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♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪
♪ For learning all you oughta know about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When your books are what you're there about ♪
♪ But looks are what you care about ♪
e ♪
♪ To be living up to your dreams ♪
ng out ♪
♪ What everything is all about ♪
♪ When the boys you used to hate you date ♪
♪ I guess you best investigate the facts of life ♪
♪ You gotta get 'em right ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪♪ [ Woman Vocalizing ]
♪ The facts of life ♪♪
Now, after this weekend, we're heading into the toughest part of the semester.
So that means we gotta cut down on TV,
phone calls, gab sessions, and concentrate on your studies.
Mr. Bradley,
"All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy?"
- Well, even a dull boy would be welcome around here. - [ All Agreeing ]
[ Clears Throat ] Yes.
Well-- [ Clears Throat ] we have to buckle down.
Miss Mahoney.
y?
No!
Oh.
Okay.
The lights.
Blair, ask how we're gonna do on the test.
Forget i
Let's ask it an important question.
ja, how old arried?
[ All Chanting ] Doo-doo, doo-doo. Doo-doo, doo-doo. Doo-doo, doo-doo.
Doo-doo, doo-doo. Doo-doo, doo-doo. Doo-doo, doo-doo.
Thirty.
eeth.
Natalie, let's see if we can get through to Harvey,
my dead hamster.
Oh, Harvey,
wherever you are in that big hamster cage in the sky,
if you hear me, say something-- just give me a sign.
[ Kn
Come in, Harvey.
er,
you sure are a snappy dresser.
I was told I could find Mrs. Garrett here.
You know Mrs. Garrett? Our Mrs. Garrett?
- Intimately. - Intimately?
Well, she's not here right now. Please come in.
Ah, won't you sit down?
[ Chuckling ] You're very kind.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
- Natalie and Molly. - Hello.
- Hello, I'm Robert Garrett. - Mrs. Garrett's husband?
- Ex. - Wow, an *** husband.
You were married to Mrs. Garrett?
- Until she divorced me. - On what grounds, insanity?
Oh--
Oh, not now, Tootie. Don't bore Mr. Garrett with your silly card tricks.
Well, as a matter of fact, I love card tricks.
Well, in that case.
Uh, pick a card, any card.
Uh-huh.
Uh, memorize it...
Hmm.
Anywhere?
[ Chuckling ]
Yeah.
[ Exhales ]
It's gotta be in here somewhere.
This has never happened to me before.
I-I think it was the 10 of diamonds.
I know it's the 10 of diamonds, but where is it?
Yeah, well, could this be it?
How did you do that?
Girls, the shopping was just awful.
I tell you that I-- I-- [ Stammering ]
Mmm!
What are you doing?
If she doesn't know what he's doing, no wonder the marriage didn't work.
Robert, you come here out of the blue,
kiss me like that in front of my girls.
No, I'm sorry. Uh, girls, would you mind turning around?
Robert--
Robert--
Is there someplace that we can talk?
We have nothing in common anymore. There's nothing to talk about.
Edna. Mmm!
[ Laughs ]
u believe it?
Our Mrs. Garrett must past.
te
You know, it-- it's been quite a while.
Over three years, Robert.
Well, how much
Edna, why is it every time I come around,
you think it's to borrow money to pay off a gambling debt?
Because every time you come around, it's to borrow money to pay off a gambling debt.
Aw, but, honey, that's all changed.
Why, with my new job, I won't to touch
vations l
It'll be nine to five.
Are those the hours or the odds?
Look, Edna-- [ Chuckle ]
I only took this job because of you.
And if I can come home to you every night, I'll keep it.
Will you marry me again?
Well, it's taking you a long time to answer.
I should have taken that long to answer the first time.
Listen, honey, remember all the good times we used to have?
oking
Hmm. The rides in the hansom cab.
And those moonlight boat rides on the lake.
Remember the time we almost fell in?
Oh, honey, let's rekindle that old spark.
Let me take you to the best restaurant in town, hmm?
Violins, champagne, candlelight.
At 1:00 in the afternoon?
I need all the help I can get.
Anything.
If you ask me to marry you again, and I say "yes,"
can we make it two out of three?
They've been gone for three hours.
Don't you think they should have been back by now?
He took her to lunch at La Maison.
town.
If he took her to a place like that, he must have something up his sleeve.
It better be money, 'cause that place costs a fortune.
They've been divorced for 15 years now.
Why do you think Mr. Garrett came back?
Maybe he forgot his laundry.
Did you see the way they looked at each other on the way out?
I didn't notice anything special.
Are you kidding? They looked to me like they got the hots for each other.
At their age?
Maybe they have the "lukewarms" for each other.
Do you know what I think?
I bet he came back to ask her to marry him again.
If you ask me, I think that they should just live together.
Without being married? She wouldn't do that.
It's not right for people to just live together.
Why not? We do.
It's them.
Come on. Let's get out of here and give 'em a little privacy.
But, Sue Ann, what happens if they get married and he moves in?
Why
Come on. Let's go.
Molly!
