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(sonar pinging, water gurgling)
(engine rumbling)
(typewriter keys clack)
(speaks indistinctly)
(man, Ukrainian accent) ACCORDING TO MY SOURCES,
UP TO SEVEN SUBMARINES...
...TO HAVE A HIDEOUT FOR REAL SUBMARINES TO STRIKE BACK.
WE COULD STILL USE IT, TONY. JUST LET'S USE OUR MIND.
(laughing) IT COULD BE--YEAH.
(Anthony) WHO'S WE?
YEAH... (laughs)
OH, YEAH. (echoing laughter)
(tires screech)
HEY, BUDDY.
WELCOME TO BALAKLAVA, DRY DOCK 825.
GOOD.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE.
YEAH.
IS THIS, UH, YOUR CHOSEN LUNCH SPOT
TO REVEAL YOUR MASTER PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION NOW?
(laughs) LET'S DISCUSS IT.
THAT'S WHY WE ARE HERE, ACTUALLY.
YOU SHOULD HOLD SMALL NATIONS HOSTAGE
WITH A R-- A REIGN OF TERROR.
SERIOUSLY... (laughing) IT COULD BE--YEAH.
THERE'S MONEY, YOU KNOW?
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. (chuckles)
(The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion) ♪ AAH! ♪
(Anthony) I'M ANTHONY BOURDAIN.
♪ THAT'S RIGHT! ♪
I WRITE. I TRAVEL.
♪ OH ♪
♪ LOOK OUT NOW! ♪
AND I'M HUNGRY FOR MORE.
♪ UHH! ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT TO ♪
♪ GET LOST ♪
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
UKRAINE--EUROPE'S BREADBASKET,
A LARGE AND QUITE BEAUTIFUL FORMER SOVIET REPUBLIC
STILL WRAPPED IN A COMPLICATED AND UNCOMFORTABLE EMBRACE
WITH ITS FORMER OVERLORD.
A LOT OF HISTORY, MUCH OF IT VERY BAD.
FOR BETTER OR WORSE, RIGHTLY OR WRONGLY,
I HAVE, WHEN THE SUBJECT TURNS TO FORMER SOVIET REPUBLICS,
A GO-TO GUY, A MAN WITH A PLAN,
WITH WHOM I HAVE BEEN LOCKED IN MY OWN COMPLICATED EMBRACE--
A TELEVISION RELATIONSHIP,
A FRIENDSHIP GOING BACK 11 YEARS.
THAT MAN IS ZAMIR.
IT'S BEEN A LONG, WEIRD, AND SOMETIMES PAINFUL RIDE.
THIS TRIP IS DIFFERENT, SOMEWHAT,
THAN, SAY, UZBEKISTAN OR ROMANIA,
'CAUSE IT TURNS OUT, ZAMIR IS UKRAINIAN,
OR CRIMEAN, OR--I DON'T REALLY KNOW,
BUT I GUESS THAT MAYBE WE'LL FIND OUT.
WE START OUT IN THE SOUTH-- CRIMEA.
IT'S A PICTURESQUE PENINSULA
STICKING OUT INTO THE BLACK SEA--
FOR YEARS, RUSSIA'S ONLY ACCESS TO THE MEDITERRANEAN
AND A VITAL STRATEGIC PORT.
EVEN NOW,
TWO DECADES AFTER THE COLLAPSE OF THE SOVIET UNION,
THE RUSSIAN NAVAL FLEET IS STILL HERE,
THROUGH A SPECIAL AGREEMENT,
WHICH I GATHER IS BASED ON THE SIMPLE MATHEMATICS OF
NO NAVAL BASE, NO OIL.
THE TOWN OF BALAKLAVA--
HERE WAS WHERE "THE CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE"
WENT DOWN.
"INTO THE VALLEY... ROAD THE 600"--
ONE OF ENGLAND'S GREATEST STORIES OF MILITARY HEROISM,
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
SOMETHING OF AN EPIC STRATEGIC CLUSTER(bleep).
(starts engine)
(engine rumbling)
ZAMIR HAS BEEN SCOUTING LOCATIONS
FOR A NEW JOINT VENTURE--
A NIGHTCLUB, A DISCO, A DESTINATION RESORT.
SOMETHING ON THE WATER.
I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU,
LIKE, A LITTLE BIT OF A HISTORIC BACKGROUND.
DO YOU REMEMBER 1945?
NAGASAKI?
SO STALIN WAS KIND OF SCARED
AND DECIDED THAT SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE TO HAVE A HIDEOUT
FOR REAL SUBMARINES TO STRIKE BACK.
AS I UNDERSTAND IT THEN, THIS FACILITY WAS BUILT
SO THAT, UH, TO CONCEAL FROM OUR SURVEILLANCE
SOVIET SUBMARINES.
WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS ON--ON BOARD.
AND--AND THEY WOULD SLIP OUT SUBMERGED, RIGHT?
FROM THERE, THROUGH BLACK SEA, DOWN THROUGH BOSPORUS,
SLIP UNDETECTED PAST TURKEY INTO MEDITERRANEAN,
ACROSS ATLANTIC, AND RAIN DEATH
ON FREEDOM-LOVING PEOPLES OF THE WORLD?
YOU GOT IT, MAN.
THAT WAS THE PLAN?
YEAH.
THE MASTER PLAN.
NOW ARE... (chuckles) YOU-- YOU LOOK TOO HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT'S TOTALLY AMAZING TO ME.
MM.
DURING THE COLD WAR,
THIS ENTIRE AREA WAS A HIGH-SECURITY ZONE,
ALL OF IT DESIGNED TO KEEP INQUIRING EYES
AWAY FROM ITS GREATEST SECRET--
THIS, A VAST UNDERGROUND NUCLEAR SUBMARINE BASE
CARVED STRAIGHT OUT OF A MOUNTAIN,
WHERE SEVEN--COUNT 'EM, SEVEN-- FULLY LOADED SUBMARINES
BRISTLING WITH CITY-KILLING NUKES
COULD SLIP IN AND OUT UNOBSERVED,
BE CREWED, REPAIRED, REFITTED.
3,000 PEOPLE WORKED DOWN HERE.
THEIR MISSION-- PREPARE FOR TOTAL WAR
WITH THE MAIN ENEMY, MEANING US.
BOY, THINK ABOUT IT.
PEOPLE WOULD'VE GIVEN THEIR LIVES
TO GET A PICTURE OF THIS BACK IN THE COLD WAR.
OH, YEAH.
AND THEN--
(speaks indistinctly) YEAH.
FOR 30 YEARS,
THIS WAS EXACTLY WHAT THE WHOLE COLD WAR WAS ABOUT,
THE FEAR OF (bleep) WHAT THEY HAD DOWN HERE,
BUT NO LONGER.
NOW IT'S PART OF A MUSEUM, THOUGH ZAMIR'S GOT OTHER IDEAS
THAT INCLUDE BOTTLE SERVICE, LAP DANCES, AND VELVET ROPES.
HE'S ALREADY GOT THE SPORTY NAUTICAL OUTFIT
HE SAYS THE BARTENDERS SHOULD WEAR,
SO WITH ANY LUCK, IT'LL SOON BE DEFCON 1
ON THE JELL-O SHOTS AND CHOCOLATE MARTINIS.
(Anthony) YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, THOUGH.
AS A DISCO, IT--IT'S GOT DEFINITE POSSIBILITIES.
I THOUGHT THE DISCO W-WOULD JUST, YOU KNOW,
ATTRACT CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.
