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LOOK AT THESE PICTURES OF ANGELINA JOLIE AND HER BABY.
THAT IS SO SWEET.
WHAT AN AMAZING WOMAN.
SHE TRAVELS THE WORLD HELPING PEOPLE, CHANGING LIVES.
MOST WOMEN IN HER POSITION WOULD SPEND THEIR DAYS SHOPPING.
THESE ARE THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME THINK ABOUT
WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE.
I GOT TO GET IT TOGETHER.
LOOK AT THESE OLD PHOTOS OF AUDREY HEPBURN.
SHE'S STUNNING, AND ALL SHE DID
WAS GIVE HER LIFE TO HELP CHILDREN.
SHE'S JUST AN ANGEL.
THEY'RE BOTH ANGELS.
SHE DIDN'T STOP TILL THE VERY END.
YOU KNOW, THAT CHICKEN POT PIE I HAD FOR LUNCH WAS ***.
I SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE CAESAR.
UGH!
YOU ATE IT.
AGAIN WITH THE PICTURES OF ME EATING THE PASTA.
WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SHOW PICTURES OF ME EATING?
THAT'S UNFORTUNATE.
UGH.
I NEED TO GET ON THAT HERO PAGE.
THAT'S WHAT I NEED TO DO.
THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT, RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S WHERE THE REAL PUBLICITY LIES.
ONE TIME I VOLUNTEERED ON THANKSGIVING,
AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW, I'LL FOREGO THE GAME
"AND THE PARADE AND EVERYTHING,
"AND I'LL COME IN AND I'LL SERVE FOOD,
"YOU KNOW, IN THOSE LINES TO THOSE PEOPLE
"THAT ARE ALL GROSS AND DIRTY THAT ARE SITTING AROUND
WHERE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY PLACE TO GO."
HOMELESS?
THOSE GUYS, YEAH.
I SAID, "YOU KNOW, I WON'T EVEN WATCH THE GAME.
I'LL SPEND ALL DAY SHOVELING OUT FOOD FOR THESE PEOPLE,"
AND THEY WOULDN'T LET ME NEAR THE PLACE.
ISN'T THAT WEIRD?
YEAH. YEAH.
I DON'T REALLY GET WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
THERE MUST BE SOME KIND OF A POLITICAL THING
THAT YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH OR SOMETHING
TO GET INTO ONE OF THOSE CHARITY THINGS.
I GUESS YOU JUST THROW OUT A COUPLE OF BAGS OF RICE
AND SOME GUM OR SOME BEANS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE THE SPOKESPERSON
FOR SOME STARVING, LIKE, CREW OR SOMETHING,
AND I THINK I SHOULD DO THAT,
BECAUSE I THINK THAT'S WHY THOSE GIRLS GET MOVIES.
THE SECOND THEY COME BACK -- SEE THAT? --
YOU'RE SAYING, "THAT GIRL HAS DONE THAT."
THE SECOND THEY COME BACK FROM THAT COUNTRY, "HELLO.
STEVEN SPIELBERG. I'VE GOT A MOVIE FOR YOU."
YEAH.
WHAT MORE IS THERE TO THE EQUATION?
I FEEL SO BIG AND BLOATED.
YOU'RE GOING CUCKOO. YOU JUST HAD A BABY.
I KNOW I JUST HAD A BABY, BUT STILL,
I'M STILL A LITTLE CHUBBY.
WHAT? YOU'RE LOSING IT! DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YEAH, BUT I'M, LIKE, GETTING INTO KIRSTIE ALLEY TERRITORY.
THAT'S WHAT I AM. I'M "KIRSTIE ALLEY" FAT.
[ LAUGHS ] I AM.
OH, MY GOD.
UH, HUGE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS FOR KIRSTIE.
HUGE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS.
OH, MY GOD, BEAUTIFUL!
ARE THOSE FROM KID?
I DOUBT IT.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ MY PERSONAL NOTES.
I'M JUST SCREENING. THAT'S PART OF MY JOB.
"I'M SO SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME. REGARDS, LEAH REMINI."
OOH. SHE'S FREAKED OUT.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, I DON'T --
I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME PITY GIFTS.
THAT'S A PITY GIFT.
YEAH. WELL, SHE *** UP.
BUT IT'S PRETTY. I LIKE THOSE HYDRANGEAS.
YES.
IT'S A PRETTY PITY GIFT.
YEAH. AT LEAST IT'S PRETTY.
I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY, LEAH.
THAT'S OBSESSIVE.
WHAT IS THIS?
