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Byron Katie: Someone else had their hand up over here. Yes.
Woman: I have been carrying the story about my daughter. How she hasn't spoken to me for a long time,
and it seems to have become a mantra for me almost, you know: "My daughter doesn't speak to me."
And then I can't forgive myself for being alcoholic and the things I had done that I say, "Well, you know, I deserve not to be talked to."
Byron Katie: Oh, honey. Oh, my goodness. Would you like to do the Work?
Woman: Yes!
Byron Katie: OK. So, let's do that.
Woman: I would love to.
Byron Katie: So, step into my parlor.
OK, sweetheart. So, read what you've written.
Woman: "I am hurt with my daughter because she won't forgive me for all the ways I hurt her."
Byron Katie: "Your daughter won't forgive you."
Is that true? Can you absolutely know that it's true?
What is the situation? What is the moment that you were writing out of?
Woman: I was writing out of the time about five years ago when she was telling me all the ways I hurt her
and said she doesn't want me in her life anymore because she can't stand to be hurt by me anymore.
And I haven't seen my youngest grandchild and she has kept true to that. That she doesn't want me in her life.
Byron Katie: And where were you when that situation; when she was telling you that?
Woman: I was on the phone.
Byron Katie: Good. OK. So, in that moment,
"she's never going to forgive you." You're believing that.
So, let's look at it. "She's never going to forgive you."
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: Can you absolutely know that it's true: "She's never going to forgive you"?
Woman: No.
Byron Katie: How do you react; what happens when you think that thought in that moment?
Woman: I just shut down. I feel just. . . fearful.
Byron Katie: Now, where do you feel; I see your hand right there. Where do the feelings start? How do you react when you think that thought?
It's such a simple question, and it includes so much: the emotions. The feelings. Where they are.
Woman: Yeah, it does.
Byron Katie: So much of what the mind compounds, throws on top of you, is to escape those. So, we judge out.
Woman: Yeah. Exactly.
Byron Katie: "She's hurting me."
Because those feelings are so huge.
Woman: Yeah. Yep.
It's in the chest area and it's all the way into the belly area.
I feel a strong burning sensation when I have that thought, that, "She's never going to forgive me."
It's like a; it's like this wall of protection and it's just like an armor.
Byron Katie: And you shut down.
Woman: And I shut down.
Byron Katie: She's on the phone. You shut down.
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: You don't want to see her.
Woman: And I was feeling so guilty because she was right about everything she said. 0:03:33.000,0:03:39.000, Byron Katie: And you don't want to see her. What she's feeling. What she's thinking. What she's experiencing.
"She never wants to see you again." You don't want to see her.
Woman: I don't want to see her in that moment.
Byron Katie: You shut down.
Woman: I did.
Byron Katie: It's like a good thing when you do it, but not when she does it.
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: You don't want to see her. And she's telling you, "It hurt."
Woman: Yeah. I see that.
Byron Katie: "Your daughter won't forgive you. Your daughter is never going to forgive you."
On the telephone, in that moment, who would you be without the thought, "My daughter is never going to forgive me"?
Now is the opportunity to listen to what she said.
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: To take that in. To be with her. Without the thought, "My daughter is never going to forgive me."
How many think you're really following this? OK.
So, where is the pain coming from?
Woman: Believing that thought.
Byron Katie: Yeah. Yeah.
So, her daughter's not hurting her. She's being honest.
And she's telling her truth, which is why you want to be with her anyway. You want to be with this daughter.
But what you're believing about her is the cause of your suffering in that moment.
OK, sweetheart, so, "My daughter is never going to forgive me." Turn it around. "I. . ."
Woman: "I am never going to forgive me."
Byron Katie: "For shutting down."
Woman: "For shutting down in that moment and not being with her."
Byron Katie: She was giving you a hundred percent of herself.
Woman: I just couldn't hear it then.
Byron Katie: No, you were busy believing your thought. And that's not your fault.
We cannot help what we believe. We're innocent. Completely.
But there is a way to question what we believe and break the spell. It's like we're hypnotized. Asleep.
