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Hello and welcome back to "Sourcefed Nerd,"
with your daily dose of Table Talk where we talk about not
tables, surprisingly, but your questions and topics that you
recommend on Twitter using the hashtag #TableTalk
or on reddit/com/r/sourcefed.
My name's Philip DeFranco.
I'm Joe Bereta.
And I'm Trisha Hurshburger.
Let's get it out of the way.
Yeah, I got a patch.
Yeah, I saved a baby in a knife fight in a burning house.
Whatever.
Or maybe I slept in my contacts, and it's really aggravated.
Let's get into it!
It's probably the first one.
Probably.
All right.
MsLovelyCookie, @MsLovelyCookie, says what type of sleeper
are you?
Light?
Heavy?
Sleep walker or talker?
Snore?
There's so many different things in there.
I snore sometimes.
But usually only if it's been a long night, where
there's been some drinking involved.
Oh, that's like the heaviest of sleeps.
That's a snore sleep.
You wake up with your leg behind your head type of sleep.
Right, exactly, and sideways on the bed,
like horizontal, across the bed.
I'll be like, in my older age now and I had a kid,
I've learned to just like tube everything out.
I'm a really heavy sleeper.
But it's like the really light things that'll wake you up.
Like Hayden will come into the room and jump into bed,
and I'll be like "what is it, what is it?"
Holy crap!
Then I'll fall asleep.
I used to be a massive sleepwalker.
Really?
Really?
Never talker.
Oh yeah.
I think I've talked about it before,
so this could be redundancy.
But when I was a kid, I watched "Child's Play," when I was six.
Oh yeah, you talked about this.
Messed me up for-- I probably slept-walked night
terrors for three years to the point
where-- probably more frightening for my parents,
because I would get out of bed, totally in a dream state,
and apparently I would come downstairs and just
have a really blank look on my face.
I think my eyes were open.
So you see that your child, your eight-year-old child,
seven-year-old child, walking down the stairs slowly.
And then I'd stop in the living room and I'd stare at my dad.
[GUFFAW]
And then I'd run to him, jump on his lap,
and grab him and scream things like "I don't want you to die."
And then they'd take me back to bed.
What would you do if Hayden did that to you now?
I would freak out.
I was so bad.
Right.
Like "Children of the Corn" style.
I was a massive--
I'd be going on vacations.
I'd be like sorry, Lindsey, I have work.
I can't be home with this *** demon baby.
I can't be around my child.
This demon child.
I had sleepwalking like three or four times.
That's it.
But for the most part-- I'm heavier sleeper now.
When I was younger, I would always leave the TV on.
I'd always have to have sound.
Now I'm just like, no, everything off, except a fan.
And I'm out for usually six hours,
because at that point my dog decides
that he's going to wake up and try and pee somewhere.
And we don't have carpet.
So it just [TAPPING].
That's what wakes you up, like up!
The little patters of little feet.
And I'm like, I hate you so much.
And then there's the game of well, maybe,
Lindsey will wake up first and open the door.
When I say "first," I'm just going
to fake sleep for 10 minutes.
Yup.
--until she opens it.
She's going to get so pissed when
she watches this, but anyway.
If you guys have kids, you're going
to find out that's a very valuable asset
to have in your repertoire.
What?
Fake sleep?
Oh, yeah!
No, Lindsay, I know, she's going to be like--
Can't do it, do it, do it, do it.
Well, I don't have babies or dogs,
so I can just sleep in the morning.
But if there is a FedEx guy or something at the door,
there's no one.
I can fake sleep through that because there's
nobody else to get it.
Yeah.
I have to drag my butt out of bed.
But are you a light sleeper?
Um, no.
I'm out when I'm out.
Just [FAKE SNORE].
Did you guys have top bed bunks when you were kids,
with your siblings or anything?
I wish.
Well, I didn't have a sibling, but I had a desk bed.
Oh, yeah!
So I had a desk, yeah, and it's like essentially
like you're in a small room, and we think that maybe you
should be able to fall out of bed.
You need a desk and a bed.
And hurt yourself.
I must have been a heavy sleeper when I was a kid too, because I
was the older brother, so I got the top bunk.
Because the top bunk is where it's at.
Yes, it is.
Top bunk is the way to go.
Our room was directly above my parents' rooms.
And so every once in a while, they would just hear a [SLAM].
And they'd run upstairs and I would be asleep on the floor
after rolling out of my top bunk.
Oh my-- why didn't you get one of those little railings.
How did you not die?
How did you not die as a child?
I don't know.
That's amazing.
How do most of us not die as a child.
