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Oh my God, Jack, you would not believe the day I had.
Oh good, you're home. My supervisor gave me straight "satisfactory's" on my job review.
Honey, just stop and... Not one superior! Not one.
And you and I both know I that I am way more than satisfactory.
Oh well, I tried. Action Talia! Dearest Samantha...
Whoa, Jack, who's the kid? Sh, let her get her first line out.
Dearest Samantha, we've been married for eight years and though there have been times of joy...
Wait, what is this?
Don't jump on her delivery, she's terrible with improv.
There has been a growing resentment and anger between us. So, it is time for us to separate.
Separate?
Divorce actually.
The papers are drawn up and ready for you to sign. You will find that I have been
very generous in dividing up our assets. Is this some kind of prank?
Not at all. See, when I realized I have tell you I wanted a divorce I thought uh ... Don't want to do that.
But then I had this brilliant idea. I'll hire a cute girl to tell the bad news.
Now I'm even thinking this should be a business. A business.
You want to hire out cute little girls.
This is insane! You haven't even told me why!
The Reasons Why. Number one: You are fiscally irresponsible.
Oh, I'm fi- ... This cannot be happening.
Number two: We're not as close as we used to be. Wink-wink. Nudge-nudge.
Do you even know what the subtext is for that line?
Where did you even find this kid? She's not even that little. What are you like, fifteen?
Hey, everybody in Hollywood plays younger. My agent says I can still play 8 to 10. Dream on.
This is Talia. She rides the bus to school with Mikey.
Oh my God, Mikey! We have to tell our son we're getting a divorce!
No, we don't. Talia already did it for us. I got a two for one rate. He only cried a little.
That's because you're so cute, with the pigtails and squeaky voice.
I almost gave her this lollipop, but I thought that was going too far.
THAT was going too far?! See, this is why we're getting a divorce.
You never support my business ideas.
Hey, that was my next line! Are you trying to turn this into a SAG-AFTRA "Under-Five"
You have some nerve springing this little girl on me, Jack Dobson! ... because my agent will clobber your ***.
... and make sure I get residuals! Residuals? Oh, honey.
You're not going to make any residuals. This is never going to be on ...
Are you filming this? If you are filming this I swear to God I will kill you myself.
I'm going to step out so you can calm down, Samantha. Talia, I'm gonna get my checkbook
... and sign your voucher and get you out of here. That's a wrap on Talia everybody (clapping).
Is she gonna clap? It's in my contract.
She won't leave if you don't clap. Great. Idea. Jack.
You know, if you like, I can take two contracts in one day.
For ten bucks, I can go tell him to *** himself.
I will bury you in my backyard if you speak again.