UH, THESE ARE TWO GOLDFISH.
THIS IS A HUGE STUFFED BEAR NAMED MANGO...
JUST TO TELL YOU HOW THIN YOU REALLY ARE.
IS THIS FROM KID?
NO.
AY, AY, AY, AY, AY, AY, AY, AY!
"A GENEROUS DONATION HAS BEEN MADE IN YOUR NAME...
"...TO THE L.A. ZOO...
"AND THE LONG BEACH AQUARIUM.
WITH MY SINCERE APOLOGIES, LEAH."
OKAY, SHE'S SICK. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HER.
YEAH.
OH, NO.
MAYBE I'M A LITTLE CHUBBY, BUT I AM NOT FAT LIKE THAT.
I'M NOT THAT FAT.
YEAH. NO, NO.
I AGREE.
NO, NO. NO.
YOU ARE NOT.
BUT DO YOU KNOW --
YEAH. YOU SHOULD --
YOU KNOW, WE WERE THINKING, THOUGH,
AS A WAY TO BE --
YOU SHOULD HAVE A SUPPORT GROUP.
IF YOU WANTED,
WE WOULD LOVE TO GO ON A DIET WITH YOU.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, YOU'VE GOT WORKOUT PARTNERS.
WE'LL BE YOUR DIET PARTNERS.
'CAUSE THEN YOU'D STICK TO IT
BECAUSE WE'D BE EATING WITH YOU EVERY DAY.
I DON'T TAKE DIET ADVICE FROM YOU GUYS.
THAT'S WHY I HAVE QUINN. GIVE ME THE PHONE.
WE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING SIMPLER, LIKE ATKINS.
I KNOW. I'M NOT SAYING NO.
WE THREW AROUND THE ZONE OR TRIM SPA.
I'M NOT SAYING WE CAN'T DO THOSE.
I'M JUST SAYING I'M GONNA FIND OUT
WHAT SHE THINKS WE SHOULD DO.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
HELLO?
Quinn, it's Kirstie. Are you busy?
MNH-MNH. NO. I'M JUST EATING DINNER. WHY?
Here's the deal --
I NEED A DIET
THAT KEVYN AND EDDIE AND I CAN DO TOGETHER.
WE ALL --
THEY WANT TO DIET WITH ME, SORT OF A TEAM EFFORT.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD. YOU DIDN'T GET FAT EATING ALONE.
YOU GOT FAT EATING WITH THEM.
UGH. I KNEW IT WAS THEIR FAULT.
THINK OF SOMETHING.
LET ME SEE --
SOMETHING THAT YOU COULD DO WITH KEVYN AND EDDIE.
Yeah, but you know what?
It's got to be something that will make me super thin,
BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THE SPOKESPERSON
FOR STARVING CHILDREN.
OKAY, I'VE GOT THE PERFECT THING.
WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING EXOTIC,
LIKE ACQUIRE A PARASITE -- ALL THREE OF YOU?
HMM. WHERE DO WE GET PARASITES?
YOU COULD GO ON VACATION -- YOU KNOW, SOMEWHERE EXOTIC,
LIKE ASIA... INDIA, AFRICA.
YOU EAT THE FOOD, YOU DRINK THE WATER,
LICK A LOCAL, YOU GET THE PARASITE.
ANY OLD PARASITE?
YEAH, I VOTE "NO" ON PARASITES.
You lose weight,
YOU GO BACK, YOU'RE LIKE THIS NATIONAL CHARITY SPOKESPERSON
'CAUSE YOU FEEL SO BAD BECAUSE EVERYBODY WAS SO SKINNY
AND YOU FELT BAD FOR THEM, AND YOU GO TO HELP THEM OUT.
BINGO -- PERFECT PRESS OPPORTUNITY,
AND YOU'RE SKINNY.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE'RE GONNA DIE. THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.
SHE WANTS US TO GET A PARASITE.
A PARASITE?
YEAH, WELL, I VOTE "NO *** WAY" ON THE PARASITE.
LET ME ASK YOU THIS -- NOW, WHEN YOU'RE DONE
LOSING ALL THE WEIGHT AND YOU STILL HAVE THE PARASITE IN YOU,
I MEAN, ISN'T A PARASITE SORT OF LIKE A TAPEWORM --
IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER?
[ LAUGHS ]
HONEY, YOU COULD HOST AN ANACONDA IN THAT GUT
AND YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY FOR A FEW YEARS.
YEAH, OKAY.
I THINK THIS PARASITE THING SOUNDS INTERESTING.
I'M GONNA RUN THAT PAST THE TEAM.