I hear things that people do as kids.
And by all accounts, you should've died then.
Oh yeah.
I've fallen out of trees and the last thing
that thing that could stop me from dying
was my leg would get caught on a branch
and it would just save me.
Yup, lots of crazy stuff.
My dad was telling me about sitting
on the handlebars of his friend's bike
going down a busy street and just flipping over.
And that should probably kill you.
Every time I look at you guys, it's Pirate Joe to the eyes.
So it's like I feel almost guilty.
I'm like you get Evil Joe.
And now I'm back.
Yay!
Let's move on.
Pirate Joe!
We talked sleep.
Sleep.
That sounds nice right now.
@AdamLockettsays in what ways do you try to separate yourself
from YouTube from off-camera life #tabletalk
Ooh, at the house, we usually have
a no camera policy that isn't broken unless a Shay
or a Toby or someone--
I was going to say that that stems from the days
when, like, five years ago, every YouTuber was vlogging
all the time.
And you would all hang out every once in a while,
and everybody would just their fricking cameras out.
I think if you Google like sxephil or DeFranco and Rapture
Party, there are probably like 15 angles of that.
And I was like, and none of them are mine, I don't think.
Wow.
And I'm just like, there are so many mother ***
with cameras.
So I think for the most part I try
to not have to people vlog at my house.
A lot of YouTubers-- and it's a different culture,
and I appreciate it and I love it--
but they haven't figured out a way
to separate the work and the YouTube and the personal life.
And I think it's an important separation.
A lot of the vloggers-- I applaud Shay.
I don't know Shay does it.
Because you have--
He actually has a lot of stuff going on.
Yeah, and he doesn't film everything.
But you've got to be able to turn it off.
The nice thing about a "normal" job that you go do
is that you go to McDonald's or you go to the lumber mill
or you go to the accountants' office.
And you do your work there and then you leave.
And it's gone.
And you get to forget it.
But in this world, especially now
that we're connected all the time
with our phones and our social accounts
and stuff like that and our computers, it doesn't turn off.
And every once in awhile, it gets to you.
Like, you're just, I want nothing to do.
Yeah, that's really going to happen.
I try really hard to keep my personal life,
like certain aspects of my personal life, moreover people,
like if there's people that have not made the decision that they
would like to be in the spotlight or publicly known.
And they're very close to me in my life,
I try to respect that and not put them
in all my Instagram photos and Tweet
about them and that kind of stuff,
just because-- I don't know.
Like when I first started here, you
know it takes people on the internet
a while to get used to you.
And sometimes they don't say the nicest things.
And I fell like unless you're voluntarily--
I'm really about that.
Look, I got 20 accounts.
It was all Joe.
I just need to vent every once in a while.
It was Evil Joe.
It was all Evil Pirate Joe.
Evil Pirate Joe.
Unless people are voluntarily subjecting themselves to that,
I don't know that I want to put them out there.
Kind of like Elliot does with his wife.
Like she's not in all of his videos, that kind of stuff.
I think it's a very dangerous line
if you're blurring those two worlds too much,
because, then you kind of lose a sense of yourself,
because your being your everyday self becomes a show.
It becomes something that you're worrying
about on an insecurity level.
And when you can't like go to the store
and choose a certain food, because you
think it's going to be reacted to in a certain way,
that is a very unhealthy way to live.
And that's not just in what we do.
That's everything.
No, totally, totally.
I mean even if what we did wasn't YouTube--
like I have to actively-- there are certain people I want
to work with but, I've actively don't because I
want to be able to have a friend that I don't employ.
Mm-hmm.
Because it completely changes the dynamic.
Like you can say that it doesn't and for the most part, it does.
But yeah, at the end of the day, it's
like this person signs the checks and it's *** weird.
It creates a hierarchy.
(MOCK WHISPER) So Phil doesn't really want to be our friend.
We're not Phil's friends.
I hate you guys.
Not for real.
For real.
No!
It's creates a stigma, any time that we
play a game, like a Sourcefed play or a head-to-head,
people are like I bet they let him win.
And I'm like, that is probably 50% true.
As for Joe and--
I'm too competitive to let people win.
Joe is too competitive.
And then probably--
Oh no, any time I can really win, I'll try to win.
We got two interns that I think their goal is
to beat me and crush me in something.
Just take you down!
So I'm excited about that.
And I'm more excited about that.
Like, I don't want to *** be treated
different-- I don't know.
Anyway, I think separation's important, big time.
Yay!
In our lives and in yours, says Evil Joe.
Evil Joe.
Evil Pirate Joe.
Um, well, my answer to this is going to be Evil Pirate Joe.
