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THEY'RE NOT MADE.
IT'S AN INNATE THING.
IT'S INSIDE OF YOU -- SOMETHING THAT COMES FROM UPSTAIRS.
OKAY, WE'RE LOOKING FOR SUITS, OLD-SCHOOL.
JESUS IS BLACK, AND SO IS CLEOPATRA.
KNOW YOUR HISTORY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE BIBLE SAYS JESUS IS BLACK.
IT DESCRIBES HIM -- "HAIR OF WOOL, SKIN OF BRONZE,"
SO HE HAD TO BE BLACK.
AND THE SUN WAS CLOSER TO THE EARTH THEN.
EVERYBODY WAS BLACK.
IT MAKES IT MORE FUN FOR JESUS TO BE BLACK.
THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT I WAS RAISED IN RIGHT HERE.
MY WHOLE FAMILY -- EVERYBODY LIVED HERE.
MY DAD'S ALWAYS HAD THIS HOUSE.
EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T EVEN LIVE IN L.A.,
HE'S ALWAYS KEPT THIS HOUSE, NO MATTER WHAT.
NO, I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT THE HOUSE.
THAT --
YEAH.
OH, PLEASE.
THIS IS A *** BARBERSHOP.
THIS IS WHERE THE *** ALL GET THEIR HAIR DONE.
SO, WHEN THE POLICE WANT TO COME GET *** ON PROBATION,
COME IN HERE AND GET ALL OF THEM.
Paul: NEW YORK, BECAUSE THEY LIKE BEING BLACK HERE.
THEY DO.
THEY'RE COMFORTABLE WITH IT.
THEY'RE NOT IN DENIAL.
SO, THAT'S WHY I LIKE IT.
HOW YOU DOING, BROTHER?
I WANT TO PUT HIM ON THE GUEST LIST.
PUT HIS NAME DOWN THERE.
IF MY NAME ISN'T ON THE LIST,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAY, "I'M HIS ACCOUNTANT.
I THINK YOU BETTER LET ME IN."
PAUL MOONEY HAS DONE IT ALL, AND HE'S GREAT.
HE'S THE BOMB.
EVERYTHING HE SAID JUST TRIPPED ME OUT.
I WAS LAUGHING THE WHOLE TIME.
I LOVE PAUL MOONEY.
HE HAD ME *** IN MY PANTS, Y'ALL.
I'M SURPRISED IT'S AIRED OUT RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU MISSED IT, YOU MISSED IT --
THE MOST INCREDIBLE *** IN THE WORLD.
PAUL MOONEY IS AN ORIGINAL.
HE IS WHAT I CALL
THE PERSONIFICATION OF COMEDIC BRILLIANCE.
TO SEE HIM CONNECT WITH A NEW AUDIENCE
THROUGH DAVID CHAPPELLE...
GREAT WRITER.
IF THERE WAS NO MOONEY, THERE WOULD BE NO -- NAME THEM ALL.
HE'S A LEGEND.
HE'S WORKED WITH EVERYONE, FROM RICHARD PRYOR --
HE WAS ON "IN LIVING COLOR."
WHEN I WAS FIRST WATCHING "IN LIVING COLOR"
AND I SAW HOMEY D. CLOWN, WHICH, OBVIOUSLY, PAUL CREATED,
I WANTED TO SEE A MOVIE MADE OF THIS CHARACTER.
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, YOU GET SOCKED IN THE HEAD WITH SOCKS.
ALL THE WAY FROM BRINGING JIM CARREY TO "IN LIVING COLOR"
TO WRITING FOR RICHARD PRYOR.
WHEN YOU KNOW THE HISTORY --
YOU KNOW ABOUT DAVID BANKS, YOU KNOW ABOUT PAUL MOONEY --
YOU KNOW THAT THESE WERE THE MEN
THAT WERE BEHIND THE BRILLIANCE OF RICHARD PRYOR.
HE WAS RICHARD PRYOR'S KIND OF RIGHT-HAND MAN DURING THE '70s.
WHEN PRYOR DID HIS SHOW ON NBC,
PAUL WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYBODY WHO WAS ON THAT SHOW.
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE SOME PEOPLE THAT WORK ON THE SHOW.
RICHARD ALLOWED ME TO GO OUT AND FIND THE TALENT.
NO ONE HAD TO AUDITION.
TIM REID.
MARSHA WARFIELD.
ROBIN WILLIAMS.
SANDRA BERNHARD.
"DETROIT" JOHN WITHERSPOON.
PAUL MOONEY.
HI, LADIES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Man: HE HAS CONTINUED THE LEGACY OF BLACK CONSCIOUSNESS
WITH A UNIVERSAL APPEAL.
PAUL MOONEY.
PAUL MOONEY.
BRILLIANT, GENIUS BROTHER CREATED HOMEY D. CLOWN...
PAUL MOONEY.
...WROTE FOR RICHARD PRYOR --
WAS NOT ONLY HIS FRIEND AND WRITER,
BUT ALSO HIS PSYCHOLOGIST.
PAUL MOONEY.
MR. MOONEY.
PAUL...MOONEY.
PAUL MOONEY.
MR. PAUL MOONEY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I HAVE -- THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHY --
I DON'T KNOW WHY -- THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY DID THIS.
NO, YOU CAN HAVE IT. THEY MADE A MISTAKE.
THEY MADE A MISTAKE, BECAUSE I DON'T DRINK.
I'M ON THE WAGON.
I DON'T DRINK, SO THAT'S A MISTAKE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THEY LIKE TO DO --
GET *** DRUNK SO THEY CAN SELL THEM.
"I LIVE IN NEW YORK. WHAT AM I DOING IN MISSISSIPPI?"
"YOU GOT DRUNK, ***."
TWO THINGS IN BLACK PEOPLE'S GENES --
YOU DON'T DRINK, YOU DON'T GET DRUNK,
AND YOU DON'T FALL ASLEEP.
A *** FALLS ASLEEP, HE WILL GET SOLD.
"Shh!
Sell him."
WELL, HEY, I'M GLAD TO BE HERE IN HOLLYWOOD,
BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY OUT LOUD,
I'M NOT HOLLYWOOD -- I'M NEIGHBORHOOD.
I HAVE TO STAY NEIGHBORHOOD. I CANNOT GO HOLLYWOOD.
I'M NEIGHBORHOOD.
I'M NEIGHBORHOOD.
AND I AM SO BLESSED AND I'M SO HAPPY
BECAUSE THE MEXICANS GOT THEIR *** WAKE-UP CALL.
[ THUDDING ]
WAKE UP, ***.
A *** WAKE-UP CALL'S A ***.
THE MEXICANS GOT THEIR *** WAKE-UP CALL.
THEY WERE RUNNING AROUND HERE, THINKING THEY WERE WHITE FOLKS.
THEY GOT THEIR WAKE-UP CALL. TRUST ME. OH, THEY KNOW NOW.
THEY WAS RUNNING AROUND HERE, THINKING, "LOOK, WHITE FOLKS."
THEY KNOW NOW.
BUT, SEE, WHITE PEOPLE KNOW WHO'S WHITE.
YOU CAN LOOK LIKE YOU'RE WHITE,
BUT THEY KNOW WHO'S WHITE -- WHO AIN'T WHITE.
THE *** WAKE-UP CALL'S A ***.
I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT, BECAUSE IT'S WONDERFUL.
AND THE WHITE PRESS TRIED TO DIS THE MEXICANS.
THEY TRIED TO DIS THEM. THEY DID.
"12,000 MEXICANS DEMONSTRATED TODAY
IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA."
IT WAS 500,000 OF THEM.
THEY SCARED EVERYBODY IN L.A.
EVERYBODY WAS TERRIFIED...
'CAUSE THEY ALL GOT OUT OF THE SAME CAR.
HOW MANY RIOTS HAS L.A. HAD?
THE MOVIES ARE MADE HERE.
THEY GIVE YOU THE IMPRESSION
THEY ARE THE MOST LIBERAL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
AM I RIGHT OR WRONG? CALIFORNIA.
I COULD TAKE YOU IN A CAR RIGHT NOW, AND I'LL SHOW YOU AREAS --
IT'S A VERY SEGREGATED CITY, STRANGELY.
THOUSAND OAKS -- WATTS -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
IT'S VERY SEGREGATED.
THAT'S BY ACCIDENT?
OH, THEY FRIGHTENED EVERYONE.
AND I LOVED IT.
I LOVE IT HOW THEY WALKED OFF THEIR JOBS
AND HOW THEY GOT REAL MILITANT.
I LOVED IT.
MY YARD WAS *** UP FOR A WEEK.
I HAVEN'T HAD AN ORANGE IN A MONTH.
I MEAN, THE MEXICANS FIXED EVERYBODY.
BUT ONLY CALIFORNIA -- ONLY IN CALIFORNIA
CAN YOU GET ON THE NEWS AND GO, "I'M ILLEGAL,
"AND I KNOW MY RIGHTS.
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"
ONLY IN CALIFORNIA -- ANYWHERE ELSE --
NEW YORK, ANYWHERE ELSE, THEY'D, "Shh! NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO ENGLISH," BECAUSE THEY WILL COME AND GET YOU
AND PUT YOU IN A TRUCK.
NO. HE'S ILLEGAL.
Man: CAN WE HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
NO. NO, I DON'T GIVE AUTOGRAPHS.
BECAUSE I'M ILLEGAL, I DON'T GIVE AUTOGRAPHS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
CALIFORNIA -- THIS IS THE WILDEST PLACE.
"I'M ILLEGAL. I KNOW MY RIGHTS!
AND DON'T YOU -- TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!"
I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING -- THIS WHOLE MEXICAN THING.
SEE, CALIFORNIA USED TO BE MEXICO.
IT IS MEXICO, AND THE MEXICANS WANT IT BACK.
THEY WANT IT BACK.
THEY WANT IT BACK. THEY REALLY DO.
AND SEE, 500,000 IS NOTHING TO THEM.
IT'S 2 MILLION ILLEGAL. IT'S THE BEST, AND I LOVE IT.
MEXICANS -- I LOVE THEM, BECAUSE THEY'RE IN MY FAMILY.
MY DAUGHTER IS MARRIED TO A MEXICAN, AND IT'S NOT A JOKE --
SHE'S MARRIED TO A MEXICAN, SO I KNOW THEM VERY WELL.
AND WE HAVE THE CUTEST LITTLE BLAXICANS.
WE GOT SOME BLAXICANS.
OH, THEY'RE TOO MUCH. THEY'RE TOO MUCH.
THEY CAN PICK ORANGES AND BREAK-DANCE.
THEY'RE TOO MUCH.
NO, THEY WANT IT BACK. THEY'RE GOING TO GET IT BACK.
THEY ARE, BECAUSE THE ONE THING ABOUT MEXICANS --
THEY LEARN VERY FAST.
*** ARE SLOW, BUT MEXICANS LEARN VERY FAST.
YEAH, OH, THEY'RE GONNA GET IT BACK.
AND YOU CANNOT OUTFUCK THEM. YOU CAN'T OUTFUCK A MEXICAN.
NO, THEY'RE CATHOLIC, AND THEY DON'T USE PROTECTION,
AND YOU CANNOT OUTFUCK A MEXICAN.
NO, NO, NO.
LITTLE BABIES COME OUT LIKE JIFFY POPCORN.
[ IMITATING POPCORN POPPING ]
"IS THERE MORE ROOM IN THE ROOM?
SEE YOU IN NINE MONTHS."
[ IMITATING POPCORN POPPING ]
AND THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO SAID
THE MEXICANS ARE TAKING THE JOBS THE BLACKS WON'T.
THEY CANNOT MIX US -- APPLE AND ORANGES.
YOU CAN'T MIX BLACK PLIGHT UP WITH MEXICAN.
IT'S NOT THE SAME.
THE MEXICANS VOLUNTEERED TO COME HERE TO WORK FOR A QUARTER.
WE WERE FORCED TO COME HERE...
TO WORK FOR FREE --
UNDERLINE THE "FREE."
UNDERLINE THE "FREE" -- FOR 500 *** YEARS -- FREE.
SO, IF BLACK PEOPLE CHOOSE TO SIT ON THEIR ***, SO BE IT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEP, YOU WORK FOR FREE, YOU'LL WANT TO SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE, TOO.
WE BUILT -- WE GAVE EVERYTHING TO THIS COUNTRY.
NO OTHER RACE HAS GIVEN THINGS TO THIS COUNTRY
LIKE BLACKS HAVE.
WE GAVE EVERYTHING. WE ARE SO LOYAL.
WE'RE LIKE SOME OLD HOUND DOG. WE ARE SO *** LOYAL.
WE BUILT THAT WHITE HOUSE. YOU KNOW WE BUILT IT.
THE SLAVES BUILT THE WHITE HOUSE.
YOU THINK THEY CALL IT THE WHITE HOUSE BY MISTAKE?
NO, WHITE PEOPLE CAN BE VERY ARROGANT AND VERY VICIOUS.
THEY CAN BE VERY VICIOUS.
"HAVE THE *** FINISHED?"
"CALL IT THE WHITE HOUSE."
THEY DID THAT SO *** COULD BE UP ALL NIGHT, TALKING.
"THEM ***! WE HAD TO DO ALL THE WORK.
