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Chapter 11
End of the day, ladies and gentlemen: it is better to do nothing! better
conscious inertia! So, long live the underground!
Even though I said that I envy the normal man to
last bile, but subject to such conditions, in what I see
it, do not want them to be (though still not stop him
envy. No, no, underground anyway profitable!)
There's at least possible... Ah! yes because I 'm lying here! lying,
because I know, two and two, that it was not
underground better, but something different, quite different, which
I crave, but which I can not find! To hell with the underground!
Even now that there would have been better: it is - if I believed
himself at least something of all that is now written.
I swear to you, gentlemen, that I have no one, no one yet
I do not believe word of what is now scribbled! that
I believe there is, perhaps, but at the same time, it is unknown
why, I feel, and I suspect that I'm lying like a trooper.
- So for what wrote all this? - You say
to me. - But I would put you
forty years without any occupation, and came to
you forty years in the underground, to come back to
what you get here? How can a man around the forty-
years one to leave? - And it's not a shame, and it
not humiliating! - Perhaps you will tell me contemptuously
shaking their heads. - Do you crave life and themselves
allow the vital questions of logical confusion. And
as intrusive as your daring escapades, and at the same time
as you are afraid! You talk nonsense and are pleased with them; you
speak presumptuously, and constantly afraid for themselves
them and ask for an apology. You assure that nothing
not afraid, and at the same time, in our opinion ingratiate.
You assure that grinds his teeth, and at the same time sharp,
so we laugh. You know that the severity of your
unfunny, but you're obviously very pleased with their literary
dignity. You maybe did happen
suffer, but you did not respect their suffering.
As you have the truth, but you do not have a sound mind; you are from
the smallest vanity carrying the truth to the show,
for shame on the market... Do you really want to say something, but
fear hide your last word, because
that you have determined to make it, but only
cowardly impudence. You boast of consciousness, but
you are hesitating, because even though mind you
up and running, but your heart is darkened debauchery, and
without a pure heart - a complete, correct consciousness is not
will. And how much you molestation, as you are asking,
you ape! Lies, lies and lies!
Of course, all these your words I wrote myself now.
This is also from the underground. I was there for forty years in succession to these
your words crack listened. I have them myself
invented, because the only thing that invents. No wonder,
that memorized by rote and literary form adopted...
But really, do you really before lightweight,
that imagine if I had it all printed and even
you 'll read? And here's another problem for me, Why,
In fact, I call you ''Lord'', which
appeal to you, as if indeed to readers? such
confessions, which I intend to start to express, do not print
and others do not give a reading. At least, I am so
hardness does not mean yes, and do not consider it necessary to have.
But you see: I came up with a fantasy and
I'm in no matter what it was like to carry out. Here's the thing.
There are memories of every human things that
he discovers not all, but only to friends. there
and those which he and friends will not open, but only to
to himself, and that in secret. But there is finally
and such that even people currently open
afraid, and such things have any decent human
rather accumulate. That is, even so: the more
he is a decent person, the more he has them and there.
At least, I've only recently decided to recall
some of my past adventures, and still always avoided
them, even with some concern. Now, when I am not only
remember, but even dare to write, now I'm just
I want to test: can there even with himself completely
To be honest and not be afraid the whole truth? Note by the way:
Heine argues that the true autobiography is almost impossible,
and the man himself about himself probably nalzhet. According to him, Rousseau,
for example, certainly lied to himself in his confession,
and even intentionally lied, out of vanity. I'm sure
that Heine's rights; I understand very well, as is sometimes
may be the only one on the vanity rivet
a whole offense, and even very well comprehend,
any kind can be a vanity. but Heine
judged the person to profess to the public. I am writing
one for yourself and declare once and for all, that if I write
as if referring to the readers, the only only
show, because it's easier for me to write. Here form
an empty form, readers as I never will.
I have already announced that... I do not want to be ashamed of anything
in the wording of my notes. Order and system start
I will not. What to remember it and write it down.
Well, for example, could find fault with the word and
ask me if you do not want to readers
then what you are now doing with himself, but
another paper such arrangements, i.e. that order and system
the plant will not that burn that recall
and m. g. and t. g.? What do you explain that? Why apologize?
- But go and just - I say.
Here, however, the whole psychology. Maybe the fact that I just
coward. And perhaps that I purposely imagine
in front of the public to behave in
while when I write. The reasons can be a thousand.
But here's what else: why, what I actually want
write? If not for the public, is it possible to be so,
mentally all remember, without taking on the paper.
So with; but on paper it will somehow solemn. In
This is something inspiring, more over a court will
syllable increase. Also: maybe I'm on the recording
really get relief. Here now, for example, I
particularly pressing one long-standing memory. remembered
it is clear to me the other day and since then has remained with
I like annoying musical motif that does not want to
shake off. Meanwhile, one must get rid of him.
Such memories I have hundreds; but at times of
Hundreds receive one any and presses. Somehow, I believe,
What if I write it down, and unbind it. why
Well do not try? Finally: I'm bored, and I
constantly doing nothing. Writing is really
seemed to work. Say, from the work of a good man
and honest business. Well here's a chance at least.
Today it is snowing, almost wet, yellow, turbid. yesterday was
also, the other day, too, went. I think I'm on the wet
snow and remembered one anecdote that does not want to now
get rid of me. So, let this be a novel
about sleet.
Part 2 ON THE WET SNOW
When the darkness of delusions
Hot word beliefs
I extracted the fallen soul,
And, all is full of deep flour
You cursed, wringing her hands,
You entangle a vice;
When forgetful conscience
Memory penalty,
I send you a story
All that has happened to me,
And suddenly, her face in her hands,
Full of shame and horror,
You are allowed to tears
Outraged, shocked...
And so on. G. And t. G. And t. G.
From the poetry of Nekrasov
Chapter 1
At the time, I was only twenty-four years. life
mine was even then gloomy, messy and to barbarism
lonely. I am no one was driven and even avoided talking
and more and more to score in his corner. In his role,
in the office, I even tried not to look at anyone, and
I am very well noticed that my colleagues not only
thought I was a freak, but - all seemed to me and it
- As if looking at me with some sort of disgust.
It occurs to me: Why is it that no one, except
I do not think that looking at him with disgust? Do
one of our office was disgusting and preryaboe
person, and even as if a robber. I would think, and look
no one else dared to face with such indecent. another
his uniform was so zanoshenny that near him already badly
smelled. And yet none of these gentlemen are not embarrassed
- Not about the dress, or about the person, or as a
there is moral. Neither one nor the other is imagined
that look at them with disgust; yes if and imagined
so they would not care, but would not bosses
deigned to look. Now I am very clear that
I myself because of my unlimited vanity, and became
be, and demanding of himself, looked at
themselves very often with a furious discontent, income
to disgust, but because, mentally, and attributed
I think everyone. For example, I hated my face, find,
it is abominable, and even suspected that it has some
vile expression, and because each time, being in a position
painfully trying to keep myself as much as possible the independence,
not to suspect me of treachery, and his face expressed
as much as possible of nobility. '' Let them be, and the ugly
person - I thought, - but let it be noble,
expressive and, most importantly, extremely smart.'' but
I and probably painfully aware that all these perfections
I never fail to express my face. But that only
worse, I find it positively silly. And I would be quite reconciled
on his mind. Even so, that would agree even on the vile expression
in order just to find my face at the same time
terribly clever. All our stationery
I, of course, hated, from first to last,
and all despised, and at the same time as if they were afraid of.
It happened that I suddenly even put them up yourself. I
somehow it was suddenly done: you despise, then put up
themselves. Developed and decent man can not be vain
without unlimited demands to himself and despising
themselves at some moments to hate. But, scorning whether placing any
above, I am just not in front of each counter lowered his eyes.
I even did experiments: sterplyu I think that's even such a
on itself, and I always let down first. It tormented me
to rabies. Before his illness, I was also afraid to be funny
and so slavishly adored routine in all that concerned
outdoor; with love go into the general track and all my soul
put off a any eccentricity. But where I had to stand?
I was painfully developed, as should be developed
man of our time. They were all stupid and one
Similar to the other like sheep in the herd. Perhaps only
I alone in the entire Office of the Permanent seemed that
I was a coward and a slave; precisely because it seemed that I
was developed. But it is not only seemed well and truly
it was, in fact: I was a coward and a slave. I say this
without any embarrassment. Every decent man of our
time there should be a coward and a slave. this is normal
his condition. In this I believe deeply. he was so
made and then arranged. And no currently
up any accidental circumstances there, but in general
at all times, a decent man to be a coward
and a slave. This is the law of nature all decent people in the
ground. If anyone of them happens pohrabritsya over
anything, let it not comforted and not interested in:
still before the other to crack. This is the only
and everlasting solution. Brave only donkeys and their ***
but after all those known to the wall. They and attention
pay is not worth it, because they are nothing at all
mean. Tormented me then another
circumstance is exactly what happened to me, no one
like and I do not like anyone else. ''I - then one, and they are all - '' -
and I thought - thought. From this it is clear that I was
still quite a boy. There were also opposites.