Woman: That's kind of what I really want to do today is forgive myself, really. You say that I'm innocent. . .
Byron Katie: For shutting down.
Woman: Forgive myself for shutting down.
Byron Katie: And not listening to her.
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: You tell her you want a relationship. It just wasn't true.
Woman: Yeah, it's true. I see that. Wow.
Byron Katie: You said you wanted her in your life. It just wasn't true.
Woman: That's true.
Byron Katie: And she wasn't buying it.
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: Because you shut down.
Woman: Yeah. I see that.
Byron Katie: It's not right or wrong. You were simply believing this thought.
So, can you find another turnaround? "I'm never going to. . ." "My daughter is never going to forgive me."
Woman: "I'm never going to forgive my daughter for not forgiving me"?
Byron Katie: Yes. "I'm never going to forgive my daughter for saying what I don't want to hear."
Woman: Oh. Yeah.
Byron Katie: "I think I'll punish her. I think I'll shut down."
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: I mean, we have ways of teaching our children, don't we?
There's another turnaround: "My daughter is never going to forgive me." Can you find another turnaround?
What is the opposite of, "She is never going to"?
Woman: "My daughter is going to forgive me."
Byron Katie: Yeah. For all you know, she already has.
You know what I love about this Work?
You know, it's like, in your place, "I cannot make my alcoholism right with my child. I cannot make; I cannot change her mind."
"But what I can do is I can. . ." I'll just say this simply.
For example, call her and say, "Five years ago, you were honest with me and I shut down."
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: "I can hear you today. You were right. I was unsympathetic. I was cold. It was all about me and I am sincerely sorry.
"And I would love for you to start over with me just to tell me again, in case I missed something."
And the reason I say this so confidently is I lived it.
I lived it. I had three children. I had a lot of this to take care of.
And I invited them and they believed me and it was like a procession for, like, two or three or more years of them just. . .
pointing out what was true.
And that thing would, like; and it was so precious, because I had how I react when I believe the thought,
like that thing that would start to arise like a defense. And that was my clue to listen.
So, when you're doing, "How do I react when I think that thought"? You're getting in touch with these feelings where they happen.
As they, as they, as you notice those tendencies again, it tells you where your mind is.
Not what it's thinking. You just know you're off and it's like a little temple bell that becomes so; just like you described.
It's just like a shadow that's left just a; just a portion of some structure left and it's just, "Mwah!"
You know, it's like, "Let's get that one. Let's set that ego free. . . to live out of its nature."
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: Yeah.
And if your daughter doesn't want to begin again, and be prepared to vomit, you know, because they are giving us their pasts back.
You know, those things we missed? They've got it. They're very clear.
Yeah. And I needed those pieces of that construct; this construct.
They pointed things out to me that, you know, I was in a hurry and they had the pieces and so did my ex-husband.
Oh, he was so good at pointing out what I missed.
Denial. They don't call it denial for nothing.
You can't see. You can't see it. But those people around us look for the enemies.
They can see you. They're friends. They will enlighten you. That's what daughters are for.
So, let's look at the next one.
Woman: Thank you. That I can do. I can tell her that; that turnaround.
Byron Katie: As far as you know.
Woman: Yeah, that's true.
Byron Katie: You know, really be ready, just put a little bucket close to you and just say, "Honey, hold on just a moment, I'll be right back. . ."
"OK, next." You know, and. . .
You know, it's a cleanse. It's a mental cleanse. And it can just come through your system like that. It changes everything. It changes everything.
And the physical body is a thing.
So, let's look at number two.
You know, read that whole thing again on number one.
Woman: OK. "I am hurt with my daughter because she won't forgive me for all the ways I hurt her."
Byron Katie: "You hurt your daughter." Is that true?
Woman: Gosh. She says I did, in many ways, when she was growing up.
Byron Katie: OK. Now, one thing I've learned and I'd love to pass on to you is the answer to question number one and two
is either a "yes" or "no."