YOU KNOW, PUT THE DEEJAY AND, YOU KNOW,
SORT OF THE GO-GO SKEEZERS UP THERE.
YEAH, I LOVE THE GO-GO IDEA.
LISTEN, THAT-- THAT'S A MONEYMAKER.
OH, PUT THE BAR HERE.
YEP.
(laughing)
WE JUST NEED SOME-- SOME REPUTABLE INVESTORS.
OKAY.
I'M SURE YOU KNOW SOME GOOD PEOPLE.
YEAH, I'LL TALK TO SOME GUYS, YOU KNOW.
THAT'S A HOME RUN, TONY. WE'RE IN BUSINESS, MAN, RIGHT?
YEAH. JUST, UH, YOU'LL ARRANGE THE LIQUOR LICENSE?
(laughs) OH, YEAH.
DEFINITELY.
WHERE AND WHEN AND IF ZAMIR EVER SECURES FINANCING
AND EXACTLY HOW DODGY A VENTURE THAT MIGHT BE
WILL REMAIN, LIKE ALL THINGS ZAMIR,
SLIGHTLY MYSTERIOUS, BUT NO MATTER.
WHAT WE KNOW HE DOES WELL IS FIND FOOD...
AND ***.
ACROSS THE BAY FROM THE SUBMARINE CAVE
IS THIS PLACE, TATCHANINMIS.
IT'S RIGHT ON THE WATER AND SPECIALIZES IN SEAFOOD.
LET'S DISPENSE
WITH THE CHITCHAT AND GO RIGHT
CHITCHAT?
OF THE FINEST UKRAINIAN ***.
(speaks Slavic language)
YES.
(Zamir) UH-HUH, AND THAT SEEMS TO BE THE REAL McCOY.
WE DESERVE THE BEST, TONY, RIGHT?
YES. YES, WE DO.
ZA ZDAROVYE.
(clink)
L'CHAIM. AH.
FRESHLY BAKED BLACK BREAD IS SOMETHING THEY DO
PARTICULARLY WELL AROUND HERE, BY THE WAY.
OOH.
AND YOU'LL BE NEEDING PLENTY OF IT, TOO,
TO SOAK UP ALL THE ***.
(clink)
OKAY, TONY.
CRANBERRY CHASER, AND THAT'S THAT.
IT'S WHAT TO DRINK.
OHH.
(sizzling)
HERRING WITH BOILED POTATOES AND ONION--
TYPICAL ZAKUSKI-LIKE APPETIZER STUFF.
CAVIAR, THE RED STUFF, AND NOT PARTICULARLY GOOD, EITHER.
THE FAMOUS BELUGA AND OSETRA FROM THE CASPIAN--
THAT'S ILLEGAL NOW.
OH, AND ZAMIR'S FAVORITE, SALO,
WHICH IS BASICALLY RAW BACON OR PORK BELLY,
SLIGHTLY CURED WITH SALT.
IT'S A RAW PORK BELLY, LIGHTLY CURED.
WOW.
OH, NOW THAT LOOKS GOOD. WHAT IS THAT, CHEESE?
NO.
THAT'S THE CAVIAR SANDWICH THING.
NICE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M WAITING FOR.
IT SHOULD BE NO MORE THAN A 2-MINUTE BREAK
BETWEEN THE SECOND AND THE THIRD, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, YEAH. I AGREE. OTHERWISE ALL IS CHAOS.
OH. (sighs)
FRIED PLAICE--
A WHITE, FIRM-FLESHED FISH THAT AIN'T HALF-BAD...
WOW. THAT'S GREAT.
A FRESH CATCH.
IT'S NOT FROM CHERNOBYL,
THAT'S WHAT I CAN GUARANTEE.
BUT MY MIND KEEPS WANDERING BACK
TO OUR NEXT DESTINATION, CHERNOBYL,
AND WHAT THE IMPLICATIONS MIGHT BE THERE.
TONY, HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CHERNOBYL?
UH, YOU KNOW, BLEW UP, UH, NUCLEAR MELTDOWN,
RIGHT.
UH, A HUGE RADIOACTIVE CLOUD WAFTED ACROSS EUROPE...
RIGHT.
AND THAT THEY R--THEY HAVEN'T FIXED THE PROBLEM YET.
IT'S HOW MANY YEARS LATER? 25 YEARS LATER.
SO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE READY FOR SUCH A TRIP?
I DON'T KNOW. UM, WELL, I MEAN,
AM I GONNA SEE, LIKE, UH, FUR-BEARING TROUT
OR, YOU KNOW, 3-HEADED WOLVES OR...
YOU NAME IT. WE'LL GET IT.
FLYING ***-SEEKING GERBILS?
(laughs) CLOSE.
NOW THERE'S A MARKET FOR THAT.
(laughs) I AM JUST CHECKING IF YOU ARE REALLY JUST...
A MAN WHO CAN LIVE UP
I WANT TO GO TO CHERNOBYL.
I WANT TO SEE IT.
MAN...
TOUCH THE WOOD.
I TOUCH THE WOOD.
YOU GOT IT.
I'M--I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED. I...
SHOULD WE GET THE RELEASE FORM FROM YOUR WIFE...
(chuckles) SIGNING THAT-- THAT YOU CAN GO TO CHERNOBYL?
I TOLD HER IT WAS FOR A NEW GYM MEMBERSHIP. (chuckles)
(laughs)
TONY, "LITTLE LIES," YOU KNOW, LIKE FLEETWOOD MAC...
"TELL ME LIES.
RIGHT.
BUT, LIKE, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO LIE TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT
F--LIKE, FUN STUFF YOU'RE DOING, YOU KNOW?
(laughing)
INSTEAD, WE'RE GOING TO CHERNOBYL.
OH, GREAT. OKAY.
OHH.
(sniffles) OOH, YEAH.
OHH.
WOW.
OHH.
ZAMIR HAS GOTTEN ME INVOLVED
AT VARIOUS TIMES WITH WHAT, QUITE FRANKLY,
I WOULD CALL SOME *** (bleep).
ALL PROLETARIANS UNITE.
ZA ZDAROVYE.
AND WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT 200 TONS...
(laughing)
OF UNTREATED, UNRETRIEVABLE,
STILL-COOKING NUCLEAR MATERIAL...
(clears throat)
WELL, I HAVE SOME CONCERNS.
TONY, CHERNOBYL IS STILL AHEAD OF US.
RIGHT. WE NEED TO, UH, WH-- INOCULATE OURSELVES IF--
WE HAVE TO BE PREPARED.
OH, MAN. (chuckles)
(clears throat)
TONY, WHERE IS MY ***?
(speaks Slavic language)
AHEM.
GARCON, S'IL VOUS PLAIT.
WE'RE HITTIN' THE SAUCE HARD NOW.
BOTTLE ONE GOES DOWN FAST.
THEN SOME PEPPER ***.
THE PEPPER STUFF. YEAH.
(grunts)
THEN SOME MORE CARAFES OF REGULAR,
OR WAS IT HIGH-TEST?
AND THE NUMBERS THREE AND FOUR
AND POSSIBLY FIVE BECOME A BLUR...
(laughs)
LIKE MUCH OF THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON...
(clink)
AND ALL I'M CERTAIN OF IS,
OHH.
***. NO MORE COMMERCIALS TO ***.
(clink)
TOAST TO UKRAINE.
ALL RIGHT.
(clink)
(grunts)
BUT I WANT TO COMMIT MANY, MANY FELONIES
BEFORE I DIE.
(laughs) LISTEN, THIS IS THE COUNTRY YOU CAN DO THAT.
