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Okay with the 2014 Ultra Music Festival starting in just a couple days on March 28,
I figured now is as good a time as any to present some quick simple
courtesies that'll help you and
everyone else around you have a much much better time.
Maybe you agree, maybe you disagree. I don't know, let's find out. Rule number 1.
Put the flag down.
This one maybe my biggest annoyance on this list.
Hundreds of thousands of people have paid almost four hundred dollars to see
world famous DJ's
and no one can see anythink cuz the guy in front of us is waving a giant friggin flag in front of us.
There's a reason why all the flag people have a flag behind her head like
this.
Because if they waved it in front of their frickin face, they wouldn't be able to see anything
Nobody paid to see your flag, You're proud to be from another country?
So is ninety percent in Miami. Wow. Sounds like David Guetta is playing.
And this rule also goes for blow up dolls.
aliens, animals on a crutch, giant wieners. If you want to raise your hands
up and down and jump to the music that's
awesome, but preventing everyone behind you from being able to see the concert
is not cool.
Rule number two. Put the shirt down.
Now this rule is aimed at a very specific group shirtless guys who are
not hard to find because whenever they get bored waiting for an artist to come on stage
they have a very specific mating call.
Whooooooaaaaaaaooooooooo!
Whooooooaaaaaaaooooooooo!
And as soon as that shirt comes off they begin flinging it in the air like a
frickin helicopter, hitting everyone else in the face around them.
Ow. Ow. Stop. Stop. Please stop. Not only are you hitting everyone in the face
around you, you're flinging your disgusting sweat all over the place
because all that body heat and Ultra makes it like a giant sauna.
Speaking up disgusting...
Rule number three. Lift the seat. So there's a break between DJ's
and you just realized you need to make a public boom-boom, drop a deuce,
take a dump, poop.
Now as if normal porta-potties weren't gross enough you go into a port-a-potty
at Ultra and there is urine
everywhere. It's as if every dudes hose got turned a flat and just sprayed
everywhere.
So then everyone after that has to squat like three feet away from the
toilet in order to go to the bathroom.
Next thing you know some people have bad aim and you got crap all over the toilet
seat.
Prevent poopie covered seats. If you're a dude, lift the lid if you gotta pee.
And as for you ladies, I suggest you bring some extra tissues because there's never
enough toilet paper.
Number four. Put the people down. If your friend or girlfriend wants a better view of
the concert, have her go crowd surfing when Steve Aoki hits the stage.
Stop putting your girlfriend or whoever on your shoulders during an entire set.
One or two songs is okay, if they can't get a good view
but an entire set is WAY too long. News flash!
All of our girlfriends are short. None of them can see! That's what happens when you're at a
concert with a hundred thousand people!
And double offenders: these are people who do multiple things on this list
at the same time you're sitting on someone's shoulder with
a frickin flag in the air like Super Nacho Libre over here.
It's time for number five. Respect the city.
Don't destroy property. The last thing Miami or Ultra needs
is a whole bunch idiots tearing down a bunch of frickin fences and hopping up on
street signs in going absolutely insane when Ultras over cuz you have nothing to do.
And numbers six.
Help your neighbor. If you see someone on the ground and they look
unconscious, ask to see if they're all right. It could be heat stroke, they
could've OD'ed, they could be dehydrated.
There's a number of reasons people could be freakin unconscious
or dying on the ground. Don't take a video of it,
don't take a photo of it and uploaded to Twitter and put hash tag Ultra lol.
Ask to see if they're all right. And if they need help, go get help.
Take thirty seconds out of your freakin weekend and help the person out. Okay?
Well that's all I got. That's the whole list. So maybe some of you agree with me, some of you
disagree with me. I don't know, maybe I forgot some that were worse.
If you think I missed some, please feel free to comment. Let me know. These are just a
couple things that
I have talked with other people who have gone to Ultra for many years and this seems
to be
recurring things that people continue to do. I hope you all have a very awesome,
a very safe UMF experience. Free of blocked views.