After all, much like getting nasty sometimes go to the office:
reached the point that many times I have returned from service
sick. But suddenly, for no apparent reason comes the band
skepticism and indifference (I was all stripes)
and that I myself laugh over my intolerance and fastidiousness,
himself in Romanticism reproach. That and talking to no one
want, and then I will go before, that does not just talk,
but also pleases with them to come together in a friendly way. All squeamishness
had suddenly for no apparent reason disappeared. Who knows
maybe it I never was, and it was feigned,
from books? I still have this issue has not yet been resolved.
Times even quite made friends with them, became their home visit,
preference to play, drink *** production to interpret...
But here, let me make one retreat.
We, Russian, in general, has never been stupid
nadzvezdnyh German and especially the French Romantics,
where nothing works, even though the ground beneath them is cracking,
even perish all of France on the barricades - they all
the same, even for the standards do not change, and all will be
sing their songs nadzvezdnye, so to speak, on his coffin
life, because they are fools. We, in the Russian land,
no fools; this is known; so somehow we differ from
other German states. Investigation and nadzvezdnyh
natures is not found in our clean their condition. it
all our ''positive'' and the then publicists
criticism, then hunting for Kostanzhoglo yes for
uncles Peter Ivanovich and foolishly taking them for our
ideal navydumali our romantics, considering them for
nadzvezdnyh same as in Germany or France.
On the contrary, the properties of our romantic and completely
directly opposite nadzvezdno - European, and no European merochka
here is not appropriate. (Oh, let me use this word:
'Romantic'' - a word ancient, venerable, well-deserved
and all the familiar). Properties of our romance - it
understand everything, see everything and see the often much
clearer than seeing the most positive of our minds; nor with anyone or
than not to be reconciled, but at the same time does not disdain;
all bypassed around the yield, with all do politic;
constantly not to lose sight of a useful, practical
purpose (some state-owned flats there, pensionchiki,
asterisk) to perceive this goal through all the enthusiasm
and volumes of lyrical poems, and at the same time, '' and the beautiful
and high '' in the coffin of his life to save a
indestructible, and have a way to keep quite
so still in hlopochkah as yuvelirskuyu bagatelle any,
at least, for example, to use the same '' wonderful and
high ''. A man is our romantic and the first
rogue of all our rogues, I assure you that even...
from experience. Of course, all of this, if the romantic smart.
That is what am I doing! romantic and always clever, I just wanted to
noted that although there were we fools romance,
but it does not count and only because they are in color
forces finally degenerated into Germans, and to make it easier
maintain its yuvelirskuyu thing, settled there
somewhere else in Weimar or the Black Forest. I, for example,
sincerely despised his official duties
and spit only when necessary, because
he was sitting there and getting money for something. As a result,
, notice is still not spit. our romantic
probably go crazy (which, incidentally, is very rare)
and spitting would not, if the other in his career
mind is not available, and pushes it never kicked -
And unless svezut a madhouse as the ''Spanish
King, '' and that if he really will go mad. but
because we go crazy and only sparse belokurenkie.
Neischetnoe same number of significant romantics ranks later
occur. Extraordinary versatility! And what
capacity for most of contradictory feelings! I was then
this is comforted, and now those same thoughts. That is why it
we have so many '' broad natures '' that even when
the very last fall never lose their
ideal; and though not lift a finger for the ideal kind,
though notorious robbers and thieves, but still
to tears by its original ideal of respect and unusually
honest at heart. Yes, sir, just between us, the most notorious
scoundrel may be completely honest and even sublime
in the shower, at the same time does not cease to be a villain.
Again, because all too often of our romantics
sometimes overlook such business Rogue (the word '' Rogue''
I drink loving) such sense of reality
and suddenly have positive knowledge that astonished
authorities and the public only in the language on them in stupefaction
smacked. The versatility of a truly
amazing, and god knows what she said and to develop
in subsequent circumstances and that promises us in our
the future? A good-looking materyal sir! Not out of patriotism any,
funny or leavened, I say so. However, I
Sure, you will again think that I laugh. And who knows,
may be, and vice versa, that is, rest assured that I and in the
really think so. Anyway, gentlemen, both views
I shall take your currently an honor and a special treat.
And forgive me my retreat. With my teammates, I, of course,
Commonwealth could not stand, and very soon rasplevyvalsya
and due to the then still young and inexperienced, even bow
they stopped, just cut it. This, however, is with me all
once happened. In general, I've always been one.
At home, I, at first, just read more. like
drown all external sensations continuously inside
I was seething. And from external sensations was for me
the possibility of only one reading. Reading course
a lot of help - worried sweetens and tormented. but
times naskuchalo awful. Still want to move,
and I was suddenly plunged into the dark, underground, vile - not
debauchery and razvratishko. A passion in me were
sharp, burning from my invariable morbid irritability.
Gusts there were hysterical with tears and convulsions.
In addition to reading, was nowhere to go - that is, there was no
nothing that I could then respect in my surrounding
and what would be drawn to me. Boil, moreover, longing;
was hysterical thirst contradictions, contrasts,
and so I indulged debauchery. I'm not at all to justify
Now many of my rattled... And yet, no! lied! I
just wanted to justify himself. This is for myself, gentlemen,
do little note. I do not want to lie. Word given.
I acted impudently lonely at night, secretly, timidly,
dirty, ashamed, do not leave me in the most loathsome
minutes, and even going into such minute to curse.
Even then I wore in my soul underground. I was afraid
awful to me somehow can not see, not met
do not know. I went for a variety of very dark places.
Time, passing the night by one traktirishka, I saw
in the lighted window, as gentlemen in the billiard cues fought
and as one of them in the window lowered. At other times,
I would be very ugly was; but then suddenly this minute
found that I was jealous of this deflated lord,
and before envious that even in the restaurant came in
billiard: ''Perhaps, they say, and I'm damn it, and I also
descend from the window.'' I was not drunk, but what would you
do - to the point of hysteria because melancholy can seize!
But nothing happened. It turned out that I was in the window, then jump
is not able to, and I left not to fight.
Besieged me there from the very first step of an officer.
I stood by the billiard and ignorance eclipsed road
and that he had to go; he took me by the shoulders and
silence - not notifying never explained - rearranged
me from the place where I was standing on the other, and he was
as if he had not noticed. I would even forgive beatings,
but he could not forgive the fact that he rearranged me
and so completely did not notice. God knows what I would have given
then for this, a more accurate quarrel over
decent, more, so to speak, literary! With me came
how to fly. Was this officer ten inches long growth; I
a man short and emaciated. The quarrel, however,
was in my hands: poprotestovat cost, and, of course,
I would have lowered the window. But I changed my mind and chose...
angrily efface. I left the restaurant confused
and agitated, straight home, and the next day
continued my debauch more robche scored and sadder
than before, as if with tears in her eyes - and still
continued. Do not think, however, that I chickened out of the officer
cowardice: I've never been a coward at heart, though constantly
chicken on the matter, but - wait to laugh at it is the explanation;
I have an explanation for everything, to be sure.
Oh, if this officer was one of those who agreed to
go to a duel! But no, it was just one of those gentlemen
(alas, long since disappeared), who preferred to act
cues or, as Lieutenant Pirogov Gogol - to his superiors.
A duel did not go out, and with our brother, with shtafirkoy,
would be considered a duel anyway offensive -
and generally considered a duel something unthinkable, free-thinking,
French and hurt themselves pretty, especially in the case of
ten inches long growth. I chickened out here is not out of cowardice,
and of boundless vanity. I was afraid not ten inches long
growth and not the fact that I hurt and will beat out the window
descend; physical courage, the right would be enough; but moral
courage is lacking. I was afraid that I
all present, beginning with the *** to the last marker
spoiled and acne chinovnichishki immediately buzz,
with a collar of fat, - do not understand and laugh at when
I'm going to protest and speak to them in literary language.
Because of the point of honor, that is not about honor, and paragraph
honor (point d'honneur), we have still another fact and talk
can not, as a literary language. On a common language of
'Point of honor '' is not mentioned. I was quite confident (some flair
Indeed, although the entire romance!) that
they are all just burst out laughing, and the officer is not easy,
that is not harmless, will beat me, and certainly knees
I napinaet circling in this manner around the billiard
and only then did God have mercy and the window later. Of course,
this miserable story only this one with me could not
end in. I often then met this officer
on the street and spotted him well. I do not know just learned
whether it me. Must not; gather for some
featured. But I, I, - looked at him angrily
and hate, and so it went on... for several years, sir! my anger
even stronger and grew over the years. At first I was, quietly,
began to suss this officer. It's hard to me
it was because I was no one knew. but once
someone called him by the name of the street, when I published
followed him, just tied to him, and then I found out the name.