(clink)
BOTTLE OF ***, PLEASE.
(man speaks indistinctly)
(laughs)
I LOOK FORWARD TO, UH, PROJECTILE VOMITING
IN MY LONELY HOTEL TOILET LATER.
TONY, LET'S (bleep) THE RICH. WHERE IS MY ***?
OHH.
(laughs)
OHH.
(clears throat) YES.
AND IF ANYONE'S GONNA IRRADIATE MY TESTICLES, ZAMIR,
EXACTLY.
MAN, FROM NOW TO ETERNITY.
(clink)
BRUCE WILLIS SUCKS.
FROM BEGINNING TO END,
THAT SMIRKING (bleep)
HAS BEEN USELESS.
NEVER.
EVER.
(laughs) OH, GREAT. OKAY.
I THINK WE'LL ASK FOR A CHECK.
GARCON, S'IL VOUS PLAIT.
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
ON UKRAINE'S NORTHERN BORDER,
NESTLED AMONG THE FORESTS
AND SEEMINGLY ENDLESS BEAUTIFUL FIELDS OF WHEAT,
STANDS THE SITE
OF THE WORLD'S WORST NUCLEAR DISASTER.
CHERNOBYL-- YOU'VE HEARD THE NAME.
80 MILES UP FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF KYIV,
AND GETTING THERE THESE DAYS
REQUIRES YOU ENTER, BY SPECIAL PERMISSION ONLY,
A 30-KILOMETER EXCLUSIONARY ZONE,
PASSING THROUGH FIRST AN OUTER, THEN AN INNER SECURITY CORDON.
THE ROADS ARE EMPTY, TRAIN TRACKS QUIET.
EVERYTHING WITHIN THE CORDON--
TOWNS, CITIES, HOMES, FARMS, BUSINESSES--
LEFT TO RUST.
WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS
ABOUT WHAT NOT TO DO.
DO NOT LEAVE THE ROAD. DO NOT PICK ANYTHING UP.
DO NOT HANDLE LEAVES, DIRT, FOLIAGE.
DON'T EAT OUTSIDE THE CAR.
IF WE FOLLOW THESE RULES, WE'RE TOLD, IT'S SAFE.
NOT EVEN AS MUCH RADIATION AS A CHEST X-RAY, SO THEY SAY.
(engine rumbling)
IT WAS APRIL 1986
WHEN THE REACTOR VESSEL RUPTURED.
RADIOACTIVE SMOKE WAFTED OVER EUROPE.
MILITARY AND TECHNICIANS WERE SENT IN
WITH NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE FACING
OR HOW DANGEROUS IT MIGHT BE.
AFTER UNTOLD DAMAGE, THE SITUATION WAS ARRESTED,
IF NOT SOLVED, BY ENCASING
THE WHOLE INSANELY DANGEROUS MESS IN CEMENT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THE BEST AND SEEMINGLY ONLY SOLUTION
WAS TO LITERALLY COVER THE WHOLE THING UP
IN A CEMENT ICING.
NOW IT'S 25 YEARS LATER,
AND THEY'RE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.
SERGEI HERE
IS THE REMARKABLY CHEERFUL DIRECTOR
OF THE AGENCY THAT RUNS CHERNOBYL TODAY.
I GUESS "RESIGNED TO THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION"
WOULD BE A FAIR DESCRIPTION.
HE SHOWS US
A FRIGHTENINGLY DETAILED SCALE MODEL OF THE INTERIOR,
WHERE ONE CAN SEE EXACTLY HOW HORRIFYING THE DAMAGE...
AND THE DANGER.
WHAT IS THE HUMAN COST OF ALL OF IT?
LIKE, HOW MANY PEOPLE? IS THERE ANY STATISTICS?
LIKE, WHAT IS THE LEGACY OF CHERNOBYL?
ABOUT 200--MAYBE, UH, 2,000-- 200,000 PEOPLE...
UH...
HAVE PROBLEMS IN THE UKRAINE...
(clicks tongue)
BECAUSE THE SOVIET UNION...
COLLAPSED.
COLLAPSED, AND WE SAY, UH, HOW MANY PEOPLE
IN OTHER FORMER SOVIET UNION REPUBLICS?
UNFORTUNATELY, I DON'T KNOW THIS,
BUT... PFFT.
SAFE TO SAY, IN THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS.
YEAH.
THE INITIAL DEATH TOLL WAS REPORTED TO BE 31,
BUT NO ONE KNOWS HOW MANY HAVE DIED FROM EXPOSURE SINCE THEN.
BUT THE RESULT IS,
THIS IS, UH, I MAY SAY,
THIS IS HANDMADE ACCIDENT.
(speaks indistinctly)
HUMAN FACTOR, YOU SEE?
SERGEI IS CAREFUL TO DISTINGUISH THE CAUSE
OF CHERNOBYL'S DISASTER FROM THAT OF JAPAN.
JAPAN WAS A NATURAL DISASTER
CAUSED BY EARTHQUAKE AND TSUNAMI.
CHERNOBYL--HUMAN ERROR.
HUBRIS. DESIGN FLAWS.
ACCORDING TO HIM,
PLANT AUTHORITIES IGNORED SAFETY PROTOCOLS.
THE--THE NEXT STEP IS, AND THE M--
THE MAIN PROBLEM--FUEL.
THE NUCLEAR FUEL MATERIALS.
ABOUT 200 TONS INSIDE HERE, YOU SEE?
UNFORTUNATELY WE HAVE,
UH, NO SPECIAL TECHNOLOGY TO REMOVE THE FUEL.
NO TECHNOLOGY. NO ROBOT--ROBOTS.
UH, THE LEVEL OF RADIATION IS ABOUT,
UH, 1,000, UH, ROENTGEN PER HOUR.
AND NO--
EVEN ROBOTS CAN'T OPERATE?
WHO WOULD DO IT? WHO WOULD DO THE WORK?
WHO WILL DO THE WORK?
IT'S VERY--A VERY, VERY, UH, DIFFICULT PROBLEM.
MM... TOO MANY MONEY, UH, UNFORTUNATELY
COULDN'T, UH, DECIDE THE PROBLEM
THAT'S--THAT'S IT.
I MEAN, YOU--
THERE'S NO CHOICE.
NO CHOICE. BUT NO CHOICE.
MEANWHILE THE 200 TONS OF RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL THAT
STILL SITS INSIDE THE REACTOR NEED TO BE DEALT WITH.
WHAT TO DO? THIS THING IS LEAKING.
THEY DON'T HAVE MONEY TO FIX IT,
AND THERE WE ARE.
I CAN PUT MY HAND ON THE HEART
AND TO SAY THAT THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE
TO NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS FOR TODAY IN UKRAINE
AND, I THINK, IN THE WORLD ALSO.
I-I MEAN, I WOULD AGREE WITH THAT. I--
BUT, YOU KNOW, W--
IT'S FRIGHTENING.
BETWEEN--BETWEEN THE HUMAN FACTOR AND THE--
YES.
FORCE MAJEURE?
OR THE--
THE NATURAL CALAMITIES.
UH... (sighs)
YOU KNOW, WE DON'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN.
YEAH.
JUST DOWN THE ROAD IS THE TOWN OF PRIPET.
IT WAS A COMPANY TOWN,
HOME TO THOUSANDS OF EMPLOYEES AND THEIR FAMILIES--
BY SOVIET STANDARDS, NEAR UTOPIAN,
A CITY OF THE FUTURE.