That way, it will keep you in the situation and it will keep you in the answer, not the defenses, justifications, and discussions.
So, you just sit in it until you get a "yes" or a "no." And either one is OK. Just look for yours.
Woman: OK.
Byron Katie: So, "you hurt your daughter." Is it true?
Not easy, is it?
Woman: I have no idea. I can't know that it's true.
Byron Katie: So, if you come up with a "yes," just move to the next question. If you come up with a "no," just be respectful.
Let it kill you. Let it show you. Let it wake you up. Just give it room to live.
But that can only happen if it's an authentic "no."
If it's an inauthentic "no," it's just what you; it's just the "no" you want to believe. It's not yours yet.
Woman: Yeah. That's kind of where I'm at.
Byron Katie: And you can't fool you. I mean, "I think I'll do the Work and fool myself again."
You know, that is not inquiry. Inquiry is ask and wait. 0:14:49.000,0:14:56.000, So, "you hurt your daughter." How do you react?
In that moment, how do you react when you think the thought, "I hurt my daughter," when you're on the phone.
Woman: I feel guilty. I feel bad.
Um. I feel responsible. I feel like a worthless piece of ***. I feel I'm responsible for her pain.
And, yes, I do believe I hurt my daughter. That would be a "yes." The "no" was from the intellect.
Byron Katie: Yeah. Good catch. That's why it's worth sitting in, this "is it true?"
And if you miss it on the first two, it will catch you on the next one or the next one. This Work is checkmate all the way through.
Trust it. Trust you, as you sit in these questions.
So, who would you be, on that phone call, without the thought, "I hurt my daughter"?
When she is telling you, "I experienced this. I experienced this. I experienced this. It hurt me. You hurt me, Mother."
Who would you be without the thought, "I hurt my daughter"?
As you listen to that daughter you say you want connection with; a relationship with.
Woman: I would be, um; I would just have an open heart. I would probably have that bucket there.
And just really be with her and hear her.
Byron Katie: And crying together, about her life and what she has been through, which is what she was inviting you to.
Woman: That's right. Yeah.
I wasn't there.
Byron Katie: Yeah. It's like, "I'm sorry. And let's don't ever talk about it. That's how sorry I am."
Woman: I had this big defense up and I tried to listen to her, you know, the generics of it.
Byron Katie: It's called alcoholism. The alcoholic is gone. What's left is called alcoholism.
Woman: Yes. Yes.
Byron Katie: So, sweetheart, let's turn it around: "I hurt my daughter."
Woman: "I hurt. . ." 0:17:35.000,0:17:40.000 Byron Katie: In that moment, on the telephone.
Woman: "I hurt my daughter."
Byron Katie: "I hurt my daughter," turned around.
Woman: "I hurt myself."
Byron Katie: Yeah.
Woman: I hurt myself by not giving this gift to myself, which was true. The things she was saying were true. It felt like they were all true.
Byron Katie: And she's giving you this amazing banquet, and you missed it. But, in my life, it's never too late.
It's like, if my daughter doesn't come around, someone else comes to me. I can make it right there.
And that makes a better world for my daughter and my grandchildren.
To work with this one, to hear this one, is to make a better world for all of us; a more enlightened world.
A kinder world. A more understanding world.
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: We begin where we are.
Woman: I love it when you say it's not too late. I mean. . .
Byron Katie: Never too late. Never too late. You know, because here's what's going on. How can it ever be too late for that?
OK, sweetheart, so, "I hurt my daughter." Can you find another turnaround?
Woman: "My daughter; I hurt myself."
Byron Katie: What's the opposite of "I hurt"?
Woman: "I didn't hurt my daughter"?
Byron Katie: So, give me an example of how that could be true.
So, where are you with this? Example? "I didn't hurt my daughter." Anyone have an example that's really yours.
Audience member: Gave her rich experiences and compassion to share with her own children.
Byron Katie: So, say it again.
Audience member: I gave her rich experiences and compassion to share with her own children.
Byron Katie: Is your daughter alcoholic?
Woman: No.
