Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
who try to make friends, right, fellas?
We don't try to hang out with somebody.
"Hey, that guy looks like he'd be cool to hang out with.
"I'm going to go and say, 'Nice scarf, ***!'
Seems to be angry for some reason."
So anyway, so I knew that these guys wanted to fight.
Now as a sober guy,
we know, fellas,
that when 2 or more drunk-as-a-skunk guys
want to fight you,
the rules state you have to fight them, right?
Because that's your time to shine.
It's true. As a guy you're just like,
"Oh, man, I have never kicked anybody in the head,
"but this is going to be awesome. Hold on a second.
"Sweat pea, balance me here for a sec.
"This is just-- Hold on."
And they're just, "This guy's so fast.
"He's like a cat. What is he, a ninja?
"This is going too quick.
"This is blinding speed and I don't--
Why are we walking on a boat?"
So anyway, so these 2 guys want to fight me,
and I don't know why I thought this,
but for some reason I thought that the best thing to do
would be to pretend I actually am gay
so that for the rest of their lives
they would think that they got their *** kicked by a gay man.
So they'd be like,
"Remember that time way back when,
when that gay ninja beat the *** out of us?"
"How is this never talking about it again?"
So anyway,
so I don't know why this happened,
but I just like out of nowhere shoot this out.
The guy's like, "Nice scarf, ***."
And out of nowhere I just go, "Oh, yeah, you like the scarf?
You like the scarf? You like this, ***?"
And the guy just like, loses it and he's just like,
"Oh!
(Slurring): "You friggin' queen.
"Yeah, you want some of this?
I will mess you up."
And I don't know why,
but out of nowhere I just had like this brilliant--
Like, just one of those,
"Oh, this is a great action hero movie line,"
and I was just like-- Out of nowhere, I was just like,
"Listen up, there's only 2 things I love in this world,
"and that's riding *** and kicking ***,
and I've rid a few already so you're going down, ***."
I know. I know.
I was very proud of myself as well.
Even Schwarzenegger couldn't have delivered it better.
(Imitating Schwarzenegger): There are only 2 things in this world I love!
Riding *** and kicking--
That can't be the right line.
(In normal voice): So anyway, so I say this,
and then he's just livid and he's like,
"You're going down, ***!"
And I'm just like, "You know what? You better kick my ***.
"You know why? Because after I'm done,
"I'm going to beat the *** out of you
"and I'm going to beat the *** out of you,
"and after I'm done kicking your ***,
"I'm going to *** it. That's right.
"I'm going to *** your ***.
"So you better kill me, because you know what?
"If you don't kill me I'll come and get you.
"And you know what? I'm not even going to *** your ***
"because I think you're attractive.
"I'm just going to do it to prove a point.
"You want to know who's the alpha male?
Boo-yeah."
And it was the best thing I've ever seen in my life,
because the guy's like, "Ah!"
And his buddy just does this: "Hold on a second."
Because his buddy was like,
"This gay guy really wants us to fight and *** us.
I feel like he's done this before."
And so his buddy does one of these: his buddy just goes--
And I think he started the gears--
He was like, "This guy's really into it.
"I think we're in horrible danger.
We've drank far too much today."
And out of nowhere he just does this: he goes,
"You're lucky we got somewhere to be, ***.
Today's your lucky day." And he walks away.
And I'm just like, "Yeah, you keep walking."
And they walk away and my wife just turns to me and she goes,
"Are you out of your mind?!
They could have killed you!" And I'm just like,
"I don't know why you're yelling at me, sweat pea,
"and why you're angry with me.
"I'm walking with you and they think I'm gay.
"You should be wanting to kick their ***,
that's all I'm saying."
(Laughing and applause)
You know what?
You guys have been an absolutely fantastic crowd by the way.
Thank you very much.
(Audience applauding) You guys have been wonderful.
So, what I'm going to do for you right now--
What I'm going to do for you right now,
is I'm now going to break the world record
for most impressions in 1 minute.
The current record is 28 impressions.
I am going to do 29 impressions in 1 minute.
It's going to be awesome!
And it'll be fantastic,
but I need a volunteer from the audience.
So, does anybody here have a stopwatch?
Does anybody? One guy?
You have a stopwatch?
Do you actually have a stopwatch?
Show me the watch. Do you have the watch?
He has a stopwatch.
All right, come on up. Come on up.
(Audience clapping)
All right, and Jesus! Okay...
Now, I'm just going to say this right away.
I'm straight, but...
I will *** the *** out of you.
(Cheering)
Are you kidding me?
It's like a modelling factory just shut down.
Dear Lord, what are you... and uh, we...
You're going to have to lean into the mike.
It's like being in the movie Twilight!
Are you the werewolf or the vampire?
'Cause I have to decide if I should choose
between the jock or the emo.
So, just lean in here.
This isn't-- you're not in stranger-danger territory.
So first, what's your name?
Chris.
Into this thing.
