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South Park
Season12 Episode10 Pandemic
I don't get it, kenny.
Why did you buy razors
and shaving cream?
'Cuz, dude, I'm gonna shave my ballS.
Shave your balls? Why
would you shave your balls?
Because girls like shaved balls.
Girls like shaved balls?
Yes, they do.
What girl is gonna see your balls?
I don't know.
Oh, jesus, there's another one!
Another pan flute band.
Have you guys noticed there's bands
like this everywhere you go lately?
Yeah, I saw like three of those
bands down in denver yesterday.
All their crappy music sounds the same.
I'm so sick of hearing
this music everywhere I go!
I think kenny likes it.
I gotta get home for dinner.
Yeah, me too.
God!
Shut up already! I'm
outta here.
See you guys.
Tonight, the travel
channel takes you to london!
London has something for everyone.
Sights.
Theater.
And
wonderful street performers.
They're in london, too?
Hey, time for dinner, guys.
All right, kids.
Dig in.
Where's dad?
He's upstairs videotaping your
grandfather in the bathtub.
Why?
Because ever since your father
got this stupid video camera,
he thinks he has to film
everything the family does.
All right, here we are!
Marsh family gathered
for another dinner.
Randy, we have plenty of
video of us eating dinner.
There's shelley.
You excited about dinner, shelley?
Turn it off, dad!
Oh, look! Stan's eating a tater tot.
Wave to the camera, stan!
Aw, jesus christ!
Oh, neat-o! It's one of those
peruvian pan flute bands!
Stan, go out and stand with
'em so I can get a shot.
I will play this card to
move kyle back seven spaces.
Screw you, kyle.
And all right, your turn, kenny.
You guys! You guys, check this out.
I saw another peruvian flute
band outside my house last night!
So?
So I just sat there and
watched them for a while.
Guess how much money they
made selling their crappy cds?
How much?
Over $200 bucks!
- $200?
- Really, are you sure?
I'm starting to realize it's like the
easiest job in the world.
You know?
I mean we could do that!
Become a peruvian flute band?
Yeah! Why not?
We get some instruments and some costumes and then
make some crappy pan flute music cds on my computer.
Oh, my god! We're gonna make
so much [Bleep] Money, you guys!
Yeah!
But where are we gonna get the money
to buy costumes and instruments?
Craig, dude, how you doing, bro?
Fine.
Oh, cool.
Awesome!
Um, craig, remember you were telling us how your
grandma gave you $100 bucks for your birthday?
Yeah.
Craig, how would you like to
turn that $100 into $1,000?
Come on in, craig, have a seat! Welcome.
What do you guys want?
Craig, we have chosen you to
join our peruvian flute band!
Oh, all right, craig!
You mean like those guys you
see at all the tourist spots?
There's a reason they're everywhere,
craig.
Because they make bank.
We just need your money to buy
some instruments and make some cds.
And we'll double your money
in one afternoon, craig.
You guys never hang out with me,
you never invite me to do stuff,
but now you want me to be in a band
with you because my grandma gave me $100.
Craig, don't be an ***.
I'll go get the money.
All right, guys.
Just like we
rehearsed it! You ready, craig?
All right, let's jam!
And a one, and
a two, and a --
Wow, that's such cultural music.
Very cultural, yes.
Pro favor, buy our cds de musica!
THE LLAMA BROTHERS TAPAS AND MOODSCAPES
Gracias!
How cultural!
This is awesome!
You see, craig?
Hey, you guys can't play
here.
We were here first!
No trabajar aqui! Via!
No playa la musica en la
promenade! No es bueno!
This is our peruvian flute
band's turf.
You got that?
Goddammit!
No! No es bueno!
Come on, guys!
Jesus christ!
No! No es bueno! No trabajar aqui!
U.
S,DEPARTMENTOF HOMELAND SECURITY
Ladies and gentlemen, our nation
and our world is facing an economic
and ecological crisis of
disastrous proportions.
I'm talking of course
about peruvian flute bands.
The red dots indicate where the highest
concentration of peruvian flute bands are.
All over the world, wherever
there are tourists or shoppers,
there are now on average 65 peruvian
flute bands per square kilometer.
General?
France, japan, and the northeastern united
states are currently the hardest hit.
Make no
mistake --
this is a pan flute epidemic.
A pandemic?
Three countries in asia,
and seven in europe have already asked for our
help in getting rid of their peruvian flute bands.
We will need every resource
available to see this through.
Excuse me, but aid other countries?
Senator?
With all due respect, we need to be
dealing with our own pan flute bands.
Let other countries fend for themselves.
You heartless ***.
This country was founded on
beliefs in freedom and integrity.
And we will not sit back and do nothing while less
fortunate countries are ravaged by peruvian flute bands.
