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>> [ GRUMBLES ]
[ SIRENS WAILING ]
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
[ GUNS *** ]
>> ♪ LIFE ON THE OUTSIDE
AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE ♪
♪ THE WORLD'S GONE CRAZY, AND IT
AIN'T SAFE ON THE STREET ♪
♪ IT'S A DRAG, AND I KNOW,
THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE TO GO ♪
♪ I'M COMING HOME ♪
♪ I'M COMING HOME ♪
>> LONG AGO, THERE WAS A GOD
NAMED WAR-DEN.
HE MADE THE WORLD, AND HE CALLED
IT SU'JAL.
IT WAS SO BIG, HE MADE THREE
ANGELS TO HELP HIM RULE.
AND TOGETHER, THEY LIVED THERE
AS ONE GREAT TRIBE.
THEN, THE DARKNESS CAME.
THE WAR-DEN LEFT SU'JAL, AND HIS
ANGELS LEFT TO FIND HIM.
AND SO BEGAN THE GREAT WAR.
THE PROPHECIES SAY THAT SOMEDAY
THE WAR-DEN AND HIS ANGELS WILL
RETURN, REUNITING SU'JAL ONCE
MORE.
BUT UNTIL THEN, WE MUST FIGHT TO
CRUSH THE OTHER TRIBES SO OUR
PURE *** BLOOD CAN RULE
SU'JAL!
[ CHEERING ]
>> Warden: [ SIGHS ]
[ CREATURE ROARING ]
AAH!
>> HEY!
LEAVE THE WARDEN ALONE!
[ CREATURE WHIMPERING ]
IT'S OKAY.
YOU WERE JUST HAVING ANOTHER ONE
OF YOUR NIGHTMARES.
>> Warden: WHO ARE YOU?
WHY ARE YOU WATCHING ME SLEEP?
>> WHO, ME?
I AM THE BULLET THAT
ASSASSINATED
PRESIDENT HIGHTOWER.
ONLY I NEVER ACTUALLY DID IT
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, TIME POLICE.
>> Warden: HOW CAN THEY JUST
DRAG ME AWAY LIKE THAT?
I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING YET.
>> WELL, NEITHER DID ANYONE ELSE
IN HERE.
WELCOME TO TIME JAIL, WARDEN!
[ LAUGHS ]
>> Warden: WHAT? WHERE AM I NOW?
WAIT.
THIS -- THIS IS...
[ GASPS ]
>> NO, NO, NO, GERALD!
I TELL YOU THE PRISON WALLS ARE
TO BE GRAY, AND YOU GIVE ME
"MORNING MIST," "SIBERIAN
HEADSTONE," "PEWTER"?!
>> Warden: FATHER!
>> WHAT THE DEVIL IS IT, BOY?!
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO RUN
A JAIL HERE?!
>> Warden: I CAN HELP, FATHER.
LOOK! I BUILT A JAIL OF MY OWN!
AND I MADE A LITTLE FLYING MAN
TO WATCH OVER IT.
ZZZWING! ZZZWING! ZZZ--
>> YOUNG MAN, THIS JAIL IS NO
PLACE FOR YOUR CHILDISH
TOMFOOLERY OR PIE-IN-THE-SKY
FLYING RAINBOW WHATSITS!
>> Warden: AAH!
>> THIS IS A SERIOUS PLACE WHERE
SERIOUS MEN SERVE SERIOUS TIME
FOR SERIOUS CR-- OHH!
OHH! AAH!
AAH! OHH!
AAH!
AAH!
[ CHOKING ]
>> LOOKS LIKE CONGRATULATIONS
ARE IN ORDER, MY BOY.
YOU JUST BECAME THE YOUNGEST
WARDEN IN THE FREE WORLD.
>> Warden: WAAAH!
>> Jared: CELLPHONES!
GET YOUR CELLPHONES HERE!
[ SPITS ]
[ VOMITS ]
>> MOTHER [BLEEP]
>> Jared: AAH! HELP!
CALL 911!
[ BEEPS ]
>> Alice: YOU WOULDN'T BE TRYING
TO SMUGGLE ANY SUSPICIOUS
PACKAGES, WOULD YOU?
>> NO.
>> Alice: RELAX, NERVOUS NELLY.
THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A MOMENT.
OR WOULD YOU RATHER I TAKE YOU
'ROUND BACK AND STRIP-SEARCH
Y--
UH, TAKE YOU 'ROUND BACK AND S--
>> CUT!
[ BELL RINGS ]
ALICE. ALICE, BABY, WHAT'S THE
PROBLEM?
>> Alice: I CAN'T DO THIS
ANYMORE.
>> BUT YOU'RE THE BEST, BABY.
NOW, COME ON -- MAN UP.
LET'S DO THIS, HUH?
ALL RIGHT,
"SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE 8," TAKE 2!
>> Alice: I SAID NO!
NO MEANS NO!
NO! [ CRYING ]
>> AAH!
[ SHOUTING ]
>> [ LAUGHING ]
[ SCREAMING ]
[ SCREECHING ]
[ BIRD CHIRPING ]
>> BIRD'S RIGHT.
THIS IS OUR HOME.
WE SHOULD RESPECT IT.
>> INSTEAD OF LIVING LIKE
ANIMALS, WE CAN LIVE IN HARMONY.
>> WE CAN BE THE FOUNDING
FATHERS OF A PEACEFUL NEW
UTOPIA.
LET'S BUILD IT...
>> All: TOGETHER!
>> Jared: SIR! WAIT! SIR!
>> UNH!
>> Jared: SIR! I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT'S YOU!
>> MAN, WHAT THE [BLEEP]
>> Jared: SORRY!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.
>> YEAH, YOU THOUGHT WRONG,
***.
>> Jared: AAH!
[ FOLK MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ BIRD SQUAWKING ]
>> IT'S TIME.
[ BIRD SQUAWKING ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
>> [ VOMITS ]
>> Warden: UGH!
WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE PURGATORY
IS THIS?!
MUST I RELIVE EVERY HORRIBLE
MOMENT OF MY LIFE?
>> IF YOU WANT, I GUESS.
>> Warden: AND THEN, WHEN I
LEARN SOME SORT OF LESSON AND
CHANGE MY EVIL WAYS, THEN WILL
THE TIME POLICE FINALLY SET ME
FREE?
>> MM...NO.
>> Warden: WHAT?!
WELL, THEN WHEN DO I GET OUT OF
HERE?
>> NEVER.
I'VE BEEN HERE FOR AGES.
THE ONLY PEOPLE I'VE EVER SEEN
COME AND GO ARE --
>> ♪ THE TIME POLICE ♪
>> ♪ REJECTED BY THE TIME ARMY,
SO I JOINED THE TIME P.D. ♪
>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
THEY'RE NOT THE WORDS.
YOU CHANGED IT.
>> ♪ ONLY THE LAST PART ♪
♪ IT DIDN'T RHYME ♪
>> [BLEEP] YOU!
YOU DON'T CHANGE MY WORDS, MAN!
>> ♪ WHERE'S MY TIME STICK? ♪
>> Jared: $9.50, PAL.
>> HERE YOU GO, ***.
>> Jared: YOU [BLEEP] BALL
SUCKER!
[ CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
>> Alice: [ CRYING ]
TAKE ME TO SUPERJAIL.
>> Jared: ALICE?
>> Alice: I WANT TO GO BACK,
SHORTY.
>> Jared: BUT, ALICE, I DON'T
KNOW HOW TO GET THERE ANYMORE.
>> Alice: ME NEITHER.
BUT I KNOW SOMEONE WHO DOES.
STEP ON IT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M HUNGRY!
I WANT A HOT DOG!
>> [ BEEPS HAPPILY ]
>> AAH!
OHH!
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> Alice: SNACK TIME'S OVER.
LET'S GET BACK TO SUPERJAIL!
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> I THINK I HAVE GONE TO HEAVEN
AND DIED.
>> I HEART NEW YORK.
>> FELLAS, FELLAS, I LOVE THE
WHOLE TWIN THING.
YOU TWO DUDES EVER, UH...
DONE ANY ACTING?
>> Both: NEGATORY.
>> WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO BACK TO
MY PLACE IN THE BRONX AND WE GET
SOME -- YOU KNOW, SOME TEST
SHOTS?
>> Both: WE SAY, "AWESOME."