Fictional character you'd want on table talk.
Oh man.
And that is from Benedick Cumbersack.
Uh, I think this guy, he got us to react.
Good job, Cumbersack.
Make sure--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
That is funny.
Is it Benedict or ***.
***, Benedick.
I feel like ever since we said we like that you guys make
names to make us laugh, I've seen some weird things.
Some really weird names.
Fictional character you would want on table talk.
So a fictional character you would
want to have a lengthy conversation with.
And talk about weird stuff with.
And just sit next to.
The doctor.
I would just go to the doctor.
Who's going to go there?
I want to talk to him, and then be infuriated
when he doesn't answer any of my questions properly.
That's what I want.
Jessica Rabbit would be fun to sit next to.
Yeah, she would!
That's my girl.
Play some pattycake with that rabbit.
That's right.
She plays a good pattycake.
I've heard it.
I just want you to do an entire episode,
just (LOUD FUNNY ACCENT) talk like that.
I want to sit next to Jessica Rabbit.
I used to sleepwalk when I was a kid.
I got a patch on my eye.
It's not absolutely necessary, but I like it.
I like it
So I'm going with the doctor.
Who are you going with?
OK, it's a fictional character, but played by a real life
person.
I would go with Bill Nye, the Science Guy.
I think he's fascinating.
And I would love to ask him a ton of questions.
Bill Nye, if you're out there, I love you.
That's pretty cool.
I love you.
God, it could be anybody, I could
be sitting next to John McClain.
Good.
That'd be bad-***.
You could sit next to Walter White Actually, I wouldn't.
Because I'd be scared.
John McClain.
I feel like that would be the worst conversations.
He's be like yup.
No.
Yup.
and then just terrible happens.
That's all it is.
You're going to go on an adventure
is what's going to happen?
You are going to go on a adventure.
Indiana Jones, he could take you on an adventure.
That'd be pretty sweet.
Man, it's a tough question.
The brave little toaster.
Awesome.
Awesome choice.
I want to sit next to a talking toaster.
My child who just smacked me in the face.
Look, this little thing is going to teach me
some lessons about life.
He's going to make me some.
Toast and he's also going to talk
to me as an inanimate object.
Now, that's scary and fascinating.
I saw a recommendation on Reddit that we
should break the bowl once a month.
And use bowls that people send in/make.
That's hilarious.
I think that should be a thing.
I feel like that doesn't start, though,
until we get our next bowl sent in.
So if you want to sense some in, I
was picturing us breaking the bowl
and then just having a mound of folded papers.
Joe.
Joe gets to do it every time.
Yes!
Joe is a bowl breaker.
Because he started it.
I've made it!!
Ah, here we go.
Let's do one last one, and we're good.
Go, Joe, go.
(GIRLISH VOICE) Go, Joe, go.
Make it a good one.
Let's see what we've got here on the paper slip.
Would you ever, hey, just because you
did that, would you ever be a male cheerleader?
It wasn't as much fun as it sounds.
Yes, I would see that.
Oh, you were a cheerleader in a commercial, right?
No, I was a cheerleader in real life.
And in real life?
That's amazing.
I did it my first year in college.
And I don't regret much in life, but that is regretful.
That is a regret.
Really, why?
I hated it.
It just wasn't fun.
I didn't get roped into it, but it
was a situation where if I didn't do it
after I kind of fell into the situation, then
they would have been short.
And one of the poor girls wouldn't have had a partner.
Awww.
So I do it.
I did it.
I got Zaga, so I could go to the NCAA tournament.
This is after they went to the elite eight and the sweet 16,
I'm like sweet!
I'm going to go to the fricking national championship.
Dan Dickhouse's our senior point guard?
Eff, yeah!
This is going to be amazing.
He's an All-American, which he was.
They lost in the first fricking round to Wyoming.
(SADLY) No.
Wasted my fricking freshman year.
By life!
Did you get to touch a lot of hiney?
I touched a lot of hiney.
But that's not as fun as you think either.
Well, because they have that guard thing, right?
What?
Guard thing?
The thing over the va-jay.
Right?
Oh, no.
You have bloomies on--
No, they just got bloomers on.
So you're not touching bare va-jay.
But it's not a jock strap, like it's not hard or anything.
It's like ***.
Again, not as glamorous as it sounds.
I thought it might be slightly.
But there were stories of finger slips.
Eww!
There were.
Not personally for me.
But I heard stories.
Ew!
Unless that was like something that they wanted.
It seems like that would be just a bad experience.
Oh yeah, for everyone.