Another time I followed him up to his apartment
and for a dime learned from the janitor, where he lives, in which the floor
alone or with someone else, and so on. d. - in a word, all
what can be learned from the janitor. Once in the morning, even though I never
literaturstvoval not, I suddenly got the idea to describe
the officer in ablichitelnom form in the cartoon, in the form of
story. I'm enjoying writing this story. I ablichil,
even poklevetal; I forged the name first,
that it was possible to immediately know, but then, on second argument,
changed and sent in '' Notes of the Fatherland.'' But had not yet
ablicheny was, and my story was not printed. To me it was
very annoying. Sometimes anger I just choked. finally
I decided to call my opponent to a duel. I wrote
to him is perfect, attractive letter, begging him before
me to apologize; in case of failure is pretty solid
alluding to a duel. The letter was penned so that if
b officer barely understood '' sublime and beautiful''
it certainly would have come running to me, to throw me
neck, and offer their friendship. And as if it was
well! We would have healed! so healed! He would protect
its me the honorable; I would ennoble his
its development, and... well, ideas, and a lot of which-that
I could be! Imagine then passed two
year, he hurt me, and my challenge was unseemly
anachronism, in spite of all skill letters
my, to explain and cover an anachronism. But, thank God
(still thank the Almighty with tears), my letter I
not sent. Chill chills when I think,
what would have come out if I sent. And then... and then suddenly
I got back in the simplest, most ingenious way!
I was suddenly struck by his Highness thought. Sometimes on holidays
I used to go at four o'clock in the Nevsky and walked on the sun
side. That is, I was not walking out there and experienced countless
anguish, humiliation, and jaundice; but that, to me, is true,
and ought to be. I dart like an eel, the ugliest
way between the passers-by continually giving way
then the generals, then the Cavalry and Hussars officers, the
Goody; I felt in those moments convulsive
heart pain and heat in the back with a single view
Misery on my suit, and the vulgarity of my Misery
darting figures. It was a flour - muchenskaya, uninterrupted
unbearable humiliation of thinking, a shift in the continual
and the immediate feeling that I fly, before all
this light, disgusting, obscene fly - all intelligent, all
more developed, all noble - it really goes without saying - but
continuously over the inferior fly, all the humiliation and
all offended. For what I typed up this
flour, which I went on Nevsky - I do not know? but I
simply drawn there at every opportunity.
Even then I was beginning to feel the tides of those pleasures
which I mentioned in the first chapter. after the same
history with the officer I was there even more
Pull: Nevsky, I met him, and most,
there is something I admired him. He also went over there
during the holidays. Though he too swerved off the road before
generals and before the honorable personages and also wagged,
as eel, between them, but such as our brother, or
even worse than our brother, he just pressed; walked straight
on them, like before it was an empty space,
and in any case this was not inferior. I reveled in my
anger, looking at him, and before him angrily... each
once folded. Tormented me that I even in the street can
I can not be with him on an equal footing. '' Why do you necessarily
first you turn? - Molested myself to myself,
in the frenzied hysteria, sometimes waking up in the third hour of the night. -
Why exactly are you and not him? After all, it is no law,
because it is not written anywhere? Let it be equally
as usually happens when sensitive people meet:
he will relinquish half and half you, and you will pass
mutual respect for each other.'' But it was not, and still
I folded, and he did not even notice that I give in to him.
And an amazing thought suddenly struck me. '' And that -
I even think - what if to meet him... and not others?
Purposely did not step aside, though even had to push
him, and what would it be? '' Daring this idea gradually
before possessed me, that would not let me rest. dreaming
I am about this constantly, often badly and purposely went to
Nevsky, so that even more clearly imagine how I
I will do it when I do. I was delighted. increasingly
and more than I thought it was the intention and probable and
possible. ''Of course, it is not to push the thought
I already pre Dobrev joy - and so, just
do not step aside, sostuknutsya with him, not so very
hurt, and so the shoulder of the shoulder, exactly as much as
defined decorum; so that as far as he will knock me,
on so much and I knock it.'' I decided to finally complete.
But took a lot of preparation time. The first
that during execution need to be more
decent form and take care of the suit. '' In any case,
if, for example, to start up a public history (and the audience something
here superflyu Countess walks, Prince D. walks, all the literature
walks), you need to be well-dressed; it inspires and right
put us in some way on an equal footing
in the eyes of high society.'' With this view, I begged
salary in advance and bought black gloves and a decent
hat at Churkin. Black gloves seemed to me and
solid, and Bonton than lemon, which I encroached
first. '' The color is too sharp, too as if
wants to exhibit a man, ''and I did not take the lemon. good
shirt, with white bone studs, I cooked too long ago;
but delayed a greatcoat. Itself something on their own, my overcoat
was a very good-looking, warmed; but it was padded, and the collar
was a raccoon that was already top of servility. It should be
was to change the collar at any cost and make
beaver, such as the officers. For this, I began to walk
by Seating yard and after several attempts aimed
One cheap German beaver. These German beaver
though very soon and take zanashivayutsya scanty
view, but first, with new clothes, looking even and very well;
But I for one once and it was necessary. asked
I price: after all, it was expensive. By thorough reasoning
I decided to sell my raccoon collar.
Missing and a very considerable sum for me
decided to beg borrow from Anton Antonovich Setochkin,
my chief clerk, a man of humble, but
serious and positive, do not give anybody a loan
money, but I've been once, when entering
office, especially advised that my service
major face. I suffered terribly. ask for money
Anton Antonovich seemed to me monstrous and shameful.
I did two or three nights did not sleep, and indeed I was little
slept, was in a fever; my heart is somehow vaguely sank
or suddenly began to jump, jump, jump!.. Anton
Antonovich was surprised at first, then winced, then
reasoned and yet loaned, taking with me a receipt
the right to obtain data on loan money through
two weeks of salary. Thus, it was
finally ready; beautiful beaver reigned in place
paskudnogo raccoon, and I began to gradually start
to the case. It was impossible to decide from the first ever, in vain; it is necessary to
But the thing skillfully wrought, it gradually.
But I must confess that after many attempts, I
even began to despair was not in any way sostukivaemsya
- And more! Oh, I was prepared eh, eh, I did not intend to -
it seems, is here now sostuknemsya, look - and
Again, I gave way, and he passed by without noticing
me. I even read a prayer, going up to him, so that God
gave me determination. One time I was also quite
already decided, but ended up being just hit him
under his feet, because in the latest moment at
dvuhvershkovom some distance, not enough
spirit. He quietly passed on to me and I like a ball bounced
side. On this night, I was again ill with fever
and raved. And suddenly, it was over the best way possible. On the eve of
night I finally put my not execute harmful
intentions and leave everything in vain and with this aim in the last
time I went to the Nevsky, the only way to see -
as I leave it all in vain? Suddenly, three paces
from my enemy, I suddenly decided, shut his eyes
and - we firmly bumped his shoulder on shoulder! I did not give
an inch and passed perfectly on equal footing!
He has not even looked around and pretended not to notice;
but he just kind of did, I 'm sure of it. I still
been so sure! Of course, I got more; he
was stronger, but not that was the case. The fact was,
I reached the goal, supported dignity, did not give
single step and put himself publicly with him on an equal social
leg. I returned home completely revenge for
everything. I was delighted. I exulted and sang Italian
aria. Of course, I'm not going to describe that
what happened to me three days later; if you read my
the first chapter of '' Underground'', you can guess for yourself.
Officer then somewhere transferred; I have fourteen years
it is no longer seen. What is he now, my darling?
Someone presses?
Chapter 2
But the band ended my debauch, and I felt
terribly sick. Occurred remorse, I drove it too
really sick. Little by little I am, however, and get used to it.
I got used to everything, that is not something that gets used
but somehow voluntarily agreed to bear. But I had
output, all reconciled, it is - to escape in ''all
sublime and beautiful, ''of course, in my dreams. dreaming
I badly wanted for three months on end, huddled
in his corner, and believe me, that in those moments, I do not
like was the gentleman who, in the confusion of chicken
heart, sewed to the collar of his overcoat German beaver.
I was made suddenly a hero. my desyativershkovogo
Lieutenant, I would even a visit to her then do not let me.
I even imagine it could not then. what is
were my dreams and how I could be satisfied with their
- It is hard to say now, but if I do this
satisfied. However, I did and now it kind of
contentment. Dreams especially sweeter and stronger came
to me after a debauch, came with remorse
and tears, with curses and delight. There were moments
such positive intoxication, of such happiness,
that even the slightest ridicule inside me was not felt,
I swear. Had faith, hope and love. That something is that
I blindly believed then that by some miracle, some
external circumstances, all of a sudden razdvinet,
expand; suddenly imagined horizon respective
activities beneficial, beautiful and most importantly, very
ready (which one - I never knew, but the main thing -
quite finished), and here, I will make a sudden the light
God, almost on a white horse and wearing a laurel wreath.