"YOU KNOW THEY CALLED IT THE WHITE HOUSE?
THEM DIRTY ***!"
NO, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD. IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.
KISS ALL THIS *** GOODBYE. IT IS THE END.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSITIVITY, KISS ALL OF IT GOODBYE,
'CAUSE EVERYBODY'S LOST THEIR *** MIND.
EVERYBODY DONE WENT CRAZY.
EVERYBODY HAS WENT *** CRAZY.
THE SCHOOLTEACHERS HAVE WENT CRAZY.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TEACH THE KIDS,
NOT *** THEM.
THE TEACHERS ARE *** THE KIDS.
"I'LL GO TO SCHOOL FOR FOUR YEARS,
"AND THEN I'M GONNA *** THE KIDS.
I'M GOING TO *** THEM."
NO, IT IS. THE TEACHER'S CRAZY.
THE TEACHER NOW IS TEACHING, "2 AND 2 IS 4,
AND THE *** IS REAL GOOD -- COME GET IT."
THAT'S WHY THE SCHOOLS ARE OVERCROWDED -- THEY'RE ***.
THE KIDS DON'T CATCH THE BUS ANYMORE. THEY RUN.
THEY GOT TO ***. THEY RUN.
"*** THE BUS. I'M ***. I'M RUNNING."
THE TEACHER IS A FREAK.
THE TEACHER IS A SUPERFREAK. I'M SORRY.
BACK IN THE DAY, WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL,
THE TEACHER WAS A FREAK FOR APPLES.
THE *** LIKED APPLES.
IF I WENT TO SCHOOL AND TOOK THE TEACHER AN APPLE,
"***, HOW BIG IS YOUR ***?
"YOU'RE GOOD AT MATH.
"PULL OUT THEM 8 INCHES. SHOW ME 8 INCHES.
"PULL THAT JOYSTICK OUT. I WANT TO SUCK IT.
"I WANT A BABY. I WANT TWO BABIES.
GET OVER HERE, COWBOY. RIDE THIS PONY. RIDE IT!"
THE TEACHER IS A FREAK, AND YOU WITH YOUR STUPID RETARDED ***.
SCHOOL STARTS AT 9:00 A.M.
YOUR SON'S UP AT 5:00 A.M. DRINKING COFFEE, WHISTLING.
HE'S ***. KICK THE DOOR IN.
THE TEACHER IS A FREAK.
NOW, I CAN'T MAKE IT UP.
THERE WAS A TEACHER IN JERSEY, A GROWN-*** TEACHER.
A LITTLE GIRL, A 6-YEAR-OLD,
A LITTLE BLACK GIRL OF 6 YEARS OLD --
THE TEACHER TELLS HER --
SHE HAS A TABLET WITH A GORILLA ON IT -- "YOU'RE A GORILLA.
"YOUR MOM'S A GORILLA. YOUR DADDY'S A GORILLA.
DON'T YOU TELL ANYBODY."
A GROWN-*** WOMAN TELLS THIS LITTLE GIRL THIS.
THE LITTLE GIRL HELD IT FOR FOUR DAYS.
SHE TOLD THE MOTHER.
THE MOTHER WAS A NICE MOTHER. SHE CAME TO SCHOOL.
ALL SHE WANTED WAS AN APOLOGY. IS THAT A NICE MOTHER?
A GROWN-*** WOMAN -- IF THAT HAD BEEN MY 6-YEAR-OLD,
I'D HAVE WAITED FOR THAT WOMAN AFTER SCHOOL...
...IN A GORILLA OUTFIT.
AND I'D BEAT THAT ***'S *** FOR SEVEN DAYS.
EVERY TIME SHE SAW A GORILLA,
SHE'D HAVE BEEN HOLLERING, "OH, AAH!"
I DON'T KNOW WHY THESE PEOPLE THINK
THEY CAN MESS WITH PEOPLE'S CHILDREN
AND *** THEM AND *** THEM AND KILL THEM
AND GO ON ABOUT THEIR *** BUSINESS
AND NOBODY'S GONNA DO ANYTHING.
THEY'RE INSANE.
DON'T MESS WITH MY 6-YEAR-OLD.
I WILL CUT THE ***'S HEAD OFF
AND GO TO THE BAR AND TALK TO IT.
"GIVE ME A SCOTCH AND SODA AND GET MY FRIEND HERE A BEER."
WHEN THEY GO CRAZY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO CRAZY, TOO.
BUT IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD. IT IS THE END.
YOU CAN FORGET IT, BECAUSE THAT BUSH --
THAT LITTLE MUNCHKIN...
IS GONNA GET US INTO WORLD WAR VI.
WE'RE GOING RIGHT PAST III.
WHAT IS BUSH'S FULL NAME?
Woman: GEORGE W. BUSH.
GEORGE WHAT? WHAT DOES THE "W" STAND FOR?
WALTER? WALKER?
OKAY, SPELL THE FIRST NAME. SPELL "GEORGE."
SPELL IT. GO AHEAD.
HOW MANY LETTERS IS IT?
SPELL THE OTHER ONE. SIX.
BUSH IS -- WHAT -- FOUR.
"JR." MAKES SIX.
6-6-6.
[ CROWD GROANS ]
HE SAYS A LOT OF TRUTH ABOUT EVERYDAY SITUATIONS
THAT, SOMETIMES, I THINK, GOES OVER MOST PEOPLE'S HEADS.
BUT IF YOU REALLY PAY ATTENTION TO HIM WHILE HE'S TALKING...
OH, YEAH. OH, THE OMEN IS REAL.
IT'S REAL. HE'S A DEMON.
YOU SEE, HE TALKS MORE -- NO, HE IS.
HE TALKS MORE *** THAN JESSE JACKSON,
AND WHEN YOU CAN OUTTALK JESSE,
YOU'RE ABOUT A TALKING ***.
...YOU'LL ABSOLUTELY, AT THAT MOMENT, SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
BROTHER MAN IS SPEAKING SOME TRUTH ABOUT NOW."
BUT HE SAYS IT IN A WAY THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH.
HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT NOBODY. HE DON'T CARE ABOUT NOBODY.
AT LEAST CLINTON HAD THE CLASS TO LIE.
"I ROLLED A JOINT, BUT I DIDN'T INHALE."
BUSH SAID, "YEAH, I ROLLED A JOINT.
"I INHALED. I DID SOME ***.
"I DID SOME CRACK. I SHOT SOME ***.
"I DRANK A FIFTH OF SCOTCH. I *** YOUR MAMA.
"SO WHAT?
"I'M THE PRESIDENT,
AND I'LL DO WHAT THE *** I DO WHEN I WANT TO DO IT."
BUSH CARES ABOUT NO ONE.
HE HAS NO FEELINGS ABOUT NOBODY.
HE DON'T GIVE A ***.
AND HE'S JUST "WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION --
THAT'S WHY WE'RE GOING."
THEY AIN'T FOUND A *** FIRECRACKER --
NOT A FIRECRACKER.
WE DON'T ATTACK COUNTRIES
THAT HAVE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION --
BOW AND ARROWS OR ROCKS.
"PUT THE ROCK DOWN. WE'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES."
THE KOREANS -- THE NORTH KOREANS PROVED THAT.
THEY HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS, AND THEY TALK BIG ***.
DON'T START NO *** -- IT WON'T BE NONE.
THEY STARTED NAMING THE PLACES THEY'D BOMB --
LOS ANGELES, NEW YORK.
THEY DIDN'T GIVE A ***.
IN AMERICA, WE'LL CUT YOU OFF IF YOU DON'T COOPERATE.
THEY SAID, "CUT US OFF, AND WE WILL CONSIDER IT AN ACT OF WAR."
WE GOT A LONG WAYS AWAY FROM THEM.
"EAT YOUR RICE. WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER."
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION -- I'M SO SURE THEY HAVE THEM.
I'M SO SURE.
YEAH, YOU AND YOUR DADDY, 'CAUSE YOU GOT THE RECEIPT.
I HATE THE WHOLE FAMILY.
I HATE HIM. I HATE HIS DRUNK NIECES.
I HATE HIS MAMMY. I HATE HER.
THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT MAN ON THE OATMEAL BOX --
I HATE HER.
I CAN'T STAND HER. OH, *** THAT ***.
I CAN'T STAND THEM -- NONE OF THEM.
THEY CAN'T FIND BIN LADEN.
THIS SAND *** IS 7'4".
WHERE IS HE HIDING -- ON THE BASKETBALL COURT?
THEY'LL HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF FINDING UNCLE BEN.
I DON'T GET IT.
THEY JUST SIMPLY CAN'T FIND HIM.
BUT THEY CAN LOCK THE WHITE LADY UP.
MARTHA -- THEY LOCKED THAT *** UP FOR WALLPAPERING AND COOKING.
THEY OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES --
FOR WALLPAPERING AND COOKING.
AND IN JAIL, SHE WAS WALLPAPERING HER *** OFF,
TRYING TO KEEP THEM *** OFF THAT ***.
YOU KNOW THEY WANTED MARTHA.
"COME OVER HERE, MARTHA. LET ME TOSS THAT SALAD!
"GET OVER HERE, MARTHA! COME HERE!
I GOT YOUR CORNBREAD OVER HERE. COME OVER HERE, MARTHA!"
SEE, BUT ALL THE *** BACKFIRED, 'CAUSE MARTHA LOOKS DAMN GOOD.
MARTHA WENT TO JAIL LOOKING LIKE REGGIE JACKSON
AND CAME OUT LOOKING LIKE JANET.
SHE LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
MARTHA LOOKS REAL GOOD.
HALF THE WOMEN IN HERE -- YOU WANT TO BE MARTHA.
"LET ME GO TO JAIL FOR SIX MONTHS.
*** THE SURGEON. I WANT TO LOOK LIKE MARTHA."
CELEBRITIES DO THAT. THEY MAKE YOU WANT TO BE THERE.
LOOK AT MAGIC JOHNSON, THE POSTER CHILD FOR AIDS, REMEMBER?
BUT NOW HE'S MR. BUSINESSMAN.
HE OWNS EVERYTHING -- STARBUCKS, FRIDAY'S.
THAT *** OWNS ALL KIND OF ***.
THAT *** WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO HAVE AIDS.
"I'M NEGATIVE? GOD DAMN!"
"I'M POSITIVE? WHOO! I'M GONNA OWN ME A STARBUCKS!"
NO, IT'S CRAZY.
LISTEN, I'M TELLING YOU, KISS THIS *** GOODBYE.
THIS *** IS CRAZY. IT'S GOTTEN OUT OF HAND.
IT'S GOTTEN *** OUT -- THEY DONE ALL WENT *** CRAZY.
AND THAT *** TV -- THAT TUBE, THAT TV --
THAT'S ANOTHER DEMON.
IT NEVER GOES OFF.
IT NEVER GOES OFF.
BACK IN THE DAY, WHEN I WAS COMING UP, TV HAD DIGNITY.
IT WENT OFF. "GOOD NIGHT."
[ IMITATES TONE ]
IT HAD DIGNITY.
NOW IT'S LIKE SOME *** IN LAS VEGAS.
IT'S UP ALL NIGHT.
AND IF YOU TRY TO TURN IT OFF, IF YOU TOUCH IT, IT'LL TALK.
"GET YOUR *** HANDS OFF ME!
"GO PAY FOR THIS *** CABLE. GET BACK HERE.
THE MOVIE OF THE MINUTE'S COMING ON."
TV LIES. TV SAYS IT HAS RATINGS. IT HAS NO RATINGS.
HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED TV? YOU EVER WATCH A SOAP OPERA?
EVERYBODY'S *** EVERYBODY. NOBODY'S ANYBODY'S REAL MAMA.
ONE MAN'S HIS OWN FATHER.
THERE ARE NO RATINGS.
THEY PUT ANYTHING THEY WANT TO ON TV.
DO YOU REMEMBER "OZ"?
A HIT -- *** IN JAIL RAPING EACH OTHER, COMMITTING CRIMES,
STEALING, ROBBING, BUT THEY'RE IN JAIL.
WHITE FOLKS -- "SOPRANOS" -- DOING THE SAME THING,
BUT THEY'RE AT HOME.
TV's VERY INTERESTING.
IT'S THE END, THOUGH. IT IS THE *** END.
KISS ALL OF IT GOODBYE.
EVERYBODY DONE WENT STONE-*** CRAZY.
AND I THOUGHT *** WERE CRAZY,
BUT WHITE FOLKS ARE REAL CRAZY.
WHITE PEOPLE HAVE DONE SOME CRAZY ***.
WHITE FOLKS, YOU HAVE GOT TO FIND AN AGE LIMIT FOR THE POPE.
YOU HAVE GOT TO FIND ONE.
THIS RICKETY, CRICKETY -- THIS OLD-*** POPE --
HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS THE POPE.
HE THOUGHT IT WAS HALLOWEEN.
THEN THEY TOOK IN THAT MOVIE, "THE PASSION,"
TO GET HIS APPROVAL.
THAT MAN WAS OLD.
HE DID NOT KNOW WHAT HE WAS WATCHING.
THEY COULD HAVE SHOWED HIM "BARBERSHOP."
HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS WATCHING.