OKAY. SEE YA.
PARASITES.
[ SIGHS ]
ARE YOU HUNGRY?
HUH? ARE YOU HUNGRY?
I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE A SOMETHING-SOMETHING FOR YOU.
HERE YOU GO.
THAT'S GOOD.
HELLO!
HELLO, BLOSSOM.
HEY, FATSO.
CAN I COME IN? THANKS. HOW'S IT GOING?
WELL, IT'S GOING FINE.
I WAS JUST FEEDING MY NEW GOLDFISH.
I WAS VERY TRANQUIL.
WAS VERY TRANQUIL.
BAD DAY?
NO, NOT AT ALL. WHY?
WELL, I JUST COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICING
ALL THE FLOWERS AND THE GIFTS, AND I DON'T KNOW --
IT LOOKED LIKE MAYBE SOMEBODY WAS APOLOGIZING FOR SOMETHING.
NO, NOT AT ALL.
ALL THESE FLOWERS AND GIFTS ARE FROM MY NEW BOYFRIEND,
KID ROCK.
[ Laughing ] YEAH, HE'S YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND.
AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN MY BACKYARD ANYWAY?
I FIGURED OUT THE GATE CODE.
HOW'D YOU DO THAT?
IT'S 123. IT WAS THE FIRST ONE I TRIED.
REALLY? WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MOST PEOPLE THINK THAT IS JUST TOO STUPID TO TRY.
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL... I DON'T WANT TO BRAG,
BUT I'M KIND OF A GENIUS.
I'M GETTING MY DOCTORATE IN --
OH, YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
THE WORDS ARE TOO BIG.
HOW CAN I EXPLAIN IN SIMPLE TERMS?
I DON'T KNOW, BLOSSOM, BUT MAKE IT FAST.
I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME. I'M EXPECTING A CALL FROM KID.
WELL, I CAME ACROSS SOMETHING
THAT I THOUGHT MIGHT BE OF INTEREST TO YOU.
SAY IT, SISTER, SAY IT.
UNLIKE GOLDFISH,
KOI GROW TO THE SIZE OF THE POND THAT THEY'RE IN.
SMALL POND, SMALL FISH -- LARGE POND, LARGE FISH.
GET IT?
YEAH. I DO.
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
WELL, IT COULD BE THAT YOU HAVE BECOME...
LARGER...
BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN SUCH A LARGE HOUSE,
AND MAYBE YOU COULD BECOME SMALLER
IF YOU MOVED TO A SMALLER HOUSE.
CHANGE YOUR PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT,
AND YOUR BODY WILL FOLLOW.
ARE YOU JUST MAKING UP ALL THIS ***?
NO, I DIDN'T MAKE IT UP. IT'S A REAL SCIENTIFIC THEORY.
YOU SHOULD GET, UM, YOUR ASSISTANT --
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
BILLY?
EDDIE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE EDDIE LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET --
DR. SIGMUND VON OY, THE KOI EFFECT.
OR YOU COULD HAVE EDDIE CALL ME,
AND I'LL GIVE HIM THE INFORMATION.
OR I COULD TAKE EDDIE OVER TO MEET DR. VON OY,
OR DR. VON OY COULD PAY A HOUSE VISIT.
HALT!
ALL I'M SAYING IS, "WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?"
[ LAUGHS ] WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?
THE KOI EFFECT SOUNDS MORE PROMISING THAN A PARASITE,
BUT THERE ARE SO MORE REASONABLE WAYS TO LOSE WEIGHT,
LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, NOT EATING WAFFLES WITH MAPLE SYRUP.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
QUINN IS NOT REASONABLE AT ALL, AND SHE IS STICK THIN.
QUINN'S AN ANOREXIC NUT JOB.
YEAH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
FOR ONCE -- I DON'T USUALLY AGREE WITH EDDIE,
BUT I HAVE TO ON THIS ONE.
YEAH, I THINK SHE COULD KILL US.
SHE'S DANGEROUS.
OH, I GET IT. I GET IT.
WHEN IT'S JUST FOR ME, THEN QUINN IS FINE,
BUT WHEN IT'S THE TWO OF YOU,
THEN QUINN IS A NUT JOB.
I GET IT. YEAH. RIGHT. NO.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TEAM SPIRIT?
WE VOTED AS A TEAM ON THE PARASITE.
THE TEAM VOTED "NO."
SHE WAS TOO CHICKEN TO EAT A PARASITE.
OKAY, RIGHT. LIKE YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO EAT A PARASITE.