Secondary role, and I could not understand and that's it
because, in reality, very calmly held
last. Either the hero or dirt, the middle was not.
This is something me and ruined, because the mud I comforted myself
that at another time 'm a hero, but a hero covered
a mud: the ordinary, say, a man ashamed
dirty, and the hero is too high to very dirty,
consequently, can be dirty. It is remarkable that these tides
'All that is beautiful and high'' came to me during the
debauch, and just when I was at the bottom
was, came so individual vspyshechkami,
as though reminding me of themselves, but not exterminated, but
Well, debauch their appearance; on the contrary, as if podzhivlyali
contrast and it came exactly as much as
needed for a good sauce. The sauce here was
of contradictions and suffering from painful internal
analysis, and all these torments and muchenitsa and gave
a certain piquancy, even my sense of dissipation,
in a word, played quite a good position
sauce. All this even was not without a certain depth.
Yes, and if I could settle for a simple, vulgar, direct,
Pisarsky razvratishko and to bear the whole
dirt! Well then could be in it to seduce me
lure the night on the street? No, sir, I had a noble
loophole for all... but how much love, O Lord,
how much love I experienced, happened in these dreams
mine, in these ''salvation to all sublime and beautiful '':
Though fantastic love, though never to anything
human actually is not attached, but before
it was a lot of love, then what, in fact, too
not even felt the need to make it: excessive
Used alone it was a luxury. All, however, preblagopoluchno
always ended with a lazy and intoxicating transition
art, that is, to the beautiful forms of being, quite ready,
much stolen from the poets and novelists and adapted
all sorts of services and requirements. I, for example,
triumphant over all; All, of course, in the dust and forced
voluntarily admit my perfection, and I all
forgive them. I fall in love, being a famous poet
and Chamberlain; I receive countless millions and immediately donate
them to the human race and immediately confess
to all the people in my shame, of course,
not just a shame, and embody the very many
'Sublime and beautiful '' something manfredovskogo.
All cry and kiss me (otherwise what they were
for chumps), and I go barefoot and hungry preaching
new ideas and smash the reactionaries at Austerlitz. then
played a march, given amnesty, Dad agrees
to go from Rome to Brazil; then the ball for the whole of Italy
at the Villa Borghese, on the shore of Lake Como, as
Lake Como deliberately transferred this case to Rome;
then the scene in the bushes, and so on. d., and so on. d. - if he did not know?
You may say that is vulgar and despicable display all
now on the market, after all these raptures and tears, in which
I had confessed. Why is despicable, sir? Do you think
I'm ashamed of it, and that it was stupider
although anything happened to you, gentlemen, life?
And besides, believe me, I have Coy that was not at all
thumbs up made up... I do not yet occurred on the lake
Como. And yet, you are right; Indeed, it went
and mean. And by all that I have now started to
you make excuses. And meaner what do I do now
this remark. Yes quite, however, and that in fact never
and *** all is one side by side...
More than three months, I could not possibly had a row
dream and began to feel the irresistible desire to
plunge into society. Plunge into society meant I
go on a visit to my head clerk, Anton
Antonovich Setochkin. It was my only constant
familiar in all my life, and I even surprised myself now
this circumstance. But I went to him unless
when there came such a band too, and my dreams
reached such a happiness that I had certainly
immediately and cuddle with people and all of humanity;
and for this purpose it was necessary to have at least one person in
cash actually exists. By Anton
Antonovich was necessary, however, be on Tuesdays (it
day), investigative, and passionate desire to embrace
all mankind had always by Tuesday.
Placed this Anton Antonovich in Five Corners, in the fourth
floor and four little rooms, dwarf and smaller than the other,
had the most economic and little yellow kind. were at
He has two daughters and their aunt, pouring tea. daughters
- One was thirteen and another fourteen years,
both were snub-nosed, and I'm terribly embarrassed them,
because they were all whispering and giggling to himself. host
usually sat in the office, on a leather couch in front of
table, along with some gray guest officer
of our or even from foreign agencies. More than two or three
guests, and all the same, I've never seen it.
They talked about the excise tax, about trading in the Senate, on a salary,
production, about His Excellency, a means to please and
etc.., and so on. I had the patience to sit through beside these people
fool for four hours and listen to them, he did not dare
and not knowing how or about what to talk to them. I Tupelo on
several times accepted sweat, rushed over me
paralysis; but it was nice and helpful. On returning home,
I set aside some time with my desire to embrace
all of humanity. There was, however, I have and more
as if one friend, Simonov, my former school
comrade. School friends I had, perhaps, a lot of
in St. Petersburg, but I was driven with them and even stopped
on the street bow. I may be, and in the service of something to another
Office moved in order to not be with them
and immediately cut off from all hated my childhood.
Curses on that school, those horrible servitude
years! In short, the teammates I immediately sold as
released into the wild. Were two or three people with whom
I have bowed meeting. Including was Simonov,
that in school we did not differ, was equable
and quiet, but in it I featured some independence
character and even honesty. Do not even think he was
very much limited. I'm with him there were once quite
bright moments, but not for long, and continued as a sudden
clouded over. He apparently bored by these
Memories and everything seems to have feared that I fly into
in the previous tone. I suspected that I was very disgusted with him,
but still went to see him, not sure how likely.
Then one day, on Thursday, unable to bear my loneliness
and knowing that on Thursday Anton Antonovich door is locked
I thought of Simon. Getting up to him to the fourth floor,
I just thought that this gentleman is weary
I had made a mistake and I am going. But since ended
always that such considerations, as luck would have
more incited me to go into an awkward position,
and then I went. Has been almost a year since I last time before
seen Simonov.
Chapter 3
I found it two more of my schoolmates.
They talked, apparently discussing an important matter. on
my coming, none of them did not pay almost no
attention that was very strange, because I do not
form with them for years. Obviously, I was considered
something like a very ordinary flies. Had not been treated
I was even in school, although I hated it.
Of course, I knew that they must despise
I now for the failure of my service career
and for that I am very much lowered, went badly dressed and
etc.., which in their eyes was a sign of my inability to
and small values . But I still did not expect to such
degree of contempt. Simonov was surprised at my coming.
He had always seemed surprised at my coming.
All this puzzled me; I sat in a melancholy
and began to listen to what they interpreted.
Dealt with serious and even hot about a farewell dinner,
who wanted to have these gentlemen tomorrow, together,
go far in the province of their fellow Zverkov who served
officer. Monsieur Zverkov was all the time and my school
comrade. I began to hate him especially with higher
classes. In the lower classes, it was just lovely,
playful boy whom everybody liked. However, I hated
it and the lower classes, and it is for the fact that he was
cute and playful boy. He studied is always constant
bad and more and worse; but came out of the train
school success, because he had protection. In
his last year in our school, he got an inheritance,
two souls, and since we were almost all poor, the
it even before we became a braggart. It was a vulgar
in the highest degree, but, however, to a good fellow, and even then,
when swagger. We have the same, despite the exterior,
fantastic and frazerskie form of honor and ambition, all
but a very few, even before the buzz Zverkov,
the more he swagger. And not benefit from any
twine, and so because of the fact that it favorizirovanny
gifts of nature, man. Besides, as it is accepted
we have had to consider Zverkov specialist parts Agility
and good manners. Recently, I was particularly enraged. I
hated sharp nesomnevayus a sound of his voice,
admiration of his own witticisms, which he went
terribly stupid, though he was brave to the language; I hated
his beautiful but silly face (which I would, however,
exchanged with hunting your smart) and cheeky - officer
techniques forties. I hated the fact that he told
about their future success with women (he did not dare
start with women without even officers epaulettes,
and waiting for them to look) and how he constantly
will be published in a duel. I remember, always silent,
suddenly grappled with Zverkov when he, in his spare time interpreting
while his teammates on the future Passion and Raffle
Finally as a young puppy in the sun, suddenly announced
that no village maidens in his village not
disregard it - droit de seigneur, and men,
if you dare to protest, all crosses and all of them,
bearded channels twice impose rents. Our louts
applauded, I grappled and not out of pity for
virgins and their fathers, but simply for the fact that such a gnat
so applauded. I was defeated, but Zverkov, though
and was stupid, but was cheerful and bold, but because otsmeyavshis
and even so, that I, in truth, it is not defeated and laughter
remained at his side. He then several more
just too strong for me, but without malice, and something like that, joking,
passing, laughing. I angrily and contemptuously did not answer
him. Upon release, he was made a step towards me; I do not really
resisted because I was flattered; but we
quickly and naturally dispersed. Then I heard of his barrack - poruchichih
success, how he revels. Then came other rumors
- On how he manages the service. On the street he told me
not bowed, and I suspected that he was afraid of compromising
himself, bowing with such a small, like me, a person.
