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>> THAT THAT SORT OF STANCE IS
UNACCEPTABLE.
>> AND PSYCHOTIC HELICOPTERS.
ALSO A CIA PROGRAM TRAINING
ATTRACTIVE WOMEN IN CONTROL.
>> WE CAN MAKE IT HERE IN
AMERICA. CHEAPLY, EFFICIENTLY
AROUND THE WORLD.
>>> A POPULAR IPHONE APP
BROADCASTING MESSAGES FROM A
SECRET ILLUMANATI FROM MARS.
>> A MADMAN.
>> I FEEL GLORIOUS.
>> AND PRESIDENT OBAMA TAKING A
FIRM STAND AGAINST UP COMING
ENTOURAGE MOVIE.
>> IT'S NOT WHAT OUR FOUNDERS
ENVISIONED. THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
DESERVE BETTER.
>> AND NOW, LET'S WELCOME OUR
GUESTS. SO CUTE THAT SQUIRRELS
IN THE PARK TRY TO FEED HER. I'M
HERE NOW WITH DANA PERINO. AND
HE'S CAUSED SUICIDE HOT LINE
VOLUNTEERS TO.
>> 2013, YOU OVER.
>> RIGHT.
>> AND HE'S A DOTING FATHER, A
LOVING SON, A HOPELESS DRUNK.
SITTING NEXT TO ME. STEVE
CARNAN.COM. HIS BOOK IS NOW
AVAILABLE.
>> WELL DONE.
>> I WISH YOU CAN SEE ME.
>> THEY WERE SORRY BUT WE
WEREN'T. OWE OWE 2013 WAS A
SPECIAL YEAR FOR APOLOGIES
ALEC BALDWIN VOWS NEVER TO USE
HOMOPHOBIC SLURS AGAIN. AND THE
MOST MEMORABLE APOLOGY BELONG TO
THIS ONE.
>> TODAY'S ANNOUNCEMENT I KNOW I
EMBARRASSED EVERYONE IN THIS
CITY. AND I WILL BE FOREVER
SORRY.
>> HE WASN'T FROM AMERICA BUT WE
LIKE TO THINK OF HIM AS
AMERICA'S MAYOR. LET'S TAKE A
LOOK AT THE YEAR.
>> YES. HAVE MORE TO DO. BUT NO.
DO I?
AM I AN AT YIKT?
NO. HAVE I TRIED IT?
PROBABLY IN ONE OF MY DRUNKEN
STUPORS.
>> GET OFF MY DRIVEWAY, PLEASE.
>> WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME?
>> GET OFF MY PROPERTY, PLEASE.
CAN YOU PLEASE GET OFF MY
DRIVEWAY?
>> GET OFF MY PROPERTY, PLEASE.
GET OFF MY PROPERTY!
>> I'M LEAVING.
>> THANK YOU.
>> SIDE NOTE [ BLEEP ]
>> IT WILL BE OVER IN FIVE
MINUTES.
>> LIBYA GONE, I HAVE NEVER SAID
THAT. IN MY LIFE TO HER
I WOULD NEVER DO. THAT I'M
HAPPILY MARRIED.
>> AMAZING. YOU KNOW WE'VE
RECORDED THIS SPECIAL JULY 2012.
SO THERE IS NO -- YOU MIGHT NOT
BE ALIVE. BUT HE IS -- ONLY
APOLOGIZED MORE, OR BETTER THAN
HIM.
>> IF YOU GO A PARTY AND HE IS
AT THE PARTY, STAY AT THE PARTY.
>> YOU DON'T GO. YOU STAY THERE.
>> NO. YOU STAY AT THE PARTY.
>> THIS DUDE IS OFF THE CHAIN
AND INSANE. I LOVE HIM. HE'S
SWEATY AND BIG AND BLOATED,
UNAPOLOGETIC AND DOING WHAT HE
DOES.
>> YES.
>> HE'S STILL THE MAYOR OF T
DOT.
>> THE FUNNY THING IS THAT IF
HE'S A PRETTY GOOD MAYOR.