TODAY THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE,
RAPIDLY BEING EATEN BY THE FOREST--
A RADIOACTIVE FOREST, I SHOULD ADD.
WE'RE TOLD BY OUR GUIDE THAT THE RADIATION LEVELS
ARE LOW ENOUGH FOR US TO HAVE A QUICK WALK AROUND,
AS LONG AS WE DON'T TOUCH THE VEGETATION,
KICK UP ANY DIRT OR DUST,
STAY AWAY FROM THE MOLD OR MOSS.
IN GENERAL, DO NOT TOUCH.
SO YOU'VE GOT TO AVOID THAT STUFF, RIGHT?
RIGHT. STAY OFF THE DIRT.
RIGHT.
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
AND DON'T KICK THE MOLD THAT--LIKE THIS STUFF.
THAT'S BAD.
SO SERGEI WILL SHOW US WHAT USED TO BE A HOTEL.
DON'T USE THE RAILS.
WE GO TO THE ROOF
OF WHAT USED TO BE A 5-STORY BUILDING.
SO THAT'S WHERE PEOPLE WOULD LIVE
AND GO TO WORK EVERY DAY.
(speaks indistinctly)
ALMOST A CITY.
YEAH. THIS ALL LOOKS SURREAL.
(Anthony sighs)
SO WHAT DID PEOPLE DO?
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW THE NEWS BROKE,
BUT THEY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, AND THEY LOOK OUT,
AND THERE'S SMOKE COMING OUT OF THE--THE REACTOR.
(speaks Slavic language)
YEAH, IN THE MORNING, THEY WERE ALERTED
THAT THE FIRE TOOK PLACE.
THEY WERE ALERTED
TO CLOSE ALL THE WINDOWS AND DOORS
AND TRY TO STAY INSIDE.
36 HOURS LATER, MANY BUSES WERE BROUGHT IN,
AND THEY WERE GIVEN SOME TIME,
A VERY SHORT TIME TO LEAVE THE PLACE.
A DAY AND A HALF LATER, RESIDENTS WERE EVACUATED,
LEAVING EVERYTHING BEHIND EXCEPT IDENTIFYING DOCUMENTS
AND THE CLOTHES ON THEIR BACKS.
DECONTAMINATION, SUCH AS IT WAS AROUND HERE,
REQUIRED COVERING EVERY BUILDING,
INSIDE AND OUT, WITH FOAM.
THE FOAM WAS THEN SCRAPED OFF, COLLECTED,
AND BURIED IN THE GROUND.
THE SURROUNDING FORESTS WERE BULLDOZED,
GATHERED UP, AND BURIED AS WELL.
THEY'RE GROWING BACK, BUT FOR 24,000 YEARS,
THIS IS NO PLACE ANYONE WOULD WANT THEIR CHILDREN
TO BE PLAYING.
I THINK FUTURE ARCHAEOLOGISTS WILL LOOK AT, UH, THIS
AND WHATEVER'S LEFT--
THEY'LL DISCOVER BUILDINGS INTERTWINED
YEAH.
AND--AND THEY'LL WONDER, "BOY, THESE GUYS REALLY (bleep)."
AMAZING.
(branches rustle)
NOW, UH-- UH, TONY, WE GO RIGHT.
THERE IS, LIKE, A PATH
ON THE RIGHT SOMEWHERE.
OH, MAN.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO WALK IN.
SO REALLY IT--
THIS WAS, UH, SORT OF A PLANNED COMMUNITY.
YEAH.
THE YOUNG COMMUNIST, UH, NEEDED--
PRETTY MUCH.
LIBRARY, CULTURAL CENTER.
YEAH.
PARADISE ON EARTH.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS MONSTER? LIKE, A WHEEL OF FORTUNE?
THE WONDER WHEEL.
THE WONDER WHEEL.
WHEE.
TILT-A-WHIRL.
OH, AND THERE'S THE BUMPER CARS, MY FAVORITE.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
(Anthony) HOW AM I DOING, UH, ZAMIR?
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK OUT THE PACKAGE?
I MEAN, SO TO SPEAK.
TURN IT ON.
HOW DO I DO THAT?
SO...
SO--
OH, ONE SEC.
OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
THAT'S NOT GOOD!
SH--
SHOOT. OH.
LOOKS LIKE...
70.
I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE, LIKE, WITHIN 10, NO?
SORRY, MAN. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT--
TO BE THAT RUDE TO BRING YOU OVER HERE.
WASN'T EXPECTING IT MYSELF.
THAT NEEDLE (bleep) JUMPED!
IT'S...
WELL, IT'S STILL UP THERE.
IT'S--OKAY, SO IT'S NOT MY (bleep).
(laughing)
RIGHT, SO YOU--
I THINK IT'S ALWAYS THERE, RIGHT?
OKAY.
I'M UNIVERSALLY IRRADIATED.
(chuckles)
OH, YEAH, TRY THE MOSS, HE'S SAYING.
THE--THAT STUFF YOU'RE ABOUT TO STEP INTO.
(static crackling)
YOU SEE THAT? THAT'S, LIKE, CLOSE TO--
YEAH, POINT IT DOWN A LITTLE MORE.
TO 90 OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?
OOH. OKAY.
WELL, UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE SEEN HERE,
BUT I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
YEAH, I THINK I'M DONE FOR TODAY, TONY.
THE AVERAGE YEARLY DOSE OF RADIATION FOR AMERICANS
IS ABOUT 350 MILLIREMS.
IF ZAMIR'S READING THIS THING CORRECTLY,
WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET OUT OF HERE AS SOON AS WE CAN.
YEAH, BEFORE I GROW
A BIG PAIR OF RADIOACTIVE (bleep) MAN ***...
YEAH.
WITH, LIKE, TENTACLES (bleep).
THEY DO BRING TOURISTS THROUGH HERE,
NORMALLY FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS A STOP, I'M TOLD.
WE'VE BEEN HERE... LONGER.
TIME TO GO. LONG PAST TIME TO GO.
HOW DOES IT LOOK? I WAS GONNA SAY, "WHAT'S--"
I-I WAS GONNA SAY,
(laughing)
NOTHING IS COOKING, TONY, BUT SHOW MUST GO ON.
YEAH, LET'S GET BACK TO THE CAR, MAN.
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
(indistinct conversations)
♪
(Zamir) WOW.
NICE, TONY, ISN'T IT?
OH!
WOW, ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
VICTORY DAY IN KIEV.
(Anthony) VICTORY OVER WHAT? WHAT IS THIS DAY ANYWAY?
WELL, WE CALL IT
THE GREAT PATRIOTIC WAR.
THE GREAT PATRIOTIC WAR.
SO WHAT DID STALIN SAY?
UH, THE WAR WAS WON WITH, UH, "BRITISH BRAINS,
AMERICAN BRAWN, AND RUSSIAN BLOOD"?
THAT IS THE QUOTE, RIGHT?
THAT'S THE WAY WE LOOK AT IT.
IT'S VICTORY DAY IN KIEV,
AND DESPITE ALL THE QUITE REASONABLE RESENTMENT
OVER YEARS OF SOVIET OPPRESSION,
PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING IS PUT ASIDE ON THIS DAY.
THE HAMMER AND SICKLE ARE PROUDLY DISPLAYED.
THE WAY UKRAINIANS LOOK AT IT,
IT WAS, AFTER ALL, THE FLAG THEY FOUGHT UNDER
DURING THEIR YEARS OF THEIR GREATEST SACRIFICE--
THE FIGHT AGAINST NAZISM.