The only positive that I really got-- well,
there's a couple positives-- I did meet some cool people
and have some friends who are going to stay.
Working out?
What's that?
Kind of working out.
Staying in shape.
But the best thing was that I went to college
with an earring.
The summer after my senior year, I got my ear pierced,
just to see what it was like.
I know that.
And I probably would've stuck with it way too long.
But we were doing a stunt, and one of the girls
feel and landed on my ear and ripped it out.
[TERRIFIED SOUNDS]
So that was good.
Oh no!
She made the decision for me with her body.
Oh my god.
No, Joe.
That is so scary.
That is so scary.
Wait, do you still have a hole?
Naw, it's-- yeah, yeah, I'm good.
Cause mine never *** closed fully.
Oh, you had them too.
I had two.
Did you have both your ears pierced.
I had two, because I'm a tool.
See, you regretted it too.
Yes.
Oh, no, no, when I started on YouTube, I had earrings.
Wow.
It was double earrings, backwards hat,
and like a sports hoodie.
Oh Phil.
It was--
Bro-fill.
We were bro-fill.
Bro-fill.
Ah, man, that's amazing.
Hey I want to clear one thing up too.
I've done way more than just cheerleading.
I've done ballet, thank you very much.
Wait, I want to say the manly things, don't I?
[LAUGHTER]
I've done gymnastics.
I did three years in jazz and modern dance,
but I also played baseball and ran track.
I wrestled, played basketball and football.
I was a Hall-of-Fame athlete, so get off me.
You were a Hall of Fame athlete.
I did what I did.
In Nebraska, or--
In Montana.
Oh, sorry.
Got the Hall of Fame in my school.
Just so you know--
Joe, that's why you're the athlete.
All of that general area of middle America
is Texas and Nebraska.
To me.
Right.
I hate saying that.
Wait, let me do this.
Let me reverse.
I was a Hall of Fame athlete in Montana.
So let's keep things in perspective.
Hey!
That's still impressive.
I would have loved to play football.
Football's fun.
I wouldn't want to do cheerleading.
I really waned to be a tight-end.
You don't get scared you'll get hurt?
No, but it's awesome.
You don't get scared you're going
to get hurt, until you get hurt.
Ad the
And they, ah, crap, I got heart.
I was just a kid that like-- it was at that point
that I was like not as fat anymore in high school.
Right.
fluctuating like crazy and I have lots of anger.
And I could catch a ball really well.
And so I wanted to play football.
You should have been a tight end or a defensive end.
And if you had anger, you could've
been a middle linebacker and probably
done pretty well too if you had a little anger.
Wow.
See, but now the new level of tight ends are scary.
They're like 6'8."
They're basketball.
They're LeBron James.
They're 6'8" and crazy fast and muscular.
Imagine if America's best athletes across the board
all played soccer how we would just dominate soccer.
Imagine LeBron James in the goal of soccer.
Wouldn't that be amazing?
Oh, 'cause he could just stand there.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I think it would be amazing.
Even-- yeah, yeah.
I know.
Did you look at Game 7.
He score so many times, because no one would get close to him.
There was like three feet at any given time.
37 points.
He started using his superpowers,
his mental capabilities to just keep them away.
They're like, shoot that three.
And he's like.
OK, I guess.
*** you guys lost.
OK, cool.
I call sends out let's move on now
we'll go to black axial for the Reds he says
or she says if you could have sexy superhero who would be,
and why?
Superman!
That was easy.
You might get destroyed.
You'd die.
No!
He'd be gentle.
Oh would he?
He's powerful but gentle.
I'm a gentle lover.
Every man has that side of him that
just gets a little too carried away sometimes.
I don't know.
I'd want to have sex with Superman,
when he's Clark Kent though.
Oh really, not even the Superman part?
You just want a supe?
Can I just like hang out at the "Daily Planet?"
What up, Clark Kent?
What up with you?
So you just want a really ripped journalist.
Just a really, *** ripped journalist.
Well, but who can also save me from the end of the world,
if it comes to that.
It's going to happen, because he's a dangerous person.
Eh?
He might not be around much.
Why?
He's going to be carrying other ladies
from burning buildings and stuff.
Now, he only saves-- if you watch any Superman stuff--
Lois gets saved first.
And like 75% of the other people just die.
But that's the thing.
Lois is always going to be in the equation.
So you can't count on it.
I'd be the Lois.
In my fantasy, I would be the Lois.
Oh, so you're changing things up.
I would replace Lois.
He's taking long "vacations" to Krypton.
He's not calling.
No, I'm not going to be the other woman.
There's no service.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, I feel a little bit of jealousy coming up.