THEN -- THEN THE POPE DROPPED DEAD,
AND WHITE FOLKS WENT CRAZY.
THEY PARADED THE POPE AROUND LIKE HE WAS DRACULA.
I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA GET UP.
THE POPE STARTED STINKING.
THEY SAID, "WHAT IS THAT I SMELL?"
IT'S THE POPE. HE'S NOT GETTING UP. BURY HIM!
THEN THEY TELL ME THEY GOT A NAZI POPE NOW.
THEY PICKED A NAZI POPE, A POPE THAT WAS A NAZI.
THAT'S BECAUSE HE WAS WHITE. THEY GOT SCARED.
HE WAS WHITE, AND THEY GOT SCARED.
THEY DIDN'T CARE IF HE WAS A SERIAL KILLER,
JUST, "HE'S WHITE -- HURRY UP."
'CAUSE THERE WAS A *** PRIEST,
AND HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE *** POPE,
AND THEY GOT SCARED.
AND THE *** POPE WOULD HAVE BEEN THE PERFECT POPE.
WHO ELSE COULD WEAR THAT CAPE AND THAT JEWELRY
BUT A *** POPE?
AND WHEN THEY SHOOT AT THE *** POPE,
HE'LL BE SHOOTING BACK.
"THEY SHOT AT THE *** POPE THIS MORNING.
"HE SHOT EIGHT OTHER PEOPLE.
"HE COULD BE OVERHEARD SAYING,
"'THEY AIN'T GETTING THIS JEWELRY --
NOT ALL THIS PRAYING I DID DONE.'"
AND THANKS TO BUSH, THIS GAS *** --
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE BEEN IN GAS STATIONS -- IT'S INSANE.
I GO TO GET GAS, AND I THINK I'M AT STARBUCKS.
I SAID, "I DON'T WANT A LATTE.
I WANT A GALLON OF *** GAS."
THAT'S $100 A GALLON.
I'VE SEEN PEOPLE LEAVE THEIR CAR ON THE FREEWAY
AND JUST START WALKING.
IS IT JUST ME? IS GAS HIGH?
IS IT HIGH?
DO YOU READ? DO YOU READ?
IT AIN'T BEEN A DRIVE-BY IN L.A. IN THREE MONTHS.
YOU HEAR THE *** TALKING,
"I CAN'T AFFORD TO KILL THAT ***."
THERE IS NOBODY THAT CAN TOUCH PAUL MOONEY
IN THE WAY THAT HE TALKS...
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING -- I HAD THE BEST TIME
WATCHING THE PREJUDICED -- I'M SORRY -- THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
...AND THE WAY HE JUST GIVES IT FROM HIS HEART.
THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST *** IN LIFE.
WHEN THEM WHITE FOLKS SAID, "AND NOW...
THE SONG OF THE YEAR."
WHEN THEY SAID "PIMPS GOT IT HARD OUT HERE,"
I HAD TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY FOR OXYGEN.
I DID.
"WHOO!" THAT WAS SOME FUNNY-*** ***.
OSCAR AIN'T SPOKEN IN 50 YEARS.
THE OSCARS WENT, "WHAT?!
WHAT KIND OF *** *** IS THIS?!"
AND THAT'S WHEN THE REAL ACTING STARTED.
DID YOU SEE THE WHITE FOLKS' FACES?
"OH, IT'S OKAY. IT'S A FUN SONG. IT'S OKAY."
I'D LIKE TO HAVE BEEN A FLY ON THE WALL AT HOME
WHEN THEM WHITE FOLKS GOT HOME IN THEM GOWNS AND *** --
"WHAT KIND OF *** *** WAS THIS TODAY?!
"*** THE OSCARS! *** YOU!
"I FELT LIKE I WAS AT THE SOURCE AWARDS!
WHAT KIND OF 'SOUL TRAIN' *** WAS THAT TONIGHT?!"
"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" GOT ITS FACE BROKE.
THEY JUST KNEW THAT LITTLE LOVE STORY
WAS GONNA WIN ALL THE ***.
THAT'S TOO FUNNY.
"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" -- WHEN I WENT TO SEE THAT ***,
I WENT WITH MY FRIENDS FROM PETA
AND MY FRIEND FROM THE ANIMAL CHANNEL.
WE WENT TO THE PREMIERE.
WE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THEM FREAKING.
THEY SAID, "THEY CAN *** ALL THEY WANT TO.
WE'RE NOT INTERESTED. WE CAME THERE FOR THE SHEEP."
WE SAID, "IF THEY TOUCH THE SHEEP,
WE'LL BURN THIS *** TO THE GROUND."
EVERY TIME WE HEARD SHEEP, WE STOOD UP.
"BAA." "WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!"
WE WERE VERY CONCERNED WITH THE SHEEP.
WHITE FOLKS AND THEIR MOVIES.
WHITE FOLKS AND THEIR MOVIES -- THEY'RE TOO MUCH FOR ME.
THEY'RE TOO MUCH. HOLLYWOOD'S TOO MUCH FOR ME.
BUT I GOT A FILM FOR THEM. I HAVE A FILM FOR THEM.
"DESPERATE HOUSE ***"...
...STARRING THE ENTIRE HOLLYWOOD POPULATION.
[ LAUGHS ]
AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT'S FUNNY --
THIS THING ABOUT "THE DA VINCI CODE" -- "THE DA VINCI CODE" --
IT'S FICTION, BUT THE ONLY THING DANGEROUS ABOUT IT
IS FILM IS VERY DANGEROUS.
PEOPLE BELIEVE WHAT THEY SEE.
I'M GONNA TAKE YOU BACK.
"THE EXORCIST" -- PEOPLE BELIEVE WHAT THEY *** SEE.
YOU HAD TO GET A TICKET TO GO TO THE CHURCH.
THE CHURCH WAS CROWDED, OVERPACKED.
NO, IT'S REAL.
THIS IS REAL.
"PSYCHO" -- THEY DIDN'T TAKE SHOWERS FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS.
"JAWS" -- THE BEACHES WERE EMPTY.
PEOPLE BELIEVE WHAT THEY SEE.
IF YOU SAY "EXORCIST" DIDN'T SCARE YOU, YOU'RE FULL OF ***.
THAT WAS A TERRIFYING MOVIE.
MY LATE FRIEND RICHARD PRYOR -- WE WERE AT A PARTY,
AND A CONGRESSWOMAN SAID, "PAUL, YOU AND RICHARD --
"YOU WANT TO GO OVER HERE TO WESTWOOD?
WE'RE GOING TO SEE THIS MOVIE, 'THE EXORCIST.'"
WE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THE BOOK -- NONE OF THAT ***.
IT WAS JUST VIP. WE WANTED TO HANG OUT.
VIP -- YEAH.
WE RAN OVER WITH THIS CONGRESS LADY.
WE SAT RIGHT IN THE FRONT, VIP.
THE LITTLE MOVIE CAME ON. THIS IS FOR REAL.
ME AND RICHARD WERE SITTING THERE.
YOU KNOW HOW IT CAME ON --
THEY WERE UP IN THE MOUNTAINS AND STUFF.
NO. THEN THEY GO TO NEW YORK.
PHUT!
OUIJA BOARD -- INTERESTING.
OUIJA BOARD, OUIJA BOARD.
THEN THE PRIEST COMES IN THE HOUSE,
AND THE LITTLE GIRL'S IN THE HALLWAY,
AND THE LITTLE GIRL PEES.
WE GO, "WHAT KIND OF NASTY ***...
IS THIS A ***? WHAT KIND OF *** IS THIS?"
'CAUSE WE'D NEVER SEEN NOBODY PEE IN A MOVIE.
"WHAT KIND OF *** *** IS THIS --
THIS LITTLE *** PEEING?"
THEN THE *** STARTED.
[ GROWLS ]
"DIMMY? WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME, DIMMY?
DIMMY?"
[ GROWLING ]
AND TURNING HEADS AND...
[ SNARLING ]
NOW RICHARD AND I ARE AT THE EXIT IN THE BACK.
THAT *** SCARED THE *** OUT OF US.
I'M NOT LYING.
THAT *** WAS *** SCARY.
THEN WE GO HOME.
WE'RE SCARED. WE GO HOME.
WE'RE SCARED TO DEATH. WE GO HOME.
MY MID SON -- HE'S HERE -- SHANE.
HE'S IN HIS ROOM. HE HAS ASTHMA.
I GO THROUGH THE ROOM. HE'S [GROWLS]
"AAH!"
I MADE THAT *** STAY UP ALL NIGHT.
I SAID, "GET UP, ***. YOU AIN'T GOING TO SLEEP!"
I MADE HIM STAY UP ALL NIGHT.
THAT'S A TRUE STORY. YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE.
AND PEOPLE GONNA GET INTO THE DA VINCI *** --
THE WHITE FOLKS WENT CRAZY -- THEY DONE MADE JESUS A ***.
HE MARRIES A HO, HAS KIDS.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH WHITE FOLKS?
THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE NO RESPECT FOR JESUS.
BUT WHITE PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS GOT UP IN GOD'S FACE -- THEY HAVE.
THEY DID IT WITH THE TITANIC. THEY DID IT -- "UNSINKABLE.
"UNSINKABLE.
"I'M WHITE, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING,
AND NOTHING CAN SINK THIS."
AND THE *** TRIED TO TELL HIM,
"BOSS, WHY DON'T YOU PUT SOME --"
"SHUT UP, ***! SHUT UP!
"DON'T WORRY YOUR LITTLE *** HEAD ABOUT THIS.
"I'LL BE CONCERNED, ALL RIGHT?
"THIS IS MY PROBLEM. IT'S NOT YOURS.
AND YOU WON'T BE GOING, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."
"I CAN'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU. I CAN'T TAKE YOU.
"THOSE HEAVY *** BONES -- YOU'LL DROWN.
HEAVY *** BONES -- I CAN'T BE RESPONSIBLE."
[ LAUGHS ]
THE TITANIC TOOK OFF.
ALL THE *** WAS ONSHORE, "BYE, NOW, Y'ALL.
Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, YOU HEAR?"
THEM WHITE FOLKS GOT OUT THERE AND HIT THAT ICEBERG, BABY,
AND THAT LYING-*** HOLLYWOOD, ALL UP THERE --
THE RUBY AND, OH, THEY'RE SO BRAVE, AND THEY'RE SINGING.
THAT'S SUCH A CROCK OF ***.
THEY WAS HOLLERING LIKE LITTLE ROACHES.
AND THAT SHIP SANK TO THE BOTTOM,
AND THE SHARKS WENT INTO A FRENZY.
YOU KNOW, SHARKS LIVE TO BE 5,000 YEARS OLD.
THEY'RE STILL DOWN THERE NOW, TALKING ABOUT THE TITANIC.
"REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY, THE GOOD OLD DAYS?
"WHOO, THE TITANIC. OOH, THAT WHITE MEAT.
"OH, MY GOD, THAT WHITE MEAT WAS SO GOOD.
"WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM SLAVES?
"I AIN'T HAD DARK MEAT IN 500 YEARS.
"WHAT?
"TELL ME I GOT TO GO TO THE MALL TO GET ME A ***.
WHAT HAPPENED?"
NO, IT DOESN'T.
PEOPLE THINK -- THEY THINK, "YOU'RE MILITANT.
I'M NOT ANY OF THAT ***.
THEY'RE TRYING TO BLAME THIS RACIAL *** ON ME.
IT WAS HERE WHEN I CAME HERE. I COULD DROP DEAD RIGHT NOW.
I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE RACE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA.
AND THEY TRY TO MAKE ME -- "OH, IT'S HIM.
NOT -- MOONEY -- IT'S HIM. IT'S HIM."
NO, IT'S NOT *** ME.
NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S NOT ME. IT'S NOT.
AND THE ONES OF YOU THAT ARE SMART, YOU WILL CLAP,
AND YOU WILL SAY THINGS AND KEEP YOUR PASSION,
BUT YOU LITTLE JIM JONES KOOL-AID-DRINKING ***
AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHING.
THEY'RE NOT TAKING MY PASSION FROM ME.
THERE'S NOT ENOUGH MONEY. THERE'S NOT ENOUGH IN IT.
THEY'RE NOT TAKING MY *** PASSION AND WHO I AM.
*** THAT. I'M KEEPING MY PASSION.
I'M KEEPING MY BLACKNESS.
NO, I CAN'T LET GO.
SORRY, KIDS. I CANNOT LET GO.
I JUST CAN'T.
I CAN'T LET -- THEY COME, "OH, NOW, PAUL.
"PAUL.
"YOU'RE BRILLIANT. YOU'RE A GENIUS.
BUT THE RACIAL STUFF, PAUL."
BUT, NO, IT'S HERE, AND IT'S GONNA BE HERE,
AND IT'S NOT GOING NOWHERE.
JUST LIKE THEY ASKED ME ABOUT THE WORD "***" --
ALL OF IT'S SO STUPID.
"***, *** -- WHAT IS A ***?"
'CAUSE, LOOK, I'VE BEEN A *** FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
WHEN IT WAS IMPORTANT, NOBODY SAID NOTHING.
ALL YOU PUNK *** DIDN'T DEFEND ***.
YOU KEPT QUIET. THEY WERE SCARED.