♪
IT'S KIND OF SENTIMENTAL, YOU KNOW,
AND, YOU KNOW, UKRAINE SUFFERED A LOT, LIKE, YOU KNOW...
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.
FROM BOTH SIDES.
SO IT'S STILL A BIG DEAL. STILL LIVES FRESH IN THE MIND.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BIGGEST HOLIDAY,
THE BIGGEST DAY FOR EVERYONE.
UKRAINE SUFFERED, BY MOST ACCOUNTS,
MORE CASUALTIES DURING THE WAR
THAN ANY OTHER EUROPEAN NATION--
ABOUT 10 MILLION.
RIGHT HERE, INDEPENDENCE SQUARE WAS LEVELED
DURING THE GERMAN ADVANCE.
IT'S KINDA SAD, THOUGH, BECAUSE LOOK AT THE OLD DAYS.
THE OLD DAYS, UH, THIS COUNTRY WAS RUN BY A SMALL CABAL
(laughs)
RUSSIAN COMMUNISTS, WHO CONTROLLED EVERYTHING
AND OWNED EVERYTHING AND DECIDED EVERYTHING.
RIGHT.
NOW IT'S RUN BY A SMALL CABAL
OF CAPITALISTS, WHO RUN EVERYTHING,
OWN EVERYTHING, AND DECIDE EVERYTHING,
WHO ARE--WHO ARE... (chuckles)
WHO ARE ANSWERABLE TO RUSSIA.
WELL, WHAT TIME WAS BETTER? I DON'T KNOW.
(engine rumbles)
THE FIRST THING EVERYBODY SAYS
WHEN YOU SAY YOU'RE COMING HERE IS,
"BORSCHT. YOU GOTTA TRY THE GREEN BORSCHT."
AND BELIEVE ME, YOU'LL BE TRYING A LOT OF BORSCHT
OF VARIOUS HUES DURING YOUR STAY.
I KNOW THAT THEY HAVE THREE OR FOUR DIFFERENT BORSCHT.
THEY HAVE BORSCHT WITH PORK, UKRAINIAN BORSCHT--
THAT COULD BE THE ONE--
AND THEY HAVE THE GREEN BORSCHT, YEAH.
YEAH.
WELL, TONY, UH--
I'M GONNA GO FOR THE GREEN--GREEN STUFF.
I WILL BE DRINKING BEER, I THINK.
I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA HIT THE *** TOO HARD TODAY.
BEER...
IN UKRAINIAN RESTAURANT?
OKAY, TONY.
NO, I MEAN, IT'S LIKE...
WHAT? OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I'M--
SO YOU'RE--YOU DISAPPROVE?
OKAY. WE'LL GO--WHATEVER YOU T-- WHATEVER YOU TELL ME TO DRINK.
IT'S, LIKE, A LITTLE BIT OF A PERVERTIVE SIGN
IF WE JUST ORDER BEER IN THIS PLACE.
THEY'LL THINK WE ARE BRITS OR SOMETHING.
OKAY. (sighs)
BLACK BREAD AGAIN-- DELICIOUS, OF COURSE--
AND, YES, EVEN THOUGH I TRY AND AVOID IT, ***.
SMALL VESSELS GIVE ME, LIKE, A LITTLE BIT UNSTABLE FEEL,
LIKE THERE'S NO FUTURE.
NOW WE KNOW THAT LIFE GOES ON, MAN.
R--OH, YOU MEAN, YOU KNOW THERE'S MORE.
YEAH. THERE IS MORE. OTHERWISE IT'S LIKE--
LIKE SQUEEZING THE LAST TEARS.
TO WAR HEROES, MAN.
AH.
OH, JESUS.
ZAMIR'S GOT A HOT NUT FOR THESE CHICKEN LIVERS
WRAPPED IN BACON, WHICH I'M KIND OF OVER
SINCE A REGRETTABLE INCIDENT AT THE SQUITIERI WEDDING
A WHILE BACK, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.
PRETTY HAPPY WITH THAT? IS IT GOOD?
AMAZING, LIKE HOT FOIE GRAS.
I GO FOR THE VARENIKI,
WHICH YOU'LL ALSO SEE A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT OF HERE--
BEEF DUMPLINGS SERVED WITH A UBIQUITOUS ACCOMPANIMENT
OF SOUR CREAM AND DILL.
TONY, ENJOY. ZA ZDAROVYE.
I HOPE YOU'LL LIKE THE GREEN BORSCHT.
THANK YOU. THIS IS, UH, UNLIKE ANY I'VE SEEN BEFORE.
EGGS AND DILL AND SORREL AND A BIG HUNK OF MEAT.
QUITE GOOD.
TO THE LESSONS OF HISTORY,
SO LET THERE BE NO MORE MISTAKES.
(clink)
LET PEOPLE DO THEIR HOMEWORK.
AH.
THAT *** JUST HIT ME LIKE A TRAIN.
I'M HANGING ON TO, UH, VERTICALITY.
(speaks indistinctly)
WHAT'S THE SPECIALTY OF KIEV? WELL, CHICKEN KIEV, RIGHT?
I'M NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED IT WAS EVEN INVENTED HERE,
BUT THEY'RE HAPPY TO SERVE IT TO YOU, AND MINE IS
A LITTLE FOOTBALL-SHAPED CROQUET KIND OF A THING
THAT, FRANKLY, I'D JUST AS SOON HAVE GONE WITHOUT.
OOH. IT SORTA SQUIRTED ON ME.
AS SOON AS YOU CUT INTO IT, THE MELTED BUTTER LEAKS
ONTO YOUR PLATE LIKE A BUSTED ***,
LEAVING YOU A CURIOUSLY HOLLOW AND DRY BALL
OF RUBBERY FRIED BATTER AND CHICKEN-LIKE MATERIAL.
ZAMIR GOT A WHOLE ROASTED BIRD,
WHICH IN RETROSPECT WAS PROBABLY THE WISER OPTION.
WOW. THERE'S, LIKE, NO BONES IN THAT CHICKEN.
HOW DID IT WALK?
I TOLD YOU--
SOMETHING IN THIS COUNTRY WHICH WE NEED TO EXPLORE
AND, UH, FIND A WAY FOR NEW BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES.
SPECIAL PRE-*** CHICKEN?
I...
ZAMIR IS NOW ON TO A NEW VENTURE, APPARENTLY.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M ONLY HALF-LISTENING.
SOMETHING ABOUT *** DISTILLED FROM CHICKEN (bleep),
WHICH DOESN'T SOUND TOO APPETIZING RIGHT NOW.
SO, MAN,
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPACE FOR SOME BUSINESS VENTURES?
I-I HAVE SOMETHING NEW IN MIND, MAN.
REALLY?
TELL ME IF YOU ARE READY.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW, AMERICANS ARE CRAZY ABOUT EVERYTHING ORGANIC, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
SO WHAT ABOUT CHICKEN (bleep) ***?
CHICKEN (bleep)...
***.
UH, WHAT, IT WOULD BE, LIKE... TELL--S--TELL ME MORE.
WELL, JUST SOME GUYS I KNOW LOCALLY ARE EXPLORING
INTO THIS VERY LOW-COST PRODUCTION FACILITY,
BECAUSE THERE IS A LOT OF CHICKEN (bleep)
IN THE COUNTRY, RIGHT?
OKAY, WELL-- WELL, YOU'RE NOT SAYING--
WAIT A MINUTE. SO WHERE DOES THE CHICKEN F--
THE ACTUAL FECAL MATERIAL COME IN?
FROM CHICKENS, YOU KNOW, PARTS OF IT.
