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Are you sure I can't get you a drink?
Yeah, I don't drink on weeknights.
Then why did you want to go to a bar?
Because I feel like a bar is the right place to go with a person like you.
A person like me?
Rebecca, I don't know if you even know this, but you're very rude to me.
You have been ever since we were little kids.
You mean since you told me the truth about my father?
Oh, come on. Do you really think you would've avoided knowing otherwise?
He insider traded, okay?
It wasn't like he sex trafficked.
Okay, well, I
Ugh, I don't have very many friends.
Well, I wish that surprised me more.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's actually okay.
I don't really have any time for friends.
I have a boyfriend. His name's Dane.
- Hot name. - Thanks.
- Is he nice? - Yeah, he's great.
He only wants to see each other on wednesdays,
so I'm missing our night this week.
Well, what does he do on the other nights?
He has a different girlfriend.
Are you *** serious, Rebecca?
- That's horrible. - No, it actually works really well.
I mean, I don't have a lot of time.
Okay.
Anyway, he's better than my other boyfriend.
Rick was a writer, and he just, like, made everything about himself,
and he was exhausting to be around, and it just made me realize that writers
are, like, this ridiculous class of people who just make everything about themselves
and they tend to have really strange, bizarre eating habits
Rebecca, if you hate me so much, then why did you want to hang out with me?
I don't know. I just thought it would be fun.
I would really like it if we could be the kind of cousins
who, like, spend time together and sleep in the same bed in the summertime
and, you know, jump in a lake and have inside jokes about our grandmother
and were molested by the same person, but we're not. We do not get along.
I really respect you, but even Grandma says you don't have a great sense of humor.
Do you think you're that funny?
- You're not that funny. - Well, that's crazy.
I didn't even know that your work was, like, trying to be funny.
That's because I sent you the less funny pieces because I know you're not funny
so you wouldn't understand my funnier stuff.
Why would I have to be funny to understand them?
I just knew that if I sent you my funny stuff,
you'd be like, "what is this, Martian?"
You don't understand funny.
Oh, okay, well, Grandma also said behind your back that she thought you were loose.
That's what she said to me.
I don't want to fight with you, okay?
- I respect you. I do. - Oh, really?
Is that why you made me touch my chachi with you?
Wait, what?
When we were seven, you made me sit in a room and touch my chachi.
Wait, does "chachi" mean what I think it means?
- Yes. - 'Cause I never did that.
You said you'd learned a cool new trick and we should both
lie under the covers and touch ourselves for
- I never said that! I never did that! - Yes, you did!
- Oh, my God, I can't believe you. - (PHONE CHIMES)
"Chachi"?
Do not check your texts while we drive.
It's mom. Grandma has a fever.
Well, we're almost there so don't answer her.
You're gonna be a doctor and you don't know how *** up it is
to check your texts while we drive?
Oh, my God, I'm just texting my mom
to tell her that we are almost there.
- Let me answer it for you. - No, I don't want you touching my phone!
Oh, you don't want me touching your phone with my *** chachi hands?
- Is that the *** problem? - Yes, that's exactly right.
- Yes, that is exactly right. - There is chachi all over my hands.
Ew, get off of me. You're disgusting.
- HANNAH: You're insane. - (BOTH SCREAM)