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One beautiful sunny day, I'm driving down the street when this oblivious Emo girl, wearing
headphones, staring at her phone, just totally immersed in this self absorbed bubble of electronic
reality, steps right out in front of my car. Thanks to the fact that at least one of us
is being responsible and attentive, to whats going on around them, I have just enough time
to swerve and save her. But do I really want to? So now it's decision time. Suddenly the
car fills with the smell of fermenting farts marinated in moldy b.o., and I know that Evil
Corey has arrived. Evil Corey drinks *** domestic beer by the 32oz, road rages, very
rarely showers, and loves gambling, strip clubs and smoking pot. He's stepped away from
these things momentarily to offer advice. [Evil Corey] Everybody stop your cars! Don't
interrupt while she graces us with a facebook status update that everyone is dying see.
Probably something about a sad road, and some metaphor for crossing sadness. Look, you already
know what to do here. Just hold the wheel steady and ease down on the accelerator just
a little more. [Good Corey] No! In a burst of lavender scented deodorant, Good Corey
appears just in the nick of time. Good Corey drinks a local craft beer, likes to help people,
tends to shower at least twice a week, and still loves gambling, strip clubs, and smoking
pot. [Good Corey] You know you can't just hit this girl out of some fit of road rage,
or because your ego is so offended by how big her ego is. How are you any better then
her? At least I can always count on Good Corey to be honest with myself. You're right, I
should probably just not hit her. [Good Corey] Well, no... you should definitely hit her,
you should just do it for more noble reasons. Hit her for the sake of future humanity. Do
you really want your children growing up in a world populated by that? With an internet
clogged with bad poetry and whinny little *** music? Because it's only a matter of
time before she gets knocked up by somebody just like her, and starts spitting out a bunch
of little thoughtless creatures that will wander out of the basement and into traffic
just like this. People will be hitting her spawn like they hit deer and other small vermin.
You really want a world where people are constantly washing dead Emo off their cars? [Evil Corey]
Oh, blah blah, freakin' blah blah- shut up! Hit her because you have a car, and she's
right there in front of you. Feel the vibrations fill your body as she tumbles over the hood
and the windshield, going airborne like an Olympic skier on a ski jump. It's better then
almost anything you will ever experience in your life. You'll never forget your first
time hitting an emo girl. It's the most beautiful union between woman and vehicle. [Good Corey]
Look, you'd be doing her a favor. She's always mopey and depressed, and "no one really understands"
her, and she thinks about killing herself all the time anyway. The problem with Emo
people is that they have no ambition for anything- especially when it comes to killing themselves.
So here's your opportunity to stop being a selfish prick, and to help someone else out
for a change. [Evil Corey] No! Indulge your carnal nature. The only satisfying way to
make love to an Emo girl is with the front of your car. [Good Corey] You know, every
time an Emo girl dies, a starving African child receives a hot meal. I thought you couldn't
lie? [Good Corey] Eh... That's it! I've heard enough from both of you... idiots. So I made
my decision. In the end, it isn't about me, or her. It's about the *** band that needs
groupies with low self esteem. It's about job security for people who make eyeliner
and black nail polish, or the people in razor blade factories. It's about the stripper pole
otherwise empty to the dismay of a lonely trucker after a long day on the road... those
are the people who matter. [Emo Girl] Oh sad road, river of melancholy. I must cross your
folly...