I saw him too, once in the theater, in the third tier,
already in the braid. He fawned upon and bent the daughters
an ancient general. Three years he went down very,
although there was still quite beautiful and clever; once edema
was gorging; it was evident that the age of thirty, he
completely obryuzgnet. Here it was leaving at last
Zverkov and wanted to give our dinner companions. they
constantly all three years were carried out with him, even though they themselves,
inwardly, did not consider themselves to him on an equal footing, I'm sure
this. Of two guests Simonova
one was Ferfichkin of Russian Germans - a small growth
with a monkey face, all peresmeivayuschy fool
my worst enemy even with the lower classes, sneaky, cheeky,
fanfaronishka and play the most delicate ambition,
although, of course, a coward at heart. He was one of those fans
Zverkov who flirted with him of species and often held
money from him. Other guest Simonov, diligence, was
unremarkable personality, a military man, a high
growth, with a cold -faced, pretty honest, but I bow
before any success and the ability to reason only
one production. Zverkov he was brought some
distant relative, and it's silly to say, gave
it between us a certain value. I have it permanently
believed in nothing; treated as though not quite politely,
but passable. - Well, since the seven rubles -
Trudolyubov spoke, - the three of us, twenty-one
ruble - you can have a nice dinner. Zverkov, of course, does not pay.
- Oh, of course, since we are inviting him - decided
Simonov. - Is Well you think -
arrogant and got involved with the ardor Ferfichkin exactly
insolent flunkey boasting stars of his general
master - do you really think that we let Zverkov
some pay? Out of courtesy to take, but by itself
half a dozen expose. - Well, where the four of us
half a dozen - said Trudolyubov, noting only
on a half-dozen. - So, three with Zverkov
four, twenty-one rubles in Htel de Paris, tomorrow
in five hours - finally concluded Simon, who
chosen manager. - How did twenty-one? -
I said in some excitement, even, apparently offended -
if you count with me, it will not be twenty-one,
but twenty- eight rubles. It seemed to me that suddenly
and so unexpected offer himself to be even very beautiful,
and they will all be defeated once and look at me with respect.
- Do you also want? - Noted with displeasure
Simonov, somehow avoiding looking at me. he knew
my heart. I was enraged that he knows
my heart. - Why is it, sir? I did, it seems,
too, comrade, and I confess that I was even sad that I
bypassed - I was bubbled again.
- And where you had to look for? - Roughly Ferfichkin got involved.
- You have always been at odds with Zverkov - added
Trudolyubov frowning. But I do not let go and jumped.
- I think about it, no one has the right to judge -
I replied in a trembling voice, and God knows exactly what happened. -
That is why I can be, and now I want that
first was in trouble. - Well, who you will understand... a hill
These... - Trudolyubov grinned. - You write down - decided
turning to me, Simon - tomorrow at five o'clock in the Htel
de Paris; make no mistake. - Money is something! - Began
Ferfichkin quietly, nodding at me Simon, but stopped short,
because even Simonov was embarrassed.
- Pretty - Trudolyubov said, standing up. - If he is so
very much wanted, let him come.
- Yes, because we have a circle, hail-fellow, - angry
Ferfichkin, too, picking up his hat. - This is not an official
meeting. We have, perhaps, did not want to...
They are gone; Ferfichkin leaving, I do not bow,
Trudolyubov barely nodded without looking. Simonov, which
I was face to face, was in some annoyances
puzzled and looked at me strangely. He did not sit down and
I was not invited. - Um... yeah... so tomorrow.
Money is something you give now? I have it, so right know -
he muttered embarrassed. I broke out, but, flushing,
remembered that from time immemorial had Simon
fifteen rubles, which, however, and never forgot,
but did not give ever. - You must admit, Simonov,
I could not know, coming here... and I'm very annoyed
I forgot... - Okay, well, anyway.
Pay off tomorrow at lunch. I'm just so
You know... please... He broke off and began to walk
the room with even greater disappointment. Pacing, he began
stand on heels and with more stomping.
- I do not keep it? - I asked, after a two-minute
silence. - Oh, no! - roused
he suddenly - that is, in truth, - yes. You see,
I still would need to go... not far from here... - added
he has some apologetic voice and partly ashamed.
- Oh, my God! Why do not you ska - same ones! - cried
I grabbed his cap, with surprisingly, however, cheeky views,
God knows where flown. - It's just... Here
two steps... - repeated Simonov, seeing me up front
with a fussy kind that he did not come. - As
tomorrow at five o'clock sharp! - He shouted up the stairs:
too, he was pleased that I was leaving. I was furious.
- After all possessed the same possessed a pop! - gnashed
my teeth, walking down the street - and the sort of scoundrel, pig,
Zverkov! Of course, do not go; course
do not care: I'm connected, or what? Tomorrow we will notify
Simonov by the post... But because of that I was furious,
that probably knew that I would go; purposely go; and the
tactless than offensive will I go, the sooner
and go. And even obstacle positive
was not to go: there was no money. Merely lay
I have nine rubles. But seven of them had to give
tomorrow, the monthly salary of Apollo, my servant, which
lived with me for seven rubles for their rations.
Do not give out it was not possible, considering the character of Apollo.
But this channels, this plague of my own, I ever
after the talk. However, I knew that
still not give, and certainly go.
That night I dreamed grungy dreams. No wonder: the whole evening
pressed me memories of my years of hard
school life, and I could not get rid of them. I
stuck in this school my distant relatives, from which
I depended and which since then had no
concepts - stuck lonely, already hammered by their reproaches,
already thought, silent and looked around wildly for all.
Comrades met me vicious and ruthless
ridicule for what I did to one of them was not
similar. But I could not bear ridicule; I could not have
cheap to get along as they get along with each other.
I hated them immediately and conclude all in a fearful,
the wounded and exorbitant pride. Rudeness of me
outraged. They cynically laughed at my face,
over my baggy figure; and yet what stupid
they themselves were the faces! In our school, facial expressions
as a particularly glupeli and regenerated. How
a lovely children came to us. In a few
years and look at them getting nasty. Another sixteen
years, I have marveled at them morosely; me too, and then amazing
detail of their thinking, their stupidity lessons, games, conversations.
They are such necessary things not understood, such awe,
striking objects were not interested in that
I was reluctant to consider them inferior. not offended
vanity incited me to that, and for God's sake, do not come out
to me with a bored ad nauseam by official objections:
'I just wanted to, and even then they are valid
understand life.'' Anything they did not understand, no
real life, and I swear, it 's the indignant
I have them most. On the contrary, the most obvious, cutting
eyes the reality they have been fantastic
stupid and already accustomed to worship one success.
All that was true, but humiliated and scored over
so they are cruel and disgraceful laughing. Chin honored
for the mind; sixteen years already talked about warm
boroughs. Of course, there was a lot of nonsense, from
bad example, constantly surrounding them childhood
and adolescence. Depraved they were before the ugliness.
Of course, there was more than appearance, more mock
cynicism; Of course, some youth and freshness
flashed in them even for debauchery; but unattractive
was in them and even freshness and manifested in some
ernichestva. I hated them horribly, though perhaps
was their own worse. They told me the same pay and did not hide
his disgust me. But I did not want them to love;
on the contrary, I always longed for their humiliation. To get rid
themselves from their derision I purposely began to learn as much as possible
and made it into one of the most first. This inspired them.
In addition they all started gradually understood that
I have read these books, which they could not read,
and understand such things (not part of our
special course), which they are not unheard of. wildly
and ironically they looked at it, but morally subordinate,
especially since even the teachers paid attention to me
on this occasion. Mockery ceased, but remained
hostility, and established cold, strained relations.
In the end I did not resist: with years of evolving needs
in people, friends. I tried was to start to converge
with the other; but it always came out unnaturally convergence
and so by itself and ends. I was just like a real friend.
But I was already a tyrant at heart; I wanted to rule indefinitely
over his soul; I wanted to instill in him a contempt for surrounding
its surroundings; I asked him arrogant and
final break with this medium. I'm scared
its my passionate friendship; I drove him to tears, to
seizures; he was naive and gave the soul; but when
He gave me the whole, I immediately hated him and pushed
from himself - as if he needed me, and only obsession
victory over him, for one of its submission. but all
I could not win; my friend was also on any of
they did not like and was very rare exception.
The first thing on my exit from the school have been left
that special service to which I meant
to all the threads break, curse the past and ashes
sprinkle it... And the hell of it after I trudged
this Simon!.. early morning, I grabbed
out of bed, jumped with excitement, as if all this now
and begin to take place. But I believe that comes and
certainly come today some radical
change in my life. With the habit or something, but I
all my life, at least the outer, at least the tiniest event
everything seemed that now and then comes some
radical change in my life. I, however, went
office in an ordinary way, but sneaked away home two
hours earlier to prepare. The main thing, I thought, it is necessary to come
not the first, and they'll think I'm really very happy.
