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CHAPTER 11
Lily, lingering for a moment on the corner, looked out on the afternoon spectacle of
Fifth Avenue. It was a day in late April, and the
sweetness of spring was in the air.
It mitigated the ugliness of the long crowded thoroughfare, blurred the gaunt
roof-lines, threw a mauve veil over the discouraging perspective of the side
streets, and gave a touch of poetry to the
delicate haze of green that marked the entrance to the Park.
As Lily stood there, she recognized several familiar faces in the passing carriages.
The season was over, and its ruling forces had disbanded; but a few still lingered,
delaying their departure for Europe, or passing through town on their return from
the South.
Among them was Mrs. Van Osburgh, swaying majestically in her C-spring barouche, with
Mrs. Percy Gryce at her side, and the new heir to the Gryce millions enthroned before
them on his nurse's knees.
They were succeeded by Mrs. Hatch's electric victoria, in which that lady
reclined in the lonely splendour of a spring toilet obviously designed for
company; and a moment or two later came
Judy Trenor, accompanied by Lady Skiddaw, who had come over for her annual tarpon
fishing and a dip into "the street."
This fleeting glimpse of her past served to emphasize the sense of aimlessness with
which Lily at length turned toward home.
She had nothing to do for the rest of the day, nor for the days to come; for the
season was over in millinery as well as in society, and a week earlier Mme. Regina had
notified her that her services were no longer required.
Mme. Regina always reduced her staff on the first of May, and Miss Bart's attendance
had of late been so irregular--she had so often been unwell, and had done so little
work when she came--that it was only as a
favour that her dismissal had hitherto been deferred.
Lily did not question the justice of the decision.
She was conscious of having been forgetful, awkward and slow to learn.
It was bitter to acknowledge her inferiority even to herself, but the fact
had been brought home to her that as a bread-winner she could never compete with
professional ability.
Since she had been brought up to be ornamental, she could hardly blame herself
for failing to serve any practical purpose; but the discovery put an end to her
consoling sense of universal efficiency.
As she turned homeward her thoughts shrank in anticipation from the fact that there
would be nothing to get up for the next morning.
The luxury of lying late in bed was a pleasure belonging to the life of ease; it
had no part in the utilitarian existence of the boarding-house.
She liked to leave her room early, and to return to it as late as possible; and she
was walking slowly now in order to postpone the detested approach to her doorstep.
But the doorstep, as she drew near it, acquired a sudden interest from the fact
that it was occupied--and indeed filled--by the conspicuous figure of Mr. Rosedale,
whose presence seemed to take on an added
amplitude from the meanness of his surroundings.
The sight stirred Lily with an irresistible sense of triumph.
Rosedale, a day or two after their chance meeting, had called to enquire if she had
recovered from her indisposition; but since then she had not seen or heard from him,
and his absence seemed to betoken a
struggle to keep away, to let her pass once more out of his life.
If this were the case, his return showed that the struggle had been unsuccessful,
for Lily knew he was not the man to waste his time in an ineffectual sentimental
dalliance.
He was too busy, too practical, and above all too much preoccupied with his own
advancement, to indulge in such unprofitable asides.
In the peacock-blue parlour, with its bunches of dried pampas grass, and
discoloured steel engravings of sentimental episodes, he looked about him with
unconcealed disgust, laying his hat
distrustfully on the dusty console adorned with a Rogers statuette.
Lily sat down on one of the plush and rosewood sofas, and he deposited himself in
a rocking-chair draped with a starched antimacassar which scraped unpleasantly
against the pink fold of skin above his collar.
"My goodness--you can't go on living here!" he exclaimed.
Lily smiled at his tone.
"I am not sure that I can; but I have gone over my expenses very carefully, and I
rather think I shall be able to manage it." "Be able to manage it?
That's not what I mean--it's no place for you!"
"It's what I mean; for I have been out of work for the last week."
"Out of work--out of work!
What a way for you to talk! The idea of your having to work--it's
preposterous."
He brought out his sentences in short violent jerks, as though they were forced
up from a deep inner crater of indignation.
"It's a farce--a crazy farce," he repeated, his eyes fixed on the long vista of the
room reflected in the blotched glass between the windows.
Lily continued to meet his expostulations with a smile.
"I don't know why I should regard myself as an exception----" she began.
"Because you ARE; that's why; and your being in a place like this is a damnable
outrage. I can't talk of it calmly."
She had in truth never seen him so shaken out of his usual glibness; and there was
something almost moving to her in his inarticulate struggle with his emotions.
He rose with a start which left the rocking-chair quivering on its beam ends,
and placed himself squarely before her.
"Look here, Miss Lily, I'm going to Europe next week: going over to Paris and London
for a couple of months--and I can't leave you like this.
I can't do it.
I know it's none of my business--you've let me understand that often enough; but things
are worse with you now than they have been before, and you must see that you've got to
accept help from somebody.
You spoke to me the other day about some debt to Trenor.
I know what you mean--and I respect you for feeling as you do about it."
A blush of surprise rose to Lily's pale face, but before she could interrupt him he
had continued eagerly: "Well, I'll lend you the money to pay Trenor; and I won't--I--
see here, don't take me up till I've finished.
What I mean is, it'll be a plain business arrangement, such as one man would make
with another.
Now, what have you got to say against that?"
Lily's blush deepened to a glow in which humiliation and gratitude were mingled; and
both sentiments revealed themselves in the unexpected gentleness of her reply.
"Only this: that it is exactly what Gus Trenor proposed; and that I can never again
be sure of understanding the plainest business arrangement."
Then, realizing that this answer contained a germ of injustice, she added, even more
kindly: "Not that I don't appreciate your kindness--that I'm not grateful for it.
But a business arrangement between us would in any case be impossible, because I shall
have no security to give when my debt to Gus Trenor has been paid."
Rosedale received this statement in silence: he seemed to feel the note of
finality in her voice, yet to be unable to accept it as closing the question between
them.
In the silence Lily had a clear perception of what was passing through his mind.
Whatever perplexity he felt as to the inexorableness of her course--however
little he penetrated its motive--she saw that it unmistakably tended to strengthen
her hold over him.
It was as though the sense in her of unexplained scruples and resistances had
the same attraction as the delicacy of feature, the fastidiousness of manner,
which gave her an external rarity, an air of being impossible to match.
As he advanced in social experience this uniqueness had acquired a greater value for
him, as though he were a collector who had learned to distinguish minor differences of
design and quality in some long-coveted object.
Lily, perceiving all this, understood that he would marry her at once, on the sole
condition of a reconciliation with Mrs. Dorset; and the temptation was the less
easy to put aside because, little by
little, circumstances were breaking down her dislike for Rosedale.
The dislike, indeed, still subsisted; but it was penetrated here and there by the
perception of mitigating qualities in him: of a certain gross kindliness, a rather
helpless fidelity of sentiment, which
seemed to be struggling through the hard surface of his material ambitions.
Reading his dismissal in her eyes, he held out his hand with a gesture which conveyed
something of this inarticulate conflict.
"If you'd only let me, I'd set you up over them all--I'd put you where you could wipe
your feet on 'em!" he declared; and it touched her oddly to see that his new
passion had not altered his old standard of values.
Lily took no sleeping-drops that night.
She lay awake viewing her situation in the crude light which Rosedale's visit had shed
on it.
In fending off the offer he was so plainly ready to renew, had she not sacrificed to
one of those abstract notions of honour that might be called the conventionalities
of the moral life?
What debt did she owe to a social order which had condemned and banished her
without trial?
