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(buzzing sound)
(beep)
(clears throat)
Hello world, my name is Jimmy Bales
and I woke up in my car yesterday morning, and now crazy things are happening to me, and -
(sighs) I just need somebody to talk to
Man, what the hell is going on?
(clears throat)
Aaaaaaaaaaah
Crunchy
Survey
Hot dog
Creamy
Wooooo!
Man, that was pretty fantastic!
See how I nailed every question the boss threw my way?
She was loving it!
Awwwww
You looked like a train wreck up there
What happened buddy? Get a little stage fright? Everyone looking at you! So scary!
Probably better you let the professionals handle it, huh?
Okay. Great talk. Thanks for making me look like a stud, freak! (slaps him)
(laughter)
I used to be able to talk to my girlfriend, Beth -
About everything
Well, I guess I should say ex-girlfriend
because she broke up with me, four months ago, after five years together, and didn't give me an explanation
I wanted to call her so bad, after my horrible day at the office, but
she never answers, which is probably a good thing
because I really don't want to hear about how great her life is these days
God, that feel good
Oh, Jimmy, I'm sorry, I don't have time to listen to your pathetic little problems right now
I am relaxing on the beach with my new boyfriend (laughs)
We just had the most mind-numbing sex for the last five hours
He has a foot long ***, oh my God
He speaks four languages, and he has way more money than you
Look for our wedding invitations later this year. Ciao!
(laughter)
So, I called my roommate Steve and told him I needed to grab a drink that night
And Steve - (laughs)
He was all over it
Steve's been pushing me to get over Beth and meet some new girls anyway
I said I needed to grab a drink, not meet a new girlfriend!
(laughs) A new girlfriend?
Jimmy, we're going to a house party, okay?
There's only one thing people look for at house parties
Pickle tickle!
(laughs) That's gross!
yeah, well, you say it's gross now, until you're doing it, and loving it
I haven't even hit on a girl since my sophomore year in college
I don't even know how it works these days!
How it works?
Jimmy, it works how it always works
You man up
You approach a girl
And you let the words flow out naturally
Just be yourself
(music)
All right, just be yourself, okay?
You're a beautiful man
Here she is
Now. Go now, now, now
(in robotic voice) Hey, how's it going? Have you been here before?
What?
(clears throat)
(in robotic voice) I just wanted to talk to you
Wow (laughs)
I've heard some pretty weak game, but you take the cake
What happened?
I don't know, my voice -
Your voice? What about your voice?
Never mind. Forget it
Ok. Hey, look, meet these girls, okay?
I prayed that maybe something was caught in my throat
or that the acoustics in that house were off, or something
But - (sighs)
No such luck
Ladies!
I'm Steve, and this is my homeboy, Jimmy
We were hoping you'd come say hi
Really?
Yeah, we really love your boots
Well, thank you. I have something that makes me stand out from the crowd, you know?
What about you? What makes you stand out?
(in robotic voice) Nothing, I guess
(clears throat)
(in robotic voice) I'm just a regular -
(sighs)
What was that?
What's up with your voice?
(in robotic voice) Up with it? Nothing's up with it
(sniffing)
What's that smell?
What?
(sniffing)
Ohhh -
I know what that smell is
That's the smell of desperation
(laughing)
What the hell was that?
I don't know, I -
I don't, I don't know
Gaaaahhh!
(music)