I'D EAT A PARASITE.
FIRST OF ALL, I GAVE YOU GUYS THREE CHOICES --
THREE CHOICES -- THE PARASITE,
THE BUTT PLUGS, OR THE KOI EFFECT.
YEAH, THOSE ARE NOT GREAT OPTIONS.
YOU KNOCKED DOWN THE BUTT PLUGS, LIKE, IN A HEARTBEAT.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
'CAUSE I'M A STRAIGHT MAN, ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S VON OY -- THE KOI EFFECT.
GIVE IT A TRY AND DON'T EMBARRASS ME.
I'M SO NOT DONE.
I'M SO EXCITED.
[ GASPS ] DR. VON OY, I PRESUME?
YES.
I'M KIRSTIE ALLEY. PLEASE COME IN.
OHH.
THESE ARE MY FRIENDS. THIS IS KEVYN.
THIS IS EDDIE. DR. VON OY.
OH, THIS IS SO NICE,
BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO DO THE PROGRAM WITH FRIENDS
AND PARTICULARLY WHEN THE FRIENDS
ARE A LITTLE BIT SMALLER.
YES!
AND THEY ARE DEFINITELY SMALLER, ESPECIALLY HER.
SHE'S THAT LITTLE DWARF-ARM. SHE'S TINY.
YEAH.
OH, PLEASE, COME INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
I'M SO HONORED TO HAVE YOU HERE.
EEE!
OHH.
HAS THERE BEEN A DEATH?
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, QUITE THE OPPOSITE.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, A NEW BOYFRIEND OF MINE --
YOU KNOW, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THE GOOD.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
GREAT.
SO, I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY KOI EFFECT.
OH, ABSOLUTELY. I'M DYING TO HEAR.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY YOU KNOW THAT ALL MATTER
AND ALL HUMAN ORGANISMS ARE MADE OF MOLECULES.
AND IN BETWEEN THOSE MOLECULES,
WE HAVE EMPTY SPACE,
AND THAT EMPTY SPACE
IS CONTROLLED BY OUR THOUGHTS.
[ GASPS ]
SO, I'M NOT EVEN FAT, I'M JUST SPACED.
YOU ARE --
YOU'RE SPREAD OUT ACROSS AN UNNECESSARILY WIDE AREA.
THAT IS SO MUCH DIFFERENT, THOUGH!
THAT IS SO MUCH EASIER TO CONFRONT.
AND SO, IN ORDER TO BECOME SMALL,
WE MUST THINK SMALL.
I LOVE THAT!
NOW, ONE THING WE CAN BEGIN WITH IMMEDIATELY
IS THAT WE SHOULD SPEAK WITH A SMALL VOICE --
A SMALL VOICE THAT COMES FROM A SMALLER PERSON.
[ Squeaking ] I LOVE THAT.
EXACTLY.
WE DON'T WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH BIG, BIG, BIG PEOPLE.
WE DON'T WANT BIG PEOPLE AROUND US.
WE WANT TO HAVE SMALLER PEOPLE AROUND US.
FOOD, FOR EXAMPLE --
NOW, AN IDEAL BREAKFAST --
LET'S SAY A COUPLE OF QUAIL EGGS
AND MAYBE A LITTLE TANG IN A DIXIE CUP
AND PERHAPS A CROUTON OR TWO
WITH SOME BUTTER AND JAM.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS,
LET'S REDUCE OUR PORTION SIZES, RIGHT?
SO, IF WE EAT A LITTLE LESS, WE'LL LOSE WEIGHT.
IS THAT THE THEORY, BASICALLY, IN A NUTSHELL?
IS THAT THE HEART OF THE THEORY?
NO, IT'S NOT.
YOU SEE, THE HEART OF THE THEORY
IS THAT EVERYTHING MUST BE SMALL.
FOR EXAMPLE, YOU'LL HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF THIS HOUSE.
SO, WAIT A MINUTE.
IF SHE MOVES INTO A SMALLER SPACE,
SHE'S GONNA BE SMALLER?
YES, BECAUSE HER THOUGHTS WILL SHRINK
WITH THE SIZE OF THE ENVIRONMENT.
YOU CAN BEGIN BY MOVING INTO A SMALL PART OF YOUR HOUSE.
WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.
I THINK THAT MAYBE EDDIE
WOULD ENJOY DOING A SMALL EXERCISE.
I ALWAYS FIND THIS ONE QUITE FUN.
SEE, I HAVE THESE VERY SPECIAL...
LITTLE SHOES HERE.
THEY'RE DOLL SHOES.
