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[Band plays drums and music intro]
Thank You! Good Evening.
Very excited to be here tonight and I got some great news today, I uh- finally
got my own TV show coming out as a replacement show this fall.
Yeah. Thanks.
[Audience applause]
It's not a talk show, it’s a half hour weekly show that I will host entitled,
"Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus"
[Audience applause]
Thank you, it's fairly self explanatory, each week we let the hounds of hell loose
and we chase that jar-head no talent idiot all over the globe till I finally catch
that fruity little pony-tail of his, pull him to his knees,
put a shot gun in his mouth.
[Makes a gun noise]
Then we will be back at '94 with, "Let's Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton"
[Audience applause]
Also look out for our Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, Marky Mark Christmas Special
and, uh- I don’t want to give away any surprises but Marky Mark’s
the first one we catch and kill on that show 'cos his pants kept falling
around his ankles and he couldn’t run away. I cross-bow him right in the abs.
Bring the whole kids, the family, everything it’s a Christmas spectacular.
[Audience laughter]
I don’t know what my deal is, I’m a 31-year-old comrade.
I went to a dance club the other day, you know and dragged against my will,
you know and this girl asked me to dance which I thought was hilarious, you know.
[In a Girly voice] "Would you like to dance?"
[Sarcastic Tone] "Yeah! You read my mind, you know".
That’s why I’m leaning in the darkest corner, closest to the exit, you know.
I’m about to, "Boogie".
I’m about to, "Cut a Rug".
It's weird, you know, women have this weird myth that you can tell
how good a guy is in bed by how he is on the dance floor.
That’s ridiculous what does it matter if a guy is on the dance floor
really getting into it enjoying himself, expressing himself,
what does it matter how he is in bed? He’s gay!
[Audience laughter]
Real men don’t dance - they sit, sweat and curse.
Speaking of homosexuality, you know, I consider myself fairly open-minded
but something has come to my attention that's absolutely shocking.
I don’t know if you’ve heard about it but these new grade school books
for children to teach them gay lifestyles. You know what I’m talking about?
One's called, "Heather’s 2 Mommies" and the other one is called
"Daddy’s New Roommate".
I’m having to draw the line here folks and say that this is absolutely disgusting.
Grotesque and evil.
I’m talking about, "Daddy’s New Roommate".
"Heather's 2 Mommies" is pretty cool, I don’t know if, you know, check that out,
uh - they’re hugging on page 7.
Ooohhhhh! Go mommies go, go, go! Anyway, makes me miss my youth.
People, you know I mean, you know, what really annoys me is pro-life people,
you ever look at their faces it's like, "I’m pro-life".
[Audience laugher]
but don’t they look it? They just exude "Joie de vivre".
You know, you see them trying to go to an orphanage and try and adopt a kid,
"We’re pro-life, we’re here to adopt".
Kids are going, "Oh don’t pick me. I’ll eat gruel, 15 to a bed,
just keep, "Heather's 2 Mommies" coming and we’re fine in here".
"I’m pro-life", you know if you’re pro-life, do me a favour
and don’t lock arms and block med clinics, okay?
If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour and lock arms and block cemeteries okay?
Let's see how committed you are.
"She can’t come in".
"She was 98 and hit by a bus!"
"There’s options".
"You gonna have her stuffed or what are you going to do with her?"
"We’re pro-life".
It’s the same look smokers give you too.
"I’m a non-smoker, I’m a pro-life non-smoker".
I’m getting that look a lot these days 'cos I started smoking again
and I had 9 months without smoking and I’ve started again and uh-
I’m getting that look.
[Audience applause]
Are you applauding me starting or stopping?
The smokers, "Aye you're back - yay!"
Non-smokers, "It’s terrible I can’t believe you’ve started
smoking again, why after 9 months?"
I have this belief that if that scenario is true that when you die you go to heaven
and St Peter meets you at the gate, I have this belief that the first thing
he’s going to ask you is, "You got a light?"
"You mean you all smoke here?" "Yeah that’s why it's Heaven,
these aren’t clouds, these are cigarette smoke pal".
[Audience applause]
"Hell is the non-smoking section".
"You want to look at them for a minute?"
"I can't believe what they do to their bodies it's so smelly it smells
like an ash tray why do they want me to smell that?"
"God! That’s hellish".
"Exactly, so light up and come on in".
[Audience laughter]
"Hendrix is on harp tonight".
[Audience laughter]
So I’ve been travelling. I was in Australia for Easter,
which was interesting to know that they celebrate Easter the same way we do.
Commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children
that a Giant Bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.
I wonder why we are a messed up race, anyone know?
I’ve read the Bible and it doesn’t mention a giant Rabbit or chocolate
anywhere in the book. Why those two things? 0:06:02.130,0:06:07.389 Why not a Goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer?
Making stuff up - go Hog wild.
But I think it’s interesting to know how people act on religious beliefs
you know what I mean?
Like a lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks, nice sentiment
but do you think when Jesus comes back he’s really going to want to look at a cross?
Oh ...Maybe that’s why he hasn’t shown up yet.
He’s going, "Man, they’re still wearing crosses".
"Dad, I’m not going. No they totally missed the point".
"I’m not going. Forget it, I'll go back as a Bunny".
[Audience laughter and applause]
Thank You.
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