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Do you know where you are?
No you don't do you?
Well! you're in Opus! and this is the first work boutique of it's kind in the country
but over the next few weeks you're going to Opus's popping up on every derelict high street
in the country starting off with Liverpool and
then we're going to move over to Middlesborough.
but here we are in our London branch.
Now, how many of you like shopping for clothes?
You all look like you do.
Yes, you do young lady.
Now, haven't you ever wished that finding your dream job could be as much fun as finding
your beautiful leopard print bag was?
Well now it is!
Now, how many of you are worried about unemployment?
None of you!?
Well we are in the prosperous South East after all aren't we?
How many of you are stuck in jobs you hate?
Yes, a few of you.
And, I know the rest of you are benefit scroungers aren't you?
Well, I have a solution for you as well.
Now, can I just quickly draw your attention to our
special Christmas family job pack.
That's me there, I'm a stay home Mum.
And for any ladies in the audience that job is completely free of charge.
Now, of course there are certain terms and conditions which apply to this such as being in a
valid heterosexual relationship as I am with my husband Joseph.
but to help you out with that we've thrown in a free husband as part of our sale.
Now let's quickly move on!
Oh, and that's my young son up there too James up there too.
We've sent him straight off to be a Lord and Shepherd.
Now do gather round I won't hurt you accidentally. Gather round.
Who can tell me what this job is?
(Audience) - Miner?
(Audience) - Coal Miner?
(Birdie) - Coal miner!
Yes, you're right and you may regard that there's no price!
Can anyone tell me why?
There's no price. Can anyone tell me why there's no price!
No, you can't buy it but that's not it.
It's because there are no miners anymore. Yes!
Now, the miners tried to revolutionise the world of work, didn't they?
Now, What we're going to do now is we're going to return to the 1980s.
Now, how many of you have seen the 1980s on YouTube?
Or perhaps you were there?
Well, Now are you ready?
(Birdie) What do we want?
(All) More jobs!
(Birdie) When do we want them?
(All) Now!
(Birdie) What do we want?
(All) More jobs!
(Birdie) When do we want them?
(All) Now!
(Birdie) What do we want?
(All) More jobs!
(Birdie) When do we want them?
(Everyone) Now!
It doesn't work does it?
It didn't work for the miners and
it's certainly not going to work for you either.
And do you know why?
It's because shopping is much more effective than shouting!
Let me give you an example
If you wanted a gingerbread latte you wouldn't go into Starbucks
with a placard would you? and start shouting!
No!
You'd simply purchase your beverage and then enjoy it!
Now, in Opus we've created the true revolution in the world of work
because we've applied the tools of retail.
Now, how many of you would like a job with a pay rise?
(Audience) - mumble yes
And less responsibility?
Excuse me young man
How about you all be Hedge Fund managers?
You'll have no responsibilities whatsoever and you'll be paying 93 million pounds a year!
Now, you're probably all saying to yourselves
"Birdie, we'd love to start gambling with the world's resources.
Let's go to hell in a handcart now!"
"But I don't have 93 million pounds!
What can I do?"
Well we've spread the cost of your new job over the course of the year in twelve easy instalments.
Now, at Opus we've made efficient everything to do with the world of work.
No more dreary job centres with their horrible little cards.
No more application forms
no more interviews,
no more training
and no more salaries!
Salaries are inefficient!
You can't depend any more on handouts.
If you want security you'll have to get it yourselves.
Now, when you bought your theatre tickets
I went on LinkdIn and I found out the names of your line managers.
I've written your letters of resignation for you
so as soon as the Christmas break ends
you'll be starting work with us!
Now I must move you all on very very quickly
cos I've kept you here a bit longer
I'd love to keep you here all night choosing jobs for you
but unfortunately I can't.
As you leave I want you to remember
you have the right to buy!
Young man, you have the right to buy!
Don't listen to any of this nonsense about human rights,
animal rights, women's rights, equal rights.
(Audience) what do we want?
(Bird)Yes, We want more jobs! If you don't lose it, you'll lose it!
Has your Dad bought you an internship?
No!? That's terrible isn't it?
Now, Mum and Dad I think that's neglectful!
You were off wasting all your money on clothes weren't you?
You were't thinking about Mila's future! Well... And is that your son as well?
have you bought your Son an internship?
Ok, come over here Mila! Come up here!
Right, I have a suggestion for you Mila! You can come and work
in the Duckie Christmas Supermarket as a customer assistance intern.
Mila "No thankyou!"
Bird "No thankyou?!!"
Ok, I've got another one for you, why not be a celebrity?
Mila "No thankyou!"
Bird "No thankyou?!!"
Bird: ok, why not be a premiere league footballer?
Mila "No!"
Right ok off you go!
No, actually this is going to be forced soon Mila
so you're going to go whether you like it or not! Now!
Tuition fees Mila are £9,000 pounds a year!
If you take this option you'll be saving your Mum and Dad 7,000 pounds a year
and you'll be helping kick start the economy out of recession!
And isn't that what you want?
Do you know it's your fault that the economy is in such a dire state?
But you don't want to go to our supermarket and help young lady!
I think you ought to start being a bit more responsible!
I'm going to cry if you don't take it!
Okay then so! Off you go Mila
Actually no Mila's going to stay here cos I've got some cleaning that needs doing Mum.
She won't mind will she.
Now down you go
Young man, You've got the whole concept wrong!
You pay! You work! It's not the other way round any more!