Is that clear?
As director of homeland security,
i am taking control of the military
until the crisis is contained.
Go, go!
Serves you right, ***.
Let's go! Let's go!
One more over here!
Let's go get 'em out!
Clear ouT.
Move! This is a homeland
security operation, people.
Let's go!
Hey, back off!
Make sure all pan flute
music cds are contained.
There's sharon and shelley.
They're watching some television.
Wave to the camera, shelley!
What are you watching, guys?
The news.
We're watching the news.
That's the tv in our living rooM.
Still showing commercials right now.
What you think about
the television, shelley?
Oh, the news is starting!
The government efforts to stop the peruvian
flute band crisis are now in their third day.
In cities all over the world, flute
bands have been removed andgarian teened,
but more may still be out there.
Homeland security is requesting that if you
see a peruvian flute band, do not approach it.
Mark down the flute band's location and do
not under any circumstances buy their cds.
The flute bands that have been contained are
being taken to a quarantine area in miami.
PERUVIAN FLUTE BAND INTERNMENT CAMP
Excuse us.
Hello?
Excuse me, sir?
Sir, there's been a misunderstanding.
Could I talk to you for a minute?
Sir, sir, could we talk
to you for just a second?
Get back! I'm not buying
any of your damn cds!
No, sir.
There's been
a big misunderstanding.
We actually
respect a --
I said I'm not buying any god
damn cds today! You got that?
I'm sick of it!
Senior! Comprar cd la musica?
Jesus christ, , , ,
Hey, craig.
You know that money your grandma
gave you for your birthday?
How would you like to invest
in a peruvian flute band?
You can double your
money in one afternoon.
Come on, craig.
Don't be an ***.
Attention, peruvian
flute bands --
Translator: Attenciones,
bandas de flauta peru.
We appreciate your
cooperation and patience.
Cooporation y paciencia es apreciado!
Tomorrow you will be boarding ships.
Manana, sera el ambarque de barcos!
Which will take you to guantanamo bay.
Que le llevara a bahia guantanamo!
Where you will spend
the rest of your lives.
Donde pasar el resto
de sus vidas! Gracias!
Guantanamo bay?
We can't go to guantanamo bay!
Don't worry, you guys.
I'm sure our parents are freaking
out right now trying to find us.
Please, mr.
And mrs.
Tucker, our boys were
last seen hanging out with your son craig.
Do you have any idea
where they could have gone?
No! I'm telling you this
isn't like craig at all.
I'm really worried!
You've checked with the police?
Nobody knows anything.
It's
like the boys just vanished.
None of the other kids
have seen them since the --
randy, will you put that thing down! What
is wrong with you? Our son is missing!
Hey, I'm worried about him too, sharon.
Well, then stop being an idiot and help!
Maybe the boys all ran away.
Were any of your boys
upset about anything?
All we know is they were seen hanging
out with craig and now they're gone.
This is exactly why I've told
kyle not to hang around that boy!
What is that supposed to mean?
To be honest, mrs.
Tucker, we think
craig is a bad influence on our boys.
Now wait just a minute!
I'm just saying that your
son has some problems.
Like every kid doesn't
have some problems!
Obviously craig has gotten
them into some kind of trouble!
- Oh, my god!
- Oh, this is good!
Sir, good news.
Looks like we did it.
Every major city is reporting zero
peruvian flute bands.
We got 'em all.
All right! We did it! Thank god!
Calm down, people.
We
still have work to do.
We have to take out the place these flute
bands came from, so they never come again.
We don't know where they came from, sir.
We've been researching,
but we can't figure it out.
Well, think about it, idiot.
Where else would peruvian
flute bands come from?
The country is in the name!
No, sir, we checked the entire map.
There isn't a country
called "peruvian" anywhere.
Not peruvian, retards.
Peru! It's right here!
Peru.
Now I want a plan in place to
take peru out once and for all.
Is that really necessary, sir?
Seems a little extreme.
Yeah.
Peruvian flute bands will never stop annoying
us unless they are stopped at the source!
Sir, you better come quick.
One of the pan flute bands
was caught trying to escape.
You see? Goddammit!
"The llama brothers.
Tapas and moodscapes.
"
This is a mistake, sir.
We aren't
really a peruvian flute band.
Right.
You just play pan flute music at the
mall and sell cds of you with an llama
but you're not a peruvian flute band.
We, we're just kids, you know?
We were trying to make some money.
We just want to go home!
Sir, please.
I'm supposed to get
laid for the first time on saturday.
Which tourist location
were they playing at?
An outdoor mall in colorado.
Look, we're from colorado.
We, we grew up in the united states!
- We speak english!
- And we're white!
Let me talk to you guys out here.
Well? What do you think?
I don't know what to make of it, sir.