She had never been heard in her own defence; she was innocent of the charge on
which she had been found guilty; and the irregularity of her conviction might seem
to justify the use of methods as irregular in recovering her lost rights.
Bertha Dorset, to save herself, had not scrupled to ruin her by an open falsehood;
why should she hesitate to make private use of the facts that chance had put in her
way?
After all, half the opprobrium of such an act lies in the name attached to it.
Call it blackmail and it becomes unthinkable; but explain that it injures no
one, and that the rights regained by it were unjustly forfeited, and he must be a
formalist indeed who can find no plea in its defence.
The arguments pleading for it with Lily were the old unanswerable ones of the
personal situation: the sense of injury, the sense of failure, the passionate
craving for a fair chance against the selfish despotism of society.
She had learned by experience that she had neither the aptitude nor the moral
constancy to remake her life on new lines; to become a worker among workers, and let
the world of luxury and pleasure sweep by her unregarded.
She could not hold herself much to blame for this ineffectiveness, and she was
perhaps less to blame than she believed.
Inherited tendencies had combined with early training to make her the highly
specialized product she was: an organism as helpless out of its narrow range as the
sea-anemone torn from the rock.
She had been fashioned to adorn and delight; to what other end does nature
round the rose-leaf and paint the humming- bird's breast?
And was it her fault that the purely decorative mission is less easily and
harmoniously fulfilled among social beings than in the world of nature?
That it is apt to be hampered by material necessities or complicated by moral
scruples?
These last were the two antagonistic forces which fought out their battle in her breast
during the long watches of the night; and when she rose the next morning she hardly
knew where the victory lay.
She was exhausted by the reaction of a night without sleep, coming after many
nights of rest artificially obtained; and in the distorting light of fatigue the
future stretched out before her grey, interminable and desolate.
She lay late in bed, refusing the coffee and fried eggs which the friendly Irish
servant thrust through her door, and hating the intimate domestic noises of the house
and the cries and rumblings of the street.
Her week of idleness had brought home to her with exaggerated force these small
aggravations of the boarding-house world, and she yearned for that other luxurious
world, whose machinery is so carefully
concealed that one scene flows into another without perceptible agency.
At length she rose and dressed.
Since she had left Mme. Regina's she had spent her days in the streets, partly to
escape from the uncongenial promiscuities of the boarding-house, and partly in the
hope that physical fatigue would help her to sleep.
But once out of the house, she could not decide where to go; for she had avoided
Gerty since her dismissal from the milliner's, and she was not sure of a
welcome anywhere else.
The morning was in harsh contrast to the previous day.
A cold grey sky threatened rain, and a high wind drove the dust in wild spirals up and
down the streets.
Lily walked up Fifth Avenue toward the Park, hoping to find a sheltered nook where
she might sit; but the wind chilled her, and after an hour's wandering under the
tossing boughs she yielded to her
increasing weariness, and took refuge in a little restaurant in Fifty-ninth Street.
She was not hungry, and had meant to go without luncheon; but she was too tired to
return home, and the long perspective of white tables showed alluringly through the
windows.
The room was full of women and girls, all too much engaged in the rapid absorption of
tea and pie to remark her entrance.
A hum of shrill voices reverberated against the low ceiling, leaving Lily shut out in a
little circle of silence. She felt a sudden pang of profound
loneliness.
She had lost the sense of time, and it seemed to her as though she had not spoken
to any one for days.
Her eyes sought the faces about her, craving a responsive glance, some sign of
an intuition of her trouble.
But the sallow preoccupied women, with their bags and note-books and rolls of
music, were all engrossed in their own affairs, and even those who sat by
themselves were busy running over proof-
sheets or devouring magazines between their hurried gulps of tea.
Lily alone was stranded in a great waste of disoccupation.
She drank several cups of the tea which was served with her portion of stewed oysters,
and her brain felt clearer and livelier when she emerged once more into the street.
She realized now that, as she sat in the restaurant, she had unconsciously arrived
at a final decision.
The discovery gave her an immediate illusion of activity: it was exhilarating
to think that she had actually a reason for hurrying home.
To prolong her enjoyment of the sensation she decided to walk; but the distance was
so great that she found herself glancing nervously at the clocks on the way.
One of the surprises of her unoccupied state was the discovery that time, when it
is left to itself and no definite demands are made on it, cannot be trusted to move
at any recognized pace.
Usually it loiters; but just when one has come to count upon its slowness, it may
suddenly break into a wild irrational gallop.
She found, however, on reaching home, that the hour was still early enough for her to
sit down and rest a few minutes before putting her plan into execution.
The delay did not perceptibly weaken her resolve.
She was frightened and yet stimulated by the reserved force of resolution which she
felt within herself: she saw it was going to be easier, a great deal easier, than she
had imagined.
At five o'clock she rose, unlocked her trunk, and took out a sealed packet which
she slipped into the *** of her dress.
Even the contact with the packet did not shake her nerves as she had half-expected
it would.
She seemed encased in a strong armour of indifference, as though the vigorous
exertion of her will had finally benumbed her finer sensibilities.
She dressed herself once more for the street, locked her door and went out.
When she emerged on the pavement, the day was still high, but a threat of rain
darkened the sky and cold gusts shook the signs projecting from the basement shops
along the street.
She reached Fifth Avenue and began to walk slowly northward.
She was sufficiently familiar with Mrs. Dorset's habits to know that she could
always be found at home after five.
She might not, indeed, be accessible to visitors, especially to a visitor so
unwelcome, and against whom it was quite possible that she had guarded herself by
special orders; but Lily had written a note
which she meant to send up with her name, and which she thought would secure her
admission.
She had allowed herself time to walk to Mrs. Dorset's, thinking that the quick
movement through the cold evening air would help to steady her nerves; but she really
felt no need of being tranquillized.
Her survey of the situation remained calm and unwavering.
As she reached Fiftieth Street the clouds broke abruptly, and a rush of cold rain
slanted into her face.
She had no umbrella and the moisture quickly penetrated her thin spring dress.
She was still half a mile from her destination, and she decided to walk across
to Madison Avenue and take the electric car.
As she turned into the side street, a vague memory stirred in her.
The row of budding trees, the new brick and limestone house-fronts, the Georgian flat-
house with flowerboxes on its balconies, were merged together into the setting of a
familiar scene.
It was down this street that she had walked with Selden, that September day two years
ago; a few yards ahead was the doorway they had entered together.
The recollection loosened a throng of benumbed sensations--longings, regrets,
imaginings, the throbbing brood of the only spring her heart had ever known.
It was strange to find herself passing his house on such an errand.
She seemed suddenly to see her action as he would see it--and the fact of his own
connection with it, the fact that, to attain her end, she must trade on his name,
and profit by a secret of his past, chilled her blood with shame.
What a long way she had travelled since the day of their first talk together!
Even then her feet had been set in the path she was now following--even then she had
resisted the hand he had held out.
All her resentment of his fancied coldness was swept away in this overwhelming rush of
recollection.
Twice he had been ready to help her--to help her by loving her, as he had said--and
if, the third time, he had seemed to fail her, whom but herself could she accuse?...
Well, that part of her life was over; she did not know why her thoughts still clung
to it.
But the sudden longing to see him remained; it grew to hunger as she paused on the
pavement opposite his door. The street was dark and empty, swept by the
rain.
She had a vision of his quiet room, of the bookshelves, and the fire on the hearth.
She looked up and saw a light in his window; then she crossed the street and
entered the house.
>
CHAPTER 12
The library looked as she had pictured it.
The green-shaded lamps made tranquil circles of light in the gathering dusk, a
little fire flickered on the hearth, and Selden's easy-chair, which stood near it,
had been pushed aside when he rose to admit her.
