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EVERYONE AGREES THAT WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT ISIS.
WE'VE TRIED BOMBING.
BUT RECENTLY I SAW THIS NEWS ITEM.
U.S. AIR FORCE RUNNING OUT OF BOMBS TO FIGHT ISIS.
HOW DOES THE AIR FORCE RUN OUT OF BOMBS?
THAT'S LIKE DENY'S RUNNING OUT OF CHOLESTEROL.
NOW YOU KNOW THERE'S A NAME FOR AN AIR FORCE WITH NO BOMBS.
IT'S CALLED AN AIRLINE.
(LAUGHTER) APPARENTLY--
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: I DID NOT KNOW THIS-- APPARENTLY THE AIR FORCE
HAS FIRED MORE THAN 20,000 BOMBS AND MISSILES IN SYRIA.
AND 20,000 SOUNDS LIKE A LOT TO ME.
SO I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT JUST BOMBING MIGHT NOT WORK.
ISIS MIGHT BE UNCONVINCABLE BY THE BOOM BOOM ROOM.
AND THIS MAY BE THE REASON WHY.
>> ISIS FIGHTERS MAY BE FUELED BY NOT JUST EXTREMIST IDEOLOGIES
BUT ALSO BY A BLACK MARKET AMPHETAMINE THAT IS BECOMING
POPULAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
>> JIHADIST FIGHTERS ARE BELIEVED TO BE USING IT AS A GO
PILL.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP AND IT GIVES YOU A SENSE OF
WELL-BEING AND EUPHORIA AND YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE INVINCIBLE
AND THAT NOTHING CAN HARM YOU.
>> Stephen: IT MAKES YOU FEEL AS IF NOTHING CAN HARM YOU.
WELL, I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WATCHING THE NEWS
LATELY WHEN I SAY, CAN I HAVE SOME?
NOW THE SPECIFIC DRUG IN QUESTION IS CALLED CAPTAGON,
WHICH WAS ORIGINALLY PRODUCED IN THE 1960s TO TREAT CONDITIONS
SUCH AS HYPERACTIVITY.
SO BASICALLY THEY'RE TAKE TAKING JIHADDERALL.
AND CAPTAGON DOES THE JOB.
ONE CAPTURED ISIS FIGHTER DESCRIBED ITS EFFECT THIS WAY.
IT MAKES US FEEL BIG, STRONG, AS IF LOOKING AT THE BATTLE FROM
ABOVE.
YOU THINK THE TANKS ARE LITTLE BIRDS THAT YOU CAN DESTROY WITH
YOUR SWORD.
OF COURSE TO THE GUY IN THE TANK YOU LOOK LIKE A GUY WAVING A
SWORD ABOUT TO BE RUN OVER BY A TANK.
WHICH ALSO SOUNDS PRETTY TRIPPY.
AND IT TURNS OUT SOME MEMBERS OF ISIS WERE ON THE DRUGS BEFORE
THEY JOINED.
CUZ ACCORDING TO FBI DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY, THE PEOPLE,
THEICIAN LAMB-- ISLAMIC STATE IS TRYING TO REACH ARE PEOPLE THAT
AL-QAEDA WOULD NEVER USE AS AN OPERATIVE BECAUSE THEY ARE OFTEN
UNSTABLE, TROUBLED DRUG USERS.
WHICH EXPLAINS A LOT.
THESE EXTREMISTS WANTED TO GET INTO AL-QAEDA, THE HARVARD OF
TERRORISM, BUT HAD TO SETTLE FOR THE SAFETY SCHOOL, ISLAMIC
STATE.
(LAUGHTER) NOW--
(APPLAUSE) NOW THAT WE KNOW THEY LIKE THE
GO-GO PILLS, I THINK IT GIVES THE CLEAR PATH TO VICTORY
AGAINST ISIS.
WE JUST NEED TO FLOOD SYRIA WITH LESS OF THE SPIDERS ON YOUR FACE
STABBY DRUGS, AND MORE OF THE PEATION AND LOVE DRUGS.
I SAY WE SEND OUR BOMBERS OVER THERE TO DROP EXSTASY THEN
CARPET BOMB THEM WITH PACIFIERS AND GLOWSTICKS.
AND-- (APPLAUSE)
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, I SAY WE TACKLE ISIS HEAD ON WITH
BOOTS ON THE GROUND AND THEN FILL THOSE BOOTS WITH AMERICA'S
BRAVEST TWEAKERS.
YOU JUST TELL THEM THAT ISIS HAS GOT SOME OF THE HIGH SPEED
CHICKEN FEED AND THEN LET THEM LOOSE.
BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE AS FEARLESS AS THEY ARE TOOTHLESS.