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I have invited you to come and talk to me. I saw you at our editorial office and I recognize you from being on the television
Who are you? +AC0- I am Lisanne Herder and I'm a sitdown standup Comedian
A sitdown standup Comedian. +AC0- Yes.
Well, the sitdown part is pretty clear. You are in a wheelchair. What's the matter? What's the reason why you are wheelchairbound?
I am spastic. My left and right side are partially paralyzed. That's why I can't walk. When I was born, I had a lack of oxygen
because of that my muscles got a trauma and got under developed.
That's how you get spastic and then this is what you become, hahaha.
You are telling it to me with a smile on your face but it had to be really something you had to learn to deal with in your life?
Well yes, It's really hard at times but yes..
+ACo-laughs+ACo- but you can't be sitting there and do nothing. I already am so that's quite difficult, haha.
But I would be lying if I said I immidiately accepted it.
with my comedy act I try to put that kind of stuff in a different perspective as well.
Are you doing that, so you can give yourself a stage and to cope, or is to confront other people with their bias?
In the beginning I did it mostly for myself, because I.. you know..
People are constantly being judgemental and mean in what they say to me and then..
you have to learn how to deal with that.
When you are on a stage making jokes, you can use that kind of stuff and you can be the one stating your opinion
On the stage you are the one telling it to the people and break the ice.
When I am telling jokes now, I try to have a good time for me and for those who come to see me and have a little confrontation
It's not that I, because of that ability and that stage, I can cope with it, but the difference is, is that I can confront people.
but i guess that's why. But most of all: When you come see my show, you come to have a laugh ofcourse. :)
What are those judgmental and means things people say to you? I must say that I find it horrible nonetheless that it happens..
Well yeah, for example: When I am at the supermarket doing groceries and you need some help because you can't get something yourself and you ask
if someone wants to get it for you.
and some people go like +ACI-Oh you can't walk? Learn how to walk+ACEAIg-
Are you serious? Yes, that kind of comments.
Another example are extremely religious people who think that I am a punishment from God.
As a child you grew up with having a disability. I think that when you are young, you think that it's supposed to be that way right, and that everyone is like you.
Yes, that's until you start to notice that your friends don't need help changing clothes or that they can do something without a huge preperation.
When you are disabled, you are forced to grow up faster anyhow. It's not your biggest concern how you get a boyfriend
you are absolutely not worrying about what you want to be when you grow up. Your concerned about how to accept your disability.
How did you accept it?
I have come to lay with it, haha
I don't know if you can totally accept it but I think that you can +ACI-accept+ACI- it
by making jokes about it or don't be to spastic about it as I would say it myself.
because that when you do make a big deal out of it, you are making it difficult for other people to act normal about it.
Well, ofcourse you are perfectly normal. Let's make that clear. You only have this disability but in your head your normal right?
Yes, that's what you would think right? +AC0- Aren't you?
No it isn't. I suffer, oh, well thank you for saying that to me. Great :D
No, but aside from my physical disability, I also suffer from various mental illnesses.
as a borderline personality disorder.
okay...
Seen black and white: I am afraid of everything except being on stage.
But borderline, I must admit. I hear a lot about it but I don't know exactly what that is
I can give you the list with my symptoms on it and explain it to you, but honestly, I don't know either how to explain the disorder to you.
No, okay.. Where are you struggeling mostly with?
I have serious issues with trusting people.
I am thinking black and white: I may like you VERY VERY VERY much, and with much I mean much.
Or I hate you, your triple *** and then I REALLY don't want to see you ever again.
Suicidal, that you actually want to die and don't want to be alive anymore and you hate life.
fear of abandonement.
The first times of contact are fun and they go smooth and without struggles
Just as we are having a nice time together. We hopefully have a nice time together, I hope.
but when I would know you for a longer period of time and you would find out how my head works
and i am starting to care about you, that's when it's already becoming hard for me
because I then start to worry about you not leaving me, or what you think about me. Then I get afraid that you might hate me or that i'm not good enough.
then we also might come that close that because of my low selfesteem wich also comes with borderline..
it may trigger my fear.
self injury
Self injury is also one of the symptoms? +AC0-Yes.
Too be honest, I've seen something on your arm.That's a symptom? +AC0- Yes.
You better take a look at my other arm.
that self injury is something (from what I heard) you do to not feel your inner pain and to feel pain on the outside, right? +AC0- Yes.
For me it worked both ways and it had two sides. There could be a moment where I felt too much because of extreme emotions.
and I didn't want to feel it, so I cutted.
and there were situations where I felt numb and I thought well nobody loves me, I'm numb. I need to feel again, so I am going to cut..
For me it was both.
Did you stop cutting?
It's happening much less then it used to in the past.
In the past I would've cut.. well, there are seven days in a week so..
I would have cut four days of the seven. 0:08:20.700,0:0,08:23.00 Your kidding?
in my worst period I would do that.