He had checked his first movement of surprise, and stood silent, waiting for her
to speak, while she paused a moment on the threshold, assailed by a rush of memories.
The scene was unchanged.
She recognized the row of shelves from which he had taken down his La Bruyere, and
the worn arm of the chair he had leaned against while she examined the precious
volume.
But then the wide September light had filled the room, making it seem a part of
the outer world: now the shaded lamps and the warm hearth, detaching it from the
gathering darkness of the street, gave it a sweeter touch of intimacy.
Becoming gradually aware of the surprise under Selden's silence, Lily turned to him
and said simply: "I came to tell you that I was sorry for the way we parted--for what I
said to you that day at Mrs. Hatch's."
The words rose to her lips spontaneously.
Even on her way up the stairs, she had not thought of preparing a pretext for her
visit, but she now felt an intense longing to dispel the cloud of misunderstanding
that hung between them.
Selden returned her look with a smile. "I was sorry too that we should have parted
in that way; but I am not sure I didn't bring it on myself.
Luckily I had foreseen the risk I was taking----"
"So that you really didn't care----?" broke from her with a flash of her old irony.
"So that I was prepared for the consequences," he corrected good-
humouredly. "But we'll talk of all this later.
Do come and sit by the fire.
I can recommend that arm-chair, if you'll let me put a cushion behind you."
While he spoke she had moved slowly to the middle of the room, and paused near his
writing-table, where the lamp, striking upward, cast exaggerated shadows on the
pallour of her delicately-hollowed face.
"You look tired--do sit down," he repeated gently.
She did not seem to hear the request.
"I wanted you to know that I left Mrs. Hatch immediately after I saw you," she
said, as though continuing her confession. "Yes--yes; I know," he assented, with a
rising tinge of embarrassment.
"And that I did so because you told me to.
Before you came I had already begun to see that it would be impossible to remain with
her--for the reasons you gave me; but I wouldn't admit it--I wouldn't let you see
that I understood what you meant."
"Ah, I might have trusted you to find your own way out--don't overwhelm me with the
sense of my officiousness!"
His light tone, in which, had her nerves been steadier, she would have recognized
the mere effort to bridge over an awkward moment, jarred on her passionate desire to
be understood.
In her strange state of extra-lucidity, which gave her the sense of being already
at the heart of the situation, it seemed incredible that any one should think it
necessary to linger in the conventional outskirts of word-play and evasion.
"It was not that--I was not ungrateful," she insisted.
But the power of expression failed her suddenly; she felt a tremor in her throat,
and two tears gathered and fell slowly from her eyes.
Selden moved forward and took her hand.
"You are very tired. Why won't you sit down and let me make you
comfortable?" He drew her to the arm-chair near the fire,
and placed a cushion behind her shoulders.
"And now you must let me make you some tea: you know I always have that amount of
hospitality at my command." She shook her head, and two more tears ran
over.
But she did not weep easily, and the long habit of self-control reasserted itself,
though she was still too tremulous to speak.
"You know I can coax the water to boil in five minutes," Selden continued, speaking
as though she were a troubled child.
His words recalled the vision of that other afternoon when they had sat together over
his tea-table and talked jestingly of her future.
There were moments when that day seemed more remote than any other event in her
life; and yet she could always relive it in its minutest detail.
She made a gesture of refusal.
"No: I drink too much tea. I would rather sit quiet--I must go in a
moment," she added confusedly. Selden continued to stand near her, leaning
against the mantelpiece.
The tinge of constraint was beginning to be more distinctly perceptible under the
friendly ease of his manner.
Her self-absorption had not allowed her to perceive it at first; but now that her
consciousness was once more putting forth its eager feelers, she saw that her
presence was becoming an embarrassment to him.
Such a situation can be saved only by an immediate outrush of feeling; and on
Selden's side the determining impulse was still lacking.
The discovery did not disturb Lily as it might once have done.
She had passed beyond the phase of well- bred reciprocity, in which every
demonstration must be scrupulously proportioned to the emotion it elicits, and
generosity of feeling is the only ostentation condemned.
But the sense of loneliness returned with redoubled force as she saw herself forever
shut out from Selden's inmost self.
She had come to him with no definite purpose; the mere longing to see him had
directed her; but the secret hope she had carried with her suddenly revealed itself
in its death-pang.
"I must go," she repeated, making a motion to rise from her chair.
"But I may not see you again for a long time, and I wanted to tell you that I have
never forgotten the things you said to me at Bellomont, and that sometimes--sometimes
when I seemed farthest from remembering
them--they have helped me, and kept me from mistakes; kept me from really becoming what
many people have thought me."
Strive as she would to put some order in her thoughts, the words would not come more
clearly; yet she felt that she could not leave him without trying to make him
understand that she had saved herself whole from the seeming ruin of her life.
A change had come over Selden's face as she spoke.
Its guarded look had yielded to an expression still untinged by personal
emotion, but full of a gentle understanding.
"I am glad to have you tell me that; but nothing I have said has really made the
difference. The difference is in yourself--it will
always be there.
And since it IS there, it can't really matter to you what people think: you are so
sure that your friends will always understand you."
"Ah, don't say that--don't say that what you have told me has made no difference.
It seems to shut me out--to leave me all alone with the other people."
She had risen and stood before him, once more completely mastered by the inner
urgency of the moment. The consciousness of his half-divined
reluctance had vanished.
Whether he wished it or not, he must see her wholly for once before they parted.
Her voice had gathered strength, and she looked him gravely in the eyes as she
continued.
"Once--twice--you gave me the chance to escape from my life, and I refused it:
refused it because I was a coward.
Afterward I saw my mistake--I saw I could never be happy with what had contented me
before. But it was too late: you had judged me--I
understood.
It was too late for happiness--but not too late to be helped by the thought of what I
had missed. That is all I have lived on--don't take it
from me now!
Even in my worst moments it has been like a little light in the darkness.
Some women are strong enough to be good by themselves, but I needed the help of your
belief in me.
Perhaps I might have resisted a great temptation, but the little ones would have
pulled me down.
And then I remembered--I remembered your saying that such a life could never satisfy
me; and I was ashamed to admit to myself that it could.
That is what you did for me--that is what I wanted to thank you for.
I wanted to tell you that I have always remembered; and that I have tried--tried
hard ..."
She broke off suddenly. Her tears had risen again, and in drawing
out her handkerchief her fingers touched the packet in the folds of her dress.
A wave of colour suffused her, and the words died on her lips.
Then she lifted her eyes to his and went on in an altered voice.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person.
I can hardly be said to have an independent existence.
I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped
out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else.
What can one do when one finds that one only fits into one hole?
One must get back to it or be thrown out into the rubbish heap--and you don't know
what it's like in the rubbish heap!"
Her lips wavered into a smile--she had been distracted by the whimsical remembrance of
the confidences she had made to him, two years earlier, in that very room.
Then she had been planning to marry Percy Gryce--what was it she was planning now?
The blood had risen strongly under Selden's dark skin, but his emotion showed itself
only in an added seriousness of manner.
"You have something to tell me--do you mean to marry?" he said abruptly.
Lily's eyes did not falter, but a look of wonder, of puzzled self-interrogation,
formed itself slowly in their depths.
In the light of his question, she had paused to ask herself if her decision had
really been taken when she entered the room.
"You always told me I should have to come to it sooner or later!" she said with a
faint smile. "And you have come to it now?"
"I shall have to come to it--presently.
But there is something else I must come to first."
She paused again, trying to transmit to her voice the steadiness of her recovered
smile.