NOW IT DON'T MEAN *** --
EVERYBODY HAS SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT,
'CAUSE IT DON'T MEAN A *** THING.
"I AIN'T NO ***. DON'T YOU CALL ME NO ***."
ALL THAT OLD ***, NOW THAT IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
EVERYBODY HAS SOMETHING TO SAY.
"THE RAPPER SAID THIS. THEY SHOULDN'T SAY IT."
I HAVE BEEN CALLED IT ENOUGH,
I'LL SAY IT ANY *** TIME I FEEL LIKE IT.
ANYTIME I FEEL LIKE SAYING "***," I'LL SAY IT.
AND I SAY IT A HUNDRED TIMES EVERY MORNING WHEN I WAKE UP.
I SAY IT.
IT MAKES MY TEETH WHITE.
"***, ***, ***, ***, ***, ***, ***, ***,
***, ***, ***, ***, ***."
IT OFFENDS PEOPLE, BUT GOOD -- THEY SHOULD BE OFFENDED.
I THINK IF ANYBODY'S AFRAID OF PAUL MOONEY, GOOD.
STAY AFRAID, BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU'RE SHUT DOWN AND *** UP
AND CLOSED OFF, AND YOU HAVE NO SOUL.
I WOULDN'T TRY TO COERCE ANYBODY INTO LOVING PAUL MOONEY OR ME.
EITHER YOU GET WITH THE PROGRAM AND YOU GET ON BOARD,
OR YOU'RE ***.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NO.
AND HOLLYWOOD IS FUNNY,
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 32 YEARS.
HOLLYWOOD IS FUNNY.
HOLLYWOOD PRETENDS NOW
THAT IT'S THE FIRST TIME THEY'VE HEARD "***."
I'VE BEEN SAYING "***" FOR 32 *** YEARS
AND WRITING IT FOR RICHARD TO SAY IT FOR THAT LONG.
AND NOW THEY PRETEND, "'***' -- THAT'S WONDERFUL."
AND ON TV, A MEXICAN SAYS IT AND GETS A STANDING OVATION.
AND NOW IT'S ALL -- THEY WANTED TO CRUCIFY ME.
EVERYTHING I DID AND SAID, THEY WANTED TO KILL ME FOR.
EVERYBODY ELSE DOES IT -- "THIS IS BRILLIANT.
THIS IS GREAT. I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY."
THAT'S HOW GOOD HOLLYWOOD IS.
HOLLYWOOD IS GOOD.
BUT THAT'S REAL, AND I HATE TO TAKE YOU THERE
AND TAKE YOU ON THE WHOLE TRIP, BUT IT'S THE WAY IT IS.
A WHITE WOMAN WAS BAKING A CHOCOLATE CAKE.
[ CHUCKLES ] NO, SHE TURNED HER BACK.
HER LITTLE BOY TOOK THE CHOCOLATE
AND RUBBED IT ON HIS FACE.
"LOOK, MOMMY, I'M BLACK."
SHE SLAPPED THE *** OUT OF HIM.
"GO TELL YOUR FATHER WHAT YOU DID!"
"LOOK, DADDY, I'M BLACK."
HE TOOK THAT BELT OFF AND BEAT HIS ***.
"GO TELL YOUR GRANDFATHER."
"LOOK, GRANDPA, I'M BLACK."
HE TOOK A SWITCH OUT AND BEAT HIS ***.
"NOW, GO BACK TO YOUR MAMA!"
MOTHER SAID, "NOW, WHAT DID YOU LEARN TODAY?"
HE SAID, "I LEARNED "THAT I'VE BEEN BLACK FOR FIVE MINUTES,
AND ALREADY, I HATE YOU WHITE ***."
IT'S ONLY A JOKE. IT'S ONLY A *** JOKE.
DON'T GET *** CARRIED AWAY.
[ Voice breaking ] "THAT'S NOT A JOKE.
THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THAT'S NOT A JOKE."
NO, LISTEN, WE HAVE GOT TO GET BACK TO CHRIST.
I CAN'T SAY "JESUS," 'CAUSE THERE'S NO "J" IN HEBREW.
I HATE TO START ***, BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.
NOW, SEE, I THOUGHT I'D LOST MY MAGIC.
IT'S LIKE THAT WHITE COUPLE THAT LEFT TONIGHT -- IT'S HOLLYWOOD.
IT'S THE WAY THEY ARE HERE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
Man: I LOVE IT, MOONEY.
I LOVE IT, TOO. I LOVE IT WHEN THEY RUN.
IT'S OKAY. BUT IT'S GOOD WHEN THEY RUN.
IT'S GOOD. IT'S GREAT.
'CAUSE THEY KEEP THEIR WHITENESS.
THEY'RE GOING TO THE BEACH. THEY'RE GOING TO THE BEACH.
WHEN THEY GOT UP AND THEY LEFT,
I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE, 'CAUSE IT'S L.A.
'CAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE COMING HERE
TO SEE MICKEY ROONEY.
THEY GO, "I THOUGHT YOU SAID
WE WERE GONNA COME AND SEE MICKEY ROONEY."
THEY HAD TO LEAVE. IT'S GREAT.
THEY DON'T KNOW HOW GREAT IT IS THAT THEY HAVE TO LEAVE.
"IT'S TOO BLACK."
BUT NOTHING CAN BE TOO WHITE.
BUT I'M NOT STUPID. I KNOW HOLLYWOOD.
I GOT THEM. I KNOW WHAT'S UP.
I'M TAKING THIS SAME ***, AND I'M PUTTING IT ON ICE.
'CAUSE WHITE FOLKS LOVE IT WHEN IT'S ON ICE.
'CAUSE "THE COLOR PURPLE" NOW --
AS IF THE MOVIE WASN'T ENOUGH, IT'S ON BROADWAY.
THEY HAVE SONGS, AS IF THE MOVIE WASN'T E-***-NOUGH.
IT'S GONNA END UP ON ICE, TOO. I CAN'T WAIT.
♪ WHAT YOU DONE TO ME ♪
♪ WHAT... ♪
I CAN'T WAIT. I CAN'T.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, IT'S THE BEST. IT'S THE *** BEST.
IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. IT'S THE BEST.
YOU SEE, I'M GLAD THEY LEFT, TOO,
BECAUSE IT JUST PROVES MY POINT
THAT RACE MEANS EVERYTHING IN AMERICA -- IT DOES.
AND IF YOU HAVE THE COMPLEXION FOR THE PROTECTION,
IF YOUR SKIN IS WHITE -- OH, NO, AND IT DOES PROTECT YOU.
I DON'T GIVE A *** WHAT NOBODY SAYS.
IF YOU THINK IT DOESN'T, YOU'RE NAIVE.
THAT'S WHY, WHEN I SEE HOMELESS WHITE PEOPLE, I START CRYING.
I JUST START CRYING. I DO.
I GO, "WHAT A WASTE OF WHITE SKIN.
WHAT A WASTE."
LOOK AT MARK FUHRMAN -- LIED, PERJURY, PERJURIZED,
AND GOT A BOOK AND FAME.
I GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT, BRO.
WHAT'S HER NAME? I'M JUST TELLING YOU, IT'S REALITY.
WHAT'S HER NAME? LIL' KIM -- LIED.
THEY GAVE HER -- WHAT? -- TWO YEARS.
HE WAS A POLICEMAN. HE SHOULD HAVE GOT FIVE YEARS.
BUT THE THING THAT SAVED HIM
IS HE HAS THE COMPLEXION FOR THE PROTECTION.
HIS SKIN PROTECTS HIM.
IT MEANS EVERYTHING.
EVEN BLACKS, WHITE --
EVERYBODY TALKS *** WHEN IT COMES TO RACE.
EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT THEIR SWEDISH GRANDMOTHER,
THEIR CHINESE COUSIN.
EVERYBODY TRIES TO DIS AFRICA.
NOBODY WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THEIR BIG, BLACK, FAT AFRICAN GRANDMOTHER.
THEY DON'T.
THEY WANT TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
AND I WANT TO GIVE EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM
YOUR *** WAKE-UP CALL.
IF I LEAVE THE ROOM AND TAKE AFRICA WITH ME,
GUESS WHAT GOES WITH ME?
BIG LIPS, BIG ***, BIG *** --
ALL THE BIG *** GOES WITH ME.
YOU'LL BE SOME LITTLE-***, FLAT-BUTT,
LITTLE-*** *** IF I TAKE AFRICA OUT OF HERE,
OR YOU'LL BE AT THE SURGEONS ALL THE TIME,
TRYING TO GET SOME ***.
THAT'S REAL, AND SO LET'S NOT LEAVE AFRICA OUT.
LET'S KEEP AFRICA IN.
'CAUSE EVERYBODY, ABOUT RACE, GETS REAL FUNNY.
THE HAWAIIANS -- "OH, WE'RE HAWAIIAN.
WE'RE NOT SAMOANS."
AND SAMOANS AIN'T NOTHING BUT SOME MORE ***.
THE FILIPINOS -- THEY CALL THEM "NEGRITOS."
THEY'RE THE REAL ONES,
'CAUSE FILIPINOS ARE JAPANESE, CHINESE, SPANISH,
BUT THE REAL ONES ARE ***, AND THEY KNOW IT.
BUT EVERYBODY TRIES TO LEAVE THAT OUT.
ABORIGINES, THE MISSING LINK -- THEY'RE THE LINK -- ***.
*** ARE EVERYWHERE.
ALL MY PUERTO RICAN FRIENDS -- "I'M SPANISH."
I SAID, "WHAT DID YOU SAY, ***?"
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE SPACE PROGRAM,
BUT I KNOW A *** WHEN I SEE ONE.
DON'T GET IT TWISTED.
YOU SPEAK SPANISH.
YOU HAVE SPANISH BLOOD.
BUT YOU ARE A *** BECAUSE OF SLAVERY.
AND SOME OF YOU ARE SLOW.
YOU'RE THINKING, "OH, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT."
LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU.
WHAT AM I SPEAKING?
ENGLISH. DO I LOOK LIKE QUEEN ELIZABETH?
I HAVE ENGLISH BLOOD IN ME BECAUSE OF SLAVERY,
BUT I'M A ***.
DON'T GET THE *** TWISTED.
PUERTO RICANS, DOMINICANS, CUBANS AIN'T NOTHING
BUT *** THAT CAN SWIM.
NO, THE CUBANS KNOW.
YOU GOT CUBANS WHO LOOK WHITE. THEY AIN'T.
LOOKS ARE DECEIVING.
YOU'VE GOT PUERTO RICANS WHO LOOK WHITE. THEY AIN'T.
YOU GOT *** IN WHERE I'M FROM IN LOUISIANA
THAT LOOK WHITE, AND THEY AIN'T.
LOOKS ARE DECEIVING.
AND SEE, CALIFORNIA IS SUCKERS FOR SKIN AND HAIR.
THEY'RE SUCKERS FOR IT.
IF SOMEBODY GOT STRAIGHT HAIR AND LIGHT SKIN,
THEY JUST THINK THEY'RE NOT A ***.
IT'S CRAZY.
AND DON'T LET THE ASIANS FOOL YOU, EITHER.
DON'T LET THE ASIANS FOOL YOU.
RICE DIDN'T COME FROM THEM. RICE CAME FROM US.
WE INTRODUCED RICE TO THEM WHEN WE CAME HERE --
TO WHITE FOLKS DURING SLAVERY, 'CAUSE RICE COMES FROM AFRICA.
WE THREW THE RICE AT THE ASIANS.
THEY GOT SCARED. THEY GOT SCARED.
THEY SAID, "DON'T TOUCH IT. PICK IT UP WITH STICKS."
THE REST IS HISTORY.
THE REST IS HISTORY.
*** FROM THE ISLANDS -- THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN US.
THE *** FROM THE ISLANDS THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN US.
I'M SORRY. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE HERE.
THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN US,
'CAUSE THEY DROPPED YOU OFF FIRST.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WENT TO THE ISLANDS.
"WELCOME HOME."
I SAID, "***, WELCOME HALFWAY HOME.
WHEN I GET TO AFRICA, WE'LL BOTH BE HOME."
AND AFRICANS -- I HATE.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
I DON'T LIKE AFRICANS, 'CAUSE THEY HAVE AN ATTITUDE.
AFRICANS ACT LIKE THEY'RE MAD AT US.
WHY DO THEY HAVE ATTITUDE -- LOOK DOWN?
WHAT IS THE ATTITUDE FOR? THEY GOT THEIR *** TWISTED.
NO, WE'RE MAD AT YOU.
WE WAITED, AND NOBODY CAME FOR US!
ANY OTHER RACE WOULD HAVE DECLARED WAR ON AMERICA
AND ASKED FOR THEIR PEOPLE BACK.
AFRICANS WROTE US OFF LIKE A BAD CHECK,
AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA SHOW UP 500 YEARS LATER
WITH A BRIEFCASE FULL OF WATCHES.
I DON'T NEED NO *** WATCH! I KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!
THEY GOT THEIR *** TWISTED.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO TO AFRICA
AND FIND THE VILLAGE WE COME FROM.
WE WERE STOLEN.
COME TO THE GHETTO AND FIND MY BLACK ***.
I DONE BEEN COLORED. I'VE BEEN ***.