THE BETTER PART WILL GO TO CHICKEN KIEV.
WHATEVER IS LEFT WILL GO TO OUR ***, MAN. (chuckles)
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO,
YEAH, WE'LL JUST USE LESS.
IS THERE ACTUAL FECAL MATERIAL IN THE--
LISTEN, IT'S OKAY,
MEANING THAT IT COULD KNOCK YOU OFF, BUT, YOU KNOW--
FOR ALCOHOLICS, BASICALLY.
SORT OF. (chuckles)
SO BASICALLY YOU'RE TALKING...
SURPRISINGLY AFFORDABLE...
"PREMIUM"--
"PREMIUM" *** FROM UKRAINE.
(laughs) OKAY. I LOVE IT.
SO, TONY, TO OUR JOINT VENTURE, MAN.
TO SUBMARINES AND CHEAP ***.
AH.
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
WHO IS ZAMIR GOTTA,
THIS GUY WHO'S BEEN MY FRIEND NOW FOR SO LONG,
WITH WHOM I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH?
WHEN ZAMIR ANNOUNCED UKRAINIAN ROOTS,
OR MORE ACCURATELY, CRIMEAN ROOTS,
I HAVE TO SAY, I WAS DUBIOUS.
I ALWAYS HALF-SUSPECTED HE'D CLAIM SIBERIAN HERITAGE
IF WE EXPRESSED THE SLIGHTEST INTEREST
IN SHOOTING THERE, BUT NO.
HE'S BEEN INSISTENT ON THE UKRAINE THING,
THE CRIMEAN THING, FOR SOME TIME--
THE IMPETUS FOR THIS SHOW--
AND HE BROUGHT US HERE, BACK TO SOUTHERN UKRAINE
AND THE MOUNTAIN VILLAGE OF BAKHCHISARAY,
SEAT OF POWER FOR THE CRIMEAN TATARS,
A TURKIC-ISLAMIC ETHNIC GROUP WHO WREAKED HAVOC
ACROSS MUCH OF RUSSIA, UKRAINE, AND POLAND
IN THE 16th AND 17th CENTURIES.
RIGHT, ETHNIC LOYALTIES
YEAH.
KIND OF-- KIND OF KOOKY HERE NOW.
250 YEARS LATER,
STALIN TREATED THE TATARS, AND UKRAINIANS IN GENERAL,
WITH A GENOCIDAL FEROCITY.
THE CRIMEAN TATARS,
WHO HE ACCUSED OF SIDING WITH THE GERMANS,
HE RELOCATED EN MASSE--
THE ENTIRE POPULATION-- MOSTLY TO UZBEKISTAN,
BUT SINCE 1991 WHEN UKRAINE GAINED ITS INDEPENDENCE,
MANY TATARS HAVE RETURNED IN SEARCH OF THEIR TRADITIONS.
SO IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE, GIVEN THAT--THAT THESE DAYS,
THEIR RELATIVES WOULD IDENTIFY THEMSELVES MORE WITH UKRAINE
RIGHT.
SO, ZAMIR, ABOUT A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,
SOME PSYCHO SUPER NATIONALIST RUSSIAN...
WAS COMPLAINING,
"WHO IS THIS GUY ZAMIR?"
"HE'S NOT RUSSIAN."
RIGHT.
WELL, WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY? WHERE DO YOUR PEOPLE COME FROM?
WELL, LISTEN, THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION, TONY.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, AND THANK GOD,
WHEN WE ARE IN CRIMEA I CAN REALLY FEEL THAT,
YOU KNOW, WHERE I BELONG TO THIS PLACE,
BECAUSE BOTH MY FATHER'S AND MOTHER'S LINES ORIGINATED
FROM CRIMEA. ON THE FATHER'S LINES,
IT HAS MORE OF 60% OF TURKISH ANCESTRY
AND, KIND OF, HERITAGE-- LANGUAGE-WISE, CULTURE-WISE--
BUT JUDAISM, UH, AS RELIGION.
SINCE I DON'T GO TO SYNAGOGUE AND DON'T SPEAK TURKISH,
I-I WOULD CALL MYSELF A COSMOPOLITAN.
EITHER WAY, ONCE I FEEL LIKE I AM MORE OF JEW.
ONCE I FEEL I AM MORE LIKE-- OF A TURK, SO WHO KNOWS?
INTERESTING.
(speaks inaudibly)
(meat sizzling)
TATAR--TURKISH-STYLE FOOD
WITH, I GATHER, AN UZBEK TWIST.
WHAT THAT MEANS IN THE SHORT RUN IS NO ALCOHOL,
WHICH ON REFLECTION, IS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.
MY LIVER'S SWOLLEN UP LIKE STEVEN SEAGAL
AT A LUAU BUFFET.
THE RESTAURANT IS NAMED SALASHIKH,
AND MEAT ON A STICK FEATURES HEAVILY,
BUT FIRST, BREAD, CHICKPEA STEW WITH MEAT,
STUFFED GRAPE LEAVES, OR DOLMAS.
WOW. SO THAT'S THE REAL FEAST STARTING.
LEAVES OF WINE WITH A MEAT FILLING.
STUFFED GRAPE LEAVES?
SO THIS IS, LIKE, A COMBINATION OF, UH,
LIKE, A SALAD AND BEEF, UH, ON TOP OF IT AND ONIONS.
OH, VERY NICE.
VEGETABLES--ALL ORGANIC, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO QUESTION.
CHERNOBYL-- IT WAS TOO FAR AWAY
FROM THIS PLACE, SO DON'T EVEN ASK.
SO NO PROBLEM? GOOD, GOOD.
THIS IS VERY GOOD.
MY FAVORITE, CHEBUREKI. DA.
CHEBUREKI-- BASICALLY A BIG MEAT PIE,
FLAKY, FRIED CRUST CONTAINING SCREAMINGLY HOT GROUND MEAT
AND SPICE, AND YOU'D BEST WATCH YOURSELF
WHEN YOU BITE INTO ONE OF THESE BAD BOYS,
'CAUSE THE CLOUD OF HOT VAPOR AND BOILING LIQUID
CAN SCALD YOUR FACE.
MY GRANDMA USED TO DO IT WHEN SHE WAS STILL ALIVE...
YEAH.
BUT IT'S KIND OF JUICY, SO TRY TO--
BE CAREFUL EATING, 'CAUSE IT'LL SQUIRT HOT GREASE ON YOU?
YEAH. OH, YES.
OKAY.
THAT'S GOOD, BUT HANDLE WITH CARE.
THAT COULD HURT.
(speaks Slavic language)
(speaks Slavic language) TONY, I THINK THAT'S YOUR PLATTER.
MY--VERY NICE.
I THINK I HAVE LAMB. (speaks Slavic language)
(speaks Slavic language)
DA. AMAZING.
THE LAMB CHOPS HAVE NOT BEEN OVERSOLD--
JUICY, FLAVOR-PACKED,
COOKED JUST RIGHT, AND DELICIOUS.
WHEN I AM BACK TO CRIMEA, I FEEL LIKE
THIS LAID-BACK ATTITUDE, LIKE, NO RUSH,
REALLY MAKES SENSE, YOU KNOW? SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IF YOU'RE VACATIONING HERE, SURE,
BUT, I MEAN, IF YOU LIVE AND WORK HERE?
TRUE.
I MEAN, LIFE'S HARD IN--IN UKRAINE NOW, RIGHT?
OOH. (sighs)
LIFE IS VERY HARD IN UKRAINE THESE DAYS.