[ Laughing ] ♪ I'm forever blowing bubbles ♪
Oh, I shouldn't have had that last drink of champagne,
Oh, you were always a terrible influence on me.
.
[ Phone Rings ]
Oh-ho. Mm-hmm. [ Giggling ]
[ Rings ]
Hello, Mrs. Garrett here. Who are you?
Oh, Mr. Bradley. [ Clears Throat ]
[ Squeals ]
I made out the menus for next week.
Uh, you want them now? Am I busy?
Well, my hands are full.
Oh, oh, I-- I-I have--
I have the menus in my purse.
All right. I'll bring 'em over right away. I--
Mmm. I--
Good-bye.
Excuse me, Robert. I have to run something over to the office.
Yeah, Yeah. Do-- Do-Do hurry back.
I will. [ Kisses ]
♪ Oh, every time it rains ♪
♪ It rains pennies from heaven ♪
Excuse me.
Oh, of course, uh, cutie.
- That's Tootie. - [ Laughs ]
You know, you made me look pretty dumb this morning.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
All the girls here can do something special.
The only thing I've got going for me was that lousy card trick.
Yeah. Well, would you like me to teach you another one?
No, you took all the magic out of it.
little solitary poker.
My daddy plays that all the time.
ce.
Why, sure. I'll be glad to teach you.
]
Hey, this is
Then we can
g.
Okay.
Don't put it away, Mr. Bradley.
I have to take another $18 out of my account.
You too? Boy, there really has been a run on the bank this week.
Well, it brother' and I ha
Uh, you sent your brother a gift yesterday, Nancy,
and your sister the day before.
Uh, well, this is for another brother.
You certainly have a full house.
If I did, I wouldn't be asking you for money. Thank you.
Oh, Mr. Bradley. I need 20 more dollars for some hockey equipment.
ent?
Oh, thanks.
No, now, wait-- wait a minute, Cindy.
On Monday, you drew out money for a hockey stick.
On Tuesday, for skates. Now, what's this $20 for?
Uh, ice.
- Mr. Bradley. - [ Clears Throat ]
Natalie's mother just called. She would like to know...
why you are charging
What are you talking about? I didn't order any biology supplies.
Still using last year's frog.
Mr. Bradley, are you trying to drive me cuckoo?
No, just trying to handle this run on the bank. Suddenly, everybody needs money.
No problem, Mr. Bradley. When the well runs dry, you can't get blood from a turnip.
We all have to pull in our belts. Can I use your yellow pages?
Uh, yellow pages. Yeah, sure. There you go.
Uh, what-- what do you want them for?
n
Hock her She does
That is our typewriter.
I better check this out.
Okay, I'll see your bet and raise you 50 cents.
Come on, Nancy. What are you gonna do?
- I don't know. - Oh, here.
Hmm, three queens. You should go out.
- So what are you gonna - Oh, I
I see your raise and up it a quarter.
Natalie, what are you raising for?
Two fours does not beat queens.
I know that, and you know that.
But how do we know that she knows that?
Who's the winner, Mr. Garrett. You know the rules.
Oh, forget about my rules, Molly,
- Tootie's rules - I guess I win.
Read 'em and weep.
All red.
.
You're really nice to teach us how to play poker, Mr. Garrett.
This is much more fun than studying.
Too bad we have to stop playing and start studying...
rrow.
What do you mean, "stop playing"?
Shut up and deal!
♪ Here I go again ♪
♪ I hear the trumpets blow again ♪♪
♪ I'm all aglow again ♪
♪ Taking a chance on love ♪
You're glad Robert showed up, aren't you, Mrs. Garrett?
Oh, I'm havin' one heck of a time!
ge
Fresh off the farm.
Gorgeous. Swept me right off my feet.
How romantic. But, why'd you break up?
Well, dear, one day the bubble burst.
I came home and all the furniture was gone.
He had to sell it to pay off his gambling debts.
How tacky.
Couldn't you tell he was a gambler?
How is a gambler supposed to look, hmm?
Besides, I was 18 and madly in love.
Girls, you have no idea what it is to be married to a gambler who cannot quit.
Mrs. Garret, you should have dumped him. A guy like that is bad news.
But they were in love. You've gotta work through the tough times.
That's what my mom told me, and she has a happy marriage.
Big know abou
She's had three of them.
Look, I know I'm an incurable romantic.
Well, I hope you're not contagious.
Look, Sue Ann, marriage is enough of a gamble...
without starting off with the deck stacked against you.
Look, if you plan on a trip, you don't get off the bus because of one little flat tire.
d
What do you do, junk it?
No, I'd just take my Jaguar.
ure happiness.
Mr. Garrett is not a clunker.
What are you gonna do now, Mrs. Garrett?
I don't know. He says he's changed.
Oh, my head says, "Forget it."
But my heart says, "Who knows?"
I got to admit, I'm tempted.
Go with your heart, Mrs. Garrett. Take a ride with him.
ett.
[ Mr. Bradley ] Mrs. Garrett.
Come in.
Mrs. Garrett. What is going on?