It's like nothing I've ever seen before.
Clearly they are a peruvian
flute band and yet they aren'T.
They play pan flute
music like the others,
but they talk and act like one of us.
I agree.
They are obviously some kind of hybrid.
A hybrid? How is that possible?
Perhaps a peruvian flute band
mated with one of our females.
Who knows?
Well, however, they came to be, they're
about the only piece of good luck we've had.
Sir? If they are the
hybrid we're talking about,
then they could be our way of
taking out peru once and for all.
Do you guys know why nobody else at
school likes hanging out with you?
Because you're always
doing stuff like this.
You're always coming up with
some stupid idea to do something
and then it backfires and then you end up in a
foreign country or in outer space or something.
That's why nobody likes
hanging out with you guys.
You're being extremely negative, craig.
All right, here's the deal.
Maybe you are on our
side and maybe you aren't,
but if you help us, we'll get you home.
Help you how?
You are able to walk amongst
the peruvian flute bands.
They see you as one of them.
We are going to send
you to their capital.
Can we please just go home, sir?
We still don't know
who's side you're on!
You do this and we'll know.
You leave for peru in the morning.
No! No, i am not going
to peru! Not peru!
Kyle, calm down.
You know I can't go there, stan!
One of our friends was ***
in peru.
It was very traumatic.
You don't have a choice.
Either you go to peru, or you get locked
up forever with the other flute bands.
Thompson, can you come over here?
The flute band players won't shut up about
something and I can't understand them.
Por favor! No podemos ir!
Estamos aqui para proteger a ustedes!
- Si, no podemis ir!
- Que son protectores.
They're saying something
like you can't send us away.
We are the protectors.
Protectors from what?
La muerte peludo! La muerte peludo!
What does that mean?
I think he said, "the furry death.
"
La muerte peludo! La muerte p eludo!
This is cnn.
The last of the peruvian flute bands have successfully
been eradicated from every part of the world.
Paul harris is at the
shopping promenade.
And paul, pretty nice not having any
peruvian flute music there i suspect?
Really welcome silence, tom.
There hasn't been a peruvian pan
flute band in sight for days now
and everyone has really
been enjoying the peace.
The world can breathe a collective
sigh of relief now as we thank the --
What
the --
Jesus christ!
There's, there's something else here!
It's not a peruvian flute band.
It's
-- oh, my god.
What is that thing?
Paul, what are you seeing?
It's furry.
It's very furry!
Okay.
Obviously something
different has shown up.
Did he say "furry"?
Okay, uh, we are
experiencing some --
Oh, my god! What is that thing?
All righght.
We're about
There will be a truck to take you inside the
border where you'll be briefed on mission specifics.
Was there ever a moment when you guys
first came up with the genius plan
to become a peruvian flute
band that any of you said,
"hey, you know, this
plan might backfire?"
No, that never occurs to you.
Because you guys are jerks and
you never learn from your mistakes.
And that's why everyone at school
thinks you guys are ***.
That's not true!
Kids at school like us! Don't they?
Yeah, dude, kids at
school totally like us.
Craig's just being a *** because
we're having a tough time right now.
I'm being a ***.
Yes!
You guys took my birthday
money, got me arrested
and sent to miami with no way home except to
take down the county of peru and I'm being a ***.
There's no talking to this guy.
All right, fine, craig.
When we get back home we'll get you your money
back and we'll never talk to you again.
How's that?
That would be great.
Thank you.
This is wrong.
This just
doesn't make any sense.
Why would homeland
security send us into peru?
Because they were starting
to take over the world?
I don't know.
I just feel like there's
got to be something else going on here.
Please, I don't know where else to turN.
The police haven't been any help.
I think our boys might really
be in trouble this time.
Yes, yes, please check and
call me right back.
Thank you.
Randy, I swear to god if you
don't put that thing away --
Sharon, you're going to be glad I have
all this footage of the family some day.
I mean it, randy.
That's enough!
You don't have to
videotape every single --
What the hell was that?
Oh, my god!
Something's going on outside.
Stay here.
What's going on, dad?
Get back to your room, shelley!
What's going on?
They're all over the place!
What are?
They're really furry!
What did that?
What is that thing?
Mr.
Marsh, you have to move.
It isn't safe to be here.
Oh, my god!
Go, go, go back the other way!
Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, god!
I'm so startled.
Sir, we've got a bigger problem.
And what might that be?
News reports are coming in
from cities all over the world.
Word of massive destruction and
death by what appear to be --
Guinea pigs?
Yes, sir.
How did you know?
You were so close to figuring
it all out, davis.
*****
Sir?
********
********
********
********
The pan flute bands are on their way to
their deaths, and the guinea pigs are rising.
And the only person who
could have stopped all this
is on his *********