>> I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT THIS
SUBJECT. ONE, VERY DONE CRACK.
WHEN I WAS WASTEED AND I DON'T
THINK IT'S A BIG DEAL. TWO,
MARION BERRY DID IT A MILLION
TIMES AND GOT REELECTED. OBAMA
BRAGS ABOUT HIS *** USE IN
HIS BOOK. NO ONE CARES ABOUT
THAT. YES. THIS IS A GREAT
MAYOR. THE REAL STATE HAS BEEN
GOING THROUGH THE ROOF. HE'S
IMPOSED FREE MARKET LIBERATION
ON THIS SOCIALIST COUNTRY
BECAUSE HE'S A FAT WHITE GUY WE
MAKE FUN ABOUT THE ONE TIME HE
DID CRACK. WASTED. SOMEONE HAS A
CRACK PIPE YOU'RE GOING TO BE
LIKE WELL I AM HAVING TROUBLE
SEEING. YOU KNOW?
I WON'T MIND A SOBERING ***.
>> IS THAT WHAT IT IS?
>> IT'S BETTER TO DRIVE AFTER
CRACK IF YOU'RE REALLY WASTED.
>> I AGREE.
>> LIKE A STRONG CUP OF COFFEE
>> EXACTLY.
>> YOU WERE SAYING TO ME IN THE
GREEN ROOM WHY ALL THE HATE
ABOUT CRACK?
THEN, YOU WALK OUT.
>> INTERESTINGLY, YOU'RE THE
BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO
ANTHONY ***?
>> YES?
>> ROB FORD.
>> HE WAS ON THE FRONT PAGE OF
EVERY PAPER, EMBARRASSING THE
NATHS, NOW, NO ONE CAN REMEMBER
ANTHONY *** HAPPENED BECAUSE
THIS ACTUAL MAYOR IN CANADA
CAPTURED OUR ATTENTION.
>> YES.
>> HAVING SEX VIA TEXTING IS
MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU'RE ON
CRACK.
>> I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.
>> DID THIS APOLOGY STAND OUT TO
YOU?
>> I THINK THE BIGGEST APOLOGY
OF THE YEAR WAS THE PRESIDENT
AFTER REPEATEDLY LYING.
>> BECAUSE OF --
>> I DON'T THINK. IT WAS A GOOD
LIE.
>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?
GOING TO LIE SO WE'D GO AHEAD
WITH IT.
>> AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT THAT A
LONG TIME.
>> WOW.
>> GOOD.
>> YOU KNOW, WORST APOLOGY...
>> THE WORST APOLOGY EVER, ADAM,
SMITH WAS THE GUY HARASSED A
GIRL AT CHICK-FIL-A. THIS IS
AWFUL. AND HE LOST HIS JOB. I
DON'T CONDONE BUT DID ENJOY IT.
A YEAR OF BIG DEAL THAT'S
WEREN'T REAL. AND WHO CAN FOR
GET THE GIRLFRIEND THAT DIED
WHILE NOT EXISTING. THEN,
UNIVERSITY OF WYOMING STUDENT
WHO REPORTED SOME EVIL RIGHT
WINGER POSTED *** THREATS ON A
SCHOOL FACEBOOK PAGE THIS,
GARNERED NATIONAL ATTENTION.
ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT IT'S LATER
DETERMINED THE GIRL POSTED IT
HERSELF. OTHER COLLEGES AND
THERE IS A LESBIAN WAITRESS
CLAIMING A FAMILY LEFT HER A
HOMOPHOBIC NOTE INSTEAD OF A TIP
THE FAMILY PRODUCED A STATEMENT
SAYING THEY LEFT THE TIP. AND
MORALES WAS FIRED.
>> YES.
>> ALL RIGHT. THERE IS SO MANY
HOAXES. THAT SEEMS LIKE THERE
ARE, IT'S NOT AN INDUSTRY OF
HOAXES IF YOU WILL. MAY I COIN A
PHRASE?
>> COIN A PHRASE
>> I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS
>> I DON'T LIKE THEY DO IT THIS
GIRL DID IT WITH THE LION ON THE
FAMILY?