I'VE BEEN SO MANY *** THINGS.
AND IT'S NOT TRUE. NONE OF THAT IS TRUE.
WE'RE NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
I PUT DOWN THERE -- WHEN THEY PUT "RACE,"
WHAT IT REALLY IS, I PUT IT DOWN.
WHAT ARE WE?
"STOLEN AFRICANS" -- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE.
I FIGURED IT OUT FOR MYSELF --
THAT'S WHY WHITE PEOPLE DON'T WANT US IN THEIR NEIGHBORHOODS
OR AT THEIR HOUSE.
EVERY STATE IN AMERICA, YOU CAN BE ARRESTED
FOR HAVING STOLEN PROPERTY ON YOUR PROPERTY.
IF I WAS WHITE, I WOULDN'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL, EITHER.
WE'VE GOT TO PRAY.
WE HAVE GOT TO GET BACK TO CHRIST.
WE GOT TO GET ON OUR KNEES. WE GOT TO PRAY.
WE GOT TO COME HOME, 'CAUSE EVERYBODY WENT CRAZY.
THESE FEMALES -- THESE DIVAS THAT WENT REAL CRAZY --
WE'LL START WITH DIANA ROSS.
ARRESTED FOR UNDER THE INFLUENCE.
THEY SAID THAT SHE WAS SO DRUNK, WHEN THEY PULLED HER OVER,
THEY OPENED THE DOOR -- SHE JUST FELL OUT.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
"YES, YOU'RE A DRUNK ***, AND YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL."
DIANA ROSS -- DIVA!
MARRIED TO A RICH WHITE MAN THAT WENT MOUNTAIN CLIMBING
AND AIN'T BEEN HEARD OF SINCE.
THAT'S WHAT WHITE FOLKS WILL DO --
THEY WILL CLIMB MOUNTAINS. THEY'RE LIKE GOATS.
YOU CAN'T GET A DRUNK *** TO JUMP OFF A PORCH.
JUMP, ***, JUMP!
BUT WHITE FOLKS WILL CLIMB THEM MOUNTAINS
TO GET AWAY FROM ***.
AND THE HIGHER THEY GET, THE HAPPIER THEY GET.
THEY START HALLUCINATING. THEY START YODELING.
YODEL-OO! YODEL-LOO-LOO-LOO!
THEY GET REAL CRAZY.
DIANA ROSS -- DIVA!
RICH, LIVES IN EUROPE, FLEW OVER HERE ON HER PRIVATE JET.
THE HAIR CAME OVER ON SOUTHWEST.
Woman: OH, NO!
DIANA ROSS -- DIVA!
THEY HAD TO LOCK HER UP IN BETTY FORD.
[ LAUGHS ]
THE NEXT NIGHT, THEY HAD TO THROW HER OUT.
SHE WAS IN THE HALLWAY, SINGING LOUD.
♪ IF THERE'S A CURE FOR THIS ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT IT ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT IT ♪
"SHUT UP, ***!
GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!"
MARIAH CAREY -- DIVA!
THE WHITE HALF OF HER SAID SHE HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
THE BLACK HALF SAYS, CRACKHEAD ***!
WHITNEY, WHITNEY,
WHITNE-E-EY!
DID YOU SEE THE SPECIAL? DID YOU SEE THE SPECIAL?
I GOT HIGH JUST WATCHING THE ***.
MY FRIENDS CALLED ME UP.
I SAID, "GET OVER HERE. CHANGE THE CHANNEL.
I'M GONNA O.D. ON THIS ***."
BOBBY'S SITTING UP THERE LIKE HER PAROLE OFFICER,
WATCHING EVERYTHING SHE'S SAYING.
THE *** WAS EMBARRASSING.
LET'S BE REAL FOR ONE MINUTE --
GOD HAS GIVEN WHITNEY EVERYTHING.
SHE'S SKINNY.
EVERYBODY WANT TO BE -- WHAT? -- BE REAL -- SKINNY.
SHE PRETTY. EVERYBODY WANT TO BE PRETTY.
SHE GOT MONEY. SHE GOT FAME. SHE GOT ALL THAT ***.
AND THIS *** WANT TO BE POPEYE.
***, PUT THE PIPE DOWN. YOU AIN'T POPEYE.
I JUST STOODS ALL I CAN STANDS --
I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE. PUT THE *** PIPE DOWN!
AND THE WHITE FOLKS SAID THERE'S A ROCK HEADED FOR EARTH.
IT'S GONNA TAKE SEVEN YEARS TO GET HERE.
IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, AND NOTHING CAN STOP IT.
I SAID, "WELL, SEND WHITNEY UP WITH THAT PIPE.
THAT *** WILL STOP IT."
GO GET 'EM, CAPTAIN WHITNEY!
MICHAEL JACKSON -- DIVA!
DIVA!
MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MICHAEL.
MICHAEL TURNED OUT TO BE A REAL ***.
HE'S NOT PAYING THEM IN NEVER-NEVERLAND.
HE SAID, "YOU WORK HERE,
AND YOU AIN'T GONNA NEVER-NEVER GET PAID."
WELL, THEY SAY MICHAEL JACKSON'S BROKE.
THEY'RE BACK TO THAT AGAIN, WHICH IS A LIE.
IF HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY, THAT HAIR WOULD BE ***.
THAT HAIR IS ALWAYS PERMED, AND PERMS COST MONEY.
AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR MIND -- MICHAEL'S NOT A ***.
HE'S NOT A *** ***. I KNEW THAT DURING THE TRIAL.
WHEN THEM GROWN-UPS COME IN THERE,
TALKING ABOUT THEY SAW MICHAEL GET NAKED
AND *** GOING HARD AND *** THE KIDS 15, 20 YEARS AGO --
YOU'RE AN ADULT. I'M THE JUDGE.
I LOCK THE DOOR -- EVERYBODY GOING TO ALL.
ALL YOU GROWN FOLKS ARE GOING TO JAIL.
YOU WATCHED THE CHILD GET LIKE THAT.
YOU HELD THIS *** FOR 20 YEARS. YOU'RE GOING TO *** JAIL.
IT WAS ABOUT THAT MONEY. IT WAS ***.
COME ON, "MICHAEL GOT NAKED."
THAT *** WON'T EVEN TAKE HIS GLOVES OFF.
THAT *** AIN'T GONNA GET NAKED.
MICHAEL'S NOT A ***.
IT WOULD DAMN NEAR MAKE HIM NORMAL.
HE'S NOT A ***. HE'S CRAZY AS CATSHIT.
HE IS CRAZY.
THE *** IS "X FILES." HE'S "X FILES."
EVERY TIME I SEE MICHAEL, I GO, "SCULLY?
SCULLY? SCULLY?"
HE'S *** "X FILES."
ARETHA FRANKLIN -- DIVA!
YOU SAW HER ON "OPRAH." YOU SAW HER ON "OPRAH."
SHE CONFESSED. SHE CONFESSED.
SHE'S A FOOD-CAHOLIC.
AND SHE'S BIG AS A DUPLEX...
AND JUST *** FOR EVERYBODY.
SHE'S IN DENIAL -- JUST ***,
AND SHE WEARS FEATHERS AND FEATHERS.
SHE TOO BIG FOR FEATHERS.
WHO DRESSES THIS *** -- BIG BIRD?
AND SHE TRIED TO WEAR TONI BRAXTON'S
LITTLE SPAGHETTI STRAP.
TAKE THAT OFF. THAT'S A LEG WARMER.
TAKE THAT LITTLE DRESS OFF.
THAT'S A LEG WARMER FOR YOU, ***.
WE KNEW ARETHA WHEN SHE WAS BASIC.
ALL SHE WANTED WAS RESPECT AND A KISS.
AND SHE WOULD SPELL IT.
SHE DON'T WANT THAT NOW. SHE'S A FOOD-CAHOLIC.
AND ***, *** --
'CAUSE I WAS WATCHING ON MY FRIEND'S 19-INCH TV SET.
I COULD ONLY SEE ONE ***.
I HAD TO GO NEXT DOOR TO THE NEIGHBOR'S 36-INCH TV
TO SEE BOTH ***.
SHE WANTS FOOD NOW.
SHE SPELLS "RECIPE." SHE'S SPELLING "RECIPE."
SHE DON'T GIVE A *** ABOUT THE OTHER ***.
SAID, "***, DO YOU KNOW I WILL HURT YOU?
"I'M HUNGRY. CAN YOU FRY A CHICKEN?
"CAN YOU BROIL ONE? CAN YOU BAKE ONE, ***?
"DO YOU KNOW THE PIZZA MAN? ***, I'LL KILL YOU.
"CAN YOU MAKE SOME BUTTER -- A BIG POT OF BUTTER?
"I WANT SOME GRAVY.
"I WANT SOME HOT WATER CORNBREAD, ***.
"CAN YOU BROIL A STEAK? ***, I WILL HURT YOU.
"DO YOU HAVE SOME PUMPKIN SEEDS? YOU GOT JELLY BEANS?
***, I'M HUNGRY!"
ARETHA DONE WENT CRAZY -- WENT CRAZY WITH ***.
AND YOU BLACK WOMEN KNOW THE POWER OF A BLACK ***.
THAT CHOCOLATE MILK IS A ***.
YOU KNOW THE POWER OF A BLACK ***.
JANET JACKSON PROVED IT.
IT DAMN NEAR CANCELED THE SUPER BOWL.
AND THE *** WASN'T THAT BIG.
WHITE FOLKS WENT CRAZY.
ACT LIKE THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT *** WAS.
THEY DNA'd, AAA'd, ROLAID --
THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT *** WAS.
THAT ONE LITTLE *** CAUSED ALL THAT *** TROUBLE.
I SAID, "WHAT IF ARETHA WOULD PULL THEM BIG OLD ***
OF HERS OUT?"
THEY'D HAVE WENT CRAZY. THEY'D HAVE WENT *** CRAZY.
THEM WHITE MEN WOULD HAVE RUSHED THAT STAGE,
GOT TO KISSING ON THEM BIG BLACK *** --
"OH, MAMMY, MAMMY!" [ SMOOCHING ]
"I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK, MAMMY, MAMMY, MAMMY, MAMMY!
[ SMOOCHING ] MAMMY, MAMMY!"
AND THE WHITE WOMEN WOULD HAVE GOTTEN MAD.
"CHARLES, SIT YOUR *** DOWN." "*** YOU, ***. MAMMY'S BACK."
[ SMOOCHING ]
WHO WAS THE WHITE MAN THAT PULLED THE *** OUT?
JUSTIN.
YEAH, THAT LITTLE DOUBLE AGENT.
WANT TO SING, DANCE, AND HIP-HOP WITH ***,
BUT DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL WITH ***.
HE TURNED WHITE MAN, DIDN'T HE?
"I'M APPALLED."
I SAID, "OH, MY GOD. HE IS WHITE."
JUSTIN -- HE COMES FROM THAT "MICKEY MOUSE CLUB" ***.
NO, THAT PREJUDICED-*** "MICKEY MOUSE CLUB" ***,
THAT WALT DISNEY *** --
IN LOVE WITH A LITTLE *** RAT,
BUT DON'T WANT NO *** IN THE GANG.
NO, IT WAS A RAT.
ANYTHING THAT BIG IS A RAT -- IT WASN'T A MOUSE.
IT WAS A RAT.
AND THEY DIDN'T WANT *** IN THERE
'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T THINK *** COULD SPELL.
♪ M-K-K P-O-T P-O-T-O-Y ♪
I REMEMBER THAT PREJUDICE-*** "MICKEY MOUSE CLUB."
♪ M-I-C ♪
SEE, ***, YOU CAN'T BE IN THE CLUB.
♪ K-E-Y ♪
WHY? BECAUSE YOU'RE A ***!
♪ M-O-U-S-E ♪
ME, *** -- JUST ME!
WHO IS THIS *** THAT THEY PUT IN MOVIES
THAT *** DON'T BELONG IN?
SAMUEL JACKSON. SAMUEL JACKSON.
THEY PUT THIS *** IN MOVIES THAT *** DON'T BELONG IN.
I SWEAR TO GOD, I WATCHED A MOVIE OF THE WEEK,
"THE VIKINGS."
NOW, YOU KNOW THERE WERE NO *** VIKINGS.
THIS ***'S SITTING UP ON THE BOAT WITH A BLOND WIG ON.
I WAS THROUGH.
IF IT HAD BEEN SLAVERY,
YOU COULD HAVE SOLD ME FOR A PENNY.
I SAID...
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, WASN'T HE IN "STAR WARS"? WHAT WAS HE IN?
WHAT WAS HE IN?
"STAR WARS."
I LOVED THAT MOVIE, THOUGH,
'CAUSE THEY HAD TO CALL THAT BLACK MAN "MASTER."
"MASTER." I SAID, "OOH, I LIKE THIS ***."
BUT HE WAS TOO DARK FOR THE DARK SIDE.
THEY KILLED THAT ***, DIDN'T THEY?
TOO DARK FOR THE DARK SIDE.
THEY SAID, "IT'S ALL RIGHT, ***.
"WE'LL BRING YOU BACK WHEN WE DO THE SEQUEL.
WHEN WE DO 'TAR WARS,' WE'LL BRING YOU BACK, ***."