SO I'M GUESSING THE SOVIET UNION--
THEY WERE THE MAJOR EMPLOYER AS WELL.
OF COURSE.
THE "CAPITALISM" ASIDE,
IT JUST DIDN'T REALLY LAND SMOOTHLY. I MEAN--
YEAH, BUT THE GLORY DAYS
OF A GIGANTIC, UH, RUSSIAN MILITARY PRESENCE--
THAT'S GONE,
YEAH, I GUESS FOREVER.
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT I DID TO TONY IN UKRAINE,
GO TO...
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
BACK IN KIEV,
IT'S PERFECT SPRING WEATHER.
THE ORTHODOX SPIRE IS PRETTY, SEEMINGLY FEW OF THE KIND
OF SOVIET-STYLE WEDDING CAKE HORROR SHOW STRUCTURES
THAT RUINED MUCH OF MOSCOW'S SKYLINE.
TIME FOR A PICNIC.
AT THE END OF KIEV'S MAIN DRAG, THE KHRESCHATYK,
IS THE BESARABSKY MARKET,
JUST SHY OF 100 YEARS OLD
AND SEEMINGLY SPRUCED UP RECENTLY TO E.U. STANDARDS.
FRUITS, VEGETABLES,
CLEAN, ORGANIZED COUNTERS SELLING LUXURY GOODS.
HEY, TONY. WELCOME TO BESARABSKY RYNOK,
WHICH WILL CELEBRATE 100th ANNIVERSARY NEXT YEAR--
THE BEST PLACE WHERE WE COULD BUY
ANY, YOU KNOW, FRESH FRUIT, VEGETABLE, MEAT, FISH.
YEAH, YEAH, YOU NAME IT.
YEAH, I COULD GO FOR A HEALTHY BREAKFAST, ZAMIR.
SALO, MAYBE?
NO. GOD, YOU WOULDN'T-- NO. SALO.
LISTEN, I LIKE PORK AS MUCH AS ANYBODY.
I LIKE RAW PORK AS MUCH AS ANYBODY.
I LIKE SEMI-CURED PORK AS MUCH AS ANYBODY,
BUT FOR BREAKFAST,
NO? NO?
NAH. I'M THINKING FISH EGGS...
OKAY.
AND MAYBE A NICE ORANGE JUICE.
THE BEST CAVIAR, HOWEVER, IS FROM THE CASPIAN SEA,
AND IT'S ILLEGAL, THEY SAY, TO SELL CAVIAR FROM THERE.
YEAH. LOOKS LIKE IT HAS BEEN FLOATING FOR QUITE SOME TIME...
(clears throat) YOU KNOW. (speaks Slavic language)
(speaks Slavic language)
NOT FROM CHERNOBYL AT ALL. I'LL TRY TO IDENTIFY IT, SO--
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND THEN...
WOW.
IT'S GOOD?
I AM IN HEAVENS, TONY.
OKAY.
THE STUFF THEY'RE WILLING TO SELL US ON CAMERA
IS, FRANKLY, LESS THAN WONDERFUL, BUT I--
I AM A BIG BELIEVER IN FREE MARKET CAPITALISM,
AND FORTUNATELY MANY LOCAL MERCHANTS
SEEM TO SHARE THAT WORLD VIEW.
SO, TATYANA, WISH US GOOD LUCK, AND, UH, BON APPETIT.
(both) SPASIBA.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, MY FRIEND.
READY FOR A FEAST?
WE SPREAD OUR MODEST FARE ON A PIGEON-CRAPPED PARK BENCH,
TWO LOST SOULS MAKING THE BEST OF A BEAUTIFUL MORNING--
A CRUST OF BREAD, A BIT OF SAUSAGE,
SOME HUMBLE PICKLES, APPLES AND CUKES.
OKAY, A LITTLE SMOKED STURGEON DOESN'T HURT,
AND THE BLACK BREAD-- AWFUL TASTY.
I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING IN FRONT OF THE NICE LADY...
YEAH?
BUT THIS CAVIAR BLOWS, DUDE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT WAS KINDA WET, SOUPY...
UNDEFINED.
YEAH.
THERE WAS A BAN ON--
ON THE STURGEON CAVIAR IN RUSSIA.
YEAH, WELL, LISTEN, DUDE,
IN THE TIME YOU TOOK TO BUY THAT STUFF,
I JUST STEPPED DOWN THE WAY A LITTLE BIT...
WHAT'S THAT?
AND SCORED THIS, MY FRIEND.
THIS IS A GREAT COUNTRY.
HOW ABOUT SOME OF THE GOOD STUFF,
WHAT IN NEW YORK WOULD BE ABOUT A GRAND OR MORE
OF SOME HIGH-TEST CAVIAR FROM-- WELL, WHO KNOWS FOR SURE?
I HAVE MY SUSPICIONS, BUT...
NO, ABSOLUTELY, I KNOW NOTHING FOR SURE.
MMM.
THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.
THE GOOD EGGS ARE FIRM AND WHOLE,
FRESH AND LIGHTLY SALTED.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S GOOD CAVIAR, WHEREVER IT MAY COME FROM.
(chuckles) OKAY. INTERESTING.
HOW DID YOU NEGOTIATE THE PRICE?
HOW MUCH WAS IT?
A (bleep) OF A LOT.
WOW.
WELL, LET'S JUST SAY--
LET'S LEAVE IT AT THAT.
YEAH. WOW. MMM.
UNBELIEVABLE.
IT TASTES ENDANGERED.
TONY, IT'S NOT A REAL SNACK WITHOUT SOMETHING
WHICH KEEPS YOU ALWAYS, LIKE, DEFROSTED.
YEAH, YOU LOVE MR. NEMIROFF, DON'T YOU?
OH, THIS IS PEPPER ***.
YEAH, IT'S PEPPER ONE. THAT KILLS EVERYONE, THEY SAY.
OOH. (sniffles) YOU FEEL WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, RIGHT?
LET ME TELL YOU, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO
REALLY WELL IN THIS COUNTRY?
THEY BAKE BREAD REALLY, REALLY WELL.
THAT'S TRUE.
YOU ARE SPOILING ME. LISTEN, THAT'S A REAL DECADENCE.
YEAH, THIS IS BEST BREAKFAST I HAD IN THIS COUNTRY SO FAR.
WE'RE GONNA NEED TO INVESTIGATE--
APPARENTLY YOU DO THE "MEAT IN TUBE FORM" THING WELL HERE.
(speaks indistinctly)
OH, YEAH.
COMRADE LENIN OVER THERE LOOKING DOWN AT US,
OR ACTUALLY WE'RE--WE'RE EATING A DECADENT SPREAD
BEHIND HIS BACK. HOW APPROPRIATE.
UH, THAT'S SYMBOLIC.
IT'S RARE TO FIND STATUES OF LENIN OR STALIN
STILL STANDING IN FORMER SOVIET REPUBLICS,
BUT UKRAINIANS ARE NOT QUICK TO DEMOLISH
THEIR LINKS TO THE PAST,
AND IF YOU SPEND A FEW HOURS WANDERING AROUND THE CITY,
YOU'LL NOTICE A STATUE ABOUT EVERY 10 FEET
COMMEMORATING THE HEROES OF THE GREAT PATRIOTIC WAR.
SO, TONY, YOU MUST BE HUNGRY BY NOW,
WHY, YES, ZAMIR.
I AM HUNGRY.
(chuckles) OKAY, SO WE DON'T NEED ANY RESERVATIONS FOR THIS--
YOU KNOW, YOU H--YEAH. UH, OH, YOU--YOU DID IT!