THEN, HE FIND OUT THEY HAVE TO
GO THROUGH RECEIPTS TODAY COME
BACK AND GOING BACK TO THIS
PLACE?
THAT MADE ME ANGRY. BECAUSE
PEOPLE GORING THROUGH
PERSECUTION FOR BEING A LESBIAN
OR HOMOSEXUAL MALE.
>> EVERYONE IS TIRED.
>> AND YES. YES.
>> MY FRIEND SAYS SHE'S A LIAR.
SAYING SHE HAD CANCER ASK A
BUNCH OF THINGS
THE POINT IS THAT DON'T PEOPLE
THINK THEY CAN DO THESE HOAXES?
>> THAT IS THE ACHILLES HE'LL.
EVERYONE GOES WELL, IT'S PRO
EQUALITY SHOWING LESBIANS CAN BE
JUST AS CRAZY AND MALICIOUS. AS
NORMAL PEOPLE.
>> NORM. CALLED NORM.
>> THE TRUTH IS THAT IT'S
NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT BUT
REACTION TO THE HOAXES IS WHAT
THIS MEDIA IS ABOUT. NOT THEY
GET AWAY WITH IT AND SOMEONE HAS
MENTAL ILLNESS. BUT THEY JUMP AT
THE CHANCE TO THAT AMERICA IS A
RACIST HOMOPHOBIC HELL HOLE AND
ITS NOT.
>> THERE, A COLLEGE PRESIDENT
SAID FEAR AND DISRUPTION WERE
REECHLT THEN PATTED HIMSELF ON
THE BACK.
>> RIGHT.
>> SOMETHING COULD HAVE --
>> RIGHT.
>> WHAT IS DISTURBING IS THAT
AMERICANS A LOT OF US WANT IT TO
BE TRUE.
>> IT'S WANT TO BE A SEXIST, AND
RACIST
>> A GIRL PUSHES HER CAR INTO
THE WATER WITH HER KIDS IN IT
AND SAID A BLACK DUDE IN IT Z
TWO BLACK DUDES KIDNAPPED MY
KIDS..
>> I BELIEVED THAT.
>> WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?
IS THIS GOING TO BE OVER?
NOW, BEING EXPOSED MORE QUICKLY?
>> YOU HOPE ATTENTION FOR THE
HOAX IS THAT NEG TAF TENSION FOR
WHEN THEY'RE FOUND OUT WOULD BE
BIG ENOUGH THEY'D NOT DO IT
AGAIN. I THINK HOAX IS A WRONG
WORD, THESE PEOPLE ARE SICK
A HOAX...
>> HOAXING SHOULD BE FUN.
>> SHOULD BE FUN. BUT THIS IS
PEOPLE SO IN NEED OF PERSONAL
ATTENTION THE ONLY WAY TO GET IT
IS THROUGH THIS.
>> THE ONE HOAX WE CAN DISCUSS.
THAT THING JUST WAENT WAY
BECAUSE IT WAS SO OBVIOUSLY
WEIRD AND GONE. AND IT WAS SO
MANY OF THE STORIES.
>> NOBODY WANTED TO PUT MORE
PRESSURE ON HIM.
>> OKAY. COMING UP A STORY SO
UNBELIEVABLE, WE PROBABLY MADE
IT UP. BUT FIRST... WHAT WHERE
THE STORIES OF 2013?
>> THERE ARE A LOT OF
FRIGHTENING MOMENTS ASH THE
WORLD. OBAMACARE LAUNCH, NSA
SCANNEDA. THEN, I ALMOST RAN OUT
OF PEANUT BUTTER AFTER STORES
CLOSED. STOP YAWNING DANA!
IT'S NOT THAT LATE!
A METEOR CRASHED IN RUSSIA. JOE
THIS IS INTERESTING TO ME. YOU
LIVE HERE. YOU'RE NOT NEAR THE
ASTEROID. YOU HID FOR DAYS. WHY
IS THAT?
>> WELL, THEY COME FROM SPACE
THERE
IS NO HIDING FROM THEM.
ANYWHERE.