"There is some one I must say goodbye to. Oh, not YOU--we are sure to see each other
again--but the Lily Bart you knew.
I have kept her with me all this time, but now we are going to part, and I have
brought her back to you--I am going to leave her here.
When I go out presently she will not go with me.
I shall like to think that she has stayed with you--and she'll be no trouble, she'll
take up no room."
She went toward him, and put out her hand, still smiling.
"Will you let her stay with you?" she asked.
He caught her hand, and she felt in his the vibration of feeling that had not yet risen
to his lips. "Lily--can't I help you?" he exclaimed.
She looked at him gently.
"Do you remember what you said to me once? That you could help me only by loving me?
Well--you did love me for a moment; and it helped me.
It has always helped me.
But the moment is gone--it was I who let it go.
And one must go on living. Goodbye."
She laid her other hand on his, and they looked at each other with a kind of
solemnity, as though they stood in the presence of death.
Something in truth lay dead between them-- the love she had killed in him and could no
longer call to life.
But something lived between them also, and leaped up in her like an imperishable
flame: it was the love his love had kindled, the passion of her soul for his.
In its light everything else dwindled and fell away from her.
She understood now that she could not go forth and leave her old self with him: that
self must indeed live on in his presence, but it must still continue to be hers.
Selden had retained her hand, and continued to scrutinize her with a strange sense of
foreboding.
The external aspect of the situation had vanished for him as completely as for her:
he felt it only as one of those rare moments which lift the veil from their
faces as they pass.
"Lily," he said in a low voice, "you mustn't speak in this way.
I can't let you go without knowing what you mean to do.
Things may change--but they don't pass.
You can never go out of my life." She met his eyes with an illumined look.
"No," she said. "I see that now.
Let us always be friends.
Then I shall feel safe, whatever happens." "Whatever happens?
What do you mean? What is going to happen?"
She turned away quietly and walked toward the hearth.
"Nothing at present--except that I am very cold, and that before I go you must make up
the fire for me."
She knelt on the hearth-rug, stretching her hands to the embers.
Puzzled by the sudden change in her tone, he mechanically gathered a handful of wood
from the basket and tossed it on the fire.
As he did so, he noticed how thin her hands looked against the rising light of the
flames.
He saw too, under the loose lines of her dress, how the curves of her figure had
shrunk to angularity; he remembered long afterward how the red play of the flame
sharpened the depression of her nostrils,
and intensified the blackness of the shadows which struck up from her cheekbones
to her eyes.
She knelt there for a few moments in silence; a silence which he dared not
break.
When she rose he fancied that he saw her draw something from her dress and drop it
into the fire; but he hardly noticed the gesture at the time.
His faculties seemed tranced, and he was still groping for the word to break the
spell. She went up to him and laid her hands on
his shoulders.
"Goodbye," she said, and as he bent over her she touched his forehead with her lips.
>
CHAPTER 13
The street-lamps were lit, but the rain had ceased, and there was a momentary revival
of light in the upper sky. Lily walked on unconscious of her
surroundings.
She was still treading the buoyant ether which emanates from the high moments of
life.
But gradually it shrank away from her and she felt the dull pavement beneath her
feet.
The sense of weariness returned with accumulated force, and for a moment she
felt that she could walk no farther.
She had reached the corner of Forty-first Street and Fifth Avenue, and she remembered
that in Bryant Park there were seats where she might rest.
That melancholy pleasure-ground was almost deserted when she entered it, and she sank
down on an empty bench in the glare of an electric street-lamp.
The warmth of the fire had passed out of her veins, and she told herself that she
must not sit long in the penetrating dampness which struck up from the wet
asphalt.
But her will-power seemed to have spent itself in a last great effort, and she was
lost in the blank reaction which follows on an unwonted expenditure of energy.
And besides, what was there to go home to?
Nothing but the silence of her cheerless room--that silence of the night which may
be more racking to tired nerves than the most discordant noises: that, and the
bottle of chloral by her bed.
The thought of the chloral was the only spot of light in the dark prospect: she
could feel its lulling influence stealing over her already.
But she was troubled by the thought that it was losing its power--she dared not go back
to it too soon.
Of late the sleep it had brought her had been more broken and less profound; there
had been nights when she was perpetually floating up through it to consciousness.
What if the effect of the drug should gradually fail, as all narcotics were said
to fail?
She remembered the chemist's warning against increasing the dose; and she had
heard before of the capricious and incalculable action of the drug.
Her dread of returning to a sleepless night was so great that she lingered on, hoping
that excessive weariness would reinforce the waning power of the chloral.
Night had now closed in, and the roar of traffic in Forty-second Street was dying
out.
As complete darkness fell on the square the lingering occupants of the benches rose and
dispersed; but now and then a stray figure, hurrying homeward, struck across the path
where Lily sat, looming black for a moment
in the white circle of electric light.
One or two of these passers-by slackened their pace to glance curiously at her
lonely figure; but she was hardly conscious of their scrutiny.
Suddenly, however, she became aware that one of the passing shadows remained
stationary between her line of vision and the gleaming asphalt; and raising her eyes
she saw a young woman bending over her.
"Excuse me--are you sick?--Why, it's Miss Bart!" a half-familiar voice exclaimed.
Lily looked up. The speaker was a poorly-dressed young
woman with a bundle under her arm.
Her face had the air of unwholesome refinement which ill-health and over-work
may produce, but its common prettiness was redeemed by the strong and generous curve
of the lips.
"You don't remember me," she continued, brightening with the pleasure of
recognition, "but I'd know you anywhere, I've thought of you such a lot.
I guess my folks all know your name by heart.
I was one of the girls at Miss Farish's club--you helped me to go to the country
that time I had lung-trouble.
My name's Nettie Struther. It was Nettie Crane then--but I daresay you
don't remember that either." Yes: Lily was beginning to remember.
The episode of Nettie Crane's timely rescue from disease had been one of the most
satisfying incidents of her connection with Gerty's charitable work.
She had furnished the girl with the means to go to a sanatorium in the mountains: it
struck her now with a peculiar irony that the money she had used had been Gus
Trenor's.
She tried to reply, to assure the speaker that she had not forgotten; but her voice
failed in the effort, and she felt herself sinking under a great wave of physical
weakness.
Nettie Struther, with a startled exclamation, sat down and slipped a
shabbily-clad arm behind her back. "Why, Miss Bart, you ARE sick.
Just lean on me a little till you feel better."
A faint glow of returning strength seemed to pass into Lily from the pressure of the
supporting arm.
"I'm only tired--it is nothing," she found voice to say in a moment; and then, as she
met the timid appeal of her companion's eyes, she added involuntarily: "I have been
unhappy--in great trouble."
"YOU in trouble? I've always thought of you as being so high
up, where everything was just grand.
Sometimes, when I felt real mean, and got to wondering why things were so queerly
fixed in the world, I used to remember that you were having a lovely time, anyhow, and
that seemed to show there was a kind of justice somewhere.
But you mustn't sit here too long--it's fearfully damp.
Don't you feel strong enough to walk on a little ways now?" she broke off.
"Yes--yes; I must go home," Lily murmured, rising.
Her eyes rested wonderingly on the thin shabby figure at her side.
She had known Nettie Crane as one of the discouraged victims of over-work and
anaemic parentage: one of the superfluous fragments of life destined to be swept
prematurely into that social refuse-heap of
which Lily had so lately expressed her dread.
But Nettie Struther's frail envelope was now alive with hope and energy: whatever
fate the future reserved for her, she would not be cast into the refuse-heap without a
struggle.
"I am very glad to have seen you," Lily continued, summoning a smile to her
unsteady lips.
