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Good day ladies and man-children. In this world, there is good information and mis-information.
I am here today to dispel a few myths. Here follow four myths about Santa Claus. Number
one: We've all heard the song right? "He's making his list, and checking it twice". Well,
that's somewhat of an exaggeration. I mean, yes, he is making his list, but he's hardly
checking it twice with there being 7 billion people in the world and all. And have you
seen how long some of those names are? Let's not be ridiculous! Number two: Another misconception
created by popular media, is that his helper elves are really short. Therefore it's time
I reveal that they are neither elves, nor are they short. They are in fact, giants. Really, tiny, tiny giants.
Number three: Saint Nick no-longer eats the cookies put out for him on Christmas Eve. Not since his wife put him
on that diet, no. But do not feel dejected. He does, however, still use the cookies as a
propellent for his sleigh, which -- you'd be interested to know -- is partially cookie-powered,
and has a terrible mile-to-the-cookie ratio. So keep it up kids, Santa is counting on you.
And finally, number four: It is time we address the age-old question that have plagued man-kind
for centuries. How does Saint Nick get down our chimneys? Santa is often depicted landing
smack on his bottom, having just slid down a chimney so narrow a supermodel on a diet
couldn't squeeze through it. Naturally, this depiction is inaccurate. What he really does,
is he gets inside his bag, containing all the presents -- which, as you should know,
is bigger on the inside. Then has one of his reindeer lower him down so he can deliver
the presents, before getting in the bag once more to be hoisted back up the chimney so
as to go on his jolly way.