THEY'RE CUTE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A LITTLE "T" STRAP.
THEY DO.
I THINK WHAT WE WANT TO DO IS BEGIN BY CLOSING OUR EYES.
WHEN WE CLOSE OUR EYES,
WE'RE GOING TO TRY MENTALLY TO SHRINK A LITTLE BIT,
AND WE'RE GONNA START WITH OUR HEAD,
AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL
THAT YOUR EARS ARE MOVING TOWARD EACH OTHER --
LITTLE EARS MOVING TOWARD EACH OTHER --
AND THEN THAT YOUR NOSE IS COMING IN
TOWARD THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD SO THAT YOUR WHOLE HEAD
IS SORT OF SHRINKING AND GETTING SMALLER,
AND YOUR NECK IS GETTING SHORTER,
AND YOUR CHEST IS BECOMING
A LITTLE TINY CHEST,
AND YOUR FEET ARE GETTING SO SMALL,
THEY'RE LIKE A BABY'S FEET,
AND YOU CAN WIGGLE YOUR LITTLE TOES.
THEY'RE LIKE A BABY'S TOES.
AND NOW I WANT YOU TO IMAGINE
PUTTING YOUR LITTLE TINY FEET
INTO THOSE LITTLE TINY DOLL SHOES.
AND NOW, VERY SLOWLY,
LET'S OPEN OUR EYES.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO FIND SOMETHING...
VERY SURPRISING.
YOUR FEET ARE A LITTLE BIT SMALLER.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
Kevyn: WOW.
MINE AREN'T JUST A LITTLE BIT SMALLER.
MINE ARE, LIKE, A SIZE AND A HALF SMALLER.
YEAH. LIKE, THEY FEEL LIKE THEY'RE NOT MY SHOES.
Eddie: WELL, YOU'RE CURLING YOUR TOES IN.
YOU'RE PULLING YOUR TOES IN LIKE THAT.
IT'S AN AMAZING LITTLE EXERCISE.
DON'T YOU AGREE, EDDIE?
ACTUALLY, I DON'T AGREE.
MY FEET ARE EXACTLY THE SAME SIZE.
WHAT'S THAT DO TO YOUR THEORY?
NOW, EDDIE...
WHAT?
...YOU ARE IN THE STATE
OF WHAT WE DOCTORS CALL "DENIAL."
YOUR FEET ARE SMALLER.
NO, THEY'RE NOT. NO, THEY'RE NOT.
MY FEET ARE THE SAME SIZE, AND SO ARE HERS.
SHE'S SCRUNCHING HER TOES, SO SHE'S CHEATING.
I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR SO MANY YEARS,
DEALING WITH THE KOI EFFECT,
AND THE FUNNY THING IS
THE WOMEN ALWAYS GET IT.
YEAH.
THEY GET IT MORE QUICKLY THAN THE MEN.
WE'RE NOT GULLIBLE, AND YOU GUYS ARE GULLIBLE.
Kirstie: YOU'RE NAYSAYERS.
HI. HOW YOU DOING?
I WANTED TO SEE --
YEAH, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
NOT IN THE MOOD FOR WHAT?
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR SOME GUY THAT SLEPT WITH ME
AND THEN DIDN'T CALL,
DIDN'T E-MAIL, DIDN'T TEXT-MESSAGE.
I HAVE BEEN SO CRAZY BUSY.
I'VE BEEN ON LOCATION. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNEW THIS WAS ABOUT ME. I KNEW THIS WAS ABOUT ME.
YOU KNEW WHAT WAS ABOUT YOU?
UH, OH, I DON'T KNOW --
THE KOI EFFECT, DR. VAN OY, ALL THAT ***.
IT'S VON OY.
OH, IS IT VON OY?
YOU KNOW, LAST TIME I CHECKED,
YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SCIENCE.
YEAH, BUT I DO KNOW A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT CON ARTISTS.
ARE YOU CALLING ME A CON ARTIST?
YES, I AM.
I THINK YOU MADE UP THIS WHOLE THEORY --
YOU CAME UP WITH THIS WHOLE KOI EFFECT,
THIS WHOLE EXPERIMENTAL *** --
SO YOU COULD SEE ME.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT? YOU'RE A *** IDIOT.
I'M A *** IDIOT? REALLY?
AND IT IS A VALID SCIENTIFIC THEORY.
OH, IT IS? OH, REALLY?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I'M NOT DONE.
BYE-BYE.
I'M NOT DONE, I SAID.
HEY! HEY!
EXCUSE ME!
WHAT?!