Byron Katie: Well, thank you for that. You taught her what not to be.
I mean, if you sit in there, if you sit in these, you just; you just. . . You know, meditation. Sit in these turnarounds.
Anyone have an example for the turnaround, "I didn't hurt my daughter"?
"I helped my daughter." Which you caught very handily.
Woman: I was willing to listen to everything she said to me when she called, even though I had this internal. . .
Byron Katie: Even though you shut down?
Woman: Even though I shut down, I let her continue to talk.
Byron Katie: Even though you shut down and weren't listening and. . .
Woman: Yeah. OK. Maybe that's not good.
I didn't hang up.
Byron Katie: Well, it's not the kind of listening; yeah, "I didn't hang up." OK, so, "I didn't hurt my daughter."
Woman: I can't; it just feels like, I feel so like I did hurt her that it doesn't even open up.
Byron Katie: Well, turned around: "I helped my daughter."
Woman: "I helped my daughter."
Byron Katie: You know, for me, in that position, I wasn't ready to hear those things.
And I helped my daughter get through these next five years without being with an unenlightened mother.
In other words, a mother that just couldn't get a grip.
On her past.
Woman: That's right. OK.
I helped her. I spared her more pain that I might have inflicted by, yeah. I see how I helped her.
Yeah.
Byron Katie: Yeah. Good to see.
I mean, when you look at you, in the kind of pain that you walked up here with, that's not the mother I want for my children.
Woman: Yeah. I sort of knew that, too, in the last five years.
That I was; didn't know how to be around her without maybe hurting her more.
Byron Katie: Yeah. Yeah.
Woman: Because I would look for her to love me again, and you know that place.
Byron Katie: Yeah. Yeah. It was still all about you.
OK, So. Continue to read.
Woman: OK. We're on number three now?
Byron Katie: Number three. Well, really, number two.
Woman: I had written: "I want Robin to forgive me. I want. . ."
Byron Katie: "You want Robin to forgive you." Is that true?
Oh, that's such a wonderful question: "Is it true?"
Woman: Uh, no, that's not true.
Byron Katie: You know, so, consider it. I mean, really consider this question. That person you want to forgive you in your life; are you sure?
I mean, some of our identities are totally built around these things.
"I want my daughter to forgive me."
Woman: Without me doing the Work. Without me, just to have it look nice, like she forgave me.
And she's really giving me a gift by not having forgiven me.
Byron Katie: So, "You want your daughter to forgive you." Is it true? 0:23:44.000. 0:23:50.000 Can you forgive someone when you can't?
It's not even possible, is it?
So, notice how you react when you think that thought and she doesn't want to be with you.
"I want her to forgive me." How do you react when you think that thought?
Woman: Just that real constriction again in my chest. A tightening and thinking that she should be different and it's painful.
Byron Katie: And who would you be without the thought, "I want my daughter to forgive me"?
On that phone call?
Woman: I would be there listening to her. I would be available.
Byron Katie: That would be all about you. It would not be all about you.
Woman: Right.
Byron Katie: You know, she's pouring her heart out to you, when, "Stop, excuse me. I want you to forgive me. This is about me, not you."
Woman: Yeah. That's what she said. She was right.
Byron Katie: "I want my daughter to forgive me." Turn it around. Turn it around to the self.
Woman: "I want me to forgive me." 0:24:57.000 0:25:01.000 Byron Katie: Yes. You've had a hard time with that."
Woman: Yeah. Very hard.
Byron Katie: Very difficult. But you expect your daughter to do it.
And then we're disappointed in them when they don't.
So, you forgive you and then you go teach your daughter.
My daughter is still waiting. You know, that's not true. I'll have to ask her.
Woman: OK. I have to forgive me, and I'm still stuck on that.
Byron Katie: Well, the way I forgave me is I did the Work. And it just kept showing me, showing me, showing me.
Until finally there was nothing to forgive.
You know, my definition of forgiveness: seeing that what I thought happened didn't.
Woman: Mmm. Yeah.
Byron Katie: Anything less than that is, "I forgive you, but we both still know what you did. But I forgive you."