But there were thousands of the main things, and they are all excited
me to impotence. I personally once again cleaned my boots;
Apollo for anything in the world would not have to clean them two
times a day, finding that it was not in order. cleaning the same
I'm stealing from the front of the brush, that he somehow did not notice
and then did not despise me. Then I looked in detail
my dress and found that all the old, worn, I bring.
I'm too much obneryashilsya. His uniform was probably
serviceable, but not in the official uniform as had to go to dinner. A
importantly, trousers, on the very knee was huge
macula. I had a feeling that one has this spot takes
I have a nine-tenths of self-esteem. I knew, too
I have that very low to think so. ''But now is not to of thinking;
Now comes the reality, '' I thought, and lost heart. knew
I'm fine too, at the same time that all these facts monstrously
exaggerating; but what to do: to cope
I'm with you too could not, and I was shaking with fever. With despair
I imagined myself as down and cold meet
I have this '' rascal '' Zverkov; with some blunt, nothing compelling
contempt would look at me stupid Trudolyubov;
as bad and will defiantly podhihikivat to my account
Ferfichkin booger, that pander Zverkov;
as well understand it all myself and how Simonov
will despise me for my meanness of vanity
and cowardice, and most importantly - how it is scanty,
not literally, ordinary. Of course, it would be better
do not go. But it's something really was the most impossible
really when I began to pull, so I did and pulls
whole, with the head. I have all my life to tease myself then:
'What a coward, coward actually a coward!''
On the contrary, I desperately wanted to prove to the whole
this '' rag-tag '' that I am not such a coward, as I myself
imagine. Not only that: in the strongest
paroxysm of cowardly fever I dreamed to win
top, to win, to captivate, to get them to love yourself
- Well, at least '' for the great thoughts and unmistakable wit.''
They throw Zverkov, he will sit on the sidelines,
silent and ashamed, and I will crush Zverkov. then,
perhaps, to make peace with him and drink for you, but that just
was angrier and more offensive to me, is that I then
knew well and knew for sure that I did this, in
Essentially, it is not necessary that, in fact, I do not wish
crush them, to conquer, to attract and that for all a
result, if only I reached it, I, first,
would not give a penny. Oh, how I prayed to God that really was
as soon as possible on this day! In unutterable anguish I went to the window,
opened the window and looked into the troubled darkness falling thickly
wet snow... Finally on my crappy
wall chasishkah hissed five. I grabbed my hat and
trying not to look at the Apollo - which has
morning all waiting for me to issue a salary, but
his pride did not want to speak first - slid
past him out the door and Likhachev, whose purpose
hired in the last fifty dollars rolled up to the gentleman Htel de
Paris.
Chapter 4
I knew even before I would come first. But since it
was not in the championship. They not only was there no
but I had hardly found our room. On the table was still
not completely covered. What does this mean? after many
I finally made inquiries from the servants that ordered lunch
to six hours, not five. This was confirmed in the buffet.
Even ashamed to ask. It was still only twenty-
five minutes past five. If they have changed hour, then at
Anyway should also have to notify; on a city
mail, but not to me '' shame '' and in front of him
and... and even before the servants. I sat down; servant became cover;
if it was somehow even more offensive. By six o'clock,
besides burning lamps in the room were made candles. servant
did not think, but then, to make them immediately as I came.
In the next room had a great dinner at different tables, two some
visitor gloomy, angry -looking and silent. In one
from distant room was very noisy; even cried;
was heard laughing the whole gang of people; heard
some bad French screams: The dinner was with the ladies.
In short, it was very sick. Rarely have I spent
a nasty minute, so that when they are exactly
at six o'clock came all at once, I, for the first moment,
delighted them as some liberators and nearly
forgot that I have to look offended.
Zverkov went ahead of all, apparently chairing.
Both he and they all laughed; but, seeing me, Zverkov
straightened and walked slowly, leaning more
in Tagle, just flirting, and gave me his hand, affectionately,
but not so with some careful, almost generals politely
exactly, holding out his hand, protecting yourself from something. I imagined
on the contrary, that he immediately as will, zahohochet
his former laughter, thin and with yelps,
and the first words of his jokes go flat and sharpness.
Among them is what I prepared the night before, but it does not really
I expect such down such prevoskhoditelnoy
affection. Therefore, he considered himself quite alone now
immeasurably superior to me in every way? If
he just wanted to hurt me this generalship,
nothing else, I thought; I would like something there otplevalsya.
But what if, in fact, without any desire to offend,
in his lamb pate seriously crawled little idea that he
far above me and can look at me
not otherwise than with the patronage? From this assumption, one
I began to choke. - I was surprised to learn
your desire to participate with us, - he said, syusyukivaya
and lisp and drawl, which before him
did not happen. - We are with you as something it's not
met. You have dichites. To no avail. We are not so terrible,
as you think. Well, in any case, glad in - crop - but - dd...
And he turned carelessly to put on a hat box.
- It has long been waiting for? - Asked Trudolyubov.
- I arrived exactly at five o'clock, I was appointed yesterday -
I replied loudly and angrily, who promised to close a blast.
- Do not you let him know that they changed their hours? -
So he turned to Simon Trudolyubov.
- Do not give. Forgotten - he replied, but without any remorse
and did not even apologize to me, went to dispose of
snack. - So you're here too hour, ah,
poor! - Cried mockingly Zverkov, because,
its concepts, it really should have been terribly
funny. Behind him, petty, shrill, like a little dog,
voice rolled scoundrel Ferfichkin. Very much and he
seemed ridiculous and embarrassing my position.
- This is not funny! - I cried Ferfichkin,
irritated more and more - to blame others
not me. I neglected to let us know. This -is- it...
ridiculous. - Not only ridiculous, but also
something else - grumbled Trudolyubov naive for me
interceding. - You are too soft. Just impolite.
Of course, not deliberate. And as Simonov... ahem!
- If I played that way with me, - said Ferfichkin - I
would... - Yes, you have told to myself
something to file - interrupted Zverkov - or just asked
have dinner without waiting. - Agree that I would
could not do it without permission - cut
I am. - If I was waiting for something... - Sit down, gentlemen, -
cried entered Simonov - all ready; for the champagne
reply excellent frozen... Cause I is not your apartment
knew where are you look for? - He suddenly turned round to
to me, but again, somehow without looking at me. Obviously, it had
something against. Know, after yesterday's far-fetched.
All sat down; and I sat down. The table was round. To the left of
I went Trudolyubov, Simonov on the right. Zverkov
sat opposite; Ferfichkin beside him, between him and
Hard-working. - Ska -a- azhite you... in the department? -
I continued to Zverkov. Seeing that I was confused,
he seriously imagined that I should be kind
and, so to speak, to encourage. '' Well, he wants something,
so I'm in a bottle is empty '' - I thought furiously. annoyed
I'm used to it, somehow unnatural soon.
- In th... office, - I replied curtly, looking at the plate.
- And... vvam vvygodno? Ska azhite that you leave paanudilo
previous service? - Every now and then a pas - ANMC that
wanted to leave the old service - I handed triple
more, almost without owning him. Ferfichkin snorted.
Simonov looked at me ironically; Trudolyubov stopped
eating and began looking at me curiously.
Zverkov wince, but he did not want to miss.
- Well -at, as well as your content? - What is the content?
- That is the train salary? - What do you mean I ekzamenuete!
However, I immediately called and how much does it get a salary.
I blushed terribly. - Rich, - it is important to notice
Zverkov. - Yes, sir, it is impossible in the cafe- restaurant
lunch! - Brazenly added Ferfichkin.
- In my opinion, so even just poor - seriously noticed
Trudolyubov. - And how you lost weight, as
changed... since... - added Zverkov no longer
without poison, with some sassy regret, considering
me and my costume. - Enough embarrassing something -
giggling, cried Ferfichkin. - Sir,
know that I do not konfuzhus - I finally broke -
hear, sir! I have lunch here, '' café- restaurant '' on its
money on their own, and not strangers, note this, monsieur
Ferfichkin. - Ka -ak! who else is here
not on their lunch? You seem... - grabbed Ferfichkin,
blushing like cancer, and in a frenzy looking me in the eye.
- So-oo, - I replied, feeling that far gone - and I believe
that we'd better go talk smarter.
- You seem to have a plan to show your mind?
- Do not worry, it would be quite here
superfluous. - Yes, you do that, sir
you my raskudahtalis - eh? you do not mind it really crazy,
in your lepartamente? - Enough, gentlemen, enough! -
cried sovereignly Zverkov. - How stupid! - grumbled
Simonov. - Really, it's silly,
we gathered in a circle of friends, that conduct
a voyage good friend, and you think - spoke
Trudolyubov, roughly speaking to me alone. - You are to us
themselves yesterday asked for, do not worry same general
harmony... - Enough, enough, -
shouted Zverkov. - Come on, gentlemen, this is no go. But
I better tell you how the third day I almost got married...