"It'll be my turn to think of you as happy- -and the world will seem a less unjust
place to me too." "Oh, but I can't leave you like this--
you're not fit to go home alone.
And I can't go with you either!" Nettie Struther wailed with a start of
recollection.
"You see, it's my husband's night-shift-- he's a motor-man--and the friend I leave
the baby with has to step upstairs to get HER husband's supper at seven.
I didn't tell you I had a baby, did I?
She'll be four months old day after tomorrow, and to look at her you wouldn't
think I'd ever had a sick day.
I'd give anything to show you the baby, Miss Bart, and we live right down the
street here--it's only three blocks off."
She lifted her eyes tentatively to Lily's face, and then added with a burst of
courage: "Why won't you get right into the cars and come home with me while I get
baby's supper?
It's real warm in our kitchen, and you can rest there, and I'll take YOU home as soon
as ever she drops off to sleep."
It WAS warm in the kitchen, which, when Nettie Struther's match had made a flame
leap from the gas-jet above the table, revealed itself to Lily as extraordinarily
small and almost miraculously clean.
A fire shone through the polished flanks of the iron stove, and near it stood a crib in
which a baby was sitting upright, with incipient anxiety struggling for expression
on a countenance still placid with sleep.
Having passionately celebrated her reunion with her offspring, and excused herself in
cryptic language for the lateness of her return, Nettie restored the baby to the
crib and shyly invited Miss Bart to the rocking-chair near the stove.
"We've got a parlour too," she explained with pardonable pride; "but I guess it's
warmer in here, and I don't want to leave you alone while I'm getting baby's supper."
On receiving Lily's assurance that she much preferred the friendly proximity of the
kitchen fire, Mrs. Struther proceeded to prepare a bottle of infantile food, which
she tenderly applied to the baby's
impatient lips; and while the ensuing degustation went on, she seated herself
with a beaming countenance beside her visitor.
"You're sure you won't let me warm up a drop of coffee for you, Miss Bart?
There's some of baby's fresh milk left over--well, maybe you'd rather just sit
quiet and rest a little while.
It's too lovely having you here. I've thought of it so often that I can't
believe it's really come true.
I've said to George again and again: 'I just wish Miss Bart could see me NOW--' and
I used to watch for your name in the papers, and we'd talk over what you were
doing, and read the descriptions of the dresses you wore.
I haven't seen your name for a long time, though, and I began to be afraid you were
sick, and it worried me so that George said I'd get sick myself, fretting about it."
Her lips broke into a reminiscent smile.
"Well, I can't afford to be sick again, that's a fact: the last spell nearly
finished me.
When you sent me off that time I never thought I'd come back alive, and I didn't
much care if I did. You see I didn't know about George and the
baby then."
She paused to readjust the bottle to the child's bubbling mouth.
"You precious--don't you be in too much of a hurry!
Was it mad with mommer for getting its supper so late?
Marry Anto'nette--that's what we call her: after the French queen in that play at the
Garden--I told George the actress reminded me of you, and that made me fancy the
name...I never thought I'd get married, you
know, and I'd never have had the heart to go on working just for myself."
She broke off again, and meeting the encouragement in Lily's eyes, went on, with
a flush rising under her anaemic skin: "You see I wasn't only just SICK that time you
sent me off--I was dreadfully unhappy too.
I'd known a gentleman where I was employed- -I don't know as you remember I did type-
writing in a big importing firm--and--well- -I thought we were to be married: he'd gone
steady with me six months and given me his mother's wedding ring.
But I presume he was too stylish for me--he travelled for the firm, and had seen a
great deal of society.
Work girls aren't looked after the way you are, and they don't always know how to look
after themselves. I didn't...and it pretty near killed me
when he went away and left off writing ...
"It was then I came down sick--I thought it was the end of everything.
I guess it would have been if you hadn't sent me off.
But when I found I was getting well I began to take heart in spite of myself.
And then, when I got back home, George came round and asked me to marry him.
At first I thought I couldn't, because we'd been brought up together, and I knew he
knew about me. But after a while I began to see that that
made it easier.
I never could have told another man, and I'd never have married without telling; but
if George cared for me enough to have me as I was, I didn't see why I shouldn't begin
over again--and I did."
The strength of the victory shone forth from her as she lifted her irradiated face
from the child on her knees.
"But, mercy, I didn't mean to go on like this about myself, with you sitting there
looking so *** out. Only it's so lovely having you here, and
letting you see just how you've helped me."
The baby had sunk back blissfully replete, and Mrs. Struther softly rose to lay the
bottle aside. Then she paused before Miss Bart.
"I only wish I could help YOU--but I suppose there's nothing on earth I could
do," she murmured wistfully.
Lily, instead of answering, rose with a smile and held out her arms; and the
mother, understanding the gesture, laid her child in them.
The baby, feeling herself detached from her habitual anchorage, made an instinctive
motion of resistance; but the soothing influences of digestion prevailed, and Lily
felt the soft weight sink trustfully against her breast.
The child's confidence in its safety thrilled her with a sense of warmth and
returning life, and she bent over, wondering at the rosy blur of the little
face, the empty clearness of the eyes, the
vague tendrilly motions of the folding and unfolding fingers.
At first the burden in her arms seemed as light as a pink cloud or a heap of down,
but as she continued to hold it the weight increased, sinking deeper, and penetrating
her with a strange sense of weakness, as
though the child entered into her and became a part of herself.
She looked up, and saw Nettie's eyes resting on her with tenderness and
exultation.
"Wouldn't it be too lovely for anything if she could grow up to be just like you?
Of course I know she never COULD--but mothers are always dreaming the craziest
things for their children."
Lily clasped the child close for a moment and laid her back in her mother's arms.
"Oh, she must not do that--I should be afraid to come and see her too often!" she
said with a smile; and then, resisting Mrs. Struther's anxious offer of companionship,
and reiterating the promise that of course
she would come back soon, and make George's acquaintance, and see the baby in her bath,
she passed out of the kitchen and went alone down the tenement stairs.
As she reached the street she realized that she felt stronger and happier: the little
episode had done her good.
It was the first time she had ever come across the results of her spasmodic
benevolence, and the surprised sense of human fellowship took the mortal chill from
her heart.
It was not till she entered her own door that she felt the reaction of a deeper
loneliness.
It was long after seven o'clock, and the light and odours proceeding from the
basement made it manifest that the boarding-house dinner had begun.
She hastened up to her room, lit the gas, and began to dress.
She did not mean to pamper herself any longer, to go without food because her
surroundings made it unpalatable.
Since it was her fate to live in a boarding-house, she must learn to fall in
with the conditions of the life.
Nevertheless she was glad that, when she descended to the heat and glare of the
dining-room, the repast was nearly over. In her own room again, she was seized with
a sudden fever of activity.
For weeks past she had been too listless and indifferent to set her possessions in
order, but now she began to examine systematically the contents of her drawers
and cupboard.
She had a few handsome dresses left-- survivals of her last phase of splendour,
on the Sabrina and in London--but when she had been obliged to part with her maid she
had given the woman a generous share of her cast-off apparel.
The remaining dresses, though they had lost their freshness, still kept the long
unerring lines, the sweep and amplitude of the great artist's stroke, and as she
spread them out on the bed the scenes in
which they had been worn rose vividly before her.
An association lurked in every fold: each fall of lace and gleam of embroidery was
like a letter in the record of her past.
She was startled to find how the atmosphere of her old life enveloped her.
But, after all, it was the life she had been made for: every dawning tendency in
her had been carefully directed toward it, all her interests and activities had been
taught to centre around it.