Woman: Yeah. Yeah.
Byron Katie: So, um, what we're seeing; you know, what I thought happened didn't, we can just see.
We just witness this unfold. It was all about you and your thinking.
So, nothing your daughter said or did, but what you were thinking and believing about what she was saying and doing;
that was the cause of your. . .
And that's the cause of your suffering and it will always be and that will never change and that you can count on.
That's a hundred percent. No one can hurt me. That's my job. That's how it works.
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: So, "I want my daughter to forgive me." Can you find another turnaround?
Try, "I don't."
Woman: Oh. "I don't want my daughter to forgive me."
Byron Katie: So, if you really love your daughter, give me an example of why you don't want your daughter to forgive you.
I have one. Would you like to hear it?
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: If you couldn't do it, how would she be able; I mean, how would she even know how?
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: I don't want my daughter to forgive me, because I have no clue how she'd even begin.
Woman: Yeah. Because I don't have a clue how to begin to forgive me. Yeah.
So, I want her to do it because I don't know how.
Byron Katie: "I want my daughter to forgive me," turned around: "I don't want my daughter to forgive me."
Woman: "I don't want my daughter to forgive me."
Byron Katie: Another example.
Woman: Um. "I don't want my daughter to forgive me so that I can learn to forgive myself."
Byron Katie: She's left you wonderful space for that.
Woman: Yeah. Yeah.
Byron Katie: Anyone have another example? "I don't want my daughter to forgive me." Yes?
Audience member: "The onus is on me, not on her."
Byron Katie: Yes. To stop putting those conditions on; you know, that's conditional love. Good one.
Yes, honey?
Audience member: "I don't want my daughter to forgive me because this gives me time to do the Work in that situation."
Woman: Yeah. Yes.
Byron Katie: Anyone else? "I don't want my daughter to forgive me." Yes?
Audience member: "Because it might be useful for her."
Woman: Ah.
Byron Katie: Feel that one?
Woman. Wow. Yes.
Byron Katie: Living in a state of resentment is very painful. It's a wonderful path, Karen.
That's the path. We don't have to like it. It's just the path.
Anyone else? Yes?
Audience member: "I don't want my daughter to forgive me because suffering is easier than working."
Woman: Oh, because I get to be right or feel like I'm right?
Byron Katie: And my friends will sympathize with me.
Woman: Oh, they do.
Byron Katie: And then together we all agree that victimhood is valid.
Woman: Yep.
Byron Katie: "There's something wrong in this universe and it's not me." It's my daughter.
Yes?
Audience member: Thank you. "I don't want my daughter to forgive me because it gives me an opportunity to feel what I'm feeling, and to be with it."
Byron Katie: "I don't want my daughter to forgive me."
"It's disrespectful for me to require; to put anything like that on her, after what I've already put on her."
Woman: Yes.
Oh. I am so grateful you called me up here. I was just in a vice grip and I didn't;
I just couldn't put these pieces together and I have just not seen it this clearly in five years.
Byron Katie: OK, sweetheart. Let's look at the next one. Number three.
Woman: Same thing. "Robin should understand and forgive me for the pain I caused her."
Byron Katie: Is it true?
Woman: No. No, it's not true.
Byron Katie: And how do you react on the telephone when you believe that thought?
Woman: Oh, my. There's nobody at home here. I'm just not with her. I'm just; it's all about me.
Byron Katie: And who would you be without this thought, on the telephone?
Woman: I would be there for her. I could listen to her. I could hear her. I could. . .
Byron Katie: Experience the difference?
Woman: Yeah. Definitely. One feels so contracted. One feels open.
I could understand, and even in that moment, forgive me for the pain I caused her when she's telling me all the pain that I've caused her.
It feels so different.
Byron Katie: Yeah. Yeah. It feels so different. When we connect with our children, whether they speak to us or not, it's done. It's complete.
And when they call us, we're a different mother. We're a different father.
So, let's turn this around: "I should. . ."