>> IT'S TRUE.
>> YOU'RE SAYING YOU HAVE
DECIDED TO HIDE WHAT?
WILL TLB BIGGER ONES COME
SOMETHING
>> THEY CAN BE BIGGER OR SMALLER
ONES
A SMALLER ONE NO ONE GOING TO
BELIEVE YOU.
>> I WANT TO GO TO THE NEXT
STORY. DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE
SPONS YORG A COMPETITION TO
BRING HUMANOID ROBOTS TO LIFE.
COULD WE BE WRONG ABOUT ROBOTS?
MAYBE THIS IS A GOOD THING.
>> ONLY HAVE ONE NUCLEAR
DISASTER PER GENERATION
WEEFRMENT GOING TO NEED MORE
NUCLEAR DISASTERS TO KEEP THIS
BUSY.
>> IT'S A LOSE, LOSE
>> YOU IF YOU HAVE TO GET IT,
YOU WILL DIE.
>> IT'S GOING TO BE KILLER ROBOT
OR SARS. NOT SURE WHICH
>> WHICH WOULD BE RATHER DIE
FROM?
>> DEFENDING THE HONOR OF A
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
>> SO SARS?
>> YES.
>> SARS. IF YOU GET SARS YOU
PREVENT ONE WOMAN FROM GETTING
SARS.
>> IT'S ONE WAY OF LOOKING AT
IT. IT'S BETTER TO GIVE A WOMAN
SARS THAN NEVER TO HAVE LOVED AT
ALL.
>> YOU'RE A HOPELESS KIND OF
CRUEL ROMANTIC. I GAVE HER SARS.
BUT THROUGH LOVE. REPORT SAYS
THERE ARE HUGE SWARMS OF
RASPBERRY ANTS. KNOWN AS CRAZY
ANTS INVADING SOUTHERN UNITED
STATES FROM BRAZIL. THEY'RE
DRAWN TO ELECTRONIC DEVICES LIKE
CAR STEREOS AND CIRCUIT BOXES
FORMING A MASS THAT COULD SHORT
CIRCUIT. IS THIS HOW THE WORLD
IS GOING END?
WITH CRAZY SNANTS
>> IT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD THEY'RE
ALREADY CALLED CRAZY ANTS BY
SCIENTISTS. IT'S NOT LOOKING G I
DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE
WORSE THAN SARS.
>> IS THE ATTACK ELECTRONIC?
DOES THIS MEAN NO DEVICE IS
SAFE?
SHOULD I SELL YOUR CAR SOME
>> STAY DOWN IN TEXAS WHERE
THESE ARE. IF YOU DRIVE IN THE
CAR YOU CAN SPREAD ANTS HERE.
KEEP THOSE ANTS AAYW FROM ME,
GREG.
>> THAT DOESN'T HELP ME.
>> WELL, WHAT WE COULD DO IS
PERHAPS IMPORT ANT EATERS
WE'D HAVE TO IMPORT JAGUARS TO
KILL ANT EATERS AND JAGUAR ONLY
NATURAL PREDATORS OTHER JAGUARS
NOW WE'VE GOT A JAGUAR
INSTITUTION.
>> ARE THEY GOING AFFECT OUR
BANKS?
>> THAT IS NOT A PROBLEM I HAVE.
I DO NOT HAVE MUCH MONEY.
>> I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
WHAT IS YOUR PLAN TO STAY SNAF
>> THREE SO FAR. ONE, GO TO THE
DOCTOR MORE. BECAUSE HOW DO I
KNOW IF I'M JUST TIRED OR I HAVE
LYME DISEASE?
AND SURE THE DOCTOR WILL SAY I
TESTED LAST MONTH, BUT THAT IS
LAST MONTH.
>> ONE MORE?
>> YES. TO FINISH MY NOVEL ABOUT
A TIMID COMEDIAN BY DAY/SUPER
HERO BY NIGHT. THAT BEATS UP
RUDE PEOPLE TO DEFEND THE HONOR
OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
>> I HAD A FEELING HE'S GOING TO
FINISH THAT. OR FINISHED BY A
CAT.