And now, I think that I am cutting down and I have stopped for fifty percent. Now I cut when times are really rough.
Maybe once per six months
What about your parents? What was it like for your parents to get a child like you and next to that..
Did you have a feeling about that yourself or not?
No, and I have to say that honestly that I don't have a clue how they look back at it
But what I do know is that the first periods I started cutting that they really thought I did it for attention.
and that they pleaded with me to make this nonsense stop.
So if they really had a clue or really the idea that I was so unhappy. I don't know about that.
But I think (and I don't really know) because I am the one that cuts and I don't have any kids but i think it's
quite a shock as a parent to find out that your daughter uses razorblades to cut her skin open.
Did you grow up having both your parents?
+AC0- Yes I have and I do have an and a severly handicapped brother and one older sister
We grew up in quite an average household
I left the house at the age of thirteen to learn how to become independent and..
so soon?
Yes.
That's pretty young..
Yes, but as I said earlier, it starts pretty early
because the sooner you start, the more you can learn and the more independent you get.
It was pretty heavy, yes.
A few years ago I saw you on TV at Hollands Got Talent
Is that something that changed things for you?
Well yes, it did change something in a way
because I already did another show +ACI-Je Zal Het Maar Hebben+ACI- and that was also a TV expierience
where you come to be in some sort of rollercoaster of things
Hollands Got Talent was like: I auditioned and I thought piece of cake,
And we will see where it ends
and all of the sudden you become a rolemodel or hero for a variety of things.
In changed something in the way that I've grown more confident
but it's strange to see people getting encouraged by you
and that's where I get encouraged as well to continue with what I do.
What does your life look like right now? You live on your own with the help you need ofcourse.
Do you perform or what is it that you do?
Yes, I perform comedyshows. Three days a week.
and people are willing to pay to see me, haha
and I just finished making a show about my borderline personality disorder
Wich will start touring soon through the Netherlands
That's my life now. From gig to gig and doing what I love.
Are you sometimes angry or upset?
because you are born this way?
Angry? Yes, well.. I don't know. Hm. Well..
Not angry in the sense of Oh, what has been done to me but I am angry in the sense of
Why you
No, not that exactly either, but more like why are this the only options I have?
Why can't I get other bodyfunctions or possibilities?
Not to say that I have to be pitiable, and I'm angry and how sad
but more like these are really all the things I have and compared to
someone else who has more bodyfunctions or ways to live, but doesn't really live.
Some people get a lot to carry with them, right? +AC0- Yes. That's true.
and having borderline and that kind of stuff
and I forgot to tell you: I also hear voices in my head
They tell me to keep calm and watch out or that it'll be alright.
Someone has a lot to carry, maybe even more then the other, but in the end
it comes down to the same thing: We are all humans and we all are searching for happiness
and what makes you happy.
And when you look back at your life. What is the most painful or sad what you've gone through?
Thank God, I am still only 23 but I actually do think
When I got diagnosed with borderline, that back then my world has fallen apart.
In a way wich means that I got a variety of diagnoses and I have to get therapy
and I have to deal with it.
I think that that was one of my saddest moments.I mean I got to the world with a physical disability.
and those diagnoses got added to it. +AC0- the feeling like as if it wasn't enough already. Yes.
I think that was one of the saddest.
and your most beautiful happy moment? +AC0- Oh, geez.Haha
The most beautiful and happy must have been where I found out that
I could also my disability could make become my strength.
What you could've seen at my audition of Hollands Got Talent is that it has brought so much
It also has made so many things get right
That I must think that that was one of the happiest moments.
I think it's not the happiest, one day I hope to find a girlfriend.
So I hope that that's also going to be one of my happiest moments.
What are your dreams, or where do you wish for?
What are my dreams? +AC0- You said a girlfriend. Yes.
Have you ever been in a relationship?
Yes, but I am not relationship material.
I also use this as a joke in my comedyshow but it's really true
You decide to meet each other and I have been on datingsites like Lexa
and you decide to meet and then they don't show up or you have your first or second date
and you had a good time and fun, then you are being confronted again with your disability
because then the date discovers that I can't do something, or they need to help me.
but nonetheless that maybe one day. +AC0- Ofcourse it will. There must be someone who
dares to take the chance. You together with her and she together with you.
dares to take the chance. You together with her and she together with you.
It has to.
I hope so. I always compare myself with the Ikea. It doesn't fit, but it is right.
So I hope I can find a screw somewhere +AC0- Yes, Ikea closets take a lot of time but when they are fixed. They are.
So it is for life, we shall say. +AC0- I hope so. I wish you a happy life with a girlfriend
and one day your show in Carre. I have a great respect for you and I think a lot others as well.
You may have that trust and confidence in yourself. +AC0- Thank you. Thank you for this conversation
Your welcome