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It's day 43 in the wilderness. I've been separated from my party.
Oh, wait. There they are!
[static]
[dramatic music]
[glass shattering]
Greetings, people of the internet! So, today we are in the Angeles National Forest.
If you've been watching for a while, you know my friend David.
DAVID: Hi. Good to see you again. LISA: I'm Lisa.
AARON: Yeah, that's Lisa. Up ahead, you know Patrick. Say hi, Patrick!
AARON: Whoa! That is a HUGE rock I just tripped over!
Perhaps I should pay more attention to the hike than the camera, but oh well.
And last, but not least, on our journey is Chris up there.
CHRIS: Hello. AARON: And, uh, to tell us where we're hiking
to... David? DAVID: Well, we are hiking to-- I call it
the tunnel that goes to nowhere. It may have a more official name than that, but I haven't
really come across it. The story goes that in the 1960s this was
being built as part of a possible escape route in the event of thermonuclear war.
Or probably just nuclear war, too. AARON: Apparently the built the tunnel, but
not the road, because this is one rocky piece of ***.
[laughter] DAVID: The version I read was that they were
building the road, but the budget either got used up or got pulled. So, they got about--I've
heard--about four miles in building two tunnels and then stopped.
So, they're the tunnels that go to nowhere. And we found some gold. Not really, it's pyrite,
but if you're a fool, it's gold. AARON: But most importantly, we found the
first tunnel to nowhere. DAVID: That's an impressive looking tunnel.
So, part of the tunnel has some metal--what would you call these? These aren't trusses.
LISA: Scaffolding. AARON: Scaffolding? Metal scaffolding. But then there's just rock.
DAVID: [evil voice] You've come to my abode, never to escape! [evil laugh]
AARON: Shine your light over on that.
PATRICK: Someone painted "hate" over it. AARON: Here, so we actually take a look at
that, those are actually little tiles. DAVID: Okay, this tunnel was built in the
60s. I think that's why they have the word love in tiles.
DAVID: Okay, wait a second. I want to get-- AARON: Whoa! Augh!
I found another rock! And we come to the end of the first tunnel.
PATRICK: Hey, guys. Come see the second tunnel. AARON: Where is it? Way up-- whoa!
CHRIS: I need to leave the group now. Head back to the land of civilization. And I will
do my best to avoid your friends, the rocks. AARON: With how much they're hanging around,
I think they're family. They're trying to kill me, just like my family!
Now, if you've turned into a zombie, do you want us to shoot you in the head?
CHRIS: Well, I don't know. Do you want to be my zombie family?
PATRICK: We could start a new skid row up here.
LISA: I do not want to be a zombie. DAVID: You see, the problem is, if I die I
think I might lose my right to vote. And that's really important to me.
LISA: Only if you have a death certificate. CHRIS: That's true.
DAVID: That's true, if I don't legally die. CHRIS: And if you're undead.
LISA: I wonder if it's a felony not to file a death certificate if you're dead. You know.
AARON: I don't think normally you have control over that.
LISA: No, no, no, but I mean-- DAVID: But they can't try a dead person for
a crime. The other thing is, if you were dead, I could
be like, 'you totally stole something from me.' And you'd be like, 'that's slander!'
And I'd be like, 'Ha! You can't slander the dead.'
LISA: You can not slander the dead. AARON: But you can speak ill will of the dead.
DAVID: You can, but it's rude. AARON: And these are the conversations we
have in the land called nowhere. DAVID: We are officially nowhere. In fact,
if you pull out a GPS-- LISA: Ta-da!
DAVID: --it doesn't even come up with zeros. It just comes up with a null symbol for both
North and East/West. CHRIS: What do you mean? Where are we in terms
of North/West right now? We're at zero-zero? DAVID: We are nowhere. Cause this is the tunnel
to nowhere. We are no nowhere. We've gone off the grid.
PATRICK: Cool. The Twilight Zone! AARON: It's like going through a magic wardrobe.
DAVID: There be dragons. We're at the end of the map.
CHRIS: That is awesome. Although, it is mapped because there are coordinate points to here.
DAVID: There absolutely are coordinate points, but I'm saying they are null and null.
PATRICK: When you go back through the tunnel, you'll enter the Enchanted Forest. You'll
no longer be in the desert. CHRIS: So, the coordinate points I took to
get us here? DAVID: Those, I believe, are the coordinate
points to that end of the tunnel, I believe. CHRIS: That entrance? And so now we are officially
nowhere? DAVID: I say so, yes. We are nowhere.
LISA: [sings] Nowhere... DAVID: Not far from the bridge to nowhere.
CHRIS: I'm finally home! I made it home! DAVID: And my college counselor said I wouldn't
get anywhere? I got nowhere. LISA: Wait. So, now where we've gone nowhere,
where's next? CHRIS: Beyond nowhere, back to somewhere?
DAVID: Uh, I don't know. PATRICK: Tunnel to nowhere, tunnel to somewhere.
DAVID: Is this like a mobius strip? Do you come out the other side where you began?
PATRICK: You come out the other side cleansed. [laughter]
AARON: So, this is a religious experience. DAVID: Totally. You can never escape nowhere.
CHRIS: Lost. We've just--yeah--this is how they invented Lost.
AARON: It's like those forests in Legend of Zelda that you have to go, like, up, up, down,
left, right. LISA: Have a good, safe drive. Don't turn
into a zombie. AARON: I know I said this in my last video
when I was up in Lake Arrowhead, but the scenery out here is beautiful. It's always nice to
get out of the city, get out into the wilderness for a little bit of fresh air.
