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I am a local poet
from Salzburg Austria.
I was born in Croatia
but as a little girl
I moved with my family to Austria.
Writing
is a great way to express yourself
to communicate with the world
especially
if you or someone like me
who is a little bit shy
it is the best way
how you can talk
and you have a voice
written or spoken.
Poetry started
2009
just out of the blue
but it has a special reason
why it came, it was just meant to happen.
Around that time
my grandfather passed away and
all emotions that were there
they had to get out somehow
and then I started writing poetry
and I figure out
all the feelings that were blocked inside
found a way to get out,
to be finally heard.
When I started writing
different topics came up,
there was (were) poetry
about challenges in life
about feeling upset
simply life and then
there came little poems
about my ear
and I wondered .. hmm..
I really like them.
Can I write more?
And then
I got my hearing loss
and I figured out the answer YES
I'm going to turn
this experience which was very emotional to me
into something positive.
I knew I had to write
I knew I had to take down notes and record this experience, in videos in poetry
I knew I was sure that
maybe one day some people
are going to find this
helpful in deciding whether they
are going to get an implant or not.
It's everyone's personal decision.
My first book
"Can You Hear My Poems" is about
the challenges I had
being hard of hearing
and what it means to hear different to understand people
and with the years it got worse
and I tried to pass as "hearing"
at school
but it did not always work out.
The hearing fluctuations came
and went and came back
and then when it was really serious and I heard nothing,
I decided okay
it is time.
What am I going to do?
what other options do I have?
And I used to be hearing
I'm used to voice, to music, to sound.
For me I could not
imagine to live in silence
and so I decided for myself
I'm going to get an implant
but I was very scared
and I feared what if it does not work out
what am I going to do then
and they were even times when I wanted to be deaf.
I was so
sick of
all the misunderstandings
of all the
difficulties with the technology, with the machine that it did not
work properly.
My hearing aid was really
awful at that time
because it did not help me anymore.
My hearing loss was so bad
so then I went for
the surgery
for the CI.
It totally changed my life.
It was difficult the first
few months
I really heard awful
but I like to remember this.
I still know how everything sounded awful
but for me it was a little bit amusing.
I looked at the funny side of it. Hey I'm hearing like a robot.
That was definitely not funny but it was for me
and it made things easier
and everything went so fast.
Within a couple of months only
my hearing improved.
From one day to the other I noticed little changes hey
I do not sound so mechanic anymore
amazing.
I still like to be deaf
and enjoy when I can sleep
we an open window
during summer days
and I do not hear traffic.
I do not hear footsteps,
women in their high heels
I hear nothing
and my sleep is great.
I'm still deaf
I do hear but I'm deaf.
When I take it off
I hear nothing
so I know both sides.
Quite difficult...
where would you classify yourself,
are you hearing or are you deaf?
I would say that I'm both
and I like it this way. I would like to read out one of my poems
it's called "When you take off your hearing aid".
Around this time I had
my hearing loss
and a hearing aid
but now you can apply it and say when you take off his speech processor as
it is almost the same,
you hear nothing
and even this,
even this has advantages.
Enjoy this poem.
When you take off your hearing aid,
you see how deaf you are,
and it doesn't matter to you
if people stand near or far.
When you take off your hearing aid,
there is suddenly no sound.
When someone touches your shoulder
your first startle
and then turn around.
When you take off your hearing aid,
suddenly, all the sounds disappear,
and your feeling is strange
when it's your own voice
you can't hear.
When you take off your hearing aid,
your eyes start paying attention
to each small detail around you
to compensate
your listening comprehension.
When you take off your hearing aid,
you understand how others feel,
those who have no hearing left,
and how this silent world
to them appeals.
I will definitely keep writing,
definitely!
I cannot stop now.
I enjoy it
and this is pleasure, pure pleasure that I will
continue
until I give my last breath.