>> PUBLISHERS? I'M STANDING BY.
>> THANK YOU, JOE
>> COMING UP.
>> COMING UP, STEVE BLOCK
SPONSORED BY ICEBERG. THE
FLOATING MASSES OF ICE DETACHED
FROM A GLACIER CARRIED OUT TO
SEA. THANKS ICEBERGS. YOU'RE
WELCOME, GREG WHAT. STORY
CAUSED MOST OUTRAGE THIS YEAR?
OUR RED EYE DEBATE CENTER.
>> NOW, IT'S TIME FOR RED EYE.
MEMORIAL. NOT DEAD, JUST DEAD TO
US.
>> IT LINKS TO THE MEDIA
THINKING WE ARE ALL BING AND
INDY AND THE NASCAR.
AND "THE DAILY SHOW" SENDS TWO
GAYS DOWN TO THE SOUTH TO GET
BEAT UP.
I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE PREP BY THE
WAY.
LOOK, IT'S GOING TO GET
DANGEROUS THERE.
HEY, MAN, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
SO IN LOVE, MAKING OUT.
YOU'RE THE COOLEST GAY DUDES I
EVER SAW.
THEN THEY PROPOSED TO EACH OTHER
IN A DINER.
EVERYONE GOES, YEAH!
>> GREAT.
>> AND THEN AS THEY SUM UP THIS
OBSESSION THE MEDIA HAS WITH
PROVING WHAT IS NOT, DANA.
>> SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES.
IT HAD TO DO WITH RACISM, THE
MEDIA THINKS EVERYBODY ELSE IS A
RACIST IF YOU DIDN'T VOTE FOR
PRESIDENT OBAMA AND THE EXAMPLE
IS THE RODEO CLOWN THAT WORE THE
MASK OF OBAMA.
THIS GUY MAKES LESS THAN MINIMUM
WAGE, GETS FIRED FROM THE JOB
AND ALL THE RODEO CLOWNS IN
AMERICA HAVE TO GO TO
SENSITIVITY TRAINING.
THE TRUTH IS EVERY PRESIDENT
GOING BACK AS FAR AS I CAN
REMEMBER I'VE GONE TO RODEOS MY
WHOLE LIFE, EVERY PRESIDENT GETS
THE MASK TREATMENT FROM THE
RODEO CLOWN.
THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.
IT WAS RACIST.
>> THEY WENT TOO FAR.
>> WHAT'S YOUR OUTRAGE?
>> I HAVE NO OUTRAGE THIS YEAR.
I'M HAPPY TO BE A WORKING
COMEDIAN AND HAVE FRIENDS LIKE
YOU GUYS.
>> AH!
>> AND THE REDEYE HASHTAG REDEYE
FAMILY ON TWITTER, WE WILL BE
TOGETHER FOREVER.
LOVE YOU GUYS.
AND THE CAMERA CREW, TOO, CAMERA
CREW, ALL YOU GUY, STAGE
MANAGERS.
TAKES AVILLAGE.
>> WAIT.
IT'S NOT OVER.
>> WE'VE GOT MORE SHOW?
>> AND ON THIS VERY NETWORK, A
LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST WHO
CLAIMS TO BE A LIBERTARIAN.
CAN WE ROLL IT?
>> EVERYBODY KNOWS WATCHING THE
REDEYE FOR SEVEN YEARS KNOWS I
HATE THE GOVERNMENT.
I HAVE TO DEFEND THE NSA.
>> OH!
>> ALL YEAR CLAIMING TO BE A
LIBERTARIAN AND YET SUPPORTING
EVERY POSSIBLE INVASION OF
PRIVACY THE GOVERNMENT COULD
COMMIT.
SHAME ON YOU, SIR.
YOU ARE THE OUTRAGE OF THE YEAR
FOR THE SEVENTH STRAIGHT YEAR.
>> THE DEBATE CENTER.
>> THAT WRAPS UP APOLOGIES.
REDEYE'S 2013 MEDIA SPECIALIST.
MANY SPECIAL THANKS TO DANA
PERINO.