MMM.
IT'S THE *** END.
IT IS. BUT I WANT YOU *** TO KNOW YOUR HISTORY.
YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW YOUR HISTORY,
AND YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHO WE ARE.
YOU HAVE TO KNOW.
SEE, IT CAME ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL, "THE REAL EVE."
IF YOU MISSED IT, IT WON'T BE RERUNNING.
THEY DNA'd EVERY RACE ON THIS PLANET.
IT'S NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. IT'S WHAT THE WHITE FOLKS DID.
AND THAT WHITE MAN THAT INVENTED DNA --
HE'S DEAD SOMEWHERE IN THE DESERT.
'CAUSE DNA WAS SUPPOSED TO PUT *** IN JAIL,
NOT RELEASE THEM.
THERE ARE MANY *** SIT HOME BECAUSE OF DNA.
THEY KILLED THAT WHITE MAN.
THEY BEAT HIS *** AND LEFT HIM IN THE DESERT.
"YEAH, INVENT THIS."
BUT ANYWAY, NO, THEY DNA'd,
AND THEY TRACED IT BACK TO ONE BLACK WOMAN IN AFRICA.
SHE IS THE MOTHER OF CIVILIZATION.
UNLESS YOU ARE FRANKENSTEIN OR A CLONE,
SHE'S YOUR *** MAMA.
THEY DID A WHOLE THING. THEY TRACED ALL OF IT.
WHITE PEOPLE COME FROM US.
IT TOOK *** 25,000 YEARS TO TURN WHITE.
SO WHITE PEOPLE HAD TO GO -- THEY HAD TO COME HOME.
THEY HAD TO GO TO AFRICA.
THEY ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN HATING THEMSELVES ALL THIS TIME...
'CAUSE, SEE, NOBODY HATES LIKE FAMILY.
THERE'S NOT A PERSON IN THIS ROOM -- I DON'T CARE --
WHITE OR BLACK, THAT DON'T HAVE *** BLOOD BECAUSE OF SLAVERY.
IT'S THE TRUTH. IT'S BECAUSE OF *** SLAVERY.
IT'S THE WAY IT IS.
PEOPLE -- "OH, NO, WE WOULD NEVER."
AND WHO WAS THAT -- JEFFERSON --
TRYING TO MAKE IT LIKE IT WAS JUST HIM?
WHAT WAS HIS LITTLE MISTRESS' NAME HAD ALL THE BABIES?
SHE WAS HALF-SISTER TO HIS WIFE.
SOME "JERRY SPRINGER" ***.
PEOPLE HATE TO HEAR THAT REALITY.
"REALLY? WAS SHE?"
YEAH, REALITY'S A ***. IT'S A ***.
SEE, *** WAKE-UP CALLS HAVE BEEN --
OPRAH GOT HER *** WAKE-UP CALL.
DID YOU SEE OPRAH IN HER SPECIAL --
ALL THE MONEY AND *** -- DID YOU SEE IT?
HER PARTY -- DID YOU SEE THAT ***?
I WISH I WAS INVITED.
I'D HAVE ROBBED THAT ***.
OPRAH -- DIAMONDS AND ALL THAT ***.
I'D HAVE PULLED A GUN OUT.
"YEAH, ***, GIVE ME ALL THEM *** DIAMONDS."
NO, BUT I LOVE OPRAH. I'M HER BIGGEST FAN.
OPRAH GOT HER *** WAKE-UP CALL.
ALL THAT MONEY, ALL THAT FAME --
THEY WOULDN'T LET HER IN THAT STORE IN EUROPE.
AND THEY DID IT IN NEW YORK.
THAT'S TWICE THAT'S HAPPENED TO OPRAH.
BUT I BLAME OPRAH FOR THAT.
WHEN THAT *** DON'T HAVE ON MAKEUP,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THAT *** IS.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THAT --
I WOULDN'T LET OPRAH IN MY BACKYARD WITHOUT MAKEUP.
WHO IS THAT LITTLE PICKANINNY TRYING TO GET IN MY BACKYARD?
SHOO, FLY, SHOO!
BUT WHEN SHE PUT ON THAT MAKEUP AND WHIP THAT HAIR --
"OPRAH, DARLING, COME ON IN!"
BUT I LOVE OPRAH. I LOVE OPRAH.
I'M HER BIGGEST FAN BECAUSE SHE TRICKED WHITE PEOPLE.
OPRAH TRICKED THEM.
OPRAH CAME OUT --
AUNT JEMIMA WITH A DEGREE AND, LORD HAVE MERCY,
AND BIG AND FAT AND BLACK AND CRYING AND "CHILD."
THEY GAVE HER A BILLION DOLLARS,
AND SHE TURNED INTO DOROTHY DANDRIDGE
RIGHT BEFORE THEIR EYES.
SHE'S A SKINNY, PRETTY THING NOW.
OPRAH SAID, "YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD A COLORED GIRL.
"NO, YOU HAVE A COVER GIRL.
I WILL BE ON THE COVER OF MAGAZINES."
OPRAH -- SEE HOW QUIET WHITE FOLKS ARE?
"YOU'RE RIGHT, ***. SHE TRICKED US."
IT'S SAINT OPRAH NOW! IT'S SAINT OPRAH.
THEY'RE COMPARING HER WITH MOTHER TERESA --
IT'S SAINT OPRAH.
I DON'T SWEAR TO GOD NO MORE.
I JUST GO, "I DIDN'T DO IT, I SWEAR TO OPRAH."
OPRAH IS THE *** BEST...
BESIDES THAT CONDOLEEZZA.
CONDOLEEZZA -- BROWN RICE AND BEANS.
THE MOST POWERFUL BLACK WOMAN IN THE WORLD --
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
CONDOLEEZZA.
AND IF OPRAH EVER MEET HER,
SHE'LL KNOCK THE *** OUT OF THAT ***!
THAT'S OPRAH'S JOB.
THAT'S WHY -- MY WHITE WOMAN, WHO I LOVE --
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. AIN'T NO SHAME IN MY GAME.
I LOVE HER. THAT'S THAT HILLARY.
I LOVE THAT HILLARY.
NO, NO. I LOVE HILLARY.
HILLARY TALKS SOME WILD ***, AND SHE BACKS IT UP.
I'M GONNA TAKE YOU BACK.
THAT ELECTION -- ALL THAT *** WITH BUSH --
SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT SPOKE UP.
"WE SHOULD INVESTIGATE -- THE CONGRESS.
IT'S NOT RIGHT." SHE TALKED UP.
A MONTH AGO, THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID --
"THIS ADMINISTRATION'S BEING RUN LIKE A PLANTATION."
I'M FROM THE SOUTH. I KNEW WHAT THE *** SHE MEANT.
AND THE ONLY PERSON THAT GOT REAL MAD WAS WHO?
MRS. BUSH.
SHE TALKED *** ABOUT HILLARY, 'CAUSE SHE KNEW WHAT SHE MEANT.
WHAT DOES THE WHITE MAN DO ON THE PLANTATION?
HE *** THE BLACK WOMEN.
AND THAT'S EXACT--
[ LAUGHS ]
AND THAT'S WHAT SHE MEANT.
OH, YEAH. OH, THEY'RE ***.
OH, THEY'RE ***.
AND THE ***'S REAL GOOD.
THE ***'S GOOD. THE ***'S VERY ARTICULATE.
THE HAIRDO'S *** UP, BUT THE ***'S GOOD.
THE *** IS REAL GOOD.
GET HIM, CONDOLEEZZA!
NO, NO. GET 'EM. I LOVE IT -- GONE.
THAT [LAUGHS]
THAT BUSH IS TOO MUCH WITH HIS LITTLE BLACK GIRLFRIEND.
THEY ALL GOT BLACK GIRLFRIENDS.
THEY HATE ROBERT DE NIRO.
HE MARRIES A BLACK WOMAN EVERY 15 MINUTES.
ONLY THING A WHITE WOMAN COULD DO FOR HIM
IS SHOW HIM WHERE A BLACK WOMAN LIVES.
IF YOU SEE ROBERT DE NIRO WITH A WHITE WOMAN,
HE'S HOLDING HER FOR THE POLICE.
HE LIKE THEM, DON'T HE?
IT'S TOO *** FUNNY.
WHAT'S THE LITTLE MODEL --
THE LITTLE RUNWAY MODEL THAT BEATS UP THE MAIDS AND ***?
THIS *** -- THIS ***...
I'D LIKE TO HEAR THIS --
I'D LIKE TO HEAR HER INTERVIEW HER HELP.
"CAN YOU TAKE A PUNCH?"
[ LAUGHS ]
NO, NAOMI'S COLD, BE KICKING YOUR ***
AND LOOKING SO GOOD -- SHE'S A RUNWAY MODEL.
YOU CAN BEAT MY ***, BUT, ***, YOU HAVE TO LOOK THIS GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
OH, THAT WAS TOO CRAZY.
I WENT TO THE AIRPORT, AND THEY WENT,
"WE'RE ON ORANGE ALERT. WE'RE ON ORANGE ALERT."
I SAID, "GOOD.
I'M ON WHITE ALERT, AND I'M NOT GETTING OFF IT."
I'M WATCHING WHITE FOLKS.
WHITE FOLKS TOLD ME I COULDN'T EAT AT DENNY'S.
THAT A ***? TELLING A *** WHERE TO EAT.
IF YOU DON'T WANT *** TO EAT AT DENNY'S,
STOP SOLICITING. WHY ARE THEY SOLICITING US?
1,000 PANCAKES, 1,500 PIECES OF BACON...
FOR 99 CENTS.
YOU DON'T WANT *** TO EAT, THEN WHY YOU...?
FREE CORNBREAD ON TUESDAY.
"SOUL TRAIN" TICKETS ON THURSDAY.
WHY YOU *** WITH ***
IF YOU DON'T WANT *** TO COME THERE?
SERVE SOME *** COTTAGE CHEESE.
WHEN DENNY'S GOT IN TROUBLE ABOUT NOT SERVING BLACKS,
THEY SAID, "OH, NOT CALIFORNIA."
AND THIS IS THE FIRST PLACE THEY SHOULD HAVE CHECKED.
THREE RIOTS THEY'VE HAD HERE, AND THEY'VE ALL BEEN WHAT?
RACE. IT'S ALL GAME.
THEY DON'T KNOW US THE WAY WE KNOW THEM.
TURN THE *** HEAT OFF. *** DON'T LIKE THE COLD.
YOU WON'T HAVE A *** WITHIN A MILE OF DENNY'S.
IF WHITE FOLKS WOULD HAVE KNEW US THE WAY WE KNEW THEM,
WHEN WE WERE INTEGRATING THOSE SCHOOLS,
ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS TURN THE HEAT OFF.
*** MARTIN LUTHER KING.
I AIN'T GOING TO THAT COLD-*** SCHOOL.
YOU FIND FROZEN WHITE FOLKS ALL DAY LONG.
THEY'RE ALWAYS RUNNING UP TO THE MOUNTAINS.
YOU AIN'T GONNA FIND A FROZEN *** NOWHERE ON THIS PLANET.
IF A *** DROP DEAD, PUT A BLANKET OVER HIM.
DON'T PUT HIM IN THE FREEZER. HE'LL GET UP AND RUN.
WE DON'T LIKE NO *** COLD.
OH, IT'S THE TRUTH. IT'S THE *** TRUTH.
*** IT. IT'S THE TRUTH.
I'M NOT -- MIDDLE EAST AND ALL THIS OLD ***,
IT'S ALL ***.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF THEM.
I'M AFRAID OF THE *** CHINESE.
THAT'S WHO I'M SCARED OF.
THEY'RE LIKE ROACHES. TOO MANY OF THEM ***.
AND THERE'S A CHINATOWN IN EVERY STATE IN AMERICA.
HALF THEIR ARMY'S ALREADY HERE.
DON'T START NO ***, THERE WON'T BE NONE.
AND WE WON'T BE ROUNDING THEM UP
THE WAY WE DID THE LITTLE JAPANESE, PUT THEM IN CAMPS.
THEM LITTLE BRUCE LEE *** CAN FIGHT.
AND THEY KILLED BRUCE LEE
'CAUSE HE TOLD THE CHINESE SECRETS TO WHITE FOLKS.
YOU TELL THEIR SECRETS, THEY GET YOU.
AND THEN HIS SON, BRANDON LEE, THEY KILLED HIM.
FAKE GUN, TALKING ABOUT A REAL BULLET --
THAT DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
HERE'S A BLANK GUN AND IT'S A REAL BULLET IN IT.
THAT'S A HIT.
THEY KILLED BRANDON LEE, THEY KILLED BRUCE LEE,
BUT THEY BETTER NOT *** WITH SARA LEE.
THEY BETTER NOT *** WITH THAT ***.
THEY KILL SARA LEE,
THESE BIG *** WILL TEAR AMERICA TO THE GROUND.
THEY CAN'T GET CAKES AND COOKIES AND PIES?
THESE FULL-SIZE MODELS WILL JUMP OFF THE RUNWAY ON YOUR ***.
LET IT BE ON THE NEWS SARA LEE WAS KILLED.
WHAT? SA-- WHAT?
OH, YOU *** UP NOW, ***.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, BUT IT'S THE *** TRUTH.