He cheats on you.
He flies around on Planet Opposite.
I am a little jealous of Lois Lane.
I'm not going to lie.
Reverses time.
What's yours?
Mystique.
I was going to say the same thing.
[GROAN] Really?
But you get everything.
But I would take it--
You're changing it.
But I'd stick to the blue, because you blue beautiful.
*** me.
I just made that up.
You blue beautiful?
I would take it a step further and I wouldn't go Mystique,
because if she gets all angry, which she tends to do,
she got an angry streak.
She can turn diamond and snap off my ***.
Mmm.
So I'm going to go with Morph.
Yes, he's a dude, but Morph can move and do every other thing--
[CACKLES]
--every other thing, but Morph ain't going diamond on my junk.
How do you know?
I don't know.
I've never seen Morph go diamond.
But could he?
Morph seems like he'd be a gentle lover.
Yeah, he would.
And if he wasn't, he would turn into somebody that was.
And then I could get into that weird thing where I'm like,
could you just-- just for like two seconds-- turned into me.
I just want to know what it's like.
Ewww!
That's funny.
Could you do me with a ***, Morph?
That's funny.
I'm just asking.
All right, we need to explore this now.
Because would you screw yourself if you could.
If I was rich, sure, why not?
It depends.
(SHRILLY) Really?
I'm like, for the first date, no.
But then if I was to gel a bit with myself,
maybe the second or third.
But why would I have sex with myself?
Is it a clone?
It's you with a ***.
Eww!
I have a ***, you say.
[MOCK VOMITING]
The thing is, when I look at myself,
I wouldn't have sex with me right now.
If I was a girl, I wouldn't have sex with me.
But just for the sheer novelty of--
How about we don't put the money into the research for Clones
I can ***, and I use that money and remove ribs.
So I can just do it without another person.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Come on.
You wouldn't do it?
You wouldn't do it?
I mean, well, I don't know if you would do it.
I have said Meg Tierney and I have had this conversation.
I was like, this might be the best Table Talk ever.
Here we go.
No, if I could, I 100% would.
I 100% would.
And how would you do you do it?
Would it be at your house.
Will there be candles.
There might be candles.
What kind of music.
And rose petals.
Are you maybe straight out of the bath.
I don't know.
I have a wife and a child.
We went here on Table Talk.
The musical soundtrack to "Legend."
I don't know.
Something-- I'm a little weird.
I'm sorry.
That's amazing.
Would you?
I'm going to change my answer from Morph
to Tim Curry from the "Legend."
EW not Tim.
Seems legit.
If you're going Tim Curry, you at least
have to go "Rocky Horror."
No, I'd rather give the big old devil.
Let's get nasty, Tim Curry.
I thought you were going to say like a big old ***.
From Clue.
The big old ***.
Ah.
That's the best way to refer to a giant ***.
The big old ***.
That was in unison.
That was good.
We just didn't hum.
What would you do if a girl was dirty talking
and said something about your big old ***.
I'd high five her.
Is that good?
Boom!
By her, you mean my wife?
I'm in so much trouble.
I'm in so much trouble.
It's not like you guys will be like well, actually,
it's not that big.
I'm going to go home and just be like--
No, seriously, if some girl was like yeah, big old ***,
that's a turn on?
I think that's a little weird phrasing.
Well, wait, is she saying it in that form?
Yeah!
That's like-- how else would you-- you can't say that cute.
Does she, like, turn it into a guy voice?
(DEEP, BOOMING VOICE) And a big, old ***.
No, but wait, say it again.
What if they're like, that's a big old ***.
Like that's not really sexy.
That sounds like that, is wearing some daisy dukes.
She's from the South.
Maybe her name is Dixie May?
She's pretty interesting.
She's got some friends that are about to get
off work and in about an hour.
Like that's about to be a party.
That's what that sound like.
And that's the end of Table Talk.
And we're going to end before Joe-- his marriage ends.
Nope, I'm already done.
I'm going to go home, and she's going to go,
I didn't mind you were talking about sex with Morph,
but why didn't you he would turn into me?
Awww.
If you want to ask us more weird sex questions,
and/or anything else, you can use the #Table Talk or go
to reddit.com/r/sourcefed.
My name's Philip De Franco.
I'm Evil Joe.
I'm Tricia Hershburger.
(MOCKING TRISH'S SOFT VOICE)
I feel like my name always has to go left, when we say names,
because mine's too long.
It's too many syllables.
One last thing we'll allow in, just as
deep and manly and masculine as you
can-- big old *** to the camera.
(DEEP VOICE) Big old ***.