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Despite the current war on terror, or Islam, or whatever you want to call it,
both Britain and America are still very good friends with certain Arab countries
because these countries provide us with a very valuable service.
They allow us to send people we don't like to their countries to be tortured legally,
and that way we're not doing anything morally wrong.
One of these countries is the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, which is well known as an exclusively Islamic country.
None of this multi-faith nonsense for them.
In fact it's against the law even to preach Christianity in Saudi Arabia,
and the penalty is death. Well, that would certainly put a stop to it, so let's not dismiss it out of hand.
This is because they subscribe to Sharia law, which is, of course, the Islamic legal code,
which has been designed to put the fear of God into men
and to put the fear of men into women, it seems to me,
particularly the fear of men with beards into women.
But there's an irony here, because everybody knows that Muslims don't drink alcohol.
They won't have a drink, not even at Christmas.
And yet Sharia law has a lot in common with the Campaign for Real Ale.
Both were devised by men with beards for the benefit of men with beards.
The big difference, of course, is that the Campaign for Real Ale
doesn't have women *** to death for no reason.
And a very good thing, too. After all, somebody's got to work the bar,
and then somebody's got to drive afterwards. Well done, lads. That's using the brain.
Congratulations on that one.
Despite the fact that most of the 9/11 lunatics were Saudis,
and quite a few prominent Saudis were spirited out of the United States by the Bush family
before the FBI could ask them why they did it, we're still friends with Saudi Arabia
because they've got lots and lots of oil.
In fact it would be difficult to think of a more oily country than Saudi Arabia.
You might say, "Why be friends with people like this? They're obviously scumbags.
"Why don't we just go in there and take the oil like we usually do?"
But you see, if we did that, then they wouldn't buy any more weapons from us,
and then our whole economy would probably collapse.
And this is why, for example, the Saudis were able to embarrass the British government recently
(and with their record, that takes some doing)
by threatening to cancel a massive arms deal if the British police continued to investigate bribery allegations
against members of their so-called royal family.
Naturally, our government caved in to these threats like a paper cup because
apparently it's in our country's interest to brownnose a bunch of *** medieval gangsters,
which, in my opinion, makes us almost as creepy as the Bush family,
and I thought that was genuinely impossible.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Saudi Arabia that couldn't be cured by civilisation,
because it's not my place to say that. The truth is I haven't visited the country,
so, for example, I've never had the privilege of attending a public execution.
Watching somebody have their head removed with a sword - what's uncivilised about that?
Apart from the fact that you can't get a cold beer to enjoy while you're watching it.
Now that really is uncivilised.
No, I've never been to Saudi Arabia, so I've never had the chance to witness the religious police
prevent the rescue of young women from a burning building
because they're not wearing the correct headgear.
I wasn't actually there when those 15 young girls burned to death for absolutely no reason
so I can't comment on it, and I wouldn't dream of doing so
because that would be disrespectful.
And anyway, just because Saudi Arabia is single-handedly responsible for the poisonous Wahhabi brand of
fundamentalist Islam that has plagued this planet like the AIDS virus for the past few decades,
and just because Saudi Arabia finances all the murderous madrassas in Pakistan
where the London bombers learned their godless ideology
that doesn't mean I've got anything against the place or its rulers - far from it;
about that far from it.
But if I could make just one small positive suggestion:
Everybody knows that Saudi Arabia is very rich in certain mineral deposits,
notably, of course, sand.
My goodness me, it's got so much sand it could export the stuff.
Or, even better, it could import a load of water and cement,
mix itself into a giant block of concrete, and do us all a huge favour.
And another thing; nobody is going to convince me that the king of Saudi Arabia has never had a drink.
I don't care what you say. With his money there's no way that he just limits himself to *** and hookers.
He looks like a Jack Daniel's man to me.
Obviously I can't prove that statement, but we all know that you don't need proof
when you've got faith.
Peace. You know it makes sense.