Woman: "I should understand and forgive me for the pain I caused me."
Yeah.
Byron Katie: And, in that moment, where you shut down, you're on the phone with her, in that moment when you shut down,
read it like that again.
Woman: "Robin. . ."
Byron Katie: "I should. . ."
Woman: "I should understand and forgive me for the pain I caused me."
Byron Katie: Yes. You shut down. You missed your daughter's gift.
Woman: Yes. Yes, I did.
Byron Katie: You were listening but you weren't listening. It's like listening at arm's length.
So. . .
Read it again. "My daughter should understand. . ." Turned around: "My daughter should not. . ."
Woman: "My daughter should not understand and forgive me for the pain I caused her." Yeah. She should not.
Byron Katie: She would if she could. There are very few examples of how to do that in this world.
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: People don't know how. Some of us are learning. We're open to it; being shown.
The next one.
Woman: OK.
Byron Katie: You know, read that one again.
Woman: "I should understand her. I should understand her for the pain I caused her."
Byron Katie: "For the pain she caused me."
Woman: Oh. Yeah. "I should understand her for the pain she caused me."
Byron Katie: You should understand it, because when you understand it, you understand she was just telling you her truths.
Woman: Yeah. Yeah, I see that.
Byron Katie: Good. That's very powerful. The next one?
Woman: The next one: "I need Robin to want me in her life."
Byron Katie: I love that at some point, as you go down that worksheet, at some point, the things that ripped your heart when you wrote them
bring laughter when you start waking up to yourself. That's quite a distance.
You can shift, like, millions of years on one worksheet if you just get still, open your heart, open your mind,
and when your mind opens, your heart is open. That's how it works.
So, the next one.
Woman: You want me to read the whole thing, or just. . .
Byron Katie: "I need. . ."
Woman: OK. "I need Robin to want me in her life, let me see my grandchildren, and give me another chance."
"I need. . ."
Byron Katie: So, read the first portion.
Woman: Just the way I wrote it again?
Byron Katie: Uh-huh.
Woman: OK. "I need Robin to want me in her life."
Byron Katie: Is that true?
In that moment, on that phone call, "you need her to want you in her life." Is it true?
Byron Katie: No. You shut down.
Woman: I shut down. Exactly.
She was inviting me into her life and I shut down.
Byron Katie: So, it's not what you needed.
Woman: No.
Byron Katie: And the next portion: I need. . .
Woman: "I need Robin to let me see my grandchildren."
Byron Katie: Is that true, in that moment?
Woman: No. Absolutely not.
Byron Katie: Not at all.
Woman: No. No.
Byron Katie: And the next portion?
Woman: "I need Robin to give me another chance." That's not true either.
Byron Katie: Is that true?
Woman: No.
Byron Katie: No. You wanted no piece of another chance with her.
She was just chancing, chancing, chancing, and you shut down, shut down.
Woman: Yep.
Byron Katie: OK. So, let's turn it around and see what does make sense.
Woman: OK.
Byron Katie: In that moment, "I need me. . ."
Woman: "I need me to want me in her life. Yeah."
"I need me to let me see my grandchildren." "I need me to give me another chance."
Byron Katie: Yes.
Woman: And I can do that.
Byron Katie: Yes, you can. You can call, admit your lack of awareness on the phone, and apologize
and ask her to please tell you everything and be gentle, that you're like a newborn.
That you don't want her to hold anything back, but you're like a newborn; like a baby.
You're very fragile. But not to be careful with you, just give you time to take it in.
Woman: Yeah. I'll have to write her that. She doesn't take calls from me.
Byron Katie: Well, that's a lot. What I've said is a lot. You know, it's. . .
You know, it might short version on her voicemail that says, like,
"Robin, five years ago you were telling me truths that I was unable to hear and I want to hear every single one of them."
"You have a right to that and I think I'm ready now. I love you."
Woman: I'm ready now, yeah. I feel ready now.
Byron Katie: Yeah, well, who knows?
Woman: I'll know when I do it, I guess.
