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*Jon reads words on screen*
Hey there, Conan! My name's Jonathan, and I'm from Quincy, Massachusetts. And THIS is the worst car in America!
What the hell is THIS?!
See these headlights here? Yeah, sure, they LOOK good!
Under the hood, don't even get me started! I'm not even sure there's an engine in there!
Oh, look at this! Oh, jeez! Oh, there goes your car registration over the middle of the highway!
It looks like an ordinary trunk, but what most trunks don't have is THIS: this is a trash bag filled with the microwaved remains of plastic toys!
Why do I have microwaved plastic in my car? Well, I have a very interesting profession, Conan. Do you know what microwaved plastic smells like? Of course you don't! You're normal!
The only way to get rid of this smell is to just blow it up!
Back in 1993, power windows were state of the art, so, of course, I still have these hand-crank things here. The good news is, though, that if I ever drive into a river, you know, I can still get out!
You see the odometer here? It says 82,000 miles on it? There's no place for the one-hundreds column, so that could be 682,000 miles! I have no [beep]in' clue!
I'm not even sure what this does, but I'm pretty sure it's asbestos!
These lights are supposed to go on. The lights on THAT one go on, but not on this one!
Just a couple of months ago, I had something hanging down here. I didn't know what it was. I just ignored it.
A couple of weeks later, it just ripped off when I hit somethin'! Problem solved, am I right?
This car sucks!
This scrape here? It's black. So, that's probably from the time I hit that black pole in the parking lot.
You see this green on the inside of my bumper? I've never owned a green car! Where did that paint come from?!
Conan, please blow up my car! I probably should not be standing on this!
This one up here is a little more gray. That's probably from the OTHER parking lot pole I've hit!
This car has a lotta damage on it, but it's cool, 'cause insurance pays for it all!
Oh, look at this helpful sticker: "Next service due." Too bad I can't read WHEN!
See this blinking light on my radio, Conan? I don't even know what that's for! My car doesn't have a security system, and that's not foolin' anybody!
You see these? These are pine needles! This is August! There's no pine trees here! How long have those been in my car?!