She was like some rare flower grown for exhibition, a flower from which every bud
had been nipped except the crowning blossom of her beauty.
Last of all, she drew forth from the bottom of her trunk a heap of white drapery which
fell shapelessly across her arm. It was the Reynolds dress she had worn in
the Bry TABLEAUX.
It had been impossible for her to give it away, but she had never seen it since that
night, and the long flexible folds, as she shook them out, gave forth an odour of
violets which came to her like a breath
from the flower-edged fountain where she had stood with Lawrence Selden and disowned
her fate.
She put back the dresses one by one, laying away with each some gleam of light, some
note of laughter, some stray waft from the rosy shores of pleasure.
She was still in a state of highly-wrought impressionability, and every hint of the
past sent a lingering tremor along her nerves.
She had just closed her trunk on the white folds of the Reynolds dress when she heard
a tap at her door, and the red fist of the Irish maid-servant thrust in a belated
letter.
Carrying it to the light, Lily read with surprise the address stamped on the upper
corner of the envelope.
It was a business communication from the office of her aunt's executors, and she
wondered what unexpected development had caused them to break silence before the
appointed time.
She opened the envelope and a cheque fluttered to the floor.
As she stooped to pick it up the blood rushed to her face.
The cheque represented the full amount of Mrs. Peniston's legacy, and the letter
accompanying it explained that the executors, having adjusted the business of
the estate with less delay than they had
expected, had decided to anticipate the date fixed for the payment of the bequests.
Lily sat down beside the desk at the foot of her bed, and spreading out the cheque,
read over and over the TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS written across it in a steely business
hand.
Ten months earlier the amount it stood for had represented the depths of penury; but
her standard of values had changed in the interval, and now visions of wealth lurked
in every flourish of the pen.
As she continued to gaze at it, she felt the glitter of the visions mounting to her
brain, and after a while she lifted the lid of the desk and slipped the magic formula
out of sight.
It was easier to think without those five figures dancing before her eyes; and she
had a great deal of thinking to do before she slept.
She opened her cheque-book, and plunged into such anxious calculations as had
prolonged her vigil at Bellomont on the night when she had decided to marry Percy
Gryce.
Poverty simplifies book-keeping, and her financial situation was easier to ascertain
than it had been then; but she had not yet learned the control of money, and during
her transient phase of luxury at the
Emporium she had slipped back into habits of extravagance which still impaired her
slender balance.
A careful examination of her cheque-book, and of the unpaid bills in her desk, showed
that, when the latter had been settled, she would have barely enough to live on for the
next three or four months; and even after
that, if she were to continue her present way of living, without earning any
additional money, all incidental expenses must be reduced to the vanishing point.
She hid her eyes with a shudder, beholding herself at the entrance of that ever-
narrowing perspective down which she had seen Miss Silverton's dowdy figure take its
despondent way.
It was no longer, however, from the vision of material poverty that she turned with
the greatest shrinking.
She had a sense of deeper empoverishment-- of an inner destitution compared to which
outward conditions dwindled into insignificance.
It was indeed miserable to be poor--to look forward to a shabby, anxious middle-age,
leading by dreary degrees of economy and self-denial to gradual absorption in the
dingy communal existence of the boarding- house.
But there was something more miserable still--it was the clutch of solitude at her
heart, the sense of being swept like a stray uprooted growth down the heedless
current of the years.
That was the feeling which possessed her now--the feeling of being something
rootless and ephemeral, mere spin-drift of the whirling surface of existence, without
anything to which the poor little tentacles
of self could cling before the awful flood submerged them.
And as she looked back she saw that there had never been a time when she had had any
real relation to life.
Her parents too had been rootless, blown hither and thither on every wind of
fashion, without any personal existence to shelter them from its shifting gusts.
She herself had grown up without any one spot of earth being dearer to her than
another: there was no centre of early pieties, of grave endearing traditions, to
which her heart could revert and from which
it could draw strength for itself and tenderness for others.
In whatever form a slowly-accumulated past lives in the blood--whether in the concrete
image of the old house stored with visual memories, or in the conception of the house
not built with hands, but made up of
inherited passions and loyalties--it has the same power of broadening and deepening
the individual existence, of attaching it by mysterious links of kinship to all the
mighty sum of human striving.
Such a vision of the solidarity of life had never before come to Lily.
She had had a premonition of it in the blind motions of her mating-instinct; but
they had been checked by the disintegrating influences of the life about her.
All the men and women she knew were like atoms whirling away from each other in some
wild centrifugal dance: her first glimpse of the continuity of life had come to her
that evening in Nettie Struther's kitchen.
The poor little working-girl who had found strength to gather up the fragments of her
life, and build herself a shelter with them, seemed to Lily to have reached the
central truth of existence.
It was a meagre enough life, on the grim edge of poverty, with scant margin for
possibilities of sickness or mischance, but it had the frail audacious permanence of a
bird's nest built on the edge of a cliff--a
mere wisp of leaves and straw, yet so put together that the lives entrusted to it may
hang safely over the abyss.
Yes--but it had taken two to build the nest; the man's faith as well as the
woman's courage. Lily remembered Nettie's words: I KNEW HE
KNEW ABOUT ME.
Her husband's faith in her had made her renewal possible--it is so easy for a woman
to become what the man she loves believes her to be!
Well--Selden had twice been ready to stake his faith on Lily Bart; but the third trial
had been too severe for his endurance. The very quality of his love had made it
the more impossible to recall to life.
If it had been a simple instinct of the blood, the power of her beauty might have
revived it.
But the fact that it struck deeper, that it was inextricably wound up with inherited
habits of thought and feeling, made it as impossible to restore to growth as a deep-
rooted plant torn from its bed.
Selden had given her of his best; but he was as incapable as herself of an
uncritical return to former states of feeling.
There remained to her, as she had told him, the uplifting memory of his faith in her;
but she had not reached the age when a woman can live on her memories.
As she held Nettie Struther's child in her arms the frozen currents of youth had
loosed themselves and run warm in her veins: the old life-hunger possessed her,
and all her being clamoured for its share of personal happiness.
Yes--it was happiness she still wanted, and the glimpse she had caught of it made
everything else of no account.
One by one she had detached herself from the baser possibilities, and she saw that
nothing now remained to her but the emptiness of renunciation.
It was growing late, and an immense weariness once more possessed her.
It was not the stealing sense of sleep, but a vivid wakeful fatigue, a wan lucidity of
mind against which all the possibilities of the future were shadowed forth
gigantically.
She was appalled by the intense cleanness of the vision; she seemed to have broken
through the merciful veil which intervenes between intention and action, and to see
exactly what she would do in all the long days to come.
There was the cheque in her desk, for instance--she meant to use it in paying her
debt to Trenor; but she foresaw that when the morning came she would put off doing
so, would slip into gradual tolerance of the debt.
The thought terrified her--she dreaded to fall from the height of her last moment
with Lawrence Selden.
But how could she trust herself to keep her footing?
She knew the strength of the opposing impulses-she could feel the countless hands
of habit dragging her back into some fresh compromise with fate.
She felt an intense longing to prolong, to perpetuate, the momentary exaltation of her
spirit.
If only life could end now--end on this tragic yet sweet vision of lost
possibilities, which gave her a sense of kinship with all the loving and foregoing
in the world!
She reached out suddenly and, drawing the cheque from her writing-desk, enclosed it
in an envelope which she addressed to her bank.
She then wrote out a cheque for Trenor, and placing it, without an accompanying word,
in an envelope inscribed with his name, laid the two letters side by side on her
desk.
After that she continued to sit at the table, sorting her papers and writing, till
the intense silence of the house reminded her of the lateness of the hour.
