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The day's finally here, the royal wedding's underway
Brillz, everybody in the UK gets a holiday
I'm using mine for a foreign trip
Twenty hours of coverage? Boring as ***
Cameras everywhere, it's like a media fantasy
BBC got a wire on the Archbishop of Canterbury
James Cameron put two cameras up Willy's urethra
He's gonna make the royal wedding night a 3D feature
Prince Willy's getting nuts deep inside his ghetto bird
Not talking about his chopper, talking about his bride, you blurt
Catherine Elizabeth, don't call her Kate
Born to Mike and Carole in nineteen eight...
...ty two in leafy Berkshire, Reading
Now twenty nine years later headlining the royal wedding
Check her lineage, her family are coalminers
Excuse me, but kiss my nuts your royal highness
Kate Middleton, she's not princess material
She doesn't even use Tupperware to eat her cereal
She never had a job, now her job is to give birth
And to give speeches better than c-c-olin f-firth
Won't open her legs for anyone, you gotta pay the fee
But give her a dead princess's ring, it's open sesame
At least Kate's classy, Chelsy Davy's not
Every night she's at Chinawhite guzzling ***
Well, one was born in Mayfair
One's the motherloving Queen
Ended up in Buckingham Palace
In 1953
Been there 59 years
There's no getting rid of me
Next year I'll be blinged up
For my diamond jubilee X 3
Guest list packed with celebrities and dignitaries
Kate wants this to be the wedding of the century
Sir Johnny Major, Mr Bean
Sayyid Haitham bin Tariq Al Said
The prime minister of New Zealand, John Key
Elton John, Joss Stone and Guy Richie
Not as good as Di, Kate's a fly-by-night fad
If her leg's blown off by a landmine, I'll be quite glad
Diana was the best, she was the princess of hearts
But one fateful night in Paris, she was ripped in half
Great Britain's broke so the wedding can't cost much
Her father was gonna stump up but now he wants to go Dutch
MC Mike Middleton, I'm top of the pops
...
Oh Mike, you c**t, leave it to me
I'm Carole Middleton, mother of the bride to be
We're from the hood, we're totally G
Now our in-laws are going to be the royal family
I'm the queen mum, Helena Bonham Carter
Choked on a fish bone, I'm a royal martyr
I was the queen of the nation till the abdication
Now this Middleton slag is making quite the sensation
The papers are chocker with her information
She's caused a bigger hoo ha than decimalisation
Pissed up on gin so my hand doesn't quiver
But I pity the poor *** who got my chuffing liver
The history of the monarchy on this track
Tudor, Hanover, Windsor, braaap!
See, one comes from Windsor Palace
First in line to the throne
Ended up in Highgrove
Still no crown of one's own
One married Diana
But it ended in divorce
So one married Camilla
She looks like a horse X 3
The name's Charlie Windsor, polo mallet for a ***
Homeopathy king but people think I'm a prick
They skit my Dumbo ears and my big bald patch
But if you want to see baldness check out Camilla's ***
My name is Diana and I was going to be queen
But there were three in that marriage, it was fricking obscene
I hate you Camilla, you're an absolute bell tip
But I was drunk in Paris, when I died, I never felt it
My advice is don't be chauffeured by Henri Paul
Cos if you do, you'll end up three feet deep in a concrete wall
I'm not bitter, I'm chilling in Muslim heaven
With Dodi al Fayed and Mohammed, my brethren