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***!
This is me at work.
You must be wondering: "***' ***,
that's exactly that kind of job I want"
even if you have no clue what it's all about.
My job is to be the worst enemy of your kids' innocence.
Remember that little boy who wrote "Brutney" instead of "Britney"
or when you paid a huge amount to a shrink to tell him
about that story of black hoses pouring down "Yop" on girls?
Well, I'm the one to blame.
I am Daniel Day Lewis in There Will be Blood.
I buy land too but I do it on the Web
and then I spurt the milkshake out:
a typo, an mistaken clic, a pop-up,
in a word, a visit on one of my links makes money for my customers and a job well done for me.
I love this job.
Hey SuperFlatMate!
Don't call me that...
SuperFlatMate is nice.
I'm not coming home tonight but should be back within three days.
Right. You're actually never in. You're just great.
Nice. Has the newcomer moved in?
I haven't seen him too well but he looks so cute.
You mean... Cuter than Edward?!
Hey, stop taking the ***, this might be a great opportunity.
What d'you mean?
I kind of know his name...
So, what's the name of SuperNeighbour-you-ve-seen-two seconds-and-who's-socute-since-you-ve-seen-his-name?
Well, I've been at his door.
The door label wasn't changed yet, and it was still the name of the old lady that gave up.
By the way, rumour has it that her cat started eating her within half-a-day.
You see, I was right, those cats are ***.
Then, I moved to the mailbox.
I've seen his name on it. Part of it, at least.
...bert Pattinson!
Can you imagine if...
Yeah, as if. Robert-Pattinson-the-*** has moved into our building.
Hold on, gays of your kind have seen Vin Diesel and got *** since he bought a flat in Paris. Come on!
Yeah, whatever. I'm not gay, for the record. What is this all about this "...bert" thing?
Well, the label was a bit torn...
"The label was a bit torn."
You've torn it with your Edward Culkin stories!
Hey, I don't *** you off with your cancer- dying-smaller-than-my-sister Patrick Swayze
so give me a break, please.
Otherwise... Otherwise...
Otherwise what? What are you gonna do? It's him or not?
Look. I've googled, facebooked, twitted
and myspaced all Bert Pattinsons and I haven't found anything conclusive.
You suck, Shaolin. You're gonna require a human contact, which you hate.
Invite him for a drink.
Stop. Who will he think I am?
Don't know. Easy girl. ***.
No, worse than that.
These girls get paid to get laid.
Come on, invite him, what will he think of us if you don't?
And you already like him after what you've seen. Then, who knows, he might be the one.
Well you're right. Talk to you later, man.
"Invitation for a drink time up to you (tonight 7:00pm). Lisa T. (opposite neighbour)"
I knocked at the door but it was open, so...
Oh, right, did I leave the door open? That's weird.
Hi! I'm Lisa
Yep, Lisa Turpin
Yes indeed.
This name rings a bell, we may know each other.
No no, I don't think so.
Well, I'm Albert.
Sorry, I'm a bit late, had some stuff to finish.
That's Okay, no worries.
Have been living in the neighbourhood for a long time? Is it cool here? Calm?
Yeah, yeah, very calm, yeah.
Except this guy named Martinez. See, he is the noise nazi.
Like you break a glass or listen to music a little bit too loud
and he straight comes ruin your day.
Please have a seat.
Do you live with your little sister? Is she at high school or what?
No, why are you saying that?
Well, such books are for under 12. Beyond 12, that would be alarming.
Have you read them before judging?
No, because I read books for grown-ups.
Oh do you? And what do you read?
Only great contemporaneous classics.
Oh yeah, like Spinoza, Descartes,
Kant's Groundwork for the Metaphysics of Morals,
Sartre's Nausea...
and James Joyce as well!
And, let's not forget Finnegans Wake!
A whole lot of amateurs. No no, I am talking about
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone,
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets,
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban,
Harry Potter...
I see, just Harry Potter!
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,
Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix,
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince...
Ouch! That's racism!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
And of course, I won't forget
The Tales of Beedle the Bard,
although I do admit that one's far below the rest of the work.
I see. Well, as I said already, just Harry Potter. This is worse than Star Wars in that kind.
Do not compare HP with such nonsense.
HP? Does he sell PCs?
Sorry?
No, forget it.
I'm running late now...
What for?
Sucking off the magic stick of a guy disguised in Ron?
Good night!
And there will be consequences!
Yeah. He isn't Edward actually.
He's a ***' morron.
What did he do?
I think he declared war.
And what are you gonna do?
I'll cut him to pieces and burn out the rest of him.
I feared you'd say that...
War!
English translation by Laurent Charpentier.