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They were gutted when the Mega Drive stole all the sales,
but they couldn't give the public the filth they wanted.
Since the introduction of Mature ratings,
Nintendo have had the perfect excuse
to let third party developers
peddle the muck we gamers demand.
Here's a few of the classics Mature gems
that float on the brown ocean of Yoga Trainers,
Pedometers and Tennis Simulators.
Come on!
Conker's Bad Fur Day on the N64.
(Singing: "I am the great, mighty stool,
and I'm going to throw my *** at you.")
The first thing everyone mentions
is the opera-singing mountain of faeces
that you wipe to death with a bunch of toilet rolls.
(Singing: "How 'bout some scat you little ***?")
Sorted. Remember when Nintendo took
And after a heavy night out,
I can empathise with everyone in that situation.
But it's not all about the levels
where you get drunk and urinate onto enemies
- Conker was such a complete parody of
Rare's own 3D platforming genre,
that it's amazing that anyone's bothered
to make another one since.
Resident Evil 4 on the Game Cube.
There are dozens of well-considered essays
on why Resident Evil 4
changed the face of gaming so completely,
that 7 gamers in the town of Rochester, Kent
spontaneously combusted. From what police
believe to be: total excitement.
Dogs get a rough time in Resi -
if their guts aren't slipping through their ribs,
their heads are splitting open
and they're wrapping the flaps around your neck.
Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! ...Great.
Seriously thanks a lot.
No one thought to tell me that was gonna happen.
Just thought "Blow up the dogs.
you won't have a problem."
I'm seriously pissed off actually.
Manhunt 2 on the Wii.
Rockstar must be sat there, wondering why
the Mail on Sunday didn't launch a
campaign against their serial killer title.
Ironically enough, it's probably Rockstar
who are most lamenting the state of the society
which can't be whipped up into a profitable frenzy
by their self-consciously shocking game.
(Sarcastically) Oooooooh.
But still, they hardly need to create NEW shocks.
People are still banging on about the fact
that you can let prostitutes like these into your car
in GTA 3. It's great.
House Of The Dead Overkill on the Wii.
"That's right."
Any game that swears this much,
and then deconstructs the modern meaninglessness
of the word "***" by getting one
villain to crawl into the gigantic, genetically mutated
foo-foo of his dearest mother
is doing something right.
Turok 2: Seeds of Evil on the N64.
The Cerebral Bore is one
of the finest weapons in any game.
Any weapon that drains the victim's cerebrospinal fluid,
and then explodes, is such a stylish
bit of total pointlessness,
that you have to doff your cap to Iguana Entertainment.
Seriously, has anyone got a cap?
Cap doffed. Well done.