>> HOW DO YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT A
LITTLE, UH...TASTEFUL NUDITY?
>> WHAT?
>> Jared: THIS ISN'T GONNA BE
PRETTY.
>> Alice: I HOPE THEY ALL KILLED
EACH OTHER.
>> Jared: H-HELLO?
CAN YOU LET US IN?
>> RAWK! CUCKOO! RAWK!
>> Alice: OPEN UP, MAGGOT, OR
THERE'S GONNA BE *** TO PAY!
>> Warden: WHAT ARE YOU TWO
DOING OUTSIDE OF SUPERJAIL?
>> Jared: WARDEN! I KNEW YOU
COULDN'T LEAVE US!
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!
>> Warden: I LEAVE FOR A COUPLE
OF HOURS AND YOU GUYS LET THE
WHOLE PLACE GO TO HELL!
>> Jared: BUT, SIR, YOU'VE BEEN
GONE FOR YEARS!
>> Alice: WE TRIED TO GET IN.
I THINK THIS STUPID INTERCOM'S
BROKEN.
>> Warden: [ SIGHS ]
MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?
[ METAL CREAKING ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
>> [ GASPS ]
>> WAR-DEN! WAR-DEN!
WAR-DEN!
>> CAAAW!
THE PROPHECIES WERE TRUE!
CAAW!
YOU HAVE RETURNED WITH YOUR
ANGELS TO RULE OVER US ONCE
MORE! CAAAW!
>> Warden: WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO
THESE INMATES?
>> Alice: A WHOLE LOT OF BIRD
***, FROM THE LOOKS OF IT.
>> Jared: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU
GUYS?
>> WE DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT.
>> Warden: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE
TELL THEIR WARDEN WHAT IS GOING
ON HERE?!
>> CAAW!
HAVE WE DONE SOMETHING TO ANGER
YOU, FATHER WAR-DEN?
CAAAW!
FORGIVE US!
WE ARE YOURS TO COMMAND!
AAWK!
>> Warden: "FORGIVE US!
WE ARE YOURS TO COMMAND."
WELL, I HOPE YOU MEAN IT, YOU
DUMB CLUCK!
BECAUSE THIS HAS BEEN THE
LONGEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
AND I DIDN'T BUILD THE MOST
AWESOME JAIL THE UNIVERSE HAS
EVER SEEN JUST TO LET SOME
STUPID TIME JERK TAKE IT AWAY
FROM ME!
EVERYONE, HOLD HANDS!
>> WARDEN OF SUPERJAIL, BY THE
POWERS VESTED IN US, IN THE NAME
OF TIME COURT, WE HEREBY FIND
YOU --
>> Warden: I DECLARE A MISTRIAL!
>> IMPOSSIBLE!
>> Warden: GUESS YOU DIDN'T
PREDICT I'D GET MY HANDS ON ONE
OF THESE, DID YOU?
>> THIS IS NOT GOOD.
>> Warden: MAYBE I WOULD HAVE
KILLED A MILLION INNOCENT
PEOPLE, AND MAYBE I WOULD HAVE
ENSLAVED THE ENTIRE PLANET
EARTH, BUT YOU SEE THESE
MISERABLE ABOMINATIONS?
>> RAWK. HEY.
>> Warden: THEY'RE WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN I'M NOT IN THE WORLD TO RUN
SUPERJAIL RIGHT.
I'M TAKING ME OUT OF HERE THIS
INSTANT AND FIXING EVERYTHING
YOU AND YOUR STUPID TIME POLICE
HAVE SCREWED UP!
>> Warden: YOU DID IT, ME!
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
>> Warden: AH-AH, YOU WILL.
>> NO! STOP TOUCHING YOURSELF!
THIS IS A TEMPORAL ANOMALY!
YOU WILL RUPTURE THE FABRIC OF
SPACE/TIME!
[ CRACKLING ]
[ ALL SHOUTING ]
[ GUN *** ]
[ BULLET CLANGS ]
>> Jared: AAH!
>> Jared: AAH!
AAH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
AAH!
[ SCREECHING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> [ LAUGHING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> [ BURPS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ SHOUTING ]
[ GUNS *** ]
>> AAH!
>> Warden: [ CRYING ]
[ GREASE SIZZLING ]