Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
1-23-13 set I’m dedicating this set to my fake dead
girlfriend. It’s refreshing that Notre Dame is obsessing about a dead fake girlfriend
instead of a dead fake ***. New feature added to the Super Bowl halftime: a ***
sacrifice with Manti Te’o. Who knew that catfish eat praying Manti’s for breakfast?
Martin Luther King said, “We have guided missiles and misguided men.” Barack Obama
said, “Good point,” and launched another drone strike. Bill Clinton appeared at the
Golden Globes. Then he peered at Salma Hayek’s golden globes. *** Cheney endorses a ban
on semiautomatic weapons. He points out you don’t need an assault rifle to shoot someone
in the face. The NRA wants armed teachers. Nuns in Catholic schools will be issued semi-automatic
rulers. The Obama administration wants to ban the sale of high-capacity ammo clips.
But we won’t really be safe until all clips from “Two and a Half Men” are illegal.
They don’t make easier to kill more people.They just make me want to kill myself. Tom Cruise
investigates a sniper who blows peoples’ heads off in “Jack Reacher.” It’s a
change of pace from Tom’s usual blow jobs. My favorite Mission Impossible: the one in
which Scientology turns Tom Cruise into a heterosexual. I was disappointed in “Abraham
Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.” “George Bush, Iraqi Killer,” had a bigger body count.
. Energy drinks linked to several deaths. I
tried to commit suicide by drinking Red Bull but wound an extra in Bruce Willis’ final
movie, “Diuretic In An Adult Diaper.” The Boeing Dreamliner is having teething problems.
Just to be safe, I’m not flying in one unless Denzel Washington is the pilot. Dunkin’
Donuts expands into California. Lindsay Lohan will open a competing chain called Drunken
Donuts. Lady Gaga and the Osbournes are feuding. I don’t know whether to go to the mattresses
or break out the “I’m with stupid” t-shirts. There’s only room for so many passengers
on the Crazy Train and there is no Quiet Car. The feud started after Ozzy got so ***,
he tried to barbecue Lady Gaga in her meat dress.
Michael J. Fox warned Taylor Swift to stay away from his son. He hadn’t seen anyone
this white and predatory since “Jaws.” I bought a Taylor Swift camera at Target but
I had to return it. Kanye West kept popping up on the screen, saying Beyonce took better
photos. I’m disillusioned that Beyonce may have lip synced the national anthem at the
inauguration. Next thing, you’ll tell me she’s not a natural blonde. I bought a Jay
Z camera but it had 99 problems. I bought a Kurt Cobain camera but it kept shooting
itself. I bought a Peewee Herman camera but it kept making exposures. Kim Kardashian and
Kanye West are having a baby. Which is going to be bigger, the baby’s *** or the baby’s
mouth? The baby’s butt will be so big it will have two names: Kanye West and Kanye
East. What would you get if Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian had a baby? A Guinness
World Record. Hamid Karzai and Barack Obama announce the timetable for US withdrawal from
Afghanistan. Now if we could just get Kanye West to pull out of Kim Kardashian... Studies
show that fecal transplants cure intestinal infections. Finally, Al Roker qualifies for
a Nobel Prize. Lance Armstrong confesses to doping on Oprah. But he undermined his message,
telling the audience, “You get a performance-enhancing drug and you get a performance-enhancing drug
and you...” 1-23-13