Chris!
Chris, and what do yoo for a living, Chris?
O.
(Cheering)
All right, ladies!
What do I hear for bachelor number one?
Are you kidding m?
No.
Oh my-
Thank God I'm wearing a suit jacket, 'cause I have got--
People at home are just watching it right now.
They're going, "Who brings a roll of quarters and a sock?
"Ohhh!
That Patrick Maliha has a giant ***."
And you shave your chest, as well,
which means that if you and I were to get naked,
you would still have great ***.
You're in no danger though, Chris.
I'm not a *** man at all.
I don't like ***. I'm an *** freak.
Please don't-- Do you wax your ***?
Nope.
No, he doesn't wax, thank God!
I'm an *** man.
The only time I actually like ***
are when they're, like, pushed up together,
and they're a low-cut top
and if you walk past it at the right angle,
it looks like a sweet *** crack.
That's the only time!
Mm, plumber's convention, all right!
So, that's why you have the stopwatch,
'cause you're a firefighter
and you have to always be timing yourself
when you're doing sit-ups.
Are you kidding me?
Dear God, I feel like I'm growing a *** right now.
All right, Chris.
I'm going to do everything.
And by the way, Chris, you're doing exactly what you should.
You're just standing there, being quiet and looking pretty.
"I'm not--"
I almost said something that almost offended me.
All right!
So Chris, I ask that you stand here, please, okay?
And you're going to time me,
and I've got the list of the impressions
that I'm going to do, okay?
So, we're going to time this.
It's going to be one minute,
and I hope I can get through this
because it has been a long night,
and I am a little parched, and I'm sweating,
and it is taking everything for me not to do this.
"Do you work out?"
I like how he does the-- "Oh, I'm all shy!"
It'll be like, "How was the show, Patrick?"
"It was good!" "What happened to your eye?"
"Uh..."
It'll be one of those things where I touch him again,
and like-- "Oh, pepper spray! My old, familiar friend.
"The sweet sting of the bear spray
means that the weekend is afoot."
All right, Chris.
But you know that you're an attractive man, right?
You know that. You have to know it.
Just nod, just nod.
What, you don't know?
All right, ladies!
He doesn't know he's attractive, so girls,
if you're looking to *** a hot guy who's in a shame spiral.
All right, one woman actually said, "What is going on?"
"What is going on? My *** is just-- I don't understand!
"Oh, God, what's happening?"
Dude, do you want to talk to your mom?
She's coming to the stage.
(Audience applauding)
"I guess it's better to be coming to the stage
than coming on the stage."
Hey-oh, boom!
Boom!
All right, so I'm going to start,
and as soon as I start the first impression, and we're just--
I'm just going to do very quick.
This is just a practice. So, I'm going to start.
So, it'll be Stewie Griffin. "What the--"
Okay, so we got it down.
Okay, so, all right, here we go. All righty, here we go.
I *** hope this works.
If this doesn't work, it's a lot of build-up for--
"And he didn't do it! And then, we went home."
So, here we go, here we go.
29 impressions, 1 minute.
Stewie, Cleveland:
"What the deuce?" "That's nasty."
Homer Simpson, Barney, Otto:
"Ooh, impressions!" "I really like that!"
"Hey there, little Bart dude!"
Ray Romano, Brad Garrett: "What's going on?"
"So far, been a whole lot of nothing."
Cheech and Chong, Beavis and Butthead:
"Hey man, what's going on?" "This guy's doing impressions."
"Heh-heh-heh." "Yeah, yeah, he's doing the impressions."
Seinfeld and Kramer:
"Why is this the one thing--?" "Pfft, yeah!"
Bill Cosby, Hank Hill:
"This is one kind of--" "Bobby, what are you doing?"
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Elmo:
"Kermie, Kermie!" "What is it, Piggy?"
"Elmo thinks you're in love with a pig! Ha!"
Borat, Barack Obama: "Yak *** mash!" "Hello?"
Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan:
"Tracy!" "I'm surrounded by white people!"
Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro: "Ha, hoo-ah!" "Neither or!"
Shrek and Donkey:
"Donkey, hurry it up!" "I'm just going as fast as I can, Shrek."
Mike Myers and Dana Carvey:
"Sha, this is going well."
"I really liked the impressions at the end."
55 seconds!
(Audience cheering)
Ah, thank you!
Oh, one man, thank you!
One man is standing.
The reset of you are like, "I'm comfortable!"
No, oh, really?
This is unnatural.
Thank you very much! Thank you.
Uh, by the way, I forgot to say, as I was rushing through those,
I didn't have the time to say it, but I will say this.
I didn't say every impression would be good.
You know what, ladies and gentlemen?
This has been one of the greatest nights of my life,
and all of you have been part of it, and I thank you for it.
And you've been beautiful, and for that I thank you.
You've been wonderful.
Have yourselves a beautiful night. Good night.
(Cheering and applause)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Patrick Maliha.
♪♪