We've been all over the campus, and nobody's talking.
- What do you mean? - All the girls are drawing their money out of the bank.
They're going through their savings faster than Carter goes through his cabinet.
Oh, that's simple. Let's go upstairs and ask the girls.
is problem ng.
.
I don't have to know what I'm talking about. I'm management.
I'll be right along.
[ Chuckles, Sighs ]
♪ Taking a chance on ♪
♪ Love ♪♪
Ahh!
Okay. We'll play Mississippi riverboat, lowball.
One-eyed jacks, dirty ladies and deuces are wild.
What is
Don't look now, guys, but I think we are in trouble.
That man. Who is that man?
- Mrs. Garrett's ex-husband. - Our Mrs. Garrett?
re?
What is a man doing in a girls dormitory? I need an explanation.
Ah, it's simple. I'm Robert Garrett.
Stephen Bradley. Nice to w soon ere?
Wait a minute, I'm out six bucks.
Now, Cindy, and all of you girls-- women-- I'm a liberal educator.
But gambling at Eastland? Never.
Playing cards with children?
Who's playing? I only taught Tootie. I coaching the oth
- It-- It's just a game. - That's right.
Making money out of it was my idea.
That's the American way.
Yes.
I didn't think so.
What has happened here is that girls who were entrusted to us...
have been turned into cutthroat card sharks.
Now that they're hooked on gambling,
into
Lying to their parents and to us to get poker money? Look at them.
What we have here are the Muppets of Monte Carlo.
Don't you think you're overreacting? It isn't as if...
the girls blew up the school bus, or--
or anything like that. [ Clears Throat ]
I wouldn't think of condoning it.
Now, wait a minute. Poker isn't that bad.
Yeah. Poker's educational.
It's a great sport. You could really t.
gy
You The
--
There are 11 directors on the school board.
g.
How many vote to kick him out?
[ All ] Eight.
d me sion.
From here on out, gambling is kaput, finished, over.
And to help you learn this point, I will accept this poker money for our scholarship fund.
Ah, well, that's a good idea. Yes. [ Chuckling ]
Hey, whatever happened to free enterprise?
You have the cards, Natalie? Thank you.
All right now. Back to the books.
What is it, Robert?
What are you doing?
Oh, it-it-- it's not what it seems.
Look, I can explain all of this.
Mrs. Garrett, I trust you'll escort Nick "the Greek" to the state line?
Coming, Miss Mahoney?
Well, I guess-- I guess it looks bad, huh, Edna?
You're not teaching my girls to--
Well, now-now what's wrong with teaching them how to play cards?
You really don't see what's wrong about it, do ya?
Oh, I've never seen such-- such--
Gall?
Chutzpah?
You know, when I saw you tonight, I was gonna say "yes" to ya.
Well, you can still say "yes."
Look, it-it's all different now. Come on, Edna. Take a chance.
Yeah, Mrs. Garrett. Go for it.
You better think before you go for it, Mrs. Garrett.
Marriages are based on trust, and how can you trust a gambler?
Yeah, but everyone has faults.
And remember, Mrs. Garrett. None of us are getting any younger.
Marrying the wrong man at any age is no answer. Mrs. Garrett doesn't need that.
Molly, you're forgetting the most important part.
Besides, it'll save her the bother of breaking in a new husband.
It could be so romantic.
If you got married again, you could take your second honeymoon on the Mississippi,
since he has to go to St. Louis anyway.
Going to St. Louis?
Girls, would you excuse us a minute?
St. Louis, huh? I remember.
That's where the big poker game is held this time every year.
Yeah, well, I-- I was gonna stop in St. Louis on my way to Atlantic City.
And, you know, just wish the guys luck. [ Chuckling ] Public relations.
Oh, sure. Sure, it'll start in St. Louis, and then you'll go on to Chicago,
Vegas, Reno, the whole circuit.
Oh, now, Edna-- Edna, don't make any quick decisions. I really need you.
Yep, you need me.
And after all these years, I finally understand why.
You need me to be your guardian.
Someone who will write your excuses for ya...
when you're late for school.
Oh, Robert, you need me, but for all the wrong reasons.
Well, that's not true. I need you for all the right reasons.
Oh, Robert, I can't dance that dance anymore. The price is too high.
Okay, Edna. First thing you learn in poker is when to fold your hand.
So long, baby.
Yeah.
[ Door Closes ]
Oh, it's so romantic.
I could just cry.
Uh-- [ Stammering ] Not that we were listening.
Mrs. Garrett, did you kick him out?
She couldn't. She loves him.
Well, girls, you're both right. I love him,
and I kicked him out.
All right.
double.
It's time to start studying for your Friday surprise history exam. Come on.
Gosh, it's so sad.
What bright side?
We'll just get out the Ouija board...
and find out who Mrs. Garrett's next boyfriend will be.
Oh, girls, girls.
All right, girls. Shake your ***!
♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪
♪ For learning all you oughta know about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪♪
♪ When your books are what you're there about ♪
ht
♪ It's time you started finding out ♪
♪ What everything is all about ♪♪