And there it is. There's the next tunnel. DAVID: I was saying we just dedicate our journey
to the men and women--mainly men-- LISA: Mainly men. Probably prison men.
DAVID: Probably prisoners who built this tunnel just to have it all end up being a hiking
diversion. LISA: Which I thought was quite Kafka-esque.
DAVID: It is. There's something about all the various papers and triplicate that I'm
sure were filed to construct this in the 60s. All on paper, no email.
LISA: So much existential crisis went into this.
DAVID: It is literally like a sisyphean undertaking cause, 'we built this tunnel, we got four
miles in and we're done. It's done.' AARON: Did they build this tunnel for rock
and roll? DAVID: [singing] We built this tunnel.
DAVID & LISA: [singing] We built this tunnel for rock and roll!
DAVID: We built this tunnel out of rocks and... LISA: ...soil.
DAVID & LISA: [singing] We built this tunnel. We built this tunnel with rocks and soil.
[laughter] AARON: You two are super dorks.
[laughter] AARON: Which, luckily, those are the types
of dorks I like. The construction on this tunnel is very similar
to the other one. We've got the-- LISA: Quite the same, actually.
AARON: Yeah. Metal, support structure, and then just sections of rock.
[AARON screaming]
AARON: We were noticing that this tunnel doesn't
echo the same way as the other one was. PATRICK: A photograph. Who was that?
LISA: Taken on 7-16-12. H and P. I don't know which one is which.
DAVID: I feel like I need to take a picture of the picture. So, it's been here--or at
least was taken--two years ago. Someone is still taking pictures and printing
them out on paper. How very 20th century. [laughter]
DAVID: I don't think past this tank we're going to get very far.
LISA: Well, we got to the tank. DAVID: We got the nowhere tank.
LISA: This is what's at the end of all of it is a tank. It's like, 'well, we give up.
***.' PATRICK: I don't think you could get up there.
LISA: Get on it? I can get on it. PATRICK: No. I don't think so.
LISA: Yeah, from the back. DAVID: I wouldn't want you to cut yourself.
AARON: This has the potential to be a very bad idea. I'm in.
DAVID: Or an awesome one. LISA: Ooh, slippery! Ha!
PATRICK: Good? LISA: Yeah.
AARON: Alright, I guess I gotta get down there to get a nice video of this.
AARON: Tell the world who you are. LISA: My name is Elisabeth Aultman and I am
at the end of the tunnel to nowhere. I am beyond nowhere and, um, at the end of everything
there is a corroded water container on its side.
AARON: Do you feel like you're on top of the world?
LISA: I feel like I'm at the end of the world. DAVID: We found an abandoned tank. Which sounds--actually
kinda cool. LISA: Yeah.
PATRICK: It's a World War II. LISA: Oh, it's also super hot!
DAVID: We're going to cook some *** in here later. No, we're not.
DAVID: [dramatically with music playing] One man. Another man. And a third man. And a woman.
AARON: [high-pitched] Boomp-boomp-booooomp! [LISA squeals]
DAVID: In a tank. In a world of abandoned tunnels and highway projects. Deep in the
heart-ish of the Angeles National Forest. Elisabeth Aultman.
David August. Patrick Downey.
Aaron Matthew Kaiser. [AARON screams]
DAVID: In 'Budget Underrun' [laughter]
DAVID: Oh, that's kinda cool! PATRICK: Every kid should have one of these
at home! AARON: A bent rebar? That could impale them
to death? PATRICK: Why spend thousands of dollars on
a tree hut or a playground or swings? When you can get your kids their very own rebar!
[laughs] LISA: It's rebar-tacular!
DAVID: Do you not want to spend hundreds of dollars, tens of dollars, or ones of dollars
on your exercise system? Well, come out to nowhere and you can do extremely dangerous
bouncing up and down on fifty year old rebar! Risks may include: death, laceration, impalement,
and disappointment. [LISA laughs]
AARON: It's so fun, even kids can do it! Whoa! ***! [laughs] Maybe not.
PATRICK: I'm Patrick Downey and I'm going to take you through the next twenty minutes
of rebar fitness. Are you ready? Get your rebar and let's get started.
LISA: Okay! PATRICK: When I started this, I was 250 pounds
twenty minutes ago. Now look at me!
[sci-fi music being hummed]
AARON: We are exiting the initial tunnel. PATRICK: Or are we?
AARON: Or are we? Did we just enter a time loop?
Do we want to have a moment of silence for finishing the two tunnels?
LISA: No, I want to finish my conversation. AARON: What? So mean.
LISA: We can have a moment of silence. PATRICK: Finish your conversation.
AARON: I was kidding about the moment of silence. LISA: I was kidding about finishing the conversation.
AARON: Yeah, cause you don't like David, really. LISA: Hate David.
DAVID: Clearly all hate each other. LISA: God. Why would I come here?
AARON: I don't know. LISA: For no reason.
AARON: Well, you heard I was going to be here. LISA: Oh, that's what it was. Yeah, cause
you're super famous and I follow all your future videos. You should follow this guy
on--I don't know his username--you should follow this guy on YouTube.
[AARON trips] AARON: There's another rock! Damn it! That's
like-- DAVID: You might actually have three sequences
of rock tripping now. AARON: What was your favorite part of this
hike? DAVID: Probably the people, the company.
AARON: Except for Lisa. LISA: I'm a ***.
DAVID: We gotta call roadside assistance to get my keys. A little, like, slim jim in the
side. Get us back in, get this puppy underway again.
AARON: So, this bulldozer we saw early on in the hike. So, that means we're almost done.
PATRICK: Yup. AARON: Anyone want to go again?
PATRICK: Nope. DAVID: Not today. But we'll probably be back
at some point.