OKAY, LOOK... I'M SORRY I DIDN'T CALL YOU.
[ MOANING ]
♪ HAVE YOU EVER, EVER, EVER IN YOUR SHORT-LEGGED LIFE ♪
♪ SEEN A SHORT-LEGGED SAILOR WITH A SHORT-LEGGED WIFE? ♪
KIRSTIE?
LEAH REMINI'S AT THE FRONT DOOR,
AND IT LOOKS AS IF SHE HAS ANOTHER GIFT WITH HER.
FOR ME?
OH, TELL HER TO COME ON IN AND GIVE IT TO ME.
ARE YOU SURE? SHOULD I LET HER IN?
OF COURSE I WANT HER TO COME IN.
HOW DO I EXPLAIN TINY TOWN HERE?
IF LEAH REMINI DOESN'T LIKE MY PEEPS,
THEN I DON'T LIKE LEAH.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
I WILL! I WILL!
I WILL!
♪ DID YOU EVER SEE A LASSIE ♪
♪ GO THIS WAY? ♪
[ CLEARS THROAT ] OH.
HI.
HI. UM, I'M LEAH.
YEAH. I'M KEVYN. I ACTUALLY MET YOU YESTERDAY.
OH, YES. THAT WAS AN AWKWARD --
IT WAS AWKWARD, YEAH, YEAH.
I'M SORRY I'M BEING INTRUSIVE,
BUT I REALLY FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT.
I REALLY WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO KIRSTIE IN PERSON IF I MAY.
SURE. WHY DON'T YOU COME ON IN?
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YEAH, SHE'S RIGHT IN...
OH, OKAY.
OH.
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
♪ IT'S YOUR TIME TO LEAD ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
SO, SHE'S -- SHE'S HAVING A LITTLE PARTY?
YEAH.
AND I MEAN LITTLE.
WELL, IT'S GREAT.
IT'S THE KOI EFFECT.
THE KOI EFFECT? I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH THAT.
OH, THE KOI EFFECT, DR. VON OY --
IT'S WHERE YOU GIVE YOURSELF A SMALL ENVIRONMENT,
YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SMALL PEOPLE,
AND THEN YOU BECOME SMALLER.
AHH. THE KOI EFFECT.
YEAH.
♪ ♪
THIS IS NOT BECAUSE OF ME, IS IT?
WELL, YEAH, YOU PRETTY MUCH SHOVED HER OVER THE EDGE.
WELL, NO, I DIDN'T MEAN --
THE THING IS THAT THAT IT REALLY STARTED, THOUGH,
WHEN SHE SAW THIS ARTICLE ON HOLLYWOOD HEROES
IN THE STAR MAGAZINE.
OH, I FEEL HORRIBLE.
SHE REALLY WANTS TO RAISE MONEY FOR THESE THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES,
BUT SHE'S, LIKE YOU SAID, "KIRSTIE ALLEY" FAT.
I WISH YOU WOULDN'T REPEAT THAT.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
THAT SHE'S GONNA LOSE SOME WEIGHT IS THE POINT,
SO SHE'S TRYING ANYTHING SHE CAN
SO THAT PEOPLE WILL LET HER NEAR RATIONS AT SOME POINT.
RIGHT.
[ Breathlessly ] HI. HI. EXCUSE ME.
HI, LEAH. HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
OH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YEAH, UM, LOOK, I KNOW YOU --
I FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT WHAT I SAID,
'CAUSE I MEAN, WHO AM I TO TALK, YOU KNOW?
I'M BIG, TOO.
I JUST HAD A BABY.
WE COULD ALL STAND TO LOSE A FEW.
YEAH.
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT AT ALL.
WELL, I WANTED TO BRING YOU SOME GIFTS.
I GOT YOU SOME CHOC-- THAT'S FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.
NOT THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY,
BUT, UM... YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T.
DON'T RUB IT IN.
OH, I'M SORRY. CAN I GIVE IT TO HER?
I'M NOT LIKE A TASTER OR ANYTHING.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
SEE WHAT IT IS.
[ GASPS ] OHH! OHH!
IT'S A DIAMOND TIARA.
OH, IT'S SO VERY PRETTY, ISN'T IT?
OH, MY GOODNESS! LOOK, EVERYBODY!
PEEPS, PEEPS!
I AM THE QUEEN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ON BEHALF OF MY PEEPS -- THEY SAY THANK YOU, TOO.
OH, OKAY. I GUESS THAT'S IT.
YOU ACCEPT MY APOLOGY?
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE I CAN GET YOU, IS THERE?
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, UM, NO.