SEE, OH, Y--I HAVEN'T WORKED THE TITLE OF THE SHOW
INTO A SINGLE SENTENCE THIS ENTIRE--
THIS ENTIRE ADVENTURE.
OKAY, SO I THINK TIME
TO TRY SOME OF THE LOCAL STREET FOOD
TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE.
OH, THE JOYS OF MEAT IN TUBE FORM.
HOW OFTEN HAVE I SUNG THY PRAISES?
'TIS MY MISSION IN LIFE, IF I HAVE A MISSION,
IT WOULD APPEAR, TO WANDER TO AND FRO, HILL AND DALE,
WALK THIS EARTH LIKE DAVID CARRADINE,
SPREADING THE WORD, POINTING THE WAY
TOWARDS GLEAMING, TUMESCENT, AND ENLIGHTENING FORMS
OF MUTANT HOT DOGGERY.
THIS IS MY CALLING.
(Anthony) OH, SO THAT'S IT?
THAT'S THE--WHATEVER IT IS IN THAT--THAT PLASTIC BAG,
THAT'S--THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT?
(Zamir) IT'S MAGIC. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
SAUSAGE SHOULD BE OF, UH, NATURAL, UH, MEAT,
AND HOPEFULLY IT WON'T BE RAW.
NATURAL MEAT? AS OPPOSED TO WHAT?
A DIFFERENT KIND OF
MUTATED, UH, YOU KNOW...
YOU CAN STOP ASKING EVERYBODY IF FOOD--
IF THEIR FOOD COMES FROM CHERNOBYL, TOO.
RIGHT. I KNOW I--
I THINK THEY'RE A LITTLE SENSITIVE ABOUT THAT HERE.
I MEAN, I'M NOT FROM THESE PARTS,
BUT YOU GOTTA STOP THAT. I CAUGHT YOU WITH IT.
I--
SO THAT'S, KIND OF, THE LOCAL...
GOOD LORD.
NAPKIN. UH, SO THAT'S THE MEAL.
THANK YOU. SPASIBA.
LET'S, UH, FIND A SPOT WE COULD ENJOY IT.
SO THE--IT'S DEEP-FRIED.
VERY DEEP-FRIED...
GOOD LORD.
THE WAY YOU LIKE IT. (chuckles)
IT'S FRIED DOUGH.
LIKE A DOUGHNUT.
I'M--I'M WAITING FOR THE MEAT COMPONENT HERE.
OH, WAIT. I SEE.
THERE'S ROOM FOR TWO DOGS IN THERE.
YOU THINK SO?
IT'S LIKE GOING OUT WITH A MIDGET.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE CHASING HER AROUND UNDER THE COVERS
LOOKING FOR HER.
(chuckles) FINALLY YOU GET IT.
LITTLE PEOPLE.
AN UNDERSIZED BUT FLAVOR-PACKED WEENIE FRIED
INTO A PILLOWY, SEMI-GREASY, FLIPPER-LIKE PIÑATA OF DOUGH--
KIEV'S DRUNK-*** FOOD OPTION OF CHOICE.
IT'S LIKE A HOT DOG DOUGHNUT.
TWO OF THESE WOULD KILL PAULA DEEN.
OKAY, MAYBE NOT.
TWO OF THESE WOULD INTEREST HER GREATLY.
IT'S BASICALLY LIKE A PIG IN A BLANKET,
JUST THAT'S A BIG DOWN BLANKET.
WOW. DONE. THAT WAS QUICK.
AH. THAT'S THAT.
TILL NEXT TIME.
(Zamir) OKAY. (sighs)
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
(bird's wings flapping)
LAST DAY IN UKRAINE,
AND ZAMIR HAS A FINAL ENTREPRENEURIAL THING
HE WANTS TO EXPLORE--
AN EXCITING NEW FRANCHISE OPPORTUNITY,
A BOLD NEW CONCEPT, VERY SUCCESSFUL IN UKRAINE
AND SOMETHING AMERICA MIGHT REALLY, REALLY TAKE TO,
HE SAYS.
LET'S DO IT, BOYS.
(man speaking indistinctly over P.A.)
SO, LISTEN, I THINK, YOU'RE, LIKE, HOMESICK BY NOW,
SO LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO McFOXY STUFF.
SO POWERFUL IS THE MAGNIFICENCE,
THE UNASSAILABLE EXCELLENCE OF THE McFOXY BRAND,
AND SO ANTIQUATED AND UNPROMISING
THE TRADEMARK LAWS OF UKRAINE, THAT NOT EVEN THE DARK FORCES
OF THE EVIL FLOPPY CLOWN-SHOED ONE
DARED CHALLENGE THIS BOLD, IN-YOUR-FACE EXPRESSION
OF THE COMPETITIVE FREE-MARKET SPIRIT.
SO YOU NAME IT.
YOU HAVE, UH, FOXY BURGER--CHEESE.
OOH, McFOXY BALLS?
FOXY BALLS. IT'S CRAZY.
THAT'S SOME KOOKY-LOOKING (bleep), YO.
SO WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
WHATEVER THEIR SPECIALTY IS. THEIR--
WHAT'S THEIR MOST LUXURIOUS SANDWICH?
WHATEVER THAT IS--THE--THE--
THE BIG McFOXY.
(speaks Slavic language)
BALLS... (speaks Slavic language)
FOXY BALLS...
(speaks Slavic language)
(Zamir) THREE MINUTES, AND WE'LL BE IN PARADISE.
SO THERE THEY SIT-- CHEEK BY JOWL,
NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS, RONALD AND THE HAMBURGLAR
TRYING THEIR BEST TO NOT NOTICE WHO'S MOVED IN NEXT DOOR
AND IS DOING TERRIBLE THINGS TO THEIR YORKIE
RIGHT ON THEIR FRONT LAWN.
IT'S ALWAYS BUSY. GREAT LOCATION.
IT'S ALL ABOUT LOCATION, MAN. LIKE...
IT'S ABOUT QUALITY, ZAMIR,
AND CLEARLY, McFOXY'S HAS THAT IN SPADES.
I'M LIKING IT.
(laughs) I'M NOT LOVING IT.
I'M KIND OF EATING IT, YEAH. KIND OF DIGESTING IT.
FOOD, FOLKS, AND (bleep).
(laughs) THE CHICKEN (bleep) *** WILL HEAL YOU.
WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
THANK YOU.
(speaks Slavic language)
OKAY. I'M HUNGRY.
THAT'S A--THAT'S A BIG BAG OF (bleep) GOODNESS, MY FRIEND.
AH, WHAT DO WE HAVE?
SO THE REAL TREAT. YOU DESERVE THE BEST.
AND THOSE ARE FOXY NUGGETS?
YEAH. FOXY FRENCH FRIES.
THE BALLS.
(speaks indistinctly) BALLS.
OHH, IT'S THE FOXY BALLS.
NICELY DONE, MY GOOD MAN. YOU SHOWED EXQUISITE TASTE.
WELL, IT'S CHICKEN, TOMATO, BACON, LETTUCE, WITH A...
RATHER ASSERTIVE MUSTARD SAUCE, I HAVE TO SAY.
ALL I CAN SAY IS, OOH-LA-LA.
FOXY.
COMING TO GET YOU.
McFOXY--ONLY ONE OF A CHAIN GIVING THE EMPIRE
A STIFF MIDDLE FINGER ALL ACROSS UKRAINE.
THIS IS CAPITALISM AT ITS FINEST.
Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.