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Wow, look at this pirate ship! This thing’s pretty impressive. I’m just going to go
downstairs and see what we’re holding in the...lower...deck.
Umm. Hey, guys...uh...well, this is kind of awkward.
Ah, I’m sure it’s a coincidence. Nothing terrible to see here. I mean, just look at
this place...what with the foliage and farm hands. It’s Risen 2: Dark Water for the
PlayStation 3—oh, sh*t balls.
Well, at least it can’t get any worse than this.
Oh, what the f*ck?
Listen, I’m not saying this game is...well, what I mean is...look, only in video games
could stuff like this fly in 2012. And if you’re oblivious and therefore thinking,
“Hey, don’t slam this game because of that.”...don’t worry. There are several
reasons this game isn’t very good. Racism and historical insensitivity are only two
of them.
Number three is sexism. The rest of the list is mostly technical problems
and dull gameplay, but hey, more on those things in a minute. Risen 2 is a sequel to
a 2009 PC game I’ve never heard of. In this one, you play as a guy who drinks so much
rum, he thinks this is a good idea.
Yeah, that’s what you should do. Because this game is so exciting otherwise.
So he goes on a secret mission with said woman to find a magical weapon that can defeat the
Kraken. That weapon is actually called Liam Neeson, but the game chooses to ignore this
fact. It’s essentially an open-world action RPG with pirates, which sounds awesome. But
the original PC release was kind of a mess of a game, and things are worse on consoles.
Screen tearing, a terrible frame rate, the list goes on.
More importantly, though, the game itself just isn’t any fun. You’re never given
a fun mission. It’s essentially just a bunch of repetitive and meaningless level-grinding.
Your objectives are usually fetch quests and go kill that thing...the game seems to hope
the world and premise are enough to hold your interest...but with terrible writing, generic
characters and clunky combat, that world isn’t as fun as you might think.
And it should be. It’s a game with pirates. Sadly, Risen 2 is also a bad game...with questionable
content, poor gameplay and...did I mention questionable content?