NO, THE CHINESE, YEAH, THEY -- I USED TO LIVE IN CHINATOWN.
I HAD TO MOVE. I HEARD --
NO, I HEARD NOISES LATE AT NIGHT.
MEOW. I SAID, "WHAT IS THAT?"
MEOW.
WOOF, WOOF, WAH, WOOF. WOOF.
THEN I WOKE UP, HEARD A BABY CRYING.
I SAID, "IF THEY COOKING BABIES, I GOT TO BOUNCE."
AND YOU WONDER WHY THAT *** IS A DOLLAR A BOWL.
NO, IT IS. [ CHUCKLES ]
EVERY BLACK PERSON, ESPECIALLY EVERY BLACK MALE,
EVERY BLACK MAN IN THIS ROOM,
WE ALL HAVE A POLICE STORY.
PAUL SPEAKS ABOUT A HISTORY
AND, YES, A DEEP-ROOTED SORT OF FEAR OF THE BLACK MAN.
WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN LITTLE POLICE STORY -- MAYBE 5, 10.
THE POLICE WEAR *** OUT. I CAN'T MAKE THIS UP --
THE QUESTIONS THEY ASK US WHEN THEY STOP US.
"ARE YOU ON PROBATION OR PAROLE?"
"I-I BEG YOUR PARDON?"
"ARE YOU ON PROBATION OR PAROLE?"
"I'VE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED."
I SAID, "THAT'S YOUR ANSWER FOR ME."
IT'S STILL HERE.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET,
YOU SEE A BLACK MAN BEHIND YOU, YOU KNOW,
"OH, THE ***'S GONNA MUG ME."
YOU KNOW, "HE'S GONNA *** ME."
I MEAN, IT'S JUST THAT RACIST, YOU KNOW --
YOU KNOW, INBRED, WHITE, YOU KNOW, PARANOIA.
IT'S PROFILING. WHAT KIND OF *** --
"DON'T BE OFFENDED. WE ASK EVERYBODY THAT."
ARE THEY CRAZY?
"DOES THE OWNER OF THE CAR KNOW YOU HAVE IT?"
"I BEG YOUR PARDON."
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
"I'M DRIVING TILL I RUN OUT OF GAS.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO FOLLOW ME?"
I'VE BEEN IN THE CAR WITH WHITE FRIENDS --
TRUE STORY, BEVERLY HILLS.
THEY PULL THE CAR OVER, AND THEY COME TO ME.
"CAN I SEE YOUR LICENSE?"
I'M NOT EVEN DRIVING THIS ***.
Bernhard: WHITE PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT.
WHITE PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BE REMINDED THAT THEY'RE RACIST
AND LIMITED IN THEIR THINKING,
AND IT'S TOO *** BAD BECAUSE IT'S STILL THE TRUTH,
AND IT'LL REMAIN THE TRUTH
UNTIL IT ISN'T THE TRUTH ANYMORE.
I COULD BE IN THE CAR WITH WHITE PEOPLE HOLLERING,
"HELP! HELP! THEY'RE KIDNAPPING ME!"
THE POLICE SAY, "SHUT UP, ***.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET. THAT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE."
THEN THEY'LL -- I'M IN THE CAR WITH WHITE FRIENDS --
THEY WILL STOP US AND GO TO THE WHITE PEOPLE AND GO,
"ARE YOU OKAY?"
POLICE ARE CRAZY WHEN IT COMES TO US.
THEY'RE JUST CRAZY.
AND YOU GOT TO BE DRUNK, DOUBLE-JOINTED,
AND IN THE CIRCUS TO PASS THE TEST.
BEND OVER, TOUCH THIS, WALK, FLY,
SAY YOUR ABC's IN FRENCH AND SPANISH AND GERMAN,
SAY IT BACKWARDS.
TOO MUCH.
Man: PAUL MOONEY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PAUL MOONEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Woman: PAUL MOONE-E-E-EY!
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I LIKE IT THE WAY IT IS,
SOME PEOPLE, THE WAY THEY THINK OF ME.
"OH, HE'S HOSTILE." I LIKE ALL THAT ***.
DON'T GET TOO IN LOVE WITH ME,
'CAUSE YOU GUYS, WHEN YOU LOVE FOLKS, YOU KILL THEM.
AND IF YOU GET TOO INTO THEM, THE WHITE FOLKS WILL TAKE THEM.
DON'T GET TOO INTO ME. THEY WILL. THEY TAKE THEM.
WHITE PEOPLE -- WHAT WE REALLY LIKE, THEY TAKE.
I'LL TAKE YOU BACK.
LIONEL.
WE WERE SO INTO LIONEL, WERE WE NOT?
DID THE WHITE FOLKS TAKE HIM?
THEY CALLED IT THE CROSSOVER. DIDN'T THEY TAKE HIM?
TINA. WE WERE SO INTO IKE AND TINA.
DID THEY TAKE HER? SO THEN SHE WAS A ROCK STAR.
THEY WILL TAKE, WON'T THEY? THEY DO THAT.
THEY TAKE PEOPLE. THEY TOOK MICHAEL.
THEY DO. THEY TAKE THEM. THEY TAKE PEOPLE FROM US.
THEY TOOK JAMES BROWN, BUT THEY GAVE HIM BACK.
'CAUSE HE WAS TOO CRAZY. JAMES BROWN WAS CRAZY.
DID YOU SEE HIM IN VEGAS IN THE ROBE?
THIS *** WENT CRAZY.
JAMES BROWN LOOKS LIKE AN OLD, BLACK CHINESE WOMAN.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M JUST TRYING MY BEST TO TRY TO JUST [CHUCKLES]
NO, I'M JUST TRYING TO DEAL WITH THIS ***.
I WANT TO GET BACK TO THE REAL EVE
AND TO KNOW YOUR HISTORY
'CAUSE I WANT US TO KNOW WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE'RE ABOUT.
WHY DO THE WHITE FOLKS HATE THE INDIANS SO MUCH?
THERE AIN'T BUT TWO OF THEM LEFT.
WHY DO THEY HATE THEM?
'CAUSE, REMEMBER, THERE USED TO BE --
REMEMBER, THERE USED TO BE 10 LITTLE INDIANS.
♪ ONE LITTLE, TWO LITTLE, TWO LITTLE, ONE LITTLE ♪
YOU CAN'T COUNT TO 10 NOW.
I KNOW YOU SAW THE ANTI-INDIAN COMMERCIALS HERE.
THIS IS THE WHITE FOLKS.
THEN THEY HAD ***, EVERYBODY ELSE DOING IT, TOO.
"THE INDIANS...
"THEY MADE OVER $180 MILLION THIS YEAR.
"THEY'RE NOT PAYING TAXES.
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR THAT."
THEY SHOWED THIS *** EVERY 15 *** MINUTES.
YOU SEE IT?
AND I SAID, "WHY DON'T THEY LET THE INDIANS
MAKE THEIR COMMERCIAL?"
"THE WHITE FOLKS STOLE OUR LAND.
"THEY'RE NOT PAYING RENT.
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR THAT."
SHOW THAT EVERY 15 *** MINUTES.
SHOW THAT EVERY 15 *** MINUTES.
SHOW THAT.
THEY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
[ CHUCKLING ]
MY INDIAN FRIENDS TOLD ME,
"DON'T SIGN NOTHING TILL YOU TALK TO US."
'CAUSE I'M FROM LOUISIANA.
I WENT TO THE RESERVATIONS TO TELL THE INDIANS.
THEY SAID, "WELL, WE TRIED TO TELL YOU."
THAT LOUISIANA *** WAS DEEP, WASN'T IT?
WE WON'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN.
AMERICA OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF ITSELF.
AND *** WENT CRAZY. *** WENT CRAZY.
I SAW *** STEALING FLAT TVs UNDERWATER.
AQUA ***.
***, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A FLAT TV?
YOU HAVE NOWHERE TO PLUG IT IN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S *** CRAZY.
THAT'S WHY YOU KNOW IT'S THE END OF THE *** WORLD.
THE *** IS SICK.
A WHITE MAN WALKING ON THE BEACH FINDS A MAGIC LAMP,
RUBS IT, A GENIE POPS OUT.
"LOOK, I'VE BEEN IN THERE 300 YEARS.
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY TALK. YOU GOT THREE WISHES.
JUST THINK IT, IT'LL HAPPEN."
BIG MANSION.
NAKED WOMEN RUNNING ALL OVER THE MANSION.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
THREE KU KLUX *** DRESSED IN ROBES
TAKE THE MAN OUT AND LYNCH HIM.
NEXT DAY THE GENIE'S AT STARBUCKS.
THAT'S WHERE THEY ALL GO TO HAVE THEIR COFFEE.
"I TOLD YOU.
"I WAS GONE FOR 300 YEARS. NOTHING'S CHANGED.
"THEY ALL WANT MANSIONS. THEY STILL WANT MANSIONS.
"THEY ALL STILL WANT NAKED WOMEN.
"BUT THE THIRD WISH WAS VERY CONFUSING.
WHY WOULD HE WANT TO BE HUNG LIKE A ***?"
BLACK WOMAN'S WALKING ON THE BEACH,
FINDS A MAGIC LAMP, RUBS IT, THE GENIE POPS OUT.
"YOU'VE GOT TWO WISHES."
"TWO? WHAT HAPPENED TO THREE?"
"YOU'RE A ***. YOU ONLY GET TWO.
WHAT'S YOUR FIRST WISH, MA'AM?"
SHE SAID, "I WANT YOU TO BUILD A BRIDGE
"FROM LOS ANGELES TO AFRICA
"SO WHEN WHITE FOLKS GET ON ***' NERVES,
WE CAN WALK HOME."
HE SAID, "MA'AM, I'M A GENIE, I'M NOT GOD.
WHAT IS YOUR SECOND WISH?"
"MY SECOND WISH IS I WANT YOU TO MAKE WHITE PEOPLE
AND BLACK PEOPLE HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS IN AMERICA."
"HOW DO YOU WANT THAT BRIDGE -- OUT OF CEMENT OR WOOD?"
A *** IS RUNNING AND TALKING TO GOD.
"GOD, WHY ARE MY LEGS SO SKINNY?"
HE SAID, "***, I GAVE YOU SKINNY LEGS
"SO YOU COULD RUN FAST THROUGH THE JUNGLE
AND NOTHING COULD CATCH YOU."
[ CHUCKLING ]
"GOD...
WHY DID YOU MAKE MY HAIR SO ***?"
"I MADE YOU HAVE *** HAIR, ***,
"'CAUSE IN THE JUNGLE YOU CAN'T GET TANGLED UP
IN THOSE BRANCHES."
HE SAID, "GOD, WHY'D YOU MAKE ME SO BLACK?"
"I MADE YOU BLACK SO WHEN YOU RAN AT NIGHT,
NOBODY COULD SEE YOU."
"GOD, WHY DID YOU MAKE MY NOSE SO WIDE?"
"SO YOU COULD BREATHE THIS JUNGLE AIR."
"GOD, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?" "WHAT IS IT, ***?"
[ LAUGHS ]
"WHAT AM I DOING IN THE JOINT?"
[ LAUGHS ]
A PRIEST IS DRIVING DOWN THE STREET
AND SEES A BIG CATHOLIC CHURCH,
SAID "THE SISTER MARY MAGDALEN HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION."
HE SAID, "MY KIND OF NUNS."
BEAUTIFUL NUN.
HE SAID, "CAN I GET *** HERE?"
THE NUN SAID, "YES, FOR $250. WHERE'S YOUR MONEY?"
[ LAUGHS ]
"GO KNOCK ON THAT DOOR."
A PRETTIER NUN. "CAN I GET ***?"
SHE SAID, "YES, YOU CAN *** AND SUCK ALL OF IT.
"WHERE'S YOUR MONEY? SHOW ME.
GO KNOCK ON THAT DOOR."
A BLACK NUN, DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS.
HE SAID, "GOD, CHOCOLATE. I LOVE CHOCOLATE.
CAN I GET ***?" "YES, GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.
GO TO THAT DOOR. OPEN THAT DOOR."
HE OPENED THE DOOR, HE'S OUTSIDE.
AND THERE'S A BIG SIGN --
"YOU'VE JUST BEEN ***
BY THE SISTER MARY MAGDALEN HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION."
A CRAZY *** ESCAPES FROM AN ASYLUM...
THAT'S ALREADY FUNNY.
[ LAUGHS ]
...NAKED WITH A 12-INCH *** GONE HARD.
HE GOES TO WHERE THE NUNS LIVE.
MOTHER TERESA'S TAKING HER MIDNIGHT WALK
WITH THE TWO NUNS PROTECTING HER.
THEY SEE THIS NAKED ***, THIS BIG ***.
THE NUNS RUN IN THE KITCHEN, GET BUTCHER KNIVES,
THEY GET SIDE BY SIDE WITH MOTHER TERESA,
AND THEY GO, "MOTHER TERESA,
WHERE YOU WANT US TO START CUTTING?!"
MOTHER TERESA SAYS, "HERE AND HERE."
A MAN WHO HAPPENED TO BE A JEW WON THE LOTTERY --
MILLIONS, AND HIS WHOLE FAMILY WAS IN ON IT.