And so began some pashkvil about how this gentleman
third day almost got married. About the marriage, however, did not
was not a word, but in the story flashed all the generals,
colonels and even gentleman of the bedchamber, and between them a little Zverkov
not in this chapter. Began approving laughter; Ferfichkin even squeaked.
All abandoned me, and I sat crushed and destroyed.
'Lord, if it's my company! - I thought. - And what a fool
I have exposed himself in front of them! I, however, to many
Ferfichkin allowed. *** think that after I did,
giving a seat at his desk, then they do not understand that
it's me, I do honor them and not me they are! '' Grown thin!
Costume! '' About damn pants! Zverkov have just now noticed
yellow spot on the knee... Yes that 's it! Now, this very
minute to get up from the table, take a hat and just walk away,
without saying a word... out of contempt! And tomorrow though
a duel. Crawlers. It is not the same seven rubles I regret.
Perhaps think... Damn! Do not pity me seven
rubles! This minute walk away!.. '' Of course, I stayed.
I drank grief Lafite and sherry glasses. unaccustomed
quickly becoming exhilarated, and with hops grown and annoyance. I suddenly
wanted to offend them all the most daring way
and then we will leave. Seize the moment and show themselves
- Let it be said: although ridiculous, so smart... and... and...
in a word, to hell with them! I boldly went past them all osolovelymi
eyes. But they just really have forgotten completely. Do
They had a noisy, flashy, fun. Saying all Zverkov.
I began to listen. Zverkov talked about some
lush lady whom he did finally brought to confession
(of course, lying like a horse), and that in this case especially
helped him to his intimate friend, some princeling, hussar
Kohl, whose three thousand souls.
- And yet this Kolya, who has three thousand souls,
not here as there is something to hold you - I suddenly got involved
in conversation. For a moment all were silent.
- You mention the time oo drunk - finally agreed to see
I Trudolyubov contemptuously mow in my direction.
Zverkov silently treated me like a bug. I lowered
eyes. Simonov haste began pouring champagne.
Trudolyubov raised his glass, followed by everyone except me.
- Your health and Godspeed! - He shouted Zverkov; -
in the old days, ladies and gentlemen, for our future, hurray!
All drunk and climbed to kiss Zverkov. I did not move;
full glass in front of me stood a plenty.
- Did not you become a drink? - Roared lost
patience Trudolyubov sternly turning to me.
- I mean speech with his hand, and especially...
Then drink, Mr. Trudolyubov. - Nasty spitfire! -
muttered Simonov. I straightened up in his chair and
took the glass in a fever, preparing for something extraordinary
and he still did not know what I would say.
- Silence! - Shouted Ferfichkin. - That's just crazy, it will be!
Zverkov waited very seriously, realizing what was happening.
- Mr. Lieutenant Zverkov - I said, - you know what I
I hate the phrase, phrase-mongers and tali with interceptions...
This is the first item, and for the symposium will be followed by the second.
All strongly moved. - The second point: I hate
strawberry and klubnichnikov. And especially klubnichnikov!
- The third point: I love truth, sincerity and honesty -
I went on almost as an afterthought, because he started
much to freeze in terror, not knowing how I was just saying... -
I love the idea, monsieur Zverkov; I love the present administration,
on an equal footing and not... um... I love you... And yet, why
Well? And I 'll drink to your health, Monsieur Zverkov. deceive
Circassian girls, shoot the enemies of the fatherland and... and... For your
health, Monsieur Zverkov! Zverkov rose from his chair,
bowed to me and said: - Thank you very much.
He was badly hurt and even pale.
- What the hell - Trudolyubov roared, striking the table
fist. - No, sir, for it in the face
beat! - Screamed Ferfichkin. - Kick it should be! -
muttered Simonov. - Not a word, gentlemen, no
gesture! - Triumphantly shouted Zverkov stopping
general indignation. - Thank you all, but I 'll be able itself
show him how much I appreciate his words.
- Mr. Ferfichkin, tomorrow, will you give me
Satisfaction for your seychashnie words! - loudly
I said, it is important to addressing Ferfichkin.
- That is a duel - with? Certainly, - he answered, but true, I
was so funny, cause, and so it did not go to my figure,
all, and for all and Ferfichkin and went with laughter.
- Yes, of course, throw it! After all, very very drunk! -
disgust Trudolyubov said.
- Never forgive myself that it recorded! - grumbled
Simonov again. ''Now would let
bottle at all '' - I thought, took the bottle and poured...
himself a full glass. ''... No, it is better to dosizhu
end! - I continued to think - you would be glad, ladies and gentlemen,
so I left. For anything. Purposely going to sit and drink until the end,
as a sign that you do not attach the slightest importance.
I'll sit here and drink, because here the pub, and I'm the money
entrance fee paid. I'll sit here and drink, because you for
pawns believe pawns for non-existent. I'll sit here and drink... and sing,
if I wanted to, yes, sir, and to sing, because the right is
I have... to sing... um.'' But I did not sing. I tried only
anyone of them do not look; to make independent
poses and was looking forward to me when they do,
first, the plot. But, alas, they are not talking. And as
would, as I wished at that moment to make peace with them!
It struck eight, at last nine. They moved from the table
on the sofa. Zverkov sprawled on the couch, putting one
foot on the round table. Moved there and wine. he
really put them three bottles of their own. me
of course, not invited. All obseli him on the couch.
They listened to him almost with reverence. It can be seen
was that he was loved. ''For what? for what? ''- I thought to
themselves. Occasionally they came in drunk delight and kissed.
They talked about the Caucasus, that is the true
passion about galbike about favorable places in the service; about
How much revenue have Podharzhevskogo Hussars, which
none of them knew personally, and rejoiced that he
a lot of income; about the extraordinary beauty and grace of Princess
D -y, which is also one of them had never seen;
finally got to the point that Shakespeare is immortal.
I smiled contemptuously and walked on the other side
rooms directly opposite the sofa, along a wall, away from the table to
stove and back again. Every way I wanted to show that I can
without them; and yet deliberately knocking boots
getting on his heels. But it was all in vain. They have something
and not paying attention. I had the patience to pass
so, right in front of them, from eight to eleven o'clock,
all at the same place on the table to the stove
and back from the stove to the table. '' So I go myself, and no one
can not forbid me.'' Enters the room servant
stopped several times to look at me; from frequent
turns me dizzy; minute it seemed to me,
I'm delirious. In those three hours three times I was sweating
and dried out. Sometimes the most profound, with poisonous pain pierced
in my heart the thought that it would take ten years, twenty
years, forty years, and I still, even after forty years,
with disgust and humiliation remember about these dirty,
Funny and dreadful moments of my entire life.
Unscrupulous and voluntarily humiliate himself was a
is no longer possible, and I am quite, quite aware of this and still
continued to walk away from the table to the stove and back again. ''Oh, if
you only knew what thoughts and feelings capable
I am and how I developed! ''- I thought minutes; mentally addressing
to the couch, where sat my enemies. But my enemies behaved
as if I were not in the room. Time, one
once they turned to me, just when Zverkov
spoke about Shakespeare, and I suddenly laughed scornfully.
I dressed and disgusted snort, they all at once
interrupted the conversation and watched in silence for two minutes, seriously,
not laughing as I walk along the wall, from the table to the stove,
and as I do not pay any attention to them. but nothing
did not work: they are not talking, and two minutes later again
I was thrown. The clock struck eleven. - Gentlemen, - cried
Zverkov, getting up from the couch - now all there.
- Of course, of course! - Other talking.
I have a sharp turn to the Zverkov. I was so exhausted, to
of kinked, that though stabbed, and an end! I had
fever; then soaked hair stuck to his forehead
and temples. - Zverkov! I ask you
pardon, - I said sharply and decisively - Ferfichkin,
and you, too, all, all, all I have offended!
- Yeah! duel is not your brother! - Hissed venomously
Ferfichkin. I was hurt by reznulo
heart. - No, I'm not afraid of a duel,
Ferfichkin! I am ready to fight you to-morrow, after the
reconciliation. I even insist on it, and you can not me
refuse. I want to prove to you that I am not afraid of a duel.
You'll be the first to shoot, and I shoot into the air.
- Himself harbors - said Simonov.
- Just to crack! - Said hard work.
- Yes, let go, that you in the way of steel!..
Well, what do you want? - Contemptuously replied Zverkov.
They were all red; eyes shone all: a lot of drinking.
- I beg your friendship, Zverkov I offended you, but...
- Hurt? Y-you! Mi- nya! Be aware, sir, that
you never, under any circumstances, can not
hurt me! - And quite with you, away! -
Trudolyubov sealed. - Let's go.