In the street the noise of wheels had ceased, and the rumble of the "elevated"
came only at long intervals through the deep unnatural hush.
In the mysterious nocturnal separation from all outward signs of life, she felt herself
more strangely confronted with her fate.
The sensation made her brain reel, and she tried to shut out consciousness by pressing
her hands against her eyes.
But the terrible silence and emptiness seemed to symbolize her future--she felt as
though the house, the street, the world were all empty, and she alone left sentient
in a lifeless universe.
But this was the verge of delirium...she had never hung so near the dizzy brink of
the unreal.
Sleep was what she wanted--she remembered that she had not closed her eyes for two
nights. The little bottle was at her bed-side,
waiting to lay its spell upon her.
She rose and undressed hastily, hungering now for the touch of her pillow.
She felt so profoundly tired that she thought she must fall asleep at once; but
as soon as she had lain down every nerve started once more into separate
wakefulness.
It was as though a great blaze of electric light had been turned on in her head, and
her poor little anguished self shrank and cowered in it, without knowing where to
take refuge.
She had not imagined that such a multiplication of wakefulness was possible:
her whole past was reenacting itself at a hundred different points of consciousness.
Where was the drug that could still this legion of insurgent nerves?
The sense of exhaustion would have been sweet compared to this shrill beat of
activities; but weariness had dropped from her as though some cruel stimulant had been
forced into her veins.
She could bear it--yes, she could bear it; but what strength would be left her the
next day?
Perspective had disappeared--the next day pressed close upon her, and on its heels
came the days that were to follow--they swarmed about her like a shrieking mob.
She must shut them out for a few hours; she must take a brief bath of oblivion.
She put out her hand, and measured the soothing drops into a glass; but as she did
so, she knew they would be powerless against the supernatural lucidity of her
brain.
She had long since raised the dose to its highest limit, but tonight she felt she
must increase it. She knew she took a slight risk in doing
so--she remembered the chemist's warning.
If sleep came at all, it might be a sleep without waking.
But after all that was but one chance in a hundred: the action of the drug was
incalculable, and the addition of a few drops to the regular dose would probably do
no more than procure for her the rest she so desperately needed....
She did not, in truth, consider the question very closely--the physical craving
for sleep was her only sustained sensation.
Her mind shrank from the glare of thought as instinctively as eyes contract in a
blaze of light--darkness, darkness was what she must have at any cost.
She raised herself in bed and swallowed the contents of the glass; then she blew out
her candle and lay down.
She lay very still, waiting with a sensuous pleasure for the first effects of the
soporific.
She knew in advance what form they would take--the gradual cessation of the inner
throb, the soft approach of passiveness, as though an invisible hand made magic passes
over her in the darkness.
The very slowness and hesitancy of the effect increased its fascination: it was
delicious to lean over and look down into the dim abysses of unconsciousness.
Tonight the drug seemed to work more slowly than usual: each passionate pulse had to be
stilled in turn, and it was long before she felt them dropping into abeyance, like
sentinels falling asleep at their posts.
But gradually the sense of complete subjugation came over her, and she wondered
languidly what had made her feel so uneasy and excited.
She saw now that there was nothing to be excited about--she had returned to her
normal view of life.
Tomorrow would not be so difficult after all: she felt sure that she would have the
strength to meet it.
She did not quite remember what it was that she had been afraid to meet, but the
uncertainty no longer troubled her.
She had been unhappy, and now she was happy--she had felt herself alone, and now
the sense of loneliness had vanished.
She stirred once, and turned on her side, and as she did so, she suddenly understood
why she did not feel herself alone.
It was odd--but Nettie Struther's child was lying on her arm: she felt the pressure of
its little head against her shoulder.
She did not know how it had come there, but she felt no great surprise at the fact,
only a gentle penetrating thrill of warmth and pleasure.
She settled herself into an easier position, hollowing her arm to pillow the
round downy head, and holding her breath lest a sound should disturb the sleeping
child.
As she lay there she said to herself that there was something she must tell Selden,
some word she had found that should make life clear between them.
She tried to repeat the word, which lingered vague and luminous on the far edge
of thought--she was afraid of not remembering it when she woke; and if she
could only remember it and say it to him, she felt that everything would be well.
Slowly the thought of the word faded, and sleep began to enfold her.
She struggled faintly against it, feeling that she ought to keep awake on account of
the baby; but even this feeling was gradually lost in an indistinct sense of
drowsy peace, through which, of a sudden,
a dark flash of loneliness and terror tore its way.
She started up again, cold and trembling with the shock: for a moment she seemed to
have lost her hold of the child.
But no--she was mistaken--the tender pressure of its body was still close to
hers: the recovered warmth flowed through her once more, she yielded to it, sank into
it, and slept.
>
CHAPTER 14
The next morning rose mild and bright, with a promise of summer in the air.
The sunlight slanted joyously down Lily's street, mellowed the blistered house-front,
gilded the paintless railings of the door- step, and struck prismatic glories from the
panes of her darkened window.
When such a day coincides with the inner mood there is intoxication in its breath;
and Selden, hastening along the street through the squalor of its morning
confidences, felt himself thrilling with a youthful sense of adventure.
He had cut loose from the familiar shores of habit, and launched himself on uncharted
seas of emotion; all the old tests and measures were left behind, and his course
was to be shaped by new stars.
That course, for the moment, led merely to Miss Bart's boarding-house; but its shabby
door-step had suddenly become the threshold of the untried.
As he approached he looked up at the triple row of windows, wondering boyishly which
one of them was hers.
It was nine o'clock, and the house, being tenanted by workers, already showed an
awakened front to the street. He remembered afterward having noticed that
only one blind was down.
He noticed too that there was a pot of pansies on one of the window sills, and at
once concluded that the window must be hers: it was inevitable that he should
connect her with the one touch of beauty in the dingy scene.
Nine o'clock was an early hour for a visit, but Selden had passed beyond all such
conventional observances.
He only knew that he must see Lily Bart at once--he had found the word he meant to say
to her, and it could not wait another moment to be said.
It was strange that it had not come to his lips sooner--that he had let her pass from
him the evening before without being able to speak it.
But what did that matter, now that a new day had come?
It was not a word for twilight, but for the morning.
Selden ran eagerly up the steps and pulled the bell; and even in his state of self-
absorption it came as a sharp surprise to him that the door should open so promptly.
It was still more of a surprise to see, as he entered, that it had been opened by
Gerty Farish--and that behind her, in an agitated blur, several other figures
ominously loomed.
"Lawrence!" Gerty cried in a strange voice, "how could
you get here so quickly?"--and the trembling hand she laid on him seemed
instantly to close about his heart.
He noticed the other faces, vague with fear and conjecture--he saw the landlady's
imposing bulk sway professionally toward him; but he shrank back, putting up his
hand, while his eyes mechanically mounted
the steep black walnut stairs, up which he was immediately aware that his cousin was
about to lead him.
A voice in the background said that the doctor might be back at any minute--and
that nothing, upstairs, was to be disturbed.
Some one else exclaimed: "It was the greatest mercy--" then Selden felt that
Gerty had taken him gently by the hand, and that they were to be suffered to go up
alone.
In silence they mounted the three flights, and walked along the passage to a closed
door. Gerty opened the door, and Selden went in
after her.
Though the blind was down, the irresistible sunlight poured a tempered golden flood
into the room, and in its light Selden saw a narrow bed along the wall, and on the
bed, with motionless hands and calm
unrecognizing face, the semblance of Lily Bart.
That it was her real self, every pulse in him ardently denied.