HE GAVE A BIG PARTY,
AND HE WAS GIVING HIS UNCLE A HALF A MILLION,
THIS ONE A MILLION --
YOU KNOW, SHARING -- THEY SAID, "GOOD JEW BOY --
GOOD, GOOD, YOU'RE GOOD."
AND THEN HE GAVE THE NAZI PARTY $500 MILLION.
THEY GOT SO PISSED.
THEY SAID, "YOU TURNCOAT LITTLE ***."
AND THEY WAS LEAVING THE HOUSE.
HE SAID, "COME BACK, COME BACK. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THEY GAVE ME THE NUMBER."
OH, IT'S HORRIBLE, BUT *** YOU. IT'S FUNNY.
IF IT'S FUNNY, IT'S FUNNY. *** YOU.
WE'VE ALL SAT AND WATCHED PAUL WITH OUR JAWS DROPPED
AT THE ABSOLUTE COURAGE AND UNCOMPROMISING BRILLIANCE.
EVERYBODY'S GOT TO BE SO *** TOUCHY.
IF IT'S *** FUNNY, *** YOU. IT'S FUNNY.
[ LAUGHS ]
I JUST WANT TO BRING YOU BACK TO REALITY...
'CAUSE YOU'RE PROBABLY ALL SCIENTOLOGISTS, ANYWAY.
[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]
NO, THAT'S REAL. THAT'S HOLLYWOOD. THAT'S IT.
YOU *** -- AND WHAT'S HIS NAME?
HE AIN'T EVEN DEAD. HE'S OUT THERE ON HIS YACHT...
THAT HUBBARD OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS.
NO, IT'S THE TRUTH. I'M SORRY.
YEAH, AND I JUST FOUND OUT -- I'M NAIVE.
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS *** SCIENTOLOGY.
I THOUGHT IT WAS WHITE FOLKS THAT WERE BORED AND HAD MONEY.
*** ARE SCIENTOLOGISTS, BROTHER.
ISAAC HAYES, FOREST WHITAKER. THAT *** FREAKED ME OUT.
***?
'CAUSE THEY BELIEVE IN SOMETHING CALLED "THETA."
THEY'RE WAITING ON SOME SPACESHIP.
THE SLAVE SHIP'S GONNA GET THEM ***.
BUT I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW WEIRD IT IS, AND I DON'T CARE.
PROBABLY HALF OF YOU ARE, ANYWAY,
BECAUSE YOU HEAR COMICS --
I'M THE ONLY ONE BOLD ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT THEM,
BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE THE GESTAPO -- COULD BE ANYBODY.
YOU HEAR COMICS TALK ABOUT JEWS,
THEY TALK ABOUT JEHOVAH WITNESSES,
THEY MAKE ALL THE JOKES. YOU SEE TV.
THEY NEVER GET INTO THAT
'CAUSE THAT "SOUTH PARK" TRIED TO GET INTO IT AND ISAAC QUIT,
AND THE OTHER LITTLE BOY RUNNING AROUND, HE GOT MAD.
THEY GET -- YEAH.
WHAT'S HIS NAME? THEY GET MAD. THEY TRY TO GET MAD.
AND I WAS GOING DOWN SUNSET, I ALMOST HAD AN ACCIDENT.
I SAW A STREET. IT SAID,
"RON HUBBARD STREET" OR SOMETHING.
I SAID, "WAIT A MINUTE. I PAY TAXES.
THIS IS A PUBLIC STREET. HOW THE *** THIS GET UP HERE?"
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
NO, YOU KNOW WHY IT PISSED ME OFF?
THEY GAVE US HELL ABOUT THE MARTIN LUTHER KING BOULEVARD.
THESE *** GAVE US HELL,
AND WE HAD TO RAISE THE MONEY TO DO IT.
THEY GAVE US HELL.
WHITE FOLKS DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO WHEN THEY WANT TO DO IT.
I WENT OUT THAT *** ORANGE COUNTY AIRPORT.
I FLEW OUT.
WHEN I FLEW BACK THE NEXT NIGHT, IT WAS THE JOHN WAYNE AIRPORT.
I THOUGHT I WAS LOST.
THEY BECOME HELPLESS WHEN THEY WANT TO BECOME HELPLESS.
"OH, THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO."
THEY KNOW HOW TO -- AND I HATE TO GET ON PEOPLES' CASE.
I MEAN, YOU WANT TO DO IT,
THAT'S YOUR CHOICE. YOU'RE IN AMERICA.
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. I DON'T GIVE A ***.
BUT I'M JUST GIVING THE REALITY OF IT.
THIS IS AMERICA.
THIS IS NOT IRAN OR SOME *** OTHER PLACE.
EVERYBODY'S SO SCARED, DON'T WANT TO SAY THAT.
I DON'T GIVE A *** IF THE WHOLE ROOM IS FULL OF SCI--
I'M TALKING ABOUT THIS ***.
THE *** IS WILD, THE *** IS CRAZY.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHY.
WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
THAT *** 10 COMMANDMENTS KNOWS MAN.
IT TAKES HIS FOOT AND GETS IN MAN'S ***.
THOU SHALL NOT KILL, COVET, *** YOUR NEIGHBOR'S WIFE,
DON'T STEAL --
NO, IT PUTS ITS FOOT IN MAN'S ***, AND MAN GOES,
"WAIT A MINUTE. THIS IS TOO TIGHT.
I GOT TO GET WITH SOME OTHER *** SO I CAN BE ME."
IT'S THE TRUTH.
AND THAT'S WHY THEY WANT TO GET
WITH BUDDHA, "HUDDHA," "DUDDHA" --
ALL OTHER KIND OF ***.
THIS *** AIN'T 100 YEARS OLD.
WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IN JESUS OR NOT,
THAT *** IS 2,000 YEARS OLD.
LOOK, A NEW BROOM CAN SWEEP THE FLOOR,
BUT AN OLD BROOM KNOWS WHERE THE DIRT IS.
ALWAYS KNOW THAT.
AND I GOT THAT FROM MY *** GRANDMOTHER,
AND SHE'S DEAD AND GONE, BUT SHE NEVER WENT TO SCHOOL.
SHE'S SMARTER THAN 10 PEOPLE IN THIS *** ROOM.
SHE KNEW ALL THE ***.
BIRDS FLY HIGH,
BUT THEY GOT TO COME TO THE GROUND TO GET SOME WATER.
ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE,
BUT REMEMBER WHAT THEY HAVE TO PUT ON THAT GRASS
TO KEEP IT GREEN.
THE DOG THAT'LL BRING A BONE WILL TAKE ONE.
FEMALES IN MY FAMILY, THEY GO,
GONE THREE OR FOUR DAYS, COME BACK BROKE.
SHE'D GO OFF.
SHE SAID, "YOU RETARDED-*** ***.
"YOU LEAVE HERE. YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY?
"YOU COME BACK HERE, YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR FOUR DAYS?
"ARE YOU STUPID?
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT A WET *** AND A DRY PURSE DON'T MATCH?"
AND IT'S SOME DRY PURSES UP IN THIS ***.
THAT'S WHY YOU AIN'T GONNA TALK.
OH, EHHHHH.
AND THIS IS NOT A SAMMY DAVIS CLEANUP.
AND I MEAN THIS FROM MY HEART. I'M GLAD YOU GUYS CAME.
I'M NOT STUPID.
I KNOW THAT WE'RE ALL UNDER THE SAME UMBRELLA.
BECAUSE I GO OUTSIDE, AND I SEE THAT MOON.
THAT MOON -- YOU MIGHT WANT -- WE ALL HAVE OUR CHOICES --
THREE GREEN ONES, FIVE RED ONES. YOU AIN'T GETTING BUT ONE.
AND IT'S THE MOON THAT'S IN CHINA, AFRICA,
AND EVERYWHERE ELSE, OKAY?
AND SO IS THE SUN.
WE'RE ALL UNDER THE SAME UMBRELLA.
AND ALL THIS OLD *** ABOUT ALIENS
IS WHITE FOLKS' CRAZY ***.
ALIENS AND SPACESHIPS, AND ONE LANDED, AND WE CAUGHT IT.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR *** MIND?
SOMETHING COMES FROM BILLIONS OF YEARS AWAY,
AND THEN IT RUNS OUT OF GAS WHEN IT GETS HERE, AND IT CRASHES.
*** CRASHES WHEN IT LEAVES.
WHEN WE HAVE SPACESHIPS THAT LEAVE HERE,
THEY GO UP AND COME DOWN WHILE THEY'RE HERE.
AND WHEN THEY GO OUT THERE AND GO, THEY COME RIGHT BACK.
IT'S ALL ***. ALL THAT *** IS WEAK.
AND ALL THAT STUFF -- "OH, UH, I GOT ABDUCTED.
THEY KEPT ME FOR A WEEK, FOR TWO WEEKS."
YOU EVER BEEN IN THE WRONG NEIGHBORHOOD?
YOU GET YOUR *** WHOOPED.
IF YOU SEE A SPACESHIP, YOU GO UP THERE,
AND THE ALIENS BEAT YOUR *** AND LEAVE YOU THERE FOR BEING NOSY,
THEN I'LL BELIEVE IT.
"ALIENS BEAT MY ***
'CAUSE I WAS TRYING TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON."
BUT THAT'S SELF-IMPORTANCE.
YOU'RE SO IMPORTANT,
THEY WANT TO LOOK AT YOU AND PUT NOXEMA ON YOUR ***,
AND, YOU KNOW, I MEAN...
IT'S ***. IT'S ***.
AND THIS IS REAL. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
WHITE MEANS EVERYTHING IN AMERICA.
IF I BROUGHT A WHITE BABY UP HERE, PUT WINGS ON IT,
ALL OF YOU WILL GO, "OH, LOOK AT THE ANGEL."
IF I BROUGHT A LITTLE ***-HEAD BLACK ONE --
"OH, LOOK AT THAT BAT." EVERYTHING CHANGES.
THOSE PIGEONS IN CENTRAL PARK WE CALL RATS WITH WINGS,
LET THEM BE BORN WHITE.
"OH, LOOK AT THE DOVE. IT'S SO PRETTY."
SEE, I LIVE IN HARLEM,
AND THEY NOTICE WHERE *** LIVES -- THAT'S BLACK, OKAY?
I GOT WHITE FRIENDS.
THEY MOVED THERE 'CAUSE THEY CAN PARK,
AND THE APARTMENTS ARE BIG,
LIVE RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO ME IN HARLEM, WHERE *** LIVE,
AND I TRY TO MAKE THEM SAY IT EVERY DAY.
"NOW, WHERE DO YOU LIVE?" HE GO, "IN HARLEM."
"WHERE? LIVE NEXT DOOR TO ME?"
HE SAID, "I DON'T LIVE IN HARLEM."
"WELL, WHERE THE HELL YOU LIVE?"
"NORTH MANHATTAN."
"NORTH MANHATTAN?!" WHITE CHANGED OVERNIGHT.
"HARLEM HEIGHTS." "HARLEM HEIGHTS?!"
I SAID, "WHAT'S THEM ROACHES RIGHT THERE?"
"OH, NO, THOSE ARE WATER BUGS."
"WATER BUGS?!"
WHITE JUST CHANGING ***.
I SAID [LAUGHS]
I SAID, "WHAT'S THAT BIG-*** RAT SITTING UP THERE?"
'CAUSE YOU KNOW THEM NEW YORK RATS ARE LIKE PUPPIES.
THEY NEED A LICENSE. THEY'RE BIG.
AND THEY AIN'T SCARED OF ***.
AND THEY'RE NINJA. THEY CAN CLIMB, TOO.
HE SAID, "OH, NO. THAT'S NOT -- THAT'S NOT A RAT.
THAT'S A BUNNY RA--" "A BUNNY RABBIT?!"
'CAUSE YOU DONE PUT RIBBONS ON IT.
I SAW A NEW YORK RAT TAKE FOOD FROM A HORSE IN CENTRAL PARK.
THE HORSE SHOOK FOR 10 MINUTES. JUST...
I CAN'T MAKE THIS *** UP.
NINJA RATS. THEY CAN CLIMB.
I'M STANDING IN MANHATTAN AT THE HILTON.
I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP.
I'M ON THE 36th FLOOR IN A SUITE,
AND THE RAT IS LOOKING IN THE WINDOW.
I SAID, "HOW IN THE *** DID THE RAT GET UP HERE?"
AND THE RAT LOOKING AT ME.
"HOW THIS *** GET IN THIS SUITE?"
I'M CALLING THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT,
AND THE RAT'S CALLING THE POLICE.
"THERE'S A *** UP HERE STEALING.
GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW!"
LISTEN.
I WANT TO THANK YOU GUYS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
I MEAN, I'M SERIOUS. I WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND GOOD NIGHT.
IT'S BEEN VERY NICE OF YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU.
WE'RE ALL BORN ENTERTAINERS. YOU KNOW THAT.
FLIP WILSON -- TRUE STORY -- WAS HITCHHIKING.
AND THE WHITE MAN GAVE HIM A RIDE AND SAID,
"WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?"
AND FLIP SAID, "I'M AN ENTERTAINER."
HE SAID, "BUT AREN'T YOU ALL?"
THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com
CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY IMAGE ENTERTAINMENT, INC.