- Olympia, my gentlemen, bargain! - Shouted Zverkov.
- Do not dispute! do not dispute! - Answered him, laughing.
I was spat upon. Crowd of noisy out of the room,
Trudolyubov struck up some stupid song. Simonov remained
a tiny moment to give a tip servants. I suddenly
approached him. - Simon Give me six
rubles! - I said firmly and fiercely.
He looked at me in utter amazement some blunt
eyes. He was also drunk. - Yes, and do not you go with us?
- Yes! - I have no money! - cut
he sneered and walked out of the room.
I grabbed his overcoat. It was a nightmare.
- Simon I saw you had the money, why do you refuse me?
Am I a scoundrel? Beware refuse me: if you
know if you knew, what I'm asking! Depends on it
all, all my future, my plans.
Simonov pulled out the money and almost threw it to me.
- Take it, if you so shamelessly! - ruthlessly
he said, and ran to catch up with them.
I stayed for one minute. Mess, leftovers, broken
glass on the floor, spilled wine, cigarette butts, hops
and nonsense in your head, painful longing in my heart and, finally,
footman, all had seen and heard, and all the curious dropped in
my eyes. - There! - I cried. -
Or they're all on their knees, hugging my legs will be
beg for my friendship, or... or I'll give Zverkov
slap in the face!
Chapter 5
- So that's it, so here it is finally a collision
with reality - I muttered as he ran down headlong
the stairs. - It is to know, I do not dad, leaving
Rome and leaving to Brazil; it is to know, I do not ball on
Lake Como! '' You scoundrel! - flashed
in my head - coli on it now you laugh.''
- Let! - I cried, answering myself. - Now, after much
all is lost! They too trace; but
anyway, I know where they went.
At the porch stood a lone Vanka, nightlight in sermyaga,
powdered whole valivshimsya still wet and as
like warm snow. It was a twin and stuffy. little
shaggy piebald nag it was also all zaporoshena
and coughing; I really remember. I rushed to luboshnye sled;
but I only had raised his foot to get recollection
how Simonov had just given me six rubles,
and crippled me, and I like the bag, fell
on the sled. - No! Have a lot to do
For all this to buy! - I cried - but I will redeem
or in the same night, die on the spot. Go!
We set off. A vortex swirled in my head.
'On your knees to beg for my friendship - they will not.
This is a mirage, a mirage vulgar, disgusting, romantic
and fantastic; the same ball on Lake Como. And because
I have to give Zverkov slap! I have to give.
So, we decided; I 'm going now to give him a slap.''
- Errands! Vanka tugged the reins.
'How I will come in and give. Ought to say in front of slap
a few words in the form of a preface? No! Just come in and give.
They will all be sitting in the hall, and he on the couch with Olympia.
Cursed Olympia! She laughed again at my face
and refused me. I ottaskayu Olympia 's hair,
Zverkov and behind the ears! No, it is better for one ear and behind the ear, spend
it across the room. They may be, everyone will have
beat and pushed. It is even likely. Let! Yet I
first slapped: my initiative; and the laws of
honor - that's all; he was branded and no beatings
I do not wash away with a slap in the face, but to a duel. It should
will fight. Yes, and let them beat me now. Let
ignoble! Especially beat Trudolyubov:
he is so strong; Ferfichkin trailer side and certainly
the hair, I guess. But let, let them! I then went on. their
Baska lamb will also be forced to bite finally
in all this tragedy! When they haul
me to the door, I yell to them that, in fact, they
not worth my one little finger.'' - Errands, cabby, drive! -
I cried for Vanka. He shuddered and swung
whip. Very much I cried wildly.
'At dawn we fight, that's settled. From the Department of
It's over. Ferfichkin said just now, instead of the Department of
- Lepartament. But where to get the guns? Nonsense! I'll take
salary in advance and buy them. A gunpowder and bullets? this case is
second. And how to catch it all to the dawn? And where
I'll take a second? I do not know...''
- Nonsense! - I cried, vzvihrivayas more - nonsense!
'The first counter on the street, to which I will return, is obliged to
be my second exactly how to get out of
water drowning. Most cases of eccentric
should be allowed. If I should even itself Director
tomorrow asked in the seconds, then he should have been able to agree
one knight's feelings and to keep a secret! Anton
Antonovich... '' The fact is that in the same
Minute to me clearer and brighter than anyone else in the
around the world, presented all the vilest absurdity
my assumptions and the entire turnover of the coin, but...
- Errands, cabby, drive, rogue, drive!
- Oh, sir! - Said zemskaja power.
Cold suddenly engulfed me. ''Would not it be better... but not better
Whether... right now it home? Oh, my God! why, why
Yesterday I volunteered at this dinner! But no, it is impossible!
A walk about three hours from the table to the stove? There, they
they, and no one else should pay off for me
this walk! They should wash it infamy!''
- Errands! '' And what if they are part of me
give? Would not dare! Afraid of scandal. What if Zverkov
of contempt refuses to duel? It is even likely;
but I will prove it then... then I'll throw the mail
yard, when he will leave tomorrow, grab his leg,
pluck off his coat, he will climb into the wagon.
I vtseplyus teeth into his hand, I 'll bite him. ''Look
everything what can bring a desperate man!''
Let him hit me in the head, and all of them behind. I whole audience
scream: '' Look, here is a young puppy who
Circassian women rides captivate with my spit on your face!''
Of course, after that it's all over! Department
disappeared from the face of the earth. I was caught, I will be judged,
I was kicked out of the service, will be put in jail, send
Siberia, the settlement. No need! fifteen
years I dragged him in rags, the poor, when I
released from prison. I'll find it somewhere in the provincial
town. He is married and happy. He is an adult
daughter... I 'll say, '' Look, monster, look at my hollow
cheeks and my rags! I've lost everything - his career, happiness,
art, science, the woman he loves, and all because of you.
Here are pistols. I have come to discharge my pistol
and... and I forgive you.'' Then I will shoot into the air, and
me nothing has been heard... ''I was crying even though
knew exactly at the same moment,
that all of Silvio and of '' Masquerade '' Lermontov.
And suddenly I felt so ashamed, so ashamed,
I stopped the horse, got out of the sledge, and stood in
snow in the middle of the street. Vanka with amazement and sighing
looked at me. ''What could I do? And there
it was impossible - out nonsense; and leave the case can not be
because what can you come out... Lord, How can this be
leave! And after such insults!''
- No! - Vskliknul I, again throwing in his sleigh - it is intended
it's a rock! to urge, urge on, there!
And in my impatience I punched a cab in the neck.
- What are you, what you fight? - Cried the little man, lashing,
however, to nag, so she began to kick back
feet.
Heavy snow was falling in large flakes; I opened up, I was not
before him. I forgot everything else, because the final
decided to slap and felt with horror that this is
would be sure now, now happen, and certainly no
forces can not be stopped. Desert lights sullenly
flashed in the snowy darkness like torches at a funeral.
Snow nabilsya under my overcoat, a coat, a tie
and melted there; I was not closed: it too was without all
lost! Finally we arrived. I jumped out, almost unconscious,
ran up the steps and began knocking on the door of his hands
and feet. Especially the legs, the knees, I have terrible
weakened. Once opened the soon; knew exactly about my arrival.
(Indeed, Simonov notifying that may
be still be one, but here it was necessary shall notify
and generally taking precautions. It was one of those of the then
'Trendy shops '' that have long been destroyed now
police. Day and in fact it was a store; and
in the evenings having a recommendation could come to
guests). I went with rapid steps through the dark shop
into the familiar room, where only one burning candle,
and stopped in amazement: there was no one.
- Where are they? - I asked someone.
But of course they have had time to disperse...
Before me there was one person with a stupid smile,
the mistress, who knew me somewhat. A minute later opened
door and entered another person. Not paying any attention to that,
I walked around the room and seems to talking to himself. I was
just saved from death, and his whole being
happily this premonition: because I'd slapped,
I would certainly, certainly slapped! but now
they do not... and it was gone, everything has changed!.. I looked.
I still could not figure out. Instinctively I looked at
was incorporated Woman in front of me flashed fresh,
young, somewhat pale face, with straight dark
eyebrows, with a serious and seemingly more amused
look. I liked it immediately; I would have hated
her if she was smiling. I peered closer
and as if with an effort: thinking is not all together. Something
ingenuous and kind was in her face, but somehow to
strangely serious. I am sure that it is this
lost, and one of those fools nobody noticed. However,
she could not be called a beauty, though, and was
tall, strong, well built. dressed extremely
simply. Something nasty bit me; I went straight to the
it... I accidentally looked at
mirror. The troubled my face seemed to me
disgusting to the extreme: a pale, evil, vile, with
shaggy hair. ''It let this I am glad - thought
I - I was just glad that I shall seem repulsive to her; I
it's nice...''