Byron Katie: And just be prepared enough just to say, "Honey, let me cry for a moment. It's a lot. Just let me take that in."
And you know enough to know that she isn't the cause of your tears.
Woman: Right.
Byron Katie: It's what you're thinking and believing about what she's saying that is the cause of your tears.
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: I mean, you're healing alcoholism here. You're healing it for all of us.
Every time you make a shift, we shift. It's like the next baby being born in the world will hold less attachment. Less Velcro.
You know, you've heard some things you just don't believe.
And some of you, your minds are very open to it.
And that's a wonderful way to live. That's an amazing balance that we are capable of holding.
You know, that "don't know" mind. And open to being shown what is balance. What is wise. And what hurts.
If it's wise, it doesn't hurt. If it's not wise, it hurts. It's suffering.
So, the next one. "She is. . ."
Woman: Gee, this is hard to even read now. "Robin has tried to control me and demand that I be like she wants me to be."
That's so not true.
So not true.
Byron Katie: Well, it is if you turn it around.
Woman: Yes. "I am trying to control Robin; demand that she be like I want her to be."
Yeah. Yeah.
Byron Katie: And I love, you know, sitting and getting really still in this and see where I made that known to her.
You know, "Don't say those things." I shut down, but there is something more obvious.
She knows if I make that one little, that one little thing in my throat or that one little word, to back off.
And when you sit and you meditate on those moments, you meet yourself.
And once you're awake to those, denial moves away and the next time that tendency rises, it just drops.
Because you're wise to yourself. You're awake to yourself. You're conscious to yourself and what hurts.
If I hurt you, that's how I hurt me.
I'm just awake enough to understand that I cannot hurt you.
But anything I would perceive that would hurt you, hurts me. Understand? We can't get away with it. That's the bottom line.
Like, what you. . . What you were thinking and believing and how you reacted was all of your pain.
Robin is completely innocent. And that's what we're testing here.
Woman: Yes. Yes.
Byron Katie: She just called to let you know about her life.
And, hopefully, in the dream world, our children will try to hurt us and get even. We get to see ourselves again. We were good at that.
And they; we have taught them, it's that mirror image that just keeps giving you what you need, giving you what you need,
giving you what you need. It's like, "I'm enlightened now. Next!" You know?
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: And that's why I love making amends and making it right where I can is they; it just, all that goodness comes back in your face.
Good. Good. That's how it works. It's just giving you those pieces. Giving you those pieces. Until you understand who and what you are.
OK, sweetheart. So, the next one.
Woman: Number six? OK. "I don't ever want Robin to scream and yell at me again about all my wrongdoings
and tell me that she doesn't want me in her life."
Byron Katie: OK, so, "I'm willing to. . ."
Woman: Yes.
Byron Katie: So, let's hear it.
Woman: "I am willing to have Robin scream. . ."
Byron Katie: Because if you called her to make amends, you admit where you were. Where you shut down. Etcetera.
"I am willing to. . ."
Woman: "I am willing to have Robin scream and yell at me again about all my wrongdoings
and tell me she doesn't want me in her life."
Byron Katie: When my daughter, if my children screamed and yelled at me, it's easy to understand why.
It's the only way I could hear. People only raise their voice with me when I need it. When I'm being so dense I just really need to hear it.
I heard that one right away.
It wasn't my children, it was my; it was Paul that I was married to at the time. He would just, "Rar!" Huge and loud, and I thought,
"Gosh, perfect mate."
No mistake. No accidents in the world.
While people would vacate the house. I'd just think, "That man really knows what I need."
And he always spoke the truth.
But I didn't learn that until after inquiry finally got some kind of life in me.
So, "I look forward to."
Woman: "I look forward to Robin screaming and yelling at me again about all my wrongdoings
and telling me she doesn't want me in her life again."
Byron Katie: Really exciting, you know. And why would she do that? It gives you another worksheet. It's all so simple.
Woman: Yeah.
Byron Katie: Yeah. Forgiveness.
You know, you're very courageous. Thank you for being so open.
Woman: Thank you so much.