Her real self had lain warm on his heart but a few hours earlier--what had he to do
with this estranged and tranquil face which, for the first time, neither paled
nor brightened at his coming?
Gerty, strangely tranquil too, with the conscious self-control of one who has
ministered to much pain, stood by the bed, speaking gently, as if transmitting a final
message.
"The doctor found a bottle of chloral--she had been sleeping badly for a long time,
and she must have taken an overdose by mistake....
There is no doubt of that--no doubt--there will be no question--he has been very kind.
I told him that you and I would like to be left alone with her--to go over her things
before any one else comes.
I know it is what she would have wished." Selden was hardly conscious of what she
said.
He stood looking down on the sleeping face which seemed to lie like a delicate
impalpable mask over the living lineaments he had known.
He felt that the real Lily was still there, close to him, yet invisible and
inaccessible; and the tenuity of the barrier between them mocked him with a
sense of helplessness.
There had never been more than a little impalpable barrier between them--and yet he
had suffered it to keep them apart!
And now, though it seemed slighter and frailer than ever, it had suddenly hardened
to adamant, and he might beat his life out against it in vain.
He had dropped on his knees beside the bed, but a touch from Gerty aroused him.
He stood up, and as their eyes met he was struck by the extraordinary light in his
cousin's face.
"You understand what the doctor has gone for?
He has promised that there shall be no trouble--but of course the formalities must
be gone through.
And I asked him to give us time to look through her things first----"
He nodded, and she glanced about the small bare room.
"It won't take long," she concluded.
"No--it won't take long," he agreed. She held his hand in hers a moment longer,
and then, with a last look at the bed, moved silently toward the door.
On the threshold she paused to add: "You will find me downstairs if you want me."
Selden roused himself to detain her. "But why are you going?
She would have wished----"
Gerty shook her head with a smile. "No: this is what she would have wished----
" and as she spoke a light broke through Selden's stony misery, and he saw deep into
the hidden things of love.
The door closed on Gerty, and he stood alone with the motionless sleeper on the
bed.
His impulse was to return to her side, to fall on his knees, and rest his throbbing
head against the peaceful cheek on the pillow.
They had never been at peace together, they two; and now he felt himself drawn downward
into the strange mysterious depths of her tranquillity.
But he remembered Gerty's warning words--he knew that, though time had ceased in this
room, its feet were hastening relentlessly toward the door.
Gerty had given him this supreme half-hour, and he must use it as she willed.
He turned and looked about him, sternly compelling himself to regain his
consciousness of outward things.
There was very little furniture in the room.
The shabby chest of drawers was spread with a lace cover, and set out with a few gold-
topped boxes and bottles, a rose-coloured pin-cushion, a glass tray strewn with
tortoise-shell hair-pins--he shrank from
the poignant intimacy of these trifles, and from the blank surface of the toilet-mirror
above them.
These were the only traces of luxury, of that clinging to the minute observance of
personal seemliness, which showed what her other renunciations must have cost.
There was no other token of her personality about the room, unless it showed itself in
the scrupulous neatness of the scant articles of furniture: a washing-stand, two
chairs, a small writing-desk, and the little table near the bed.
On this table stood the empty bottle and glass, and from these also he averted his
eyes.
The desk was closed, but on its slanting lid lay two letters which he took up.
One bore the address of a bank, and as it was stamped and sealed, Selden, after a
moment's hesitation, laid it aside.
On the other letter he read Gus Trenor's name; and the flap of the envelope was
still ungummed. Temptation leapt on him like the stab of a
knife.
He staggered under it, steadying himself against the desk.
Why had she been writing to Trenor-- writing, presumably, just after their
parting of the previous evening?
The thought unhallowed the memory of that last hour, made a mock of the word he had
come to speak, and defiled even the reconciling silence upon which it fell.
He felt himself flung back on all the ugly uncertainties from which he thought he had
cast loose forever. After all, what did he know of her life?
Only as much as she had chosen to show him, and measured by the world's estimate, how
little that was!
By what right--the letter in his hand seemed to ask--by what right was it he who
now passed into her confidence through the gate which death had left unbarred?
His heart cried out that it was by right of their last hour together, the hour when she
herself had placed the key in his hand. Yes--but what if the letter to Trenor had
been written afterward?
He put it from him with sudden loathing, and setting his lips, addressed himself
resolutely to what remained of his task.
After all, that task would be easier to perform, now that his personal stake in it
was annulled.
He raised the lid of the desk, and saw within it a cheque-book and a few packets
of bills and letters, arranged with the orderly precision which characterized all
her personal habits.
He looked through the letters first, because it was the most difficult part of
the work.
They proved to be few and unimportant, but among them he found, with a strange
commotion of the heart, the note he had written her the day after the Brys'
entertainment.
"When may I come to you?"--his words overwhelmed him with a realization of the
cowardice which had driven him from her at the very moment of attainment.
Yes--he had always feared his fate, and he was too honest to disown his cowardice now;
for had not all his old doubts started to life again at the mere sight of Trenor's
name?
He laid the note in his card-case, folding it away carefully, as something made
precious by the fact that she had held it so; then, growing once more aware of the
lapse of time, he continued his examination of the papers.
To his surprise, he found that all the bills were receipted; there was not an
unpaid account among them.
He opened the cheque-book, and saw that, the very night before, a cheque of ten
thousand dollars from Mrs. Peniston's executors had been entered in it.
The legacy, then, had been paid sooner than Gerty had led him to expect.
But, turning another page or two, he discovered with astonishment that, in spite
of this recent accession of funds, the balance had already declined to a few
dollars.
A rapid glance at the stubs of the last cheques, all of which bore the date of the
previous day, showed that between four or five hundred dollars of the legacy had been
spent in the settlement of bills, while the
remaining thousands were comprehended in one cheque, made out, at the same time, to
Charles Augustus Trenor. Selden laid the book aside, and sank into
the chair beside the desk.
He leaned his elbows on it, and hid his face in his hands.
The bitter waters of life surged high about him, their sterile taste was on his lips.
Did the cheque to Trenor explain the mystery or deepen it?
At first his mind refused to act--he felt only the taint of such a transaction
between a man like Trenor and a girl like Lily Bart.
Then, gradually, his troubled vision cleared, old hints and rumours came back to
him, and out of the very insinuations he had feared to probe, he constructed an
explanation of the mystery.
It was true, then, that she had taken money from Trenor; but true also, as the contents
of the little desk declared, that the obligation had been intolerable to her, and
that at the first opportunity she had freed
herself from it, though the act left her face to face with bare unmitigated poverty.
That was all he knew--all he could hope to unravel of the story.
The mute lips on the pillow refused him more than this--unless indeed they had told
him the rest in the kiss they had left upon his forehead.
Yes, he could now read into that farewell all that his heart craved to find there; he
could even draw from it courage not to accuse himself for having failed to reach
the height of his opportunity.
He saw that all the conditions of life had conspired to keep them apart; since his
very detachment from the external influences which swayed her had increased
his spiritual fastidiousness, and made it
more difficult for him to live and love uncritically.
But at least he HAD loved her--had been willing to stake his future on his faith in
her--and if the moment had been fated to pass from them before they could seize it,
he saw now that, for both, it had been saved whole out of the ruin of their lives.
It was this moment of love, this fleeting victory over themselves, which had kept
them from atrophy and extinction; which, in her, had reached out to him in every
struggle against the influence of her
surroundings, and in him, had kept alive the faith that now drew him penitent and
reconciled to her side.
He knelt by the bed and bent over her, draining their last moment to its lees; and
in the silence there passed between them the word which made all clear.
THE END
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