MY PEEPS WERE SAYING
THAT WE WOULD LIKE A LITTLE TEENY-TINY CAR.
YOU KNOW, THEY CALL THEM LITTLE MINI COOPERS.
YOU COULD GET A LITTLE MINI MINI COOPER.
LIKE, A LITTLE --
LIKE, ONE OF THOSE TOYS --
NO, LIKE A REAL CAR FOR ME AND MY PEEPS TO RIDE IN,
LIKE A LITTLE MINI COOPER.
YOU WANT ME TO BUY YOU A CAR?
YES, LEAH REMINI.
*** YOU, OKAY?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR *** MIND?
YOU WANT ME TO BUY YOU A CAR?
OKAY.
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY. OKAY?
YOU WANT ME TO BUY YOU A CAR, KIRSTIE?
AM I FROM "CHEERS," HUH?
CAN I BUY HOUSES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
AND REDECORATE THEM 50,000 TIMES?
NO, I CAN'T. I'M ON CBS, KIRSTIE.
YOU HAVE SOME REAL *** BALLS. YOU REALLY DO.
I'M NOT OVERREACTING. SHE'S REALLY LOST HER MIND.
I MEAN, I'M TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU,
AND YOU'RE ASKING ME FOR A *** CAR?
YOU SHOULD DO A LITTLE LESS WORRYING
ABOUT YOUR *** WEIGHT AND DEAL WITH THIS,
'CAUSE YOU'VE CLEARLY GONE OUT OF YOUR *** MIND.
SO TAKE YOUR LITTLE *** PEOPLE HERE
AND JUST HAVE A GREAT *** TIME,
BUT YOU'RE REALLY OUT OF IT.
YOU JUST LOST IT.
OKAY.
YOU STEPPED OVER THE LINE, KIRSTIE, ALL RIGHT?
WHEN SOMEBODY TRIES TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU,
YOU SAY, "OKAY, THANK YOU."
ALL RIGHT? IT'S DONE.
OKAY, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
LET'S DANCE, PEEPS, LET'S DANCE!
[ MUSIC RESUMES ]
DAMN IT. DAMN IT.
I LOST MY --
THAT WAS WRONG. I SHOULDN'T HAVE YELLED.
I DID IT AGAIN.
I'LL GET HER THE *** CAR. WHAT COLOR?
I KNOW SHE LIKES RED.
RED IT IS.
WANT TO DANCE WITH US, LEAH REMINI?
I'LL HOLD YOUR BAG IF YOU WANT TO CONGA.
SURE. LET ME CONGA.
WATCH OUT. I DON'T WANT TO STEP ON ANYBODY.
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
OH, BOY.
THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLE, AS ALWAYS.
YEAH, IT WASN'T AS GOOD AS THE FIRST TIME, BUT --
WHAT? I THOUGHT IT WAS AMAZING.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OH, NEVER MIND.
NO, WHAT?
WELL, WHEN YOU MET WITH DR. VON OY,
DID HE HAPPEN TO DO
ANY OF HIS FAMOUS PATENTED SHRINKING EXERCISES?
YOU MEAN WHERE I CLOSE MY EYES
AND I THINK MYSELF INTO THESE LITTLE DOLL SHOES,
ALL THAT ***?
AND YOU SHRINK YOURSELF FROM YOUR HEAD DOWN TO YOUR FEET?
YEAH. OOH.
WELL, UM... ANATOMICALLY SPEAKING,
THE FEET CORRESPOND TO OTHER PARTS OF THE HUMAN BODY IN SIZE.
OKAY.
YOU SHRANK.
WHAT? I DID NOT.
YOU SHRANK.
OH, STOP IT. THAT'S A *** THEORY.
YOU'RE SAYING MY *** SHRANK?
IT SHRANK.
IT DIDN'T SHRINK. IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME SIZE.
WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO BELIEVE, YOU KNOW?
IT'S NOT THE MEAT, IT'S THE MOTION.
SIZE DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER.
[ MUTTERING ]
CALL ME!
[ LAUGHS ]
I AM A *** GENIUS!
HEY, KIRSTIE.
KIRSTIE!
SHH. SHE'S WEIGHING.
WHAT?
HONEST TO GOD, SHE'S LOST WEIGHT.
Kirstie: OHH! OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! I'VE LOST THREE POUNDS!
OH, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
THIS IS FANTASTIC! I'VE LOST THREE POUNDS.
JESUS CHRIST, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH.
PUSH HER! MOVE YOUR HEAD.
PUSH THIS HIP DOWN. PUSH THIS HIP DOWN.
