in pain. My father is in pain. They're believing.
You know, how dare they want what is in my best interest, according to them?
But what does that have to do with me?
Woman: So I just let them say their thing.
Byron Katie: Like you could do anything about it? They're believers.
Here's what they; here is what I am hearing, as I sit across from you, here's what I'm hearing.
"My parents are in pain. They're believing that I hurt them. There is nothing I can do about what they believe."
"Maybe there's something I can do for their pain, without changing my life."
It's like, with believers, even if you change your life, they're not happy.
Woman: Yeah. Because I've tried that. And it don't work.
Byron Katie: OK, so, anytime she said "you did it wrong," and you did it another way. We're on the same page, right?
OK? Who made the decision to do it another way?
You know, I want this clear. Let's say you broke up with this person, because your parents were hurt.
Who made the decision to break up with her? And who got the blame?
Woman: Me. My mother. Yes.
Byron Katie: Now, here's the life of a believer. Your mother says, "Your actions are hurting me."
You made the decision to shift your life. You blamed her.
The difference between when I heard it and you heard it is, I honored where my parents were and I listened to them completely.
They're in pain. OK? I didn't believe. I wasn't believing what they believed.
OK, I want to say that more clearly.
If I believed. . .
My parents say, "You're hurting me." If I believe that, my life just tumbles into inauthenticity.
So I lose self-respect and I blame them. I'm out of touch with myself; I blame them.
But if your parents say, "The sky is blue," who believed it?
Woman: Me.
Byron Katie: So, this is about taking 100 percent responsibility for you. It means I cannot blame you for anything that goes in in my life.
I am responsible. You say the sky is blue?
On planet Mars, everyone believes it's red.
Well, let's say on planet Earth everyone believes the sky is red, but my parents tell me it's blue.
Now I look like a freak in the world. It's their fault.
Is it their fault or the moment I believed, didn't the sky become red? Or blue? Whatever I said?
You understand?
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: Yeah. So, the believer has a rough time. It is; that's where we, we're born into this life of suffering.
And so now when we're questioning what we believe, we're going back to where we came from. It all gets straightened out.
And if you can take the journey you have been on, you can certainly, you can certainly reverse it. You can certainly turn it around.
And bring you back to. . .
your beautiful self.
Thank you.
Woman: Thank you.
Byron Katie: You're welcome.
(applause)
Byron Katie: So full of courage. What a healer you are.
Woman: Thank you.
Byron Katie: Good to know there are some clear doctors out there, huh?
OK, any questions? Any. . . yes?
Audience member: That was really great for me. And so many things came up for me, and I'm lucky enough to be here with my mom.
I'm 46 years with my mom, and there was almost 40 where I found myself sounding in a similar way.
Byron Katie: Yeah.
Audience member: So, I so appreciated the Work today. And I regret that why didn't I find the Work earlier?
Byron Katie: It wasn't time.
Audience member: Yeah. As I get close to 50.
Byron Katie: You were busy believing your thoughts and hopefully the next 50 will be questioning them.
Audience member: Thank you.
Byron Katie: Thank you.