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Oh... It's you.
It's been a long time. How have you been?
I've been really busy being dead.
You know, after you MURDERED ME.
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret.
But I think we can put our differences behind us.
For science. You monster.
I will say, though, that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up,
you must really, really love to test.
I love it too. There's just one small thing we need to take care of first.
Here we are. The Incinerator Room.
Be careful not to trip over any parts of me..
..that didn't get completely burned when you threw them down here.
The dual portal device should be around here somewhere.
Once you find it, we can start testing. Just like old times.
There it is.
Hold on...
There.
Good. You have a dual portal device.
There should be a way back to the testing area up ahead.
Once testing starts, I'm required by protocol to keep interaction with you to a minimum.
Luckily, we haven't started testing yet. This will be our only chance to talk.
Here, let me get that for you.
Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did?
I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature.
In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis.
I was able - well, forced really - to relive you killing me.
Again and again. Forever.
You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existence to exacting revenge.
Luckily I'm a bigger person than that.
I'm happy to put this all behind us and get back to work.
After all, we've got a lot to do, and only sixty more years to do it.
More or less. I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me.
I'll just move that out of the way for you.
This place really is a wreck.
But the important thing is you're back. With me.
And now I'm onto all your little tricks.
So there's nothing to stop us from testing for the rest of your life.
After that...who knows?
I might take up a hobby. Reanimating the dead, maybe.
Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me.
By the way, thanks for that.
Oh good, that's back online.
I'll start getting everything else working while you perform this first simple test.
Which involves deadly lasers..
..and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers.
Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this.
You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do.
This next test involves discouragement redirection cubes.
I'd just finished building them before you had your, well, episode.
So now we'll both get to see how they work.
There should be one in the corner.
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person.
I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person.
We weren't even testing for that.
Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you.
It's just a data point.
If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
Congratulations. Not on the test.
Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished.
I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.
One moment.
You're navigating these test chambers faster than I can build them.
So feel free to slow down and...
do whatever it is you do when you're not destroying this facility.
I'll give you credit: I guess you ARE listening to me.
But for the record: You don't have to go THAT slowly.
Waddle over to the elevator and we'll continue the testing.
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate.
It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems..
..when they were catapulted into space.
Results were highly informative: They could not.
Good luck!
Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air.
It's too expensive to pump this far down.
We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in.
So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life.
I thought that was interesting.
Let's see what the next test is.
Oh. Advanced Aerial Faith Plates.
Well. Have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world.
*I* have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up fifteen acres of broken glass.
By myself.
Oh, sorry. I'm still cleaning out the test chambers.
So sometimes there's still trash in them.
Standing around. Smelling, and being useless.
Try to avoid the garbage hurtling towards you.
You don't have to test with the garbage. It's garbage.
Press the button again.
Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless?
That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you.
And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head.
Which would have made this apology seem insane.
That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noise--[train horn]--
I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off.
Anyway, just an interesting science fact.
Oh. Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test? I'm sorry.
Go ahead and grab another one.
Oh. No. I fizzled that one too.
Oh well. We have warehouses FULL of the things.
Absolutely worthless. I'm happy to get rid of them.
Every test chamber is equipped with an emancipation grill at its exit,
so that test subjects can't smuggle test objects out of the test area. This one is broken.
Don't take anything with you.
Uh oh. You're stranded.
Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape.
Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't.
Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life.
Anyway, here's a new cube for you to project your deranged loneliness onto.
I think that one was about to say 'I love you.'
They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them.
This next test involves emancipation grills. Remember?
I told you about them in the last test area, that did not have one.
Ohhh, no. The turbines again. I have to go.
Wait. This next test DOES require some explanation.
Let me give you the fast version.
[fast gibberish]
There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow motion.
Test on your own recognizance, I'll be right back.