DON'T HURT MY SCIATICA.
TURN TO THE SIDE.
ALL RIGHT, THERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT.
WHAT IS GOING ON? WHAT IS THIS?
WELL, THE KOI EFFECT IS REALLY WORKING.
I'M REALLY SHRINKING.
THIS IS GETTING -- THIS IS CRAZY.
I VOTE FOR THE PARASITE. I WANT THE PARASITE.
THIS KOI EFFECT THING IS DANGEROUS.
IT'S GETTING TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.
LEAH REMINI, EDDIE.
OH, HEY. HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO MEET YOU.
IT'S NOT GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.
A PARASITE WILL KILL US.
ARE YOU CRAZY? THIS'LL KILL US!
WE VOTED ON THE KOI EFFECT, EDDIE.
I DON'T CARE. THE KOI EFFECT IS DANGEROUS.
Kirstie: [ Normal voice ] THE KOI EFFECT IS WORKING.
I'M SHRINKING. I'VE LOST THREE POUNDS.
I'M SHRINKING, TOO, APPARENTLY, OKAY?
I WANT THE PARASITE, OKAY? I VOTE FOR THE PARASITE.
THIS KOI EFFECT IS QUANTUM PHYSICS.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE *** YOU'RE DEALING WITH.
ALL RIGHT, FINE! WE GO WITH THE PARASITE!
THANK YOU.
WHAT? WHAT?
WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY?
I LOST THREE POUNDS DOING THE KOI EFFECT.
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPY FOR ME.
IT'S NOT THAT WE'RE NOT HAPPY FOR YOU.
WE'RE *** HAPPY, ALL RIGHT?
NOW, CALL US WHEN THE PARASITE EATS THROUGH TO YOUR BRAIN
AND YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
DID I SAY SOMETHING OR DO SOMETHING TO OFFEND YOU?
WE DON'T MIND COMING OVER HERE LIKE DRUNKEN CHILDREN
ON A *** PLAYDATE JUST TO HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT.
WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
OH, NOW, COME ON, YOU GUYS. PLEASE, PLEASE?
GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE, PEEPS, PLEASE?
YOU CLEARLY WOULD RATHER EAT A PARASITE
THAN SPEND TIME WITH US.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
THE ONLY REASON I WAS GOING WITH THE PARASITE
IS BECAUSE I WANT TO BE ON THE COVER OF STAR MAGAZINE
AS THE HERO OF THE WEEK, AND IN ORDER TO DO THAT,
I'VE GOT TO GET A PARASITE AND GO TO A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY
WHERE CHILDREN ARE STARVING SO I CAN BE THEIR LEADER.
IF YOU PRICK US, DO WE NOT BLEED?
WHO'S GONNA SPEAK FOR US?
WHO'S GONNA SEE THAT WE WORK TO FEED OUR FAMILIES?
WE WERE HOPING IF WE HELPED YOU,
YOU WOULD HELP US, KIRSTIE ALLEY.
I'LL HELP YOU.
A BIG TV STAR LIKE YOU?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'LL DO IT?
WHAT, KIRSTIE? I CAN HELP THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
FIRST OF ALL, THEY ASKED ME,
AND I AM A BIGGER TELEVISION STAR.
WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WERE -- YOU WERE A BIG TV STAR.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S JUST MEAN.
YOU BIG GIANT BEHEMOTH.
THAT'S JUST MEANER.
NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU'RE TOO FAT --
"KIRSTIE ALLEY" FAT.
THAT'S REAL ORIGINAL. WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?
LET'S GO. I HAVE SOME IDEAS.
YOUR TEAM LEADER, YOUR SPOKESPERSON?
OH, YEAH, YOU'RE WITH HER.
HERE. HERE. HERE. HERE. HERE. HERE.
Kevyn: SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU.
Eddie: SHE'S A BEAUTY, THOUGH, ISN'T SHE?
SHE'S SO PHOTOGENIC.
SHE'S MEAN. SHE'S MEAN.
IS SHE A ***?
OH, YEAH.
WE HAD A TOTAL CONNECTION, I FELT.
WHAT'S THIS?
THESE ARE A GIFT FROM QUINN.
THEY'RE FANCY TAPEWORMS FROM FRANCE --
THE SAME KIND MARIA CALLAS TOOK.
WOW.
WOW.
WOW.
HERE'S TO BEING REALLY SKINNY.
CHEERS TO THAT.
OKAY.
YAH!
[ SWING MUSIC PLAYING ]
♪ ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪
♪ HEY, FATSO ♪