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[crickets chirping]
[pages turning]
[sigh]
[writing]
[music]
>>WOMAN 1: My body, I considered a poor let-down. There was nothing I could perceive between
my thighs but absence. It confused me. It was not supposed to be this way. I felt overwhelmed.
I was blushing. I was afraid. I was told that I wasn't supposed to watch these things, let
alone enjoy them. I thought I was dirty, but I was enjoying it too much to care. I felt
both comforted by the feeling and afraid of getting caught, even though there was no reason
to expect anyone to walk in.
[pause]
>>WOMAN 2: I remember doing it in the living room in the afternoon, with my mom taking
a nap upstairs, in a beg red armchair and then being like "Oh ***, I did it again - oops!"
I would immediately feel kind of bad or like, be automatically bored. Like once it reached
that I was so over it and wanted a snack or something. I was trying to stop myself from
making noise, trying to be as still as possible, and failing.
[pause]
>>WOMAN 3: It was night and I had been watching Will & Grace. My mom had recently said goodnight
to me and I could hear her talking to my sister in the other room. Grace had some new boyfriend
and they were making out on the couch. I didn't really know what that meant at the time. I
felt odd, kind of like this natural drive that I had to do something.
[pause]
>>WOMAN 4: It reminded me of an intense itch that I kept scratching, but instead of feeling
some sort of release it kept building and building. I felt depraved, self indulgent,
but that drove me on. Unexpectedly, my stomach swooped. I simply remember that my body had
never so at ease and relaxed, but at the same time I felt ashamed for what I had done, as
if God himself were disappointed in me for my actions. I thought if my parents knew,
what would they say? How angry would they be?
[pause]
>>WOMAN 5: At first it happened by accident. The details are so clear in my mind. I was
climbing a swingset during recess. The sensation stopped me in my tracks. I was too afraid
to really look down there and figure out what everything was, but immediately I felt something
more pointed, like one side of a magnet had been attached to me and I had no idea where
the other side was located. It was just this pull.
[pause] [change in music]
>>WOMAN 1: Thinking back on it, I don't know why I hadn't done it sooner. I was sort of
shocked, and I think afraid to try again, but at the same time kind of proud of myself.
It felt like a secret. I knew I couldn't get caught -
>>WOMAN 4: But I was also kind of amazed that my chubby little pre-teen body could exert
that much force and it was me that had done it.
>>WOMAN 2: I felt a yearning. It felt like bubbles were starting at the bottom of my
torso and working their way out the top of my head.
>>WOMAN 5: The little button of nerve-endings was the key.
>>WOMAN 1: Besides the pleasure, I was also feeling a lot of pride in myself. I went to
sleep thinking "There's no way God could hate something so wonderful."
>>WOMAN 4: I fell backward into the warm water that had pooled around me, completely dumbfounded.
I remember laughing and almost crying, all at once.
>>WOMAN 3: I had no idea it would be like that. At that age, I felt a sense of power
being able to do that.
>>WOMAN 5: Being able to make myself feel that way, almost invincible.
>>WOMAN 2: I could make myself confident and powerful whenever I wanted.
>>WOMAN 4: I never felt ashamed of